I need help

[Amoré]

Well I need help I am sitting here sobbing 

I am struggling with accepting my life as it is as a trans woman and that the past is gone. It is starting to become a living hell as I sit sobbing each day having anxiety attacks. My mind doesn't want to comprehend what happened to me and I am struggling to distinguish between past and present reality. I mourn the loss of my ex finally she is gone no more contact and it is driving me insane because I can feel the hurt of losing her all over again.

I can't stand also having only visitation with my child not putting her to bed each night, My reality as a transgender person feels like hell because I know this is why I lost everything because I was like a wrecking ball in my own life with the depression and things that I did because of it.

I am trying to cope the best I can but I am losing it and losing my mind I am trying to move forward have a new relationship and just find happiness again but my damn head keeps on going back to the past what I lost how it was being a man. It is driving me absolutely insane and it is also hurting like hell, It hurts so bad that I feel at stages it would be better to die than live with this hurt.

I look around me I can recognize beauty my relationship is a beautiful thing I can see it touch it but I can't enjoy it my own brain is standing in my way and want to go back to what it knew and my new life as a woman because my brain doesn't want to let go move on or do whatever it is supposed to do.

There is nothing anymore in my past my ex wants nothing to do with me I am a woman now why can't it just accept all this things and move on and enjoy this life this new found freedom and love.

[SailorMars1994]

I dont have the answer for this I am afraid. The best i can suggest is seeing a therapist for these issues, and if you are and not getting anything out of it maybe talk therapy isnt enough. Perhaps try something more deeper like EMDR. You really love your ex, but I got something to tell you. She doesnt love you nor respect you. She sounds to me very vendictive and likes to be hurtful. I can totally understand about your feelings about your child though, that would be hard. Maybe you can go to court and get more custody so she can come to your place more often. But all in all, your ex, you gotta do your best to recognize she is in your past as she has made no effort to be part of your future as a friend or anything else. Hate to be that woman, but I gotta say it. Your ex is a bully.

Hugs-Ashley

[Amoré]

I dont have the answer for this I am afraid. The best i can suggest is seeing a therapist for these issues, and if you are and not getting anything out of it maybe talk therapy isnt enough. Perhaps try something more deeper like EMDR. You really love your ex, but I got something to tell you. She doesnt love you nor respect you. She sounds to me very vendictive and likes to be hurtful. I can totally understand about your feelings about your child though, that would be hard. Maybe you can go to court and get more custody so she can come to your place more often. But all in all, your ex, you gotta do your best to recognize she is in your past as she has made no effort to be part of your future as a friend or anything else. Hate to be that woman, but I gotta say it. Your ex is a bully.

Hugs-Ashley

Thanks Ashley

I am trying to contact my therapist to negotiate a better rate as they are expensive. I don't know what EDMR is but I need something that really can help me I want to move on and get my life back.

[FTMDiaries]

It sounds like everything is getting on top of you and you feel your life is careening out of control. So can I make a suggestion that a beloved former teacher, mnr. Goosen, made to me when I was 16 and my life was going haywire? Write two lists of everything that's going on in your life at the moment, one headed 'good things' and one headed 'bad things'. We'll come back to the good things later.

For the bad things, add some columns headed 'What can be done about this now?' and 'What can be done about this later?'. For each bad thing, write down what action you can take. You'll notice that just about everything has something that can be done about it. Then pick just one or two things on the list and take the necessary action, slowly crossing things off your list as you go. You'll feel much more in control, much less anxious, and much more positive if you can see that you are actually getting a handle on things rather than letting things get on top of you.

For example: a major bad thing in your life is that your wife apparently doesn't love you any more. What can be done about this now? Nothing, she's made that decision and you have very little influence over it. So the only thing you can do is to start to accept it (easier said than done, but you must start as soon as possible). What can be done about this later? You can continue being professional and cordial in all your dealings with her, so your life-long relationship can improve. So that you'll at least nod & smile at each other at your daughter's wedding. (Yes, you do have a life-long relationship with anyone with whom you share a child. Whether she likes it or not!).

Another bad thing is your lack of sufficient access to your daughter. What can be done now? Make each visitation a fun, special occasion for her so she looks forward to it. Let Mom be the evil, naggy parent who makes her do boring stuff like eat broccoli or tidy up her toys; let yourself be the fun parent she always has a fantastic time with. What can be done later? As soon as you can afford it and are in a stable situation, lawyer up again and sue for sole or joint custody of your daughter.

When you've finished that exercise, look at the good things and see what you can do to focus on them more. If there's something you enjoy, can you do more of it? If there's something you'd like to do that you aren't doing now or have stopped doing because of life events, can you add it to the list and start doing it again?

[2.B.Dana]

Amore,
While you have made hundreds of posts, I have only come across your stuff in the last week or so. I'm not sure what it is about your picture but you seem to be the kind of lady I would want to be friends with if we lived near each other. To me your picture glows. I have no idea where you started but you look physically ready for life as a woman but your prior family life seems to be rubble. My hearts aches for you.

This past week I was cleaning through boxes of "stuff" that seems to collect that no one knows what to do with. I came across a packet of photos that had pictures of my oldest, who is now 25, back to when she was a baby through early high school. I think it had been for some project. I sat just balling my eyes out knowing that if my trans issue was known earlier she wouldn't exist. I can't imagine that. I have two adopted kids who have received a entirely different chance at life because of adoption. They most likely would have completed their youth in an orphanage. I try to remember that as I look at the pain I have and am in the process of giving my family. And there seems no way to "fix" any of it.  I just bristle when ignorant people think we just choose one day to want to be a woman. Who would ever just choose this life?

I have read stories of spouses reconciling to at least agreeable terms many years after transition is done and wounds have had time to heal. I pray that can happen for you. Hopefully at some point your ex will have a change of heart and allow much more time with your daughter. We really do not have any idea what tomorrow will bring. I have only been outed to a select few people at this point and the responses have been entirely different than I thought. Before the summer is over I have to tell my three daughters and I think I would rather cut my own heart out than do this to them. I believe I have screwed up their vision of men for life. My wife is quick to point out that isn't true and that their relationship with me will survive, only in a new way.

Maybe now is a time of killing with kindness as they say, breaking down stereotypes your ex may be harboring. Allowing her time to heal from the crushing blow to her psyche she feels about this. Your daughter has a big life ahead of her and she needs you in it even if now its at a reduced time factor. Possibly focus on becoming the best you that you can be so she sees someone who overcame immense odds rather than someone who was crushed by them.

Sending an online sister a big hug and a box of tissue, hang in there. As they say, it will be alright in the end and if its not alright then its not the end.

[Amoré]

Thank you Dana

At this stage I am just at a really really bad place in my life if I give my bf a hug I start sobbing I am starting a new job next week and don't know how in this world I am going to be strong enough to make it.

I also can't stop dreaming about my ex she is in my dreams every night. Everything is just screwed up I am sitting with dyharia because all of this is so upsetting. I can't sit still I have to do self study for my work on a subject and I am struggling with that also. I don't know anymore.

It feels like there is a wrecking ball inside me just ripping me apart. It feels like it is washing out too the outside and threatens my life again.

I will try FTMDiaries advice maybe that would help thank you

[JeanetteLW]

  Hi Amore,

  Your distress is palpable and my heart breaks for you. The depth of your pain is terrible indeed. I can only relate it to the pain I went through long ago when after my daughter left home no longer speaking to me then my divorce from the woman I still loved became final, the loss my job of over 17 years, and my Dad dying all inside of 6 months. For 2 years I believed my life had ended and wasn't worth living. Had I not gone to help my Mom it probably would have come to and end.
  It is a terrible state to be in indeed, and I feel your pain when you write.  I don't have a magic wand to wave it away for you, I can only say you can survive it. It won't be easy. No it is going to be one of the hardest things you will live through, but you can live through it just as I lived through my pain.
  I hurt so bad that I wished my ex had just died, I believed that the pain of morning her would have been lees than the pain of her leaving me. I still loved her even though she did her best to hurt me even more. She went as far as outting me to my work and all of our friends. Eventually I came to believe that her leaving me was probably the best thing she could do for her own well being at the time. Your perspective of things can change over time as you come to grips with events that seem unendurable at the time.
  You can survive this Amore, you can. Find someone you can talk to about how you feel. Someone that will be judgemental. Someone that ill just listen and let you cry. And you will cry You have to let that disabling pain out before you can get healing from it.

Hugs, tight protective hugs Amore.

  Jeanette

[Amoré]

If it wasn't for my partner I would possibly not have been here anymore he is the rock in my life at this stage. I don't know how I will ever repay him and I feel like this thing that I am stuck in my head with being stuck in the past is only unfair to him. He is willing to wait it out and is fully aware of it.

I can't really put into words how bad I am hurting there is no way of measuring it. The best thing she could have done for herself also for her mental health was to leave. I had a lot of depressive episodes before she left. She had to protect herself for my daughter also I guess.

I just wish this feelings can subside that I can just live my life as a woman now and find happiness. But at this stage it is just overwhelming that I am thinking if it wasn't for my daughter and boyfriend I would end the pain.

