I'm really not sure whether this belongs here in Non-Binary (because it's related to me being nonbinary) or one of the Transitioning forums (because it's related to my hormones). If you think I'd be better off just posting this in one of the Transitioning forums, I'd appreciate your input on that. Anyway...
Some background information:
I identify as a AMAB nonbinary transfeminine person, and also sometimes as a demigirl. In October 2014, I started a HRT regimen comprised of Spironolactone and Estradiol daily. I have always had a slight tendency to get weak and dizzy at random times, and especially when moving from a lying or sitting position to a standing position. However, over the next couple years after starting HRT, these fainting episodes became increasingly common. It was eventually determined that my natural tendency to have low blood pressure combined with a side effect of Spironolactone was the cause. In October 2016, I made the decision to stop taking Estradiol, as I had come to the realization that my breast development and some other effects were actually making my body dysphoria worse. I also realized that I've become unwilling to further modify my body all at. My fainting episodes continued to increase in frequency and seriousness, until a few months ago, when my PCP made the decision to cut my dose of Spironolactone down to half, and then to a quarter following yet another fainting episode. During this time, my PCP also became increasingly concerned about the possible health risks of my having low sex hormone levels for an extended period of time.
Here's the problem:
A little over two weeks ago, my PCP sent me an email in which he informed me that he was giving me a deadline in 30 days (now 13 days remaining) to meet with the nurse practitioner I normally work with for HRT to decide on one of two options:
A. Resume taking Estradiol, likely with a much lowered dose of Spironolactone
B. Stop taking Spironolactone completely, and let my body resume its normal testosterone production.
This is an extremely difficult decision for me to make because the effects of estrogen and testosterone on my body both make my dysphoria worse. For me, being nonbinary means desiring a completely sexless body, without primary and secondary sex characteristics. Unfortunately I was born with a penis and testicles, so the best I can manage is trying to keep my body as close to my prepubescent one as possible. I've failed pretty spectacularly at that, too, but being on just Spironolactone alone these past six months has at least slowed things from getting worse. And now I'm going to lose that, too.
I really just have no idea what to do. I know that there are serious health risks related to having low sex hormone levels, and I know that Spironolactone was causing my fainting episodes. But I don't want my body to further maculinize or feminize. I already can't handle the levels of breast development and body hair growth I have. I don't even want to imagine what it will be like if either of those gets worse.
In a perfect world, I would just find some way to indefinitely end my body's production of testosterone, and do my best to mitigate the risks with lots of calcium, vitamin D, and load-bearing exercise. Actually, in a ~really~ perfect would, I would have been born with something resembling XY gonadal dysgenesis. But whatever. It's not a perfect world. So I have to make a choice.
I guess what I'm trying to ask is... Have you ever had to make a decision like this? What did you do? What has it been like? Do you regret the decision you made? Do you also feel like the medical system for trans people has failed you? Do you even feel like your life is worth living anymore? Do you think I'd be better off if I just bite the bullet and get rid of my testes?
Your thoughts, please.
