Here I go again :-(

[Laurie]

Okay okay I give! Smiles, laughter, and feeling good for all!
  It was a good day and this one looks like it will be another right up to this afternoon when I go to my therapy session. From that point on is anybody's guess.
 
  Lucy- Yes Christina is a gem. She asks occasionally if I've talked to you again. Sadly I have to tell her no. We will need to fix that one of these days. It's not like we are a continent or ocean apart.

Sarah you got me with "mova' jaj Dun!" I couldn't find it and gave up after 15 minutes hunting because I was getting nowhere with it.

  Liz- I love seeing you smile and the same goes for that new avatar picture.

  Kathy, Patti and the rest of you thanks for joining in and making me smile some more.

Hugs all around,
  Laurie

[MaryT]

When you feel good, Laurie, we all feel good.

[Laurie]

When you feel good, Laurie, we all feel good.

Thanks Mary

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[Sarah_P]

Okay okay I give! Smiles, laughter, and feeling good for all!
  It was a good day and this one looks like it will be another right up to this afternoon when I go to my therapy session. From that point on is anybody's guess.

Sarah you got me with "mova' jaj Dun!" I couldn't find it and gave up after 15 minutes hunting because I was getting nowhere with it.

You'd have to find a Klingon translator. Translates to: 'Today is a great day!'.
I used to know someone who could speak fluent Tolkien Elvish, too.

I looked in a few Kilngon translators and all I got was the great day part. I couldn't find the rest. But thought it was going to be something like what you said. I tried. Some people have too much time on their hands.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[JulieOnHerWay]

Wow, what a multilingual group we have here! Yiddish, Klingon, Orkan, Gomerpylish, British, Australian, even Canadian!

I'll tackle American Southern for all y'all, even though I'm a Damn Yankee. (For the uninitiated, a Yankee is a Northerner who comes to Florida. A Damn Yankee is a Northerner who comes to Florida and stays.)

More Southern
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them.
You know your a redneck when you help your rich uncle take the wheels off his trailer.
You know your Southern when you know your 3rd cousin who lives on the 5 acres next door and are proud you did not marry her.

[p]

Hope your therapy appointment went well, Laurie. Sending big hugs and lots of love your way! 

[Laurie]

    Thank you Patti ((Hugs)) back to you. Therapy started out pretty good with him commenting that I appeared brighter and asking what had changed. I told him yes I did feel better and the antidepressant was increased and I thought it due to that.

[Faith]

    Thank you Patti ((Hugs)) back to you. Therapy started out pretty good with him commenting that I appeared brighter and asking what had changed. I told him yes I did feel better and the antidepressant was increased and I thought it due to that.

Come on!! We all know it's "Therapy by Susan's"

I'm gladdened to hear that you're feeling better.

[Laurie]

    Thank you Patti ((Hugs)) back to you. Therapy started out pretty good with him commenting that I appeared brighter and asking what had changed. I told him yes I did feel better and the antidepressant was increased and I thought it due to that.

  I'm feeling a bit dishonest  about the post above. I'll explain. There was a reason I didn't post an update on my therapy session until Patti asked about it 3 days later. What I replied was true as far as it went. I did feel pretty good when I went into the meeting and the conversation was as related.
  I left it at that because the discussion following was about how even though I had been feeling better nothing has really changed and though I'm not thinking of doing myself in I still don't like myself or feel I have any reason to be here. I've never really liked myself. I've grown up "knowing" that boys didn't want or do the things I liked. I "knew" it was "wrong" and later found out in books that I was a deviate, a pervert, or had a mental illness. Anyway I looked at it, it was wrong. I can point to all my dreams I had as a kid that once I'd accomplished them I failed at and ruined every one of them until I have nothing left that had been important.
   Call it gender dysphoria if you want. I know my wanting to be a female played a part in all of it. My insecurities, my self loathing, my drug abuse and alcoholism and all the failures all are part of my not liking myself. And my losses of home, family, wife, daughter, and grandkids were all lost because of this wanting to be female. It makes me empty and without purpose and feeds my not wanting to be among the living any more.
  You've heard this before, nothing has changed. It's all still there. That in itself wasn't the problem. My therapist has heard it before and I guess since I was feeling better he thought it time to do something about it. It was his suggestion that I say  "I love you Laurie" He wanted me to say it right then and when I resisted he tried to coax it out of me even though I said I wouldn't. Even after I said I couldn't, because I don't believe it. I refused to do it and it was the end of the session. We agreed to meet again next year and I left in a worse mood than when I went in. That mood has persisted. I've had two people explain it to me that positive affirmation works. It well might, but I have a problem saying things that I do not believe. I don't love Laurie. I don't even like me. and I don't want to be here.
  So now you have the rest of the story.

  Now I owe not only Patti an apology but all of you that read this thread. I'm okay but I'm not where I led you all to think either. I'm sorry.

Laurie

[Jayne01]

Laurie, I am very sorry you are feeling down. Even if you don't currently feel like you can love Laurie, you are loved by others. Didn't you notice, this thread is full of Laurie groupies. With time, you will eventually join the Laurie fan club and realise what a beautiful person you are.