[SailorMars1994]

I fear that sometimes my posts and replies can come across way too harsh. I will add Amore, i do feel for you and your posts, all of them have tugged on my heart strings. If I ever came across as to rough around the edges I do apologize. I really just wish you could find a way to cut your ex as much out of your life as reasonally possible. I know with a child that will not be possible to totally say bye. But she left your house (or perhaps it was vice versa). Anyways, she chose to leave your life so dont allow her to be renting in your own head. To be honest, I do think it is perfectly reasonable for a spouse to RESPECTFULLY break up with a partner who transitions. I say this because the non trans-spouse is obviously attracted to the gender that the trans person truly isnt. Yes, the person on the inside will remain in tack but a straight woman or a gay man wants to be with a male. But, it should also require the ex-spouse to be an adult and relize this isnt a game and it can be life or death and hopefully they can remain friends or be atleast respectful. Respect meaning isnt being vendictive or hurtful and to be understanding. They still want to be a friend or atleast a good buddy.  Your ex is sadly not that person, and you gotta reduce the feelings you have for her one way or another. For one its not fair to be thinking of her for two reasons: 1 she spits her venom at you at every opprutunity and 2, you have a wonderful man who wants to be with you!!! let him take the room in your mind, not her! I have read yours posts, a lot of em and I just hope you can get this fixed soon <3

Hugs-Ashley

[Amoré]

But, it should also require the ex-spouse to be an adult and relize this isnt a game and it can be life or death and hopefully they can remain friends or be atleast respectful. Respect meaning isnt being vendictive or hurtful and to be understanding. They still want to be a friend or atleast a good buddy.  Your ex is sadly not that person, and you gotta reduce the feelings you have for her one way or another. For one its not fair to be thinking of her for two reasons: 1 she spits her venom at you at every opprutunity and 2, you have a wonderful man who wants to be with you!!! let him take the room in your mind, not her! I have read yours posts, a lot of em and I just hope you can get this fixed soon <3

Hugs-Ashley

I do agree with you they can choose to stay with you or not. What gets to me is my transition was dependent on her choice also. She initially supported me told me it is the best time she ever had she want this for us and how proud she is and so on. I felt something off but went with it. She came out as bisexual to me and promised she is. Well when other people asked her she froze up and eventually decided she wants a divorce and she is not bisexual. I still believe she is bisexual till this day but she had her own demon to fight in coming to terms with that.

When she changed her mind and did not want to be with me she played mind games that made it impossible to cope with being trans. I tried to stay a man but everything that I did was judged and gauged against me wanting to be a woman. I will get anxiety attacks and she would just close the door and leave me in the room. She challenged me to commit suicide. But still after this all my brain can't let go.

When I suggested to be friends she dismissed the idea told me that she doesn't want to be friends with a person like me and she can choose her friends and crap. I was like ummmmm we are bound to have some sort of relationship because I have a child with you might as well make the best of it. I think if she would have made friends this would not have been as hard because.

When I had one of my anxiety depression episodes last week my boyfriend asked her to talk to me and asked her who can he speak with for helping me and she said I am unstable and wanted to take my child away, she then went on to say if I kill myself she feels nothing she don't care what I do she is over it. If I do it she don't care a slightest bit. I also feel that mourning her death would be easier than mourning the loss of someone you loved and knowing that they walk around and despise you so much that they don't care about your life. It would be a blessing for them if you where dead

[SailorMars1994]

I do agree with you they can choose to stay with you or not. What gets to me is my transition was dependent on her choice also. She initially supported me told me it is the best time she ever had she want this for us and how proud she is and so on. I felt something off but went with it. She came out as bisexual to me and promised she is. Well when other people asked her she froze up and eventually decided she wants a divorce and she is not bisexual. I still believe she is bisexual till this day but she had her own demon to fight in coming to terms with that.

When she changed her mind and did not want to be with me she played mind games that made it impossible to cope with being trans. I tried to stay a man but everything that I did was judged and gauged against me wanting to be a woman. I will get anxiety attacks and she would just close the door and leave me in the room. She challenged me to commit suicide. But still after this all my brain can't let go.

When I suggested to be friends she dismissed the idea told me that she doesn't want to be friends with a person like me and she can choose her friends and crap. I was like ummmmm we are bound to have some sort of relationship because I have a child with you might as well make the best of it. I think if she would have made friends this would not have been as hard because.

