Here I go again :-(

[Laurie]

Therapy today. 
  Yesterday was a voice session which meant another day of seeing my daughter in Erin the speech pathologist. I pay attention to what she's saying but it's difficult not thinking of my daughter when I look at and listen to her. We spent the time learning another exercise to get my higher voice out of my chest and more forward in the mouth. She recorded some of it and I sound terrible as I usually do just in a higher pitch. She compared it to a recording from the first day and the part I noticed outside of the pitch being higher is that to me it sounds as though I speak with a bit of lisp in both recordings. Erin said she didn't notice it so it's probably all in my mind. She sent me home with homework as usual.
  Speaking of mind, did I mention it is therapy day. I almost don't want to go. I feel I have not made any kind of progress since last visit. Instead I feel I've slid a little further. Last time I felt a little better and was having a better day. My therapist even commented on it right away. Since then about the best I can say is yesterday was almost a good day but it was marred by a less than supportive post I made on someone else's thread. I think I managed a couple that were not bad but those were short and non committal mumblings that had no real hope behind them.
  Some days I feel it is a waist for me to come to Susan's because I am helping no one not even myself by being here. But I have said it before, I am addicted to the place. I have a need to see how my friends are doing at the very least. Sometime I read more threads or welcome a newcomer but that is less frequent and my heart hasn't been in it. A lot of times I want to comment but what comes out isn't worth the type on the page. It is either inane or negative and many time I just delete it. But I am here everyday to get my fix.
   Recently I've thought I'd go to my appointments "as is" Throw on my wig and out the door. But I never do it. I shower, put on something a little nicer, fix my face with some makeup and don my earring, necklace and the cheap "Be Different" bracelet a stranger gave me. Why it matters, I don't know as I don't plan to do it. It must matter on some level as I do it for every appointment even when I don't feel like it.
  Well, it's time to put on my mask again as it's time to go. I'm sure we'll find something to talk about even if it's this hopeless feeling touched with "I don't really want to be here anymore" Such is my life these days.

[MaryT]

I think that there is a "Wonderful Life" situation here.   For example, perhaps you don't realise how much it meant to me when you were the first to welcome me to Susan's Place.  It is obvious from the love that members have for you that you have helped so many people.  Even sharing your pain helps to put the pain of others into perspective.  I do hope that somehow we are all able to help you too. 

[Sarah_P]

You posted a kind & encouraging post on my thread, which I'm always thankful for! So, thank you!
It's never a waste for you to come here. You've helped so many of us, we'd like to do what we can for you, too!

As for the voice, I've yet to speak with an actual voice therapist, but I've been surprised how much my voice has improved by doing the exercises every single day. I've definitely managed to raise my break. This is all pretty surprising to me, since I had a pretty deep voice. When I sang, it was usually baritone. I can only imagine how much better my voice will be in a year. So keep up with those lessons, and I'm sure you'll see some great results! Especially working with a professional.

[davina61]

As the others have said your greeting and messages have helped me enormously , like you I am addicted to Susan's and as I have no one as such to talk to this is a great place to unload so keep letting it out . We all have your back so when you feel no one wants you remember us all, your very best friends. XXXXXX 

[Megan.]

Laurie,  your support, posts and responses to mine have been a constant source of support and friendship.
As for progress in therapy,  I made none for about 6 months, and even then I described it as 10 steps forward and 9 back. Don't try to measure it,  but one day you'll look back and see you've come along way. X

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[Sno]

Laurie, sweetie, someday, you'll learn to be kinder to yourself, any contribution is valuable, even if it's of the 'im just about hanging in here, and I've come for some company without meeting people', kind.
I know exactly how you feel though, as I'm in a similar boat - although I'm anxious at the though of my therapy meetings, as I have the mental health act clunking around at the back of my mind, but this is neither the time or the place.
Please girl, you've got this.
Just be the best you that you can be at that point in time, let the rest of us be adults, and manage our own feelings - they're not your responsibility hon, we know your words are meant kindly, and come from a good place.

(Hugs) and cookies, of course


Rowan

[Charlie Nicki]

Laurie you posted in my thread and your messages were encouraging and warm. Made me feel safe. You are a great addition to this forum and you really make a difference.

[Laurie]

  Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and concerns. I can see they are heart felt. They made me cry. I wish I was better able to appreciate them.
  In yesterday's therapy session I had an audience. She is a nurse practitioner student at OHSU, the teaching hospital next door. The VA hospital has some agreement with OHSU and having students sit in or take part in activities Is not unusual. There I have one helping me with the voice sessions under the tutelage of the speech pathologist and my Oncologist is employed by OHSU and does work for the VA twice a week. During the session I had to explain a few things for her my therapist already knew so she could understand better. My therapist brought up my Road Trip Explaining it to her brought back such good memories. It was a nice change from the couple tearful times earlier in the session. My therapist said he likes hearing me talk about the trip and that I should try to do another. I like the idea but winter weather and a busy calendar prevent such a trip from happening anytime soon. Besides it would  come down to having to plan a trip and that destroys the freedom of just packing up and going. My road trip was almost planned but I was able to leave enough wiggle room and uncertainty to retain that feeling of freedom all the way to Maine and back.
  Anyway I did feel better after the session but I knew it wouldn't last long. I said as much to my therapist on the way out. The buoyed feeling lasted through the trip to Costco and until shortly after arriving home. Alas things are back to my new normal and the day wasn't a good day overall.
  This morning has started out okay after a night of badly broken sleep. I woke about 1:30am and didn't get back to sleep until about 5am and up before 7 to discover I forgot to take my 2nd insulin shot again. (sigh) So starts another day.
  I hope you all have good days.

laurie

[steph2.0]

Laurie, I haven't posted here lately because I really have nothing to add. You already know how special you are to me, and that's never going to change. Hang in there my friend, and things will get better.

