Here I go again :-(

[Tommie_9]

  Hi Tommie,

  I'm glad you feel a bit better  but I have to urge caution with it. I have had more ups and downs than a yo-yo recently. In fact I'm a little up atm though I had tears just a few minutes ago. I usually feel good when I am going to my therapy sessions making it difficult to convey just how bad I have been feeling.

Thank you, Laurie for the words of caution. I'm the same as you. I know this feeling won't last. I'm on a roller coaster too, but it's mostly at the bottom of the ride. I'm going to feel the love for a little while. Love

[Laurie]

Thank you, Laurie for the words of caution. I'm the same as you. I know this feeling won't last. I'm on a roller coaster too, but it's mostly at the bottom of the ride. I'm going to feel the love for a little while. Love

I didn't want to take any of that love away from you Tommie. Bask in it girl.

laurie

[Jessica Lynne]

We're all praying for you, Laurie.

[Tommie_9]

I didn't want to take any of that love away from you Tommie. Bask in it girl.

laurie

I didn't take it that way, Laurie. I'm a basking kind of girl...

[Laurie]

We're all praying for you, Laurie.

  Thank you, Jess

   Well I went to my therapy session and did as I said I would. Through many tears I let him know how low I have been this last couple of weeks and really this last month. I let him know I felt I have been depressed since 1994 which was the last time my world came crashing down. (it took me 2 years or so to become functional again) and said it may even have begun before that.
 
    I asked him to help me.

  He suggested an anti-depressant and ask if I would be will to try something like that. My answer was to say I am will to try anything if it could help me. He can't prescribe then himself so he will make a referral to a psychiatrist on their team that can. I'll receive a call to make an appointment with them and I'm sure they will need to assess the need for medication themselves. But the process has begun. I just hope it is going to help me.

  For the rest of the session we talked more abut when and what I think has been the causes of my problems. I  clarified for him how dark my thoughts have gotten recently and how I came so close to suicide last time. I told him I have had similar thoughts going through my head this time to just not to the level of wanting to act upon them yet. I told him I just want the crying and pain to stop. That is one option to end then that has been visiting my thoughts.
   I told him of my inability to accept the concerns and love of people like you and how I feel unworthy and undeserving of those well meant efforts. I told him how I try to keep everyone from getting close to me for fear of being hurt again or my hurting them (I have been real good at doing that last). But some of you still manage it.  Lots of tears this session. I think more of them than in any other session so far. I'd like to tell you I felt better afterwards but the truth is that I didn't. Neither did I feel worse.  I feel neutral about it.
   I've another appointment with him in a week.

Well there you have it. it's an update neither encouraging nor discouraging. But my depression is now out in the open.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[HappyMoni]

Laurie,
   I am so glad you are willing to go forward and tackle this. I know a number of people who have taken the antidepressants and they have had good results. It takes some time to kick in and sometimes you might have to explore to find the best one for your body chemistry. I have been thinking about something like this for myself. I seem to have a lot of anxiety and I can't seem to put it in its place like I want to.
   I do hope you explore the pushing away of those who care. You are so kind and amazing to people, I hate that it is so hard for you to claim closeness to people for yourself. You deserve to be happy my friend.
Love,
Moni

[Jessica Lynne]

Hang on Laurie. Just hang on. There's always plenty of time to do what can't be undone. Then there's no solution. Please do what you have to do to get where you need to be. Please. I know you don't think so today, but you 're worth it. So give everything an opportunity to fall together.  We all want the best for you....we really do.

[Laurie]

Laurie,
   I am so glad you are willing to go forward and tackle this. I know a number of people who have taken the antidepressants and they have had good results. It takes some time to kick in and sometimes you might have to explore to find the best one for your body chemistry. I have been thinking about something like this for myself. I seem to have a lot of anxiety and I can't seem to put it in its place like I want to.
   I do hope you explore the pushing away of those who care. You are so kind and amazing to people, I hate that it is so hard for you to claim closeness to people for yourself. You deserve to be happy my friend.
Love,
Moni

Hi Moni,

   I truly don't know if taking meds is going to help, but I know I had to try something. If I didn't it would probably have killed me with the way I was going.  Anyway I think my therapist and I have a few more things to work on now that I have brought my depression out to be looked at. I tell you I didn't have much convincing to do to change our focus. We talked about many associated problems I've never really talked to him about before. And yes Moni, one of those was just that issue I have about letting friends get too close. That one alone causes me a lot of tears. It hurts that I can't let them in and it hurts when they do.
  He started to tell me I was Laurie now and a different person than who I used to be. My response to that was to say I am not sure who or what I am anymore. All I really know is that I am broken and hurting and I want it to stop.

