Hi Folks,
I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. I got to feeling lousy as Christmas got near so I did what I do when I don't want to face things. I ran and hid. Christmas didn't come here. I think it may have had something to do with my "shoot on sight" policy for that fat old jolly man in red. I almost got out my shotgun when I saw myself in the mirror yesterday. But then I remembered, that Jolly old fat man still has a healthy head of hair, not the bald top on the old man that I saw in the mirror.
For me, Christmas has never been a holiday I liked. Oh, there were some good ones like when I was still married and it was all about the kids and my wife. But I still didn't like it for myself. Or the last several years spending it with my daughter, and again, it was all about them and the grand kids. I went to church with them on Christmas eve and wore PJ's that one night of the year. I even accepted the one present they would pick out for me. My daughter knew I wanted nothing, but the grand kids want to get me something. One years it was a big coffee mug with Grandpa's on it. I hope it's not just sitting gathering dust in the cupboard, but knowing my daughter it's probably been given away to someone that will use it. Last year it was a tri-fold wallet which I did need, but now no longer use. Maybe I'll need it again.
I can't remember when I did want a gift. It had to be when I was a child. What I remember, is all the disappointments I unwrapped. It seemed I never got the things I really wanted so I quit wanting. Yet there always was something. It seems nobody listened. This year I got what I wanted. But even that couldn't make me happy. I missed my daughter and the kids, my eyes drawn to their old younger pictures on my wall. How many time I thought of them I couldn't have counted. Yes, there were some of those silent tears at times and more second guessing myself and thoughts of not wanting to be here. I almost made it through yesterday without crying, but last night my electrologist got through with a few texts wishing me a Merry Christmas and saying she was thinking about me. Again the tears came unbidden to run silently down my cheeks. Sleep has also been fitful the last two nights, almost as broken as before, complete with unsettling dreams that I don't remember now.
But I've survived Christmas to return online this afternoon and write thank yous and explanations to those who PM'ed me and apologize for worrying them. And now this post to try to explain it and apologize to everyone else that was worried or concerned or just thought about me these last couple of days.
Thank you my friends and I'm sorry if I made you worry.
Hugs,
Laurie