Steph(anie)

[Laurie]

Laurie, I haven't posted here lately because I really have nothing to add. You already know how special you are to me, and that's never going to change. Hang in there my friend, and things will get better.

Steph(anie)

So they tell me Steph(anie), so they keep telling me. Would that I could or even want to believe it. I guess sometimes I do. They tell me I should feel better when these pills start kicking in, in another 3-4 weeks.

[p]

It's so nice to read everyone's messages of how special you are to them. Let me join the chorus in saying that you add so much to my life! I am proud of you for continuing to do what you need to do even though progress is slow right now. You will be thankful that you stuck with this. All my love!! 

[Sarah_P]

As much as I'd love to see you, it's probably best not to try crossing the mountains with winter coming up / already here. The passes may be closed, and you'd have to go through mines or something... and this time of year they're just infested with balrog! 

....sorry / not sorry for the nerd reference.

[Laurie]

 Thank you Patti. You're still my #1 fan I see.

Sarah no apology needed for a Tolkien reference to one of the best series ever. I also played a healer in world of warcraft for many years. Unfortunately it was also a casualty in my transition saga. I always had a problem with "Healer heal thyself" nothing's changed.

[Sarah_P]

Sarah no apology needed for a Tolkien reference to one of the best series ever. I also played a healer in world of warcraft for many years.

That's cool! I used to play a little of everything in FFXIV, but primarily DPS. But I did enjoy healing, too. Not so much on raid-level stuff, though. Quit the game just over a year ago, most of the boss fights just become position memorization or you got knocked into any abyss....

[Megan.]

Thank you Patti. You're still my #1 fan I see.

Sarah no apology needed for a Tolkien reference to one of the best series ever. I also played a healer in world of warcraft for many years. Unfortunately it was also a casualty in my transition saga. I always had a problem with "Healer heal thyself" nothing's changed.

I was  a 5 year WOW veteran, mostly Fury DPS. Ran a guild with some good friends.
Have you seen Blizzard are launching WOW 'classic', it might temp me out of retirement. /y LFM UBRS heal,  tank,  dps [emoji16]

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[Laurie]

  Today was my day for lab tests, ct scan and a visit with my oncologist to get the verdict. When I checked into the imaging area I asked if they could put a note on the paperwork to call me Laurie so I wouldn't be called Leonard or Mr. W******. It worked. So I tried it again when I checked in to see my oncologist and it worked again. I heard Laurie called 4 times and used by the people I dealt with the only one to call me Leonard was me. I almost laughed when Monica, (the older lady that inserts the IV and draws blood for labs if she knows about it) corrected me when I replied Leonard *. W**** to her question to verify my name. She is one of the two highlights of my quarterly appointments. We always chat a bit. She told me I was looking good and quite different since I was there last. I got a kick out of the tech for the CT scan also. I saw him last time as Laurie but this time he is treating me quite differently. Talking to me differently. I believe I was being mansplained. It struck me as odd. He always explains things and asks questions but this time was a little different.
  So CT done and I'm off to the checking area for check in and waiting to be called. I needed to go visit the restroom and headed to a common use one down the hall but when I got close and younger guy come rolling up on a scooter type contraption and would have gotten there first but stopped when her saw me. He ask if I was heading there and I said I was and he deferred to me and went off in search of another. Back to the waiting and the call for Laurie to have vitals taken. only 2 pounds up from 3 months ago, bp higher but still in normal range. Updated medications with the 2 newly added ones and back to the waiting area. Once again I hear Laurie called and it's down the hall into the room to seem Dr Julie my oncologist. The second highlight of my visits.  She enters and greets me and compliments me on my makeup and says I'm looking good. She is a pretty younger woman and mother of two. We used to swap stories of my grand kids and her kids to keep current. Today I ask about her kids and she tells me about them and how she enjoys spending time with them. We don't talk of my grand kids. I have do idea how they are. She asks how I've been doing and I tell her I haven't been doing so good. I tell her of my depression and that I'm talking with my therapist about it and have started medication for it. She asks if I had been having thoughts of hurting myself and I tell her, yes but not hurt as in causing myself pain but rather I've had thoughts about ending the hurt and pain. We talk a bit more about it and then move on to the results. She tells me that once again there is no sign of the cancer having returned. I told her that it was good news but that the way I have been feeling it really didn't matter much to me what she had told me. The magic of my new pills hasn't kicked in yet. She examines me and when we say goodbye she gives me her card admonishing me to call her if I feel like doing something bad. We hug and down the hall I go to check out. As I get near the door I hear someone saying "just follow that lady going through the door and turn to the right".   I go to check out make the next quarterly appointment for the end of February and I'm off  heading for home.

  So there you have it. Still clear of cancer for 3 years now. And I got to visit with the two woman that I enjoy seeing each quarter. I'm good for another 3 months or rather it won't be cancer that does me in.

[Kendra]

Wow - so much great today! 
Yaaaaay!

[steph2.0]

And you were correctly gendered and named all day! Awesome!

[Megan.]

That sounds like a pretty positive day, very happy for you. X

[Michelle_P]

Congratulations, Laurie. That sounds like a very successful and affirmative medical day.

Dr Julie seems to really care about you, which is great.  Should the bad stuff resurface please do call her!




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