  Oh I know another thing, I will have 2 more appointments as a result of today. I am getting far too many of the troublesome things to remember and have to put them on a calendar. They are roping me in and tying me down. It's almost like making plans.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

[HappyMoni]

I love you Laurie

[Sarah_P]

Oh, Laurie... It's times like this I wish so much I knew the right things to say, some magic words that will make someone's pain go away.
I've spent the last 15 years doing just what you said - trying to push away everyone who cared about me. I lived in self-imposed exile, not even having the slightest shred of a social life. I don't recommend it. I'm still working on escaping that trap I made for myself, I don't want to see anyone else do that to themselves - pushing them away didn't help, it only made everything worse.
Add me to the list of those you inspired. You, with your kindness and humor, are one of the reasons I had the courage to post here in the first place. So thank you, and know that, even if you can't accept it right now, we all care for you.

[Michelle_P]

Laurie, you are loved.   I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are. 

Depression is nasty just because if doesn't let us rest, doesn't let us see our better selves that others see, and just nags at us about the worst things we can imagine of ourselves.  The thing is, the You that you see in depression is not real.  It tricks you into self-destructive behaviors around friends, jobs, everything that matters in your life.

I am glad you finally brought this up with the therapist and will be getting some assistance in dealing with it.  It's just nasty, dangerous stuff.

Please take care.

Michelle



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[Laurie]

I love you Laurie

  Moni,
 
      Please understand I do know you love me and that I also love you. The problem has never been yours or any one else's that care about me. The problem is mine. completely mine and mine alone. I know it but I cannot help trying to keep people at a distance. I am hoping I can eventual learn to love myself and maybe then I can let  my dear friends in. I'm very sorry.

Oh, Laurie... It's times like this I wish so much I knew the right things to say, some magic words that will make someone's pain go away.
I've spent the last 15 years doing just what you said - trying to push away everyone who cared about me. I lived in self-imposed exile, not even having the slightest shred of a social life. I don't recommend it. I'm still working on escaping that trap I made for myself, I don't want to see anyone else do that to themselves - pushing them away didn't help, it only made everything worse.
Add me to the list of those you inspired. You, with your kindness and humor, are one of the reasons I had the courage to post here in the first place. So thank you, and know that, even if you can't accept it right now, we all care for you.

  Thank you Sarah. You have described me pretty well except I've been at it somewhat longer than you have and have hopefully just begun to get help for something I can no longer control or live with. Something had to be done before it gets too bad. I've been here in depression before and I know where this road leads. I was lucky to have survived it before. Then it took me about two years to be functional again. I am hoping thins time doesn't take that long.  Recovery starts with that first step and I took that today by asking for help.

Laurie, you are loved.   I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are. 

Depression is nasty just because if doesn't let us rest, doesn't let us see our better selves that others see, and just nags at us about the worst things we can imagine of ourselves.  The thing is, the You that you see in depression is not real.  It tricks you into self-destructive behaviors around friends, jobs, everything that matters in your life.

I am glad you finally brought this up with the therapist and will be getting some assistance in dealing with it.  It's just nasty, dangerous stuff.

Please take care.

Michelle

Thank you also Michelle. I have to correct you in the first sentence.  Like I told Moni above I do know I am loved, the problem is with me not feeling I deserve it. In my mind i don't. In my mind I am a horrible, perverted, angry person I'm wretched and incapable of being loved.
  As for depression you're  right it isn't a lot of fun is it? I'm willing to bet almost everyone here has had a brush with it.  This is at least my second time and it's been pretty rough at times too. Every day for more than a month now has been a problem for me with each day a little more of a challenge today has been not any different. yes I have asked for help but that hasn't brought much if any relief. It will take some time to undo the damages of years. But I am hoping it can be done.  Thank you Michelle for being one of my inspirations.

Hugs,
   Laurie

It's time for another nap.

[Tommie_9]

   I truly don't know if taking meds is going to help, but I know I had to try something.

Laurie,
Meds saved my life 10 years ago. I want to help you, so I don't mind sharing that I've been medicated since then for Bi-Polar disorder. The highs made me feel like superwoman and the lows made me want to jump off a cliff without the cape. It doesn't completely relieve my depression, but it reduces it in combination with therapy. There is no silver bullet, so don't expect anti-depression meds to completely relieve your depression. It should reduce it along with therapy to the point where you can function. It's why I'm still here on planet earth to encourage and support you.
Tommie

[Anne Blake]

Hi Laurie,

You speak of the difficulty of loving yourself, and not belittling your statement, I believe that almost everyone on this site can intimately feel the truth of those words. I am currently (today, not yesterday and tomorrow has yet to vote) loving myself. A good place to be but so fleeting, most days I strive to just like the person that stares at me from the mirror (some days it works, some it doesn't). That like often stems from actions, interactions and sometimes just artificially constructed activities. Reading the posts that you put out striving to help folks in desperate places or just showing the beautiful breakfast concoctions  you fix so many mornings shows a truly likeable person. I think that she could turn out to be a good friend for you to like on a lot. This helps me to climb from my pits of self deprecation.

Take care my friend and hugs,
Tia Anne

[steph2.0]

Hey Laurie,

When I first created an account on these forums and I was scared to death to post stuff, one of the members took me by the hand and helped me overcome my fears and join the fun. Since then I've come to feel like one of the family, and have grown tremendously. I might not have gotten very far without that member's gentle(?) guidance. Since then I've found out that the same person is pretty highly regarded around here. Sounds like a pretty likable person, huh? You should join the group and admit that, too.

I think we know who we're talking about, right?

Love you Laurie.

Stephanie

[Laurie]

Hi Tia.
   First let me tell you that I like the new picture of you. In it I see a woman comfortable with who she is. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

Steph(anie)
   Thank you also for yours.

   I can't deny that the person you describe is me. I have never had a problem caring for someone else and wanting to help if I can. I do care. I love helping someone else when I can if I can. From sharing my cooking or helping solve computer problems or just lending a ear or a shoulder to cry on. I would drive all the way across country if I felt a friend needed me to be there for them if I could. I'll do anything I can to help you. Yes, I try to be a good person and a friend.
  I suspect the reason I do is that I crave those same things myself. But when I sit here and read the same sort of concern and support written to me, I cry and only feel hurt. It doesn't mean I do not appreciate it or need it. I do.  If I goof up like I've done with my friends in Missouri it's even worse. She can see though me to the pain and make me cry with a word, a look, or a hug. She's too close and knows me too well. Her husband Jim is the same way. Now that they are in, I have no defenses left against them. I even cry when I have to leave them to return home, every time I feel I am leaving a part of myself with them.
  I don't feel like that good person you see and I try to be. I feel despicable, rotten and broken. It feel like I am two different people.  I can't seem to put them together. There's the good caring and happier one I present to the world and the wretched one I still hide behind closed doors in the dark.
   How can I let you, my friends, love and care for me when I can't even like myself?

   Hugs,
      Laurie

[Gertrude]

I've had depression and I was put on Zoloft once. I don't want to go back there, but from time to time I have dark thoughts and wonder if the world would be better off without me. The sense of hopelessness, I think comes from a feeling of being stuck and having no choice, of not being accepted for who I am. I don't do it because I feel like I would be giving in to those who would want me to go away, all the mouth breathing ignorant SoCons. I won't give them them the satisfaction. At some point I hope to rid myself of social expectations that invalidate who I am, meaning I won't care what others think.

I hope you find peace somehow and get the 100lb bucket off your head. That's what it was like for me. I wished I lived closer to visit.


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[steph2.0]

How can I let you, my friends, love and care for me when I can't even like myself?

I get it, Laurie. I really do. Been there. Maybe not so deep, and not for so long, but I had a condition that I call the "Yeahbuts!" I knew intellectually that what people were telling me was correct, but regardless what I was told, I had a "yeah, but" reason why it didn't apply to me. I kept asking, "where does the strength come from?" I was convinced I would always stay too weak to pull myself out of the hole. I still don't know how I did it. What I do know is that since I did, everything is so much better.

I'm glad to see that you were smart enough to know when to call in the experts. All of us here have expertise in being in the hole, but the people you're set up to meet are experts in rope throwing. They'll know what to do to get you from "Yeahbut!" to "Yeah!" So listen to the nice doctors, and we'll be up here patiently waiting for you.

Steph

[Laurie]

I get it, Laurie. I really do. Been there. Maybe not so deep, and not for so long, but I had a condition that I call the "Yeahbuts!" I knew intellectually that what people were telling me was correct, but regardless what I was told, I had a "yeah, but" reason why it didn't apply to me. I kept asking, "where does the strength come from?" I was convinced I would always stay too weak to pull myself out of the hole. I still don't know how I did it. What I do know is that since I did, everything is so much better.

I'm glad to see that you were smart enough to know when to call in the experts. All of us here have expertise in being in the hole, but the people you're set up to meet are experts in rope throwing. They'll know what to do to get you from "Yeahbut!" to "Yeah!" So listen to the nice doctors, and we'll be up here patiently waiting for you.

Steph

  Hi Steph(anie)

   Yeah but, I am not "smart enough to know when to call in the experts." I have been trying out the "yeah but" strategy on one of our own. Some dang Aussie doesn't bye it. She won't let me get away with denial. She isn't satisfied with telling me she agrees with my therapist's notes that I had depression. Oh no, she has to get me to say it but not just say it, I have to believe it. Believe me when I tell you she's had to work hard to do it. Eventually I succumbed to a preponderance of evidence and had to admit it and then I had to take everyone's advice to get help. What was the evidence? Two therapy sessions with diagnosis of depression, two of the online depression scans (one Australian and one USA) both coming up with the same result- moderate depression, one forum admin who's opinions I respect, telling me flat out it was plainly obvious that I was depressed. My friends here telling me I should get some help and offering to help. and one sometimes cranky, pestering, annoying Aussie that don't let me get away with "yes butting" her, working hard to get me to see it for myself. It also took me getting to a place where I could see the end of the road i was on. I'm afraid of that end, I've been close to it before and I don't want to go there again.
  So I have to thank all of you and a big thanks to Liz for getting me to this point where I could ask for help. Now that I have I'll give what they want for me a try and see if I can finally do something about this small problem.
   I'm not very good at giving advice but I am far worse at taking it. It could be new territory for me.

btw Today was a better day than I've been having.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Hugs

[steph2.0]

btw Today was a better day than I've been having.

Yeah! [emoji16]

Steph