Quote from: Amoré on March 28, 2017, 04:56:59 AM
Who of you became your true gender and can really say you are much more happier today in your new life with a new partner?
I'm sorry for things happening to you like this, this sounds like more than any person should handle. Sadly, it does. As you're living far away and I've got no idea who you are except from the heartbreaking posts you've written in this topic, I'll try to tell you a bit about me, and relate that to you. Ok? We'll get through this girl!
So... To give you a bit more of an introduction... My ex and I separated a month ago, after having spent the last five years of our lives together. She was (and in many ways still is) the love of my life. There has never been anybody who I loved more, and I'm not sure there will be somebody like that in the near future. We planned to have children, already got a nice place together and living the life. We had this long distance relationship the first two years, living 200km apart and seeing eachother in the weekends. After I came out to her, we took a while to let things settle, and after doing that, she moved to me and we got our place. The first year was hard, with my transition kicking off and her not having a job yet here. During this year, there were aready some cracks in our foundation, but the first major bout telling me it was to go wrong was when I had my sperm frozen. We went to the clinic together since this would be our only way of having babies, and as the doc described the whole thing I guess it dawned upon her.
For me, being in the clinic and listening to the doc telling us about the possibilities was in fact an elation. I had been on HRT for 12 months already (couple of years before), and there was a big possibility I coudn't conceive even if I wanted to. Actually, that always used to be my assumption. When we were there the immediately tested it, and to my surprise, everything was, as they aptly put it, nominal. So for me that was when I heard our dream could become true; babies! For her, it was the opposite though. She finally started to grasp the reality of it, seeing the doctors, the labs and the needles; her reaction being disgust and weariness. After getting outside, I couldn't contain myself and be happy (literally jumping around) and she just started to cry and shout. This effectively blocked me from living my happiness, she never really gave me the chance to enjoy this news actually.
In effect, this was the first big thing that told me we wouldn't make it. That we were going in opposing directions, that our paths were to separate. We still held on another year though, but last summer we finally decided to split rooms and break up. The actual move was a month ago, and I can't tell you how horrible the whole thing made me feel. Like... Falling into an endless hole, somebody pulled the rug from under me and I'm left to my own devices. Being a woman, yes, but also being damned lonely and I keep finding myself dreaming about her, wanting her with me, and sometimes doubting what life would have been had I stayed and not transitioned.
It's like this endless merry-go-round, my emotions going from wanting to split to protect myself, to loneliness, to hearing the echos of the past, getting in touch again with her, reliving the desire, and finally wanting separation to protect myself from the hurt. How do you let go of the person you should have gotten old with? How can it dawn on you, that life has taken a turn and you will never find that past again? Even though I know in my bones this wasn't a good relationship for us, my heart is still aching to have her with me. To feel her again, to have her warm body with me and for us to listen to our stories in bed at night.
Perhaps it is the impression of who she was for me, that's driving me mad. The echo she left, the person I thought I had with me. But: in the end, this is not her. These are the footprints of her in my life, the part of her soul that's stuck in mine. She decided to move on already, and so did I. We both had to, because staying where we were would have hurt us infinitely more in the end. Even though there was this impression of safety, it was a false promise in the end. No good could ever have come from it had we stayed together, like frogs slowly boiling to death. But still, I saw her yesterday again, and the merry-go-round got another spin. The desire is back, and I can't stop thinking about her. Knowing full well that it'll in turn invite the pain, and force me to relive the separation all over again.
You know what I think? This merry-go-round is what kept us together all of these years. It's the sum of our love, our ambitions and our desire together. There's no way this thing will just stop spinning, it slowly needs to grind to a halt. Yes, that does mean more pain, but perhaps this way of processing a loss is also a way of protecting myself of something much worse. Of going insane. Even though, it's painfull as hell and it's been draining me for the last years. But every time it spins, I do get the ability to let go a bit more. Of stepping back and gasping for some much needed oxygen.
So... that's where I am now. Just moved to my own place, and I actually gave myself a treat: non-disclosure! I've been on HRT for a while now, and can live with a closed narrative. In turn, the splitting with my ex and moving into this new place did open a new chapter in my book: a way of experiencing life the way a cis-girl would. Does that make me happy? Hell yes! Perhaps it's the treat I needed to get through this dark winter, it definitely gave me the strength to see this all through. And; with my SRS coming up in 4 months, things are only going to get better. There is no turning back to whatever I had, but perhaps that's not the way to go. My ex and I still meet, and the more she sees me, the more we realize this IS the way to go. Pain, yes. But it's the letting go that enabled me to step into this new phase of my life. Every ending holds a new beginning
