I can't see me

[JeanetteLW]

   I guess I have a question for my therapist. I live with a sister whom I support in an apartment. She doesn't know about me yet. Tonight I waited for my sister to go to her room early as is her wont each night. That is my cue to shut my bedroom door for the night and exchange my outer attire and become Jeanette. Tonight was no exception. I donned pretty lace trimmed pettipants over my fuschia lace back panties, a casual pink and bold paisley print dress over my lavender bra, and slipped on braided flat sandals exposing my bright pink painted toenails, cute dainty heart shaped CZ earrings went in my ears and my wig upon my head. I stood in front of my bathroom mirror and brushed out the tangles and decided to skip any make up.
   Satisfied with the result, I perused Susan's Place forums until I had read all the current new posts. I then decided to recline propped up on my bed where I can admire the view from neck to toes and watch more of my Highway To Heaven episodes. Lol This always makes me wonder at how easy I cry now days as each one comes to it's sappy ending.  After a couple episodes nature (helped by spiro) needed to be appeased so I got up to take care of it.
    Passing the mirror I looked at myself and I could not see Jeanette in it. Instead I saw a pathetic silly old man in a wig and dress. Nothing more. It felt awful. What the heck do I think I am doing? And now I feel like a drama queen by telling all of you. I know this feeling will pass before long and I'll find myself again. Then I can feel silly for having felt the way I am feeling now. It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last. In just moments I went from feeling okay with myself to feeling wrong about what I am doing. It stinks.
   I guess I'll have something to talk about Tuesday in therapy. That's a good thing right?

   Jeanette

  PS sorry I didn't pay attention to what forum this was posting to, I just wrote it. I'm sure it is in the wrong place.

[Rachel_Christina]

Well the first problem I see here, is the fact that you are referring to Jeanette as some other person.
You can't be Jeanette if she is someone else.
But you are Jeanette aren't you??
Stop 3rd personing the whole thing, it separates yourself from how you feel you are, which is not true, you are who you are, you are just having a down day, that happens all the time, and is aided by the fact you are not out
I too am in this boat, times I look in the mirror really struggling too see myself as a girl, it mostly cause I'm not out and can't do my hair nice can't do my brows and can't wear make up. It's crap, bit I am me and I will get there.
Just hang tight

[JeanetteLW]

Well the first problem I see here, is the fact that you are referring to Jeanette as some other person.
You can't be Jeanette if she is someone else.
But you are Jeanette aren't you??
Stop 3rd personing the whole thing, it separates yourself from how you feel you are, which is not true, you are who you are, you are just having a down day, that happens all the time, and is aided by the fact you are not out
I too am in this boat, times I look in the mirror really struggling too see myself as a girl, it mostly cause I'm not out and can't do my hair nice can't do my brows and can't wear make up. It's crap, bit I am me and I will get there.
Just hang tight

  Thank you Christine,
  I suspect you are right on several things. Yes, I am having a down time. It usual isn't like tonight though.

           'Well the first problem I see here, is the fact that you are referring to Jeanette as some other person.
           You can't be Jeanette if she is someone else". 

I wasn't feeling like Jeanette then but I can see how that is a problem.

           "But you are Jeanette aren't you??"

   I think I am but I have been having trouble with accepting it lately.  I've been going over and over in my head thinking about how I am going to come out to my daughter soon. It was going to be this weekend but I decided to pospone it because she and 3 grand kids just got home from 2 months in Iowa. So it has really been in my head. How am I going to tell her, her dad is a woman when it sounds silly to me?

         "I look in the mirror really struggling too see myself as a girl,"

   This one surprises me. Looking at your avatar and I believe you have posted other pictures, I cannot see anything other than a pretty girl. How can you see yourself not as a girl even if you have to try to appear otherwise?

  Thank you Christina

  Ashley,

    As I alluded to above, I have a grown daughter with a husband and 5 kids. Our past history involve her leaving home and not speaking to me. I have rebuilt that relationship to the point I am not welcome in their home again. I feel I owe it to her to be the first I come out to even though it could jeopardize everything with her.
    Once that is done my sister will likely be next and her two sons through her. My sister will have to deal with it as she is dependent on me for support as neither of her sons are able to support her.
    LoL It's nice to know I have a fan. I also try to read your posts.

  Jeanette

[Rachel_Christina]

It's funny, i don't think no matter how far along or how pretty we feel this will always be with us.
We will never forget it and nor will our closest family and friends, it's what makes it so hard for them, think of how long it took ourselves to accept this? Judging by that it will be atleast another 20 years before my family accept me.
It's ->-bleeped-<-ty but it's unfortunately the path that being trans forces us down most of the time :/
Things do get better mind, so don't worry about it too much :')

[RachelH]

   I guess I have a question for my therapist. I live with a sister whom I support in an apartment. She doesn't know about me yet. Tonight I waited for my sister to go to her room early as is her wont each night. That is my cue to shut my bedroom door for the night and exchange my outer attire and become Jeanette. Tonight was no exception. I donned pretty lace trimmed pettipants over my fuschia lace back panties, a casual pink and bold paisley print dress over my lavender bra, and slipped on braided flat sandals exposing my bright pink painted toenails, cute dainty heart shaped CZ earrings went in my ears and my wig upon my head. I stood in front of my bathroom mirror and brushed out the tangles and decided to skip any make up.
   Satisfied with the result, I perused Susan's Place forums until I had read all the current new posts. I then decided to recline propped up on my bed where I can admire the view from neck to toes and watch more of my Highway To Heaven episodes. Lol This always makes me wonder at how easy I cry now days as each one comes to it's sappy ending.  After a couple episodes nature (helped by spiro) needed to be appeased so I got up to take care of it.
    Passing the mirror I looked at myself and I could not see Jeanette in it. Instead I saw a pathetic silly old man in a wig and dress. Nothing more. It felt awful. What the heck do I think I am doing? And now I feel like a drama queen by telling all of you. I know this feeling will pass before long and I'll find myself again. Then I can feel silly for having felt the way I am feeling now. It's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last. In just moments I went from feeling okay with myself to feeling wrong about what I am doing. It stinks.
   I guess I'll have something to talk about Tuesday in therapy. That's a good thing right?

   Jeanette

  PS sorry I didn't pay attention to what forum this was posting to, I just wrote it. I'm sure it is in the wrong place.

While I am not on hormones, I am out to my wife but I will say what you described here is the exact reason I am scared to go any further (but there are other reasons as well).  I mean no disrespect to anyone, but I know I have no feminine features or qualities and I do not want to be seen as a dude in a dress.  For that reason alone is what I have not been seen outside this house as me, not even to the support group which I know is the safest place to go as me but I simply can't do it and it drives me nuts!!   

I understand about "Jeannette.  My wife and I still call me "her" when we are talking about it.  I know we are one in the same, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it so I get exactly what you are saying.

[flytrap]

Well the first problem I see here, is the fact that you are referring to Jeanette as some other person.
You can't be Jeanette if she is someone else.
But you are Jeanette aren't you??

This was my very first thought. I have Multiple Personality (Dissociative Identity) Disorder. Looking in the mirror is the one sure way for me to know which of the six of us I am.

Unlike my dissociative reality of being separate people, gender is just another way of expressing the same person. It is nails on the chalk board for me when someone here refers to themself in the third person. It seems like it would be very important to discuss this with your therapist so you can understand why you feel this way.

[josie76]

Yes, do not refer to yourself as another person. My wife still cant see me as one individual and that hurts more than anything. Always remember you are you, no one else exists.

[Dena]

Because we lived with our old face longer than anybody else, it's difficult to see the new person in the mirror. It took me almost 2 years of RLE before I saw a woman looking back at me in the mirror. The scary  part was I saw my mothers face in the mirror and she was 400 miles away from me.  Trust other people's judgement on this as your own is clouded at the moment.

[JeanetteLW]

  Thank you everyone. I'm feel much better this morning. It is s nice waking up in my nightie after a fair night's sleep and looking down to see, then feel my small but definite boobs as if to reassure myself they are still there. It helps me don my male costume and begin the wait to become myself again later.

Christine
  "Things do get better mind, so don't worry about it too much"

    Thank you for both your replies and yes things do get better but sometime I can't help but worry.

