Fear and desire

[ImSomething]

Hi everybody. Today has been kind of a long day for me. 

So for whatever reason, I've had a HUGE desire to start HRT? Like, I know it's waaaay down the road but my mind doesn't want to wait? And so I get my hopes up and then I think of all the things that stand in the way of that. Like how being on HRT after too long would assumingly prevent my ability to have children and storing sperm in preparation for the future is outside of the amount of payment I could manage. And my mother would never let me go to appointments to get a referral for HRT in the first place, and even if I managed to do so I don't even know if she would let me start HRT. I can't do anything at this point in my life without my mother's support. It just wouldn't be possible. Not only that, I have to talk to someone with expertise in the field in order to get a referral. And knowing that, the fear that I'm not "trans enough" and that even though I do feel dysphoria and am trans that I won't medically qualify for HRT is just petrifying for me. All that is combining and it's just making me feel kind of...hopeless.

I don't really know why I posted this...maybe I'm looking for advice or emotional support or something. I don't know. I'm just feeling really down right ow...

[Dena]

I always hate it when people say they aren't trans enough when they have been posting on the site as long as you are. If you weren't trans, you would have been gone a long time ago and you wouldn't be uncomfortable like you are now. Saying you are not trans enough is like saying you are a little pregnant. You are or you aren't.

I checked your posting history and you are attending a university. If you are on campus, tomorrow go down to the student health services and ask if they have a therapist available. Most large schools have someone on staff or someone they can refer you to. With the plans you have for at least the next 4 years, you will need a therapist to figure out how you are going to deal with this. I am not sure if you will  start HRT but at least can make a plan.

[ImSomething]

I always hate it when people say they aren't trans enough when they have been posting on the site as long as you are. If you weren't trans, you would have been gone a long time ago and you wouldn't be uncomfortable like you are now. Saying you are not trans enough is like saying you are a little pregnant. You are or you aren't.

I checked your posting history and you are attending a university. If you are on campus, tomorrow go down to the student health services and ask if they have a therapist available. Most large schools have someone on staff or someone they can refer you to. With the plans you have for at least the next 4 years, you will need a therapist to figure out how you are going to deal with this. I am not sure if you will  start HRT but at least can make a plan.

I apologize for how my post came across. I did not intend to suggest that I actually believed that I am "not trans enough," or even that there was such a thing. It was merely supposed to represent my self doubt.

As for your advice on how to move forward, I am not sure my community college offers those services but I'll be going to a larger university system next semester so I will no doubt have those resources when I no longer have to rely on my mother for everything. I appreciate the advice.

[Janes Groove]

What Dena says is right.  There is no such thing as "not being trans enough" anymore.  People were treated that way back in the 50s but not anymore. Not with the WPATH SOC guidelines. Not with all the informed consent clinics available. 

But that does sound rough. I really do feel for you. But if it makes you feel any better I waited 57 years before starting my transition, owing to a long list of reasons that I won't go into here.  But I can definitely relate to wanting to start and not being able to right now.

But if you want it bad enough I'm sure you will eventually find a way.

Have  you come out to your mom yet? That might be a good place to start.

[JeanetteLW]

I have to talk to someone with expertise in the field in order to get a referral. And knowing that, the fear that I'm not "trans enough" and that even though I do feel dysphoria and am trans that I won't medically qualify for HRT is just petrifying for me. All that is combining and it's just making me feel kind of...hopeless.

I don't really know why I posted this...maybe I'm looking for advice or emotional support or something. I don't know. I'm just feeling really down right ow...

Renee,

"I have to talk to someone with expertise in the field in order to get a referral. And knowing that, the fear that I'm not "trans enough""   
   Do I need to go through my past posts the find where I said those same words? I had those same fears as I faced going to my first psychiatrist for my intake assessment. I went and the interview was nothing like I had feared it would be. She asked questions and I gave her honest answers. It ended with her referring me on to gender therapy. A week or so I was able to read her assessment and it actually pleased me to read the words "Diagnosis - Gender Dysphoria" Because I was really worried they wouldn't be there. Or that I would have to wait for the gender therapist to make that determination. But there they were. I wasn't sure I ever really had such a thing.

  Just reading the paragraph you wrote above was enough to make me think you live with gender dysphoria though I am by no mean an expert on the subject. I don't think someone assessing you would have any problem seeing it in you. The uncertainty and fear will drive you crazy, so why don't you leave  it for the expert to figure it out for you. When you do have that interview don't try to convince them, instead just be honest and they will see it.
  Hang in there Renee, it will happen eventually. You'll get your chance.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

 

[ImSomething]

What Dena says is right.  There is no such thing as "not being trans enough" anymore.  People were treated that way back in the 50s but not anymore. Not with the WPATH SOC guidelines. Not with all the informed consent clinics available. 

But that does sound rough. I really do feel for you. But if it makes you feel any better I waited 57 years before starting my transition, owing to a long list of reasons that I won't go into here.  But I can definitely relate to wanting to start and not being able to right now.

But if you want it bad enough I'm sure you will eventually find a way.

Have  you come out to your mom yet? That might be a good place to start.

My mother was one of the first people to which I came out. At first it was a difficult process for me because she kept asking questions along the lines of "But how do you know? You're not the 'stereotypical' case, so how do you know?" Now she knows about it being a spectrum so she completely is accepting, but coming out to her at first was a very painful process for me and I'm still trying to get past it.

[ImSomething]

Renee,

"I have to talk to someone with expertise in the field in order to get a referral. And knowing that, the fear that I'm not "trans enough""   Do I need to go through my past posts the find where I said those same words? I had those same fears as I face going to take to my first psychiatrist for my intake assessment. I went and the interview was nothing like I had feared it would be. She asked questions and I gave her honest answers. It ended with her referring me on to gender therapy. A week or so I was able to read here assessment and it actually pleased me to read "Diagnosis - Gender Dysphoria" Because I was really worried they wouldn't be there. Or that I would have to wait for the gender therapist to make that determination. But there they were. I wasn't sure I ever really had such a thing.

  Just reading the paragraph you wrote above was enough to make me think you live with gender dysphoria though I am by no mean an expert on the subject. I don't think someone assessing you would have any problem seeing it in you. There uncertainty and fear will drive you crazt so why don't you leave  it for the expert to figure it out for you. When you do have that interview don't try to convince them, instead just be honest and they will see it.
  Hang in there Renee, it will happen eventually. You'll get your chance.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

This may easily be the most helpful post I have read in my entire time of being on this forum. I appreciate your advice so much. Thank you.
As for trying not to convince them and to just talk honestly about it, I think it may take some work for me to get my tension down in order to not walk in with that goal in mind. Perhaps I can work on being less tense in preparation for my eventual appointments. Thank you for giving me a goal to work towards. I love this forum and all you people here, oh my gosh. 💙

[Janes Groove]

My mother was one of the first people to which I came out.

Congratulations.  That's a huge step in transition.  It sounds like you are already well on your way.