At the end of my rope (venting)

[AlyssaJ]

IDK what is going on with my marriage anymore.  My wife says she's going to leave because she can't watch me go through the changes that HRT will make and can't watch me become a woman.  She's taken off her wedding rings.  However, she's still here and I've still continued to fight for her.  I've got a trip coming up where I'll be spending an entire weekend presenting authentically and being out and about with my sisters.  This bothered her so much that she wanted to take a trip at the same time to keep her mind off of it.  So she's going to Jamaica on her own (I'm of course paying that bill).  She's been kind of upbeat lately so I thought maybe she's starting to see that there might be a way for her to stay with me. 

Then today, I told her that I plan to go out and get my eyebrows shaped. She got into her mood (somewhere between anger and sadness) and asked if it could wait until closer to our trips. She said she wanted to feel closer to me before we go.  What the hell???

All I could think was, "Closer to what"?  She's trying to feel closer to something that doesn't exist by asking me to pretend to be something that I'm not.  This was a simple thing I wanted to do to make myself feel better about my appearance but she can't handle facing even that much so I'm supposed to put it on hold.  Meanwhile, today she went out and got her navel pierced.  When she was getting ready to leave she asked if I wanted to go along.  It really pissed me off because she just got done telling me I couldn't do a simple thing like a brow wax without her freaking out and now she wants to know if I want to watch her do something that if I had it done would send her over the edge?

So I've spent most of the day really pretty angry with her. I'm to the point now where I simply don't feel like I can fight for this marriage anymore.  I actually caught myself saying in my head that I'm ready for her to leave.  I feel really guilty about that, I mean this is the love of my life.  However, I just don't feel like I can continue on this way any longer.  I need to be free to be me and she's the only thing holding me back right now.

IDK what to do but I hate feeling like this, it's almost worst than the dysphoria.

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Lisa

  Oh Lisa, I feel your pain. It brings back memories of more than twenty years ago. I lost the love of my life even though I fought for her too. Unfortunately it may just be a fight that you cannot win. I am not saying for you to stop fighting but it well may in the end be nothing you can stop.
I lived in California and there all it take is one saying they want the marriage to end and that's it. Done deal, all over except for the paperwork. on top of that I lost my job and my dad within six months. I was devastated. It took me 2 years to recover.

  So by all means Lisa fight for her, let her know how much you love her but be prepared for the worst.
It hurts, It hurts like hell.

  Wishing you the best.
   Jeanette

[Dena]

It sounds like the communication isn't working anymore and when that happens, about your only option is couple consoling. If you have tried that, I am out of suggestions.

[jentay1367]

I'd only fight for her if you guys can get on the same page. You both need to sit down and have the discussion.  Do you want the same things? You're both young, do you expect to have a love life?  Can she function in a lesbian relationship?  Does she need a man in her life? You have to excuse her for being a little crazy. She didn't sign on for any of this. She's certainly a little bat*^/# crazy right now. If you guys were 60, I'd say you could maybe work it out. But you're not, you're 40. That complcates the hell out of everything. Like I said, you guys need to have the conversation. And at your ages, this generally doesn't involve a happily ever after scenario. Least ways not together. You both may need and deserve more than either of you can possibly provide each other.

[josie76]

I feel so bad for you. My wife and I have been in somewhat similar ups and downs. Unfortunately as long as she sees you as the man image she saw before, unfair expectations will remain. Anything that fuels her insecurities will likely cause you emotional hurt.


For me the day I wanted to go to the local group was a nightmarish day. I still haven't gone. Mostly now because work is so busy but yeah. The day I saw my endo, several trips to counseling when she thought I might get my letter, all caused problems. We are somewhat better now. We are trying not to continue old patterns. The only way we can make it is first if we are first both whole people. We have to be able to be individuals first. Anyway we are some days separated, some days not. We sleep in separate beds but we are mostly amicable.

I hope the best for you. I know it is so hard. No matter what we are here for you.

[staciM]

My suggestion is very simple( but possibly quite difficult) and it worked wonders for our relationship.  Sit down without distractions and lay it ALL out....no secrets, no half truths...even if you want to hold back something that you may feel might make it worse.  You both need 100% transparency to each other's thoughts, feelings, needs and desires.....only then you will be able decide if your lives can successfully coexist together.  If one of you makes a compromise based on a lie or misinformation you may find that this bubbles up again (worse)in a month/year etc.  Good luck with whatever you both choose.