When I had one of my anxiety depression episodes last week my boyfriend asked her to talk to me and asked her who can he speak with for helping me and she said I am unstable and wanted to take my child away, she then went on to say if I kill myself she feels nothing she don't care what I do she is over it. If I do it she don't care a slightest bit. I also feel that mourning her death would be easier than mourning the loss of someone you loved and knowing that they walk around and despise you so much that they don't care about your life. It would be a blessing for them if you where dead

Plain and simple, avoid her and make her dead to yourself. She is obvously insecure about herself and she takes it out on you. She even badgered you to commint suicide. You really think she cares about you? do you really think she cares about your child? No. She is worse then a bully, she is basically evil in my honest opinion. She is despicable and you need to find someway to find her out of your space. She isnt your ex lover, she is the the woman who gave birth to your child! No lover would ever challange their spouse to kill themselves. She is evil. Dont love her, dont hate her just become indifferent to her. Make it known you have no feelings what so ever for her. Litterly, none.

[Amoré]

Plain and simple, avoid her and make her dead to yourself. She is obvously insecure about herself and she takes it out on you. She even badgered you to commint suicide. You really think she cares about you? do you really think she cares about your child? No. She is worse then a bully, she is basically evil in my honest opinion. She is despicable and you need to find someway to find her out of your space. She isnt your ex lover, she is the the woman who gave birth to your child! No lover would ever challange their spouse to kill themselves. She is evil. Dont love her, dont hate her just become indifferent to her. Make it known you have no feelings what so ever for her. Litterly, none.

Believe me I am trying to get her out of my space that is why I am doing no contact. I don't know why my head is still filled with her that is the problem. No matter what she does or did it still doesn't want to let go. I moved on transitioned am a woman now that she absolutely hates. Logically it all makes sense but feeling wise it is different it craves something that is not there anymore

I wish I could just wake up with amnesia and forget about the past

[RobynD]

Wow i am so sorry you are dealing with this with your ex. Breakups of any sort can be hard but when the one you once believed would be your life partner turns mean on you, it makes it even worse. It sounds like she is being totally heartless and that is more on her than you. We all know that will come back to haunt her in any a number of ways. She needs counseling so that she can coparent with you, and do it an amicable way that will best influence your daughter's life. Simply writing you off helps nobody.

As to your thinking about her all the time i get it, sometimes we really want what we can't have and that consumes a lot of us. The strategies i have used to get over breakups include other relationships, both casual and deep. One of my issues is that i am super scared of being without a significant other, that has clouded my life choices and i may never be free of that. You have the relationship going and that is awesome he is being supportive. The more you grow to understand him, support him and love him, the more your distance from the hurt should subside.

Other strategies i have used is to get outside more - i don't know why but that helps my outlook on everything and helps put things in perspective. Therapy is important as you can afford it. Another one to consider is meditation.

[Amoré]

Wow i am so sorry you are dealing with this with your ex. Breakups of any sort can be hard but when the one you once believed would be your life partner turns mean on you, it makes it even worse. It sounds like she is being totally heartless and that is more on her than you. We all know that will come back to haunt her in any a number of ways. She needs counseling so that she can coparent with you, and do it an amicable way that will best influence your daughter's life. Simply writing you off helps nobody.

As to your thinking about her all the time i get it, sometimes we really want what we can't have and that consumes a lot of us. The strategies i have used to get over breakups include other relationships, both casual and deep. One of my issues is that i am super scared of being without a significant other, that has clouded my life choices and i may never be free of that. You have the relationship going and that is awesome he is being supportive. The more you grow to understand him, support him and love him, the more your distance from the hurt should subside.

Other strategies i have used is to get outside more - i don't know why but that helps my outlook on everything and helps put things in perspective. Therapy is important as you can afford it. Another one to consider is meditation.

My boyfriend acts as a mediator between the two of us at this stage as she doesn't want to speak to me or hear anything from me she threatens if I message her she would take my daughter away. Also that she would get a restraining order and this even goes for messages about my daughter. She doesn't want my presence in any way in her life and it makes it even harder. I Will try to get outside more and look into meditation also.

I know I am crying against something I can't win as I can't win this and have my past back.I can't make dysphoria go away and can't undo the transition divorce and all the damage done. I just wish the noise in my head will go away now. I have a appointment for tomorrow night with my therapist so maybe she can help.

[Amoré]

Who of you became your true gender and can really say you are much more happier today in your new life with a new partner? I am sitting in bed depressed for the last week and a half and haven't got the energy to even go too the bathroom. I don't want to go back to a clinic this will only give my ex more ammunition to take my daughter away. I find I have very confused and conflicting feelings over my past and present.

To give you an idea how wonderful my boyfriend is. He allows me things that I may do like grow my hair long or I can cut it off if I wanted too. He allows me to have things like buy new vape gear and build my mining farm. He wants me to transition further. He is unselfish he bought my daughter clothes this weekend and find plesure in it. My daughter seems to be warming up towards him. He is everything you could wish for in a partner but still my brain wants something from that stupid woman.

If he had the money he would have paid for my op. He takes me with my flaws the list goes on and on why he is better than her for me.

[Thessa]

Amore,
I don't know if this helps but I will share my current situation.
I would say that I'm (much?) happier, the only downside in my case is also my still not ex-wife.

Contrary to you I'm the cold-hearted, vengeful bitch according to her. She can't see that she totally f*ed up the relationship and situation. I have to admit that after what she has done to me over the last years it was the only way for me to distance myself from her. I just show her the cold shoulder most of the time. She is still the woman who gave birth to my child but for me she doesn't exist anymore.

Unfortunately we have also a child together but my daughter just turned 11 and decided to stay with me for most of the time. I can totally feel your pain, with my older daughter (I have with another woman) it was the classical every two weeks weekend visitation right. And it sucked because her mother tried to sabotage our relationship in every way possible. But I overcame that situation, my daughter decided to leave her mother (sneaked out in the middle of the night) and she lived with us until she moved to her boyfriend.

So what I have learned is that we are able to move on, sometimes it takes long, especially if we still have to deal with them. TBH I have a lot of regrets and the keep me up at night. Not every night but I happens once in a while.

Regarding relationship, I'm still single and I plan to stay single, at least for the time being. I want to focus on my child and myself. There is no room for another human being.

Based on your description, your boyfriend is a real sweetheart, try to focus on your relationship with him. Be active, outdoor, roadtrips whatever you two want to do. Distract yourself, so that you can charge your batteries for the interaction with your ex.

Your daughter will see - sooner or later - what kind of a person her mother is.

[Amoré]

Your daughter will see - sooner or later - what kind of a person her mother is.

I really hope so and it is nice that your daughter stays  with you most of the time. Me and my boyfriend is discussing of moving closer to her so she can see us more. The only problem is I put myself in line to bump into my ex and her possibly new boyfriend around town. I hope also that my daughter see what person her mom is but she is only 3 turning 4 this year. so the road too that may be long. I was also the b that took her husband away, in so many ways I don't know why my brain wants to go back to the past if the last two years of it was just hell. I look at pictures of good times and mourn the loss of that relationship but the last two years there was any but happy things happening.

I don't know why my brain is just clinging on for dear life and it is feeling if I am dying while the reality is the relationship would not have been the same.

[Paige]

I hope also that my daughter see what person her mom is but she is only 3 turning 4 this year. so the road too that may be long.

Hi Dana,
I think you'll be amazed how fast they grow up.  It seems like just yesterday my daughters were the same age as yours. Now they are both in university.  As other have said, make the times you have with your daughter count.  She may only be 3 but it's amazing what kids pick up. 

As for your obsession with your wife.  I really think you need to talk about this with your therapist.  Perhaps it's worth paying the price for one visit right now.  There's a lot going on here but it's definitely not healthy for you to desire a relationship with someone who has emotionally abused you like this.

Take care,
Paige

[Amoré]

Hi Dana,
I think you'll be amazed how fast they grow up.  It seems like just yesterday my daughters were the same age as yours. Now they are both in university.  As other have said, make the times you have with your daughter count.  She may only be 3 but it's amazing what kids pick up. 

As for your obsession with your wife.  I really think you need to talk about this with your therapist.  Perhaps it's worth paying the price for one visit right now.  There's a lot going on here but it's definitely not healthy for you to desire a relationship with someone who has emotionally abused you like this.

Take care,
Paige

Hi Paige

I can imagine they grow up fast. I just hope she doesn't resent me for this one day and see me as a better person.

I am seeing a therapist tonight I bit the bullet because I can't take it anymore the obsession is going to kill me if I don't do something because I can't take it anymore. I am going to go insane lose my mind and do something stupid I can't go on like it forever.

[RobynD]

You are a better person because of the choices you made to be your authentic self, your daughter will see that. You did not end the relationship she did and did it an abusive way no less. Your boyfriend sounds really great and supportive.

Definitely agree on focusing on him and focusing therapy on dealing with her. Sometimes we tend to be attracted to people that treat us badly for a number of reasons including the thought that our love can change them into the person we want them to be, and that past wrongs can be made right.

Eventually bumping into her, her and her boyfriend, or even meeting her for a coparenting meeting should not be painful. Hopefully she will get help for her wrath so that a healthy relationship can exist. My boyfriend still calls his family including his ex "family", they still get together for holidays and have meals together etc. It was not even close to that cordial or loving when they split, so there is an example of people deciding to be healthy.