Paula,
   " I know we are one in the same, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it so I get exactly what you are saying."

       Thank you Paula, a kindred spirit for sure. Sometimes it is hard to see beneath the disguise and you shift that perspective. Doubt is a rotten thing made worse when you lose sight of yourself.

Flytrap,
   "It seems like it would be very important to discuss this with your therapist so you can understand why you feel this way."

   Sorry for the nails on the chalkboard. I am seeing my therapist for the second time on Tuesday and yes this episode will be brought up. Thank you.

Josie,
   "Yes, do not refer to yourself as another person....Always remember you are you, no one else exists."

    You and Christine have said the same thing and I understand it. But when it hit me last night I felt torn out of myself. Felt it was all a charade, a costume. Felt like I was deluding myself with wishful thinking. I was but a cruel dream. I lost sight of myself.
    As I said above I am much better this morning. That pathetic old man that insisted on causing my problem is once again the imposter. I'm here. I'm Jeanette and I'm good with that again.
   
   Thank you all for the help.
  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[JeanetteLW]

Thank you Dena, This morning I'm better. (I think lol)

  hugs,
    Jeanette

[Michelle_P]

Hi, Jeanette!  It takes time.  As Dena says, lots and lots of time.  It is not so much waiting for HRT to do it's magic, as it is waiting for our primitive image recognition networks in our brain to catch up with reality.   Those pesky networks take a long time to update themselves.

I've been on HRT 9 months now, and am told that my face definitely has changed.  I really don't see the difference yet when I look in the mirror without my war paint in place.  That old preoptic cortex still classifies the reflection as "he/him/ourself", and it can be hard to get past that.

Amusingly enough, once I get my makeup with contouring, and my hair all in place, the classification changes.  Then, I see Mom in the mirror.  No, really.  My face is remarkably similar to my mother's, and after seeing her for decades, that is what the image recognition network pops out as a result.  I was startled and then sort of amused the first time this happened.  My conscious perception now, when I see myself properly made up, is more like "Oh, THERE I am!" now, as I slowly integrate this new self-image.

And yes, when I do recognize that woman in the mirror as myself, there is a definite, preceptable drop in anxiety and stress. 

I'm hoping that with time and FFS, the old associations will just fade away and I will recognize Michelle at even the most primitive levels of my brain.  But, it takes time.

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Michelle,

  I understand what you are saying, but that's wasn't my problem last night. As I related I was enjoying myself, I put on my pretty things. stood in front of my mirror and brushed my hair making it presentable. I was satisfied with the results and went about my evening. It was only when i saw myself in the mirror again that I wasn't happy with myself any longer. All I could see was the pathetic silly old man.

   Fortunately with the help of everyone who responded and a decent night's sleep (actually better than normal) I am feeling soo much better today. I'm back, I am myself again regardless of attire I know I'm in there.

   Thank you Michelle, I can always use a good pep talk.  lol now where is my green pill?

  Hugs,
     Jeanette

[Dena]

   Thank you Michelle, I can always use a good pep talk.  lol now where is my green pill?

Right along side the red and the blue pill. Make sure you take the right one. 

[jentay1367]

I can't speak for others, but I will say I've experienced exactly what you said regarding the mirror.  Over and over and over again. I suspect I'll do it some more. I was afraid I'd be mocked, derided, laughed at and treated as a freak. None of that has happened. We share a lot of experience, us older women. I won't belabor things, but who you see in the mirror is not who I see in your avatar. I think you need to decide if you are her. If you do, its then your obligation to tell those you love whom you really are. I was an angry person my whole life. I did more to hurt people pretending to be him than I want to deal with. Now that I'm me, I'm full of real love, real empathy and real compassion for everyone. Its euphoric. Let me tell you. Its all there waiting for you. And not everyone probably, but most....will absolutely astound you with their love and acceptance for you once you choose the same for yourself. Be well.


P.S. ....when you're feeling particularly down on yourself...go to Walmart and ......LOOK AROUND.  LOL

[Deborah]

P.S. ....when you're feeling particularly down on yourself...go to Walmart and ......LOOK AROUND.  LOL

A while back that's exactly where I first realized I don't look so terribly bad.  Ever since about that time the mirror is no longer a challenge.  I see me and I like what I see.



Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

[JeanetteLW]

Right along side the red and the blue pill. Make sure you take the right one. 

Hmmm My green oval one is my estradiol, red would be my eye vitamins.  Blue? nope no blue ones. Ami I missing something?

I can't speak for others, but I will say I've experienced exactly what you said regarding the mirror.  Over and over and over again. I suspect I'll do it some more. I was afraid I'd be mocked, derided, laughed at and treated as a freak. None of that has happened. We share a lot of experience, us older women. I won't belabor things, but who you see in the mirror is not who I see in your avatar. I think you need to decide if you are her. If you do, its then your obligation to tell those you love whom you really are. I was an angry person my whole life. I did more to hurt people pretending to be him than I want to deal with. Now that I'm me, I'm full of real love, real empathy and real compassion for everyone. Its euphoric. Let me tell you. Its all there waiting for you. And not everyone probably, but most....will absolutely astound you with their love and acceptance for you once you choose the same for yourself. Be well.

  Thank you Jen, I have left my share of damages in my wake for sure. Angry is a good word as is the inability to say I'm sorry or admit I was wrong. Instead I took it out on others. I wasn't particularly violent but I could be extremely hurtful verbally to those I loved.
  I am the woman in my avatar, I am trying to accept that. It is who I want to be and I am working on the telling part. I will start with my daughter probably withing a week.

P.S. ....when you're feeling particularly down on yourself...go to Walmart and ......LOOK AROUND.  LOL

  Deborah and Jen.. I guess we are deprived at our Walmarts here in Oregon. I haven't seen any of those strange folk  depicted in online clips. Nope just pretty much normal folk here. I have known of a bunch of nuts playing "Marco "in a store late at night though to locate each other. Fortunately that group did move to Missouri. I visit them occasionally. Yet another group I'll need to tell.

Hugs,
    Jeanette

[Maybebaby56]

Hi Jeanette,

I am sorry for your pain.  I follow your posts, and they are sincere and heartfelt. You seem like a nice, caring person who simply wants to be happy in whatever time is left to us. I am not sure I can assuage your angst, but I can tell you that you are not alone in your feelings.

I had extensive FFS six months ago, so I can barely remember my male face, but my body is still a work in progress. Even though I am legally female and present as female full-time socially, my body image reminds me that I am a weak facsimile of a cis-gender female.  That woman I want to be only exists in my mind and in my heart. The best I can do is be perceived a female, and fortunately that happens pretty much 100% of the time in public (as far as I can tell), but who knows what the people who used to know me as a man perceive me as.  I really don't want to know.

Blessings to you,

Terri

[Janes Groove]

I can only reiterate what other people said about referring to yourself in the 3rd person.  That can't be helpful and seems like a way to set up unneeded stress for yourself.  I would also lose the "pathetic silly old man" terminology.  Each time you it repeat you reinforce it and it becomes an idea that becomes more deeply embedded.  Throw that in the trash can.  That's your internalized trans phobia talking.   You were born this way.  Try replacing it with "trans is beautiful."  Because really, when you're honest with  yourself,  how can being who we are be anything other than beautiful?

This topic came up in one of my support groups recently.  And the comment of the evening went to a bright, young, transgender woman.  When I heard it I automatically identified with it.  She said she has those days (and we all do really) when she looks in the mirror and says, "What the hell is that!"
A sense of humor is indispensable when dealing with this issue, I think.  When I have one of those days I just throw a towel over the mirror. 

[JeanetteLW]

   Thank you both Terri and Jane. I'm fine today really, I'm fine. Last night, not so much. But this morning I woke up in my satin nighie, rubbed my breasts and all was good in the world again. Tuesday morning it will just be a topic for my therapist.  I've given myself other things to worry about already... lol


  Hugs for both of you and my thanks
  Jeanette

[Janes Groove]

Hmmm My green oval one is my estradiol, red would be my eye vitamins.  Blue? nope no blue ones. Ami I missing something?

Google "red pill blue pill"
It's a trans thing.