[Sinclair]

Best wishes Lisa. What I have learned is that the transgender MtF community is very diverse. Some still want to be with cis women and that can be very difficult for cis female partners. There is a Southpark episode where all the males get into the whole metro-sexual and "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" thing. The men become effeminate. The wives of these men in the episode revolt, stating they are attracted to the uber macho stuff of their men. It's a cartoon, but, explores a real truth. Most cis women do like the macho stuff. I lost a long time GF to my transition who I really loved and adored. I get what you are feeling. My solace is that I'm living who I am, and it feels so exhilarating. So empowering. I'm a girl, and I know I will find someone who understands that. The bliss of finding the right partner is powerful to me. The old saying, if u love someone set them free. In my case, it was her setting me free, and me wanting to be free. It was hard, but, I can't live a lie. I have to be who I know I am. The amazing thing is I'm so optimistic. I feel good.

[AlyssaJ]

Thanks for the support everyone.  Some very good ideas and I definitely appreciate you just being there to hear me vent.  To quickly address a couple things brought up.  We did seek couple's counseling.  Unfortunately, when I told my wife I had my letter and was setting an appointment for HRT, she decided that counseling was no longer needed.  She didn't really like going in the first place and was a reluctant participant at best.  So that's another factor in why I feel like I just have to stop fighting for her.

Communication has broken down, that's for sure, and it's as much my fault as it is hers.  I let her say her peace and listen quietly and then when I start to share my feelings and opinions (usually at her beckoning) I don't get more than two sentences in before she makes it all about her again. So lately I've just been shutting down, which isn't right to do but I am the type that would rather avoid the conflict.

I was thinking again on the way home from church today about how I really didn't even want to go home because it meant I had to put my costume back on and be the male me. I kept thinking about how it would be if she was to leave.  I would be able to spend all day, day after day, being my authentic self.  No more enabling her to avoid it.  IDK.  I just feel like I'm past the point of no return now.

[Thessa]

I'm very sorry for you! I know it sucks.
One and a half year ago I was in a similar situation and I was terrified that I will loose the love of my life. I had a lot of guilt issues regarding my wife and children.

I don't know your situation so it might not apply, but I still want to share it just in case.

What I realized after the breakup that I was in love with an idealized picture of my wife, a former version combined with wishes for a happy family.

That woman I wanted to stay with didn't exist any longer and the hard truth is I couldn't stand her in reality. To many difference in approaching life challenges, work ethics and other things.

It took me quit some time to realize that she was also abusing me emotionally.

Again it might not apply in your case but what I try to say is, sometimes we need to take some hits to get things sorted out and get a clearer view what is/was going on in our life and how to be happy (again).

I'm happy that I can be myself and that I don't have to worry any longer about my wife.

The only thing that bothers me is that my daughter has to go through this.

[davina61]

The best thing my wife did for me was kick me out, not been getting on for 10+ years due to collapsed business and a huge mortgage that cant be paid and its in her name so every conversation would end up in "what you going to do about it, its on my mind all the time" . Drove past on the way back from my mums tonight and could bring myself to stop. so some times its best to cut the ties that are holding you back and be your self , the one that's in your head 24/7.

[AlyssaJ]

What I realized after the breakup that I was in love with an idealized picture of my wife, a former version combined with wishes for a happy family.

It's kind of funny you mention this, because this is exactly where I think my wife is at.  She's in love with her idealized image of me and moving away from that is tough. She's even said I'm supposed to be her prince charming but now I'm a princess.

I never thought of it going the other way. I'm going to have to reflect on this, you may be right.  Much of what you said kind of struck a chord with me so some self reflection is in order.  Perhaps what's holding me to this isn't the love that I think it is.  Hmmm interesting food for thought at minimum.

[Morrigan]

If you want to still try to make it work with her you'd have to understand things from her point of view.
You've had your entire life to try and understand this problem and to accept how to deal with it, and it took you how many years? She has only had since you've come out to her which, I'm guessing, compared to the amount of time you've had is pretty much no time at all. A whole lot of patience and understanding is necessary to allow her to catch up.
This may in fact mean you do put yourself on hold for a bit while she lets out whatever she needs to let out. That's just how relationships are sometimes. Sometimes it's necessary to put your own life on hold to help out the one you love, even if that means sacrificing a piece of yourself, especially if you were (directly or indirectly) the cause of their problem.
There is always give and take in a marriage. In her mind you've completely taken away the husband that she loved and given her something else in return that she never asked for. It would be a massive shock to anyone, just as it was probably a shock for you to realize who you really were. So if you want her to adjust she is going to need a lot of time, just as you did.

But even if she does catch up within a reasonable amount of (life)time there is no guarantee she'll stay with you once it is resolved. So you have to make your own decisions, too. You can't wait around forever, even if that is what she wants.
Do whatever is the best for the both of you. It's not about you, and it's not about her. It's about the both of you, together as one whole, as a marriage is supposed to be. It is about needs over wants, and you both will have many needs in such times. Work it out together whatever the result might be. Perhaps it is indeed best for one of you to simply say it is time to move on. You won't know until you work that out together.

Don't let something beautiful just fall apart and lay broken to be thrown away. Glue the pieces together however you can and cherish whatever remains, even if what remains is only left in memory.