I need help

[2.B.Dana]

It is only hard because the mind wants what it wants I have regret sometimes and think if only I could stay male all this hurt would not be there if only I kept my mouth shut. I know eventually it all would have boiled down and I would have broken down. I sometimes feel male still and I don't know why. I hate the feeling because it gives me false hope and that maybe I could have made it if only I tried harder.

Amore,

What you said is what I have been struggling with over the last day or so especially. Today I go to a small wedding in the family for my niece. It is the first family event since I came out to my wife two months ago. I thought things would be easier but it all seems to get only harder. Today will be very hard on my wife. She will do lots of crying, as will I, and my sisters will want to know why and we will have some other reason as to not mess with the special day. It will be the first time since my Dad passed last September that I will be in all male attire, a suit etc. Feeling like such a fraud.

It seems if I can keep busy or focused on something then I'm ok. Then I think, wow, its gone? Only to have these feelings rush back over me with a vengeance . I don't know if this feeling of screwing up my family and my life will ever go away. My wife is trying to be very supportive and knows this isn't something I "did" to us but I fear in the end it will cost me my marriage. At some point I want to go full time but I really doubt she will be able to handle that.

It is just so "day by day" with no belief in any real plans for the future. I had a bit of a melt down by myself last night after my wife was in bed and so wanted this all to be over. I know that my daughters need me in their future but it just feels like such a heavy burden at times. I'm not sure I will be able to carry the load.

My HRT has been delayed 5 weeks now for various reasons and I know the longer it goes the more I realize its not a magic pill. I read of other ladies who have been moving through transition for years and still dealing with strong times of GD.

I suppose I should be asking for some cheese to go with my whine by now but today really hurts. So many of you are the dearest friends I feel I have ever had and we have never met. Warm hugs of friendship to you.

[Amoré]

It is only hard because the mind wants what it wants I have regret sometimes and think if only I could stay male all this hurt would not be there if only I kept my mouth shut. I know eventually it all would have boiled down and I would have broken down. I sometimes feel male still and I don't know why. I hate the feeling because it gives me false hope and that maybe I could have made it if only I tried harder.

Amore,

What you said is what I have been struggling with over the last day or so especially. Today I go to a small wedding in the family for my niece. It is the first family event since I came out to my wife two months ago. I thought things would be easier but it all seems to get only harder. Today will be very hard on my wife. She will do lots of crying, as will I, and my sisters will want to know why and we will have some other reason as to not mess with the special day. It will be the first time since my Dad passed last September that I will be in all male attire, a suit etc. Feeling like such a fraud.

It seems if I can keep busy or focused on something then I'm ok. Then I think, wow, its gone? Only to have these feelings rush back over me with a vengeance . I don't know if this feeling of screwing up my family and my life will ever go away. My wife is trying to be very supportive and knows this isn't something I "did" to us but I fear in the end it will cost me my marriage. At some point I want to go full time but I really doubt she will be able to handle that.

It is just so "day by day" with no belief in any real plans for the future. I had a bit of a melt down by myself last night after my wife was in bed and so wanted this all to be over. I know that my daughters need me in their future but it just feels like such a heavy burden at times. I'm not sure I will be able to carry the load.

My HRT has been delayed 5 weeks now for various reasons and I know the longer it goes the more I realize its not a magic pill. I read of other ladies who have been moving through transition for years and still dealing with strong times of GD.

I suppose I should be asking for some cheese to go with my whine by now but today really hurts. So many of you are the dearest friends I feel I have ever had and we have never met. Warm hugs of friendship to you.

Hi Dana, I am so sorry you are struggling also it seems never ending for me and I do get bouts where it is worse and other times less, if I keep busy the feelings subside and I focus on the job at hand. But once the weekend hits and things calm down now I creep back into the denial phase.

I deal with strong gd feelings and not feeling right. I feel male at times and what is the use of transitioning if I have I still feel male and it makes me uncomfortable. It is like I opened up a can of worms for myself when it was supposed to be a solution to gd and feeling male causing me discomfort. I keep on telling myself well you are a woman now you are not a man you are supposed to be in sync but then I look in my pants and find that thing there that reminds me of my male part because it is like the male thing you can get there is nothing female about it. My dad and my brother calls me on my male name so if that helps. My ex also refuses too help teach my child that I am female and all this just reminds me about my roots. Each time I am naked or have to go too the toilet it is a reminder of my roots of being male. 

I am at this stage trying to adjust to my ex being with someone new I don't want to meet him until I am comfortable. It is important that I don't get hurt because it hurts like hell still.