Hang in there sister, I love the person that is you.

(((HUG)))

Jayne

[Megan.]

Laurie, therapists will from time to time, challenge us; that's part of the process.

Yours obviously thought you had the strength and were ready to be challenged,  which is a great and positive sign!

If you weren't ready to say it, that's fine. I'd been seeing my therapist for over 2 years before I was able to say the same thing.

Even if you can't, I'll say it:

"I love you Laurie". X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Faith]

Laurie, please take a step back. Hating things done to you/you've done to yourself. Hating your situation, hating feeling certain ways, wishing things were different. This is not self-hate, that is self-awareness. It may not be what you should be feeling, it's just there. I know some of these feeling. You get inundated by 'how' you should be from and early age, breaking through that is very traumatic for anyone.
...
...
umm, what was I saying
...
...
Let's go with this, Take the love and friendship that is Susans, soak in it & bask in it until you accept it as your own.

[Laurie]

  Hi Folks,

    I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. I got to feeling lousy as Christmas got near so I did what I do when I don't want to face things. I ran and hid. Christmas didn't come here. I think it may have had something to do with my "shoot on sight" policy for that fat old jolly man in red. I almost got out my shotgun when I saw myself in the mirror yesterday. But then I remembered, that Jolly old fat man still has a healthy head of hair, not the bald top on the old man that I saw in the mirror.
   For me, Christmas has never been a holiday I liked. Oh, there were some good ones like when I was still married and it was all about the kids and my wife. But I still didn't like it for myself. Or the last several years spending it with my daughter, and again, it was all about them and the grand kids. I went to church with them on Christmas eve and wore PJ's that one night of the year. I even accepted the one present they would pick out for me. My daughter knew I wanted nothing, but the grand kids want to get me something. One years it was a big coffee mug with Grandpa's on it. I hope it's not just sitting gathering dust in the cupboard, but knowing my daughter it's probably been given away to someone that will use it. Last year it was a tri-fold wallet which I did need, but now no longer use. Maybe I'll need it again.
   I can't remember when I did want a gift. It had to be when I was a child. What I remember, is all the disappointments I unwrapped. It seemed I never got the things I really wanted so I quit wanting. Yet there always was something. It seems nobody listened. This year I got what I wanted. But even that couldn't make me happy. I missed my daughter and the kids, my eyes drawn to their old younger pictures on my wall. How many time I thought of them I couldn't have counted. Yes, there were some of those silent tears at times and more second guessing myself and thoughts of not wanting to be here. I almost made it through yesterday without crying, but last night my electrologist got through with a few texts wishing me a Merry Christmas and saying she was thinking about me. Again the tears came unbidden to run silently down my cheeks. Sleep has also been fitful the last two nights, almost as broken as before, complete with unsettling dreams that I don't remember now.
  But I've survived Christmas to return online this afternoon and write thank yous and explanations to those who PM'ed me and apologize for worrying them. And now this post to try to explain it and apologize to everyone else that was worried or concerned or just thought about me these last couple of days.
  Thank you my friends and I'm sorry if I made you worry.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Jayne01]

Laurie, I will always worry about you. That's what friends do. Your well being is important to me and everyone else here. I'm curious who the old man in the mirror was that you referred to. Do you have one of those two way mirrors that you can see through to the other side?

Whether it is Christmas or any other random time of the year, I am sorry you have been feeling down.

I have also felt rather crappy the past few days. But Christmas is over for another year and in a few days we will welcome 2018. I plan on making 2018 a much better year than 2017. Care to join me?

Jayne

[Georgette]

Laurie Merry Christmas and to all that celebrate it, and Happy holidays to all others.

Have been somewhat busy lately, what with all the going out to clubs.

My family spends their holidays at their own homes with their kids.  Since my partners death, I no longer have the energy to do anything by myself.

Christmas Eve (Sunday) went to my new favorite club.  It is a cigar bar and all kinds of fancy whiskeys and a live band.  Nice to be able to smoke my cigars indoors with some fine Bourbon whiskey.  I drink mine slow and neat.  Had about 5 different kinds over a 5 hour period.  I guess I tolerate whiskey better than wine.

Went home alone again and slept in on Christmas.  Called my father in Florida for an hour, not that he will remember much.

Waiting for the weekend of January 6, A very close CD friend that I have been courting (what do people call it nowadays), she/he will be off work for a few days, so we can do some partying.  We may even go to the cigar bar.

Have all kinds of things to talk about with my Therapist this Thursday.
She has suggested I visit a place next week on a introduction to various kink/fetish stuff.

[Megan.]

Laurie,

I'm glad you made it through, and have come back to us.

Many know how hard this time of year can be. But I hope you can also see the open road and opportunities for us to grow that a new year will bring.

Always here for you, without question, and with nothing but love. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Kendra]

<long warm hug>

[steph2.0]

 

[Jessica]

Laurie you are so loved here!  I'm happy we have become friends and I am certainly one of your groupies.  Here's a hug for my big sister that has been such a huge help for me.

(((Hugs))) Jessica

[KathyLauren]

Good to see you back posting, Laurie.