Seeing my dad for the first time after I transitioined

[Amoré]

Well tomorrow is a big day for me I am seeing my dad for the first time in a year and 3 months from that I started transitioning. I am scared because I don't know what to expect because he is not really comfortable with the whole thing.

You see I am his first borne and carry the family name I was the one that should have carried on the blood line. He told my sister that he is very hurt with my transition. I just don't know how to act or what to do or how to dress even. He keeps on calling me on my dead name and insists on it. It is so irretating because he can't move on. 

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Good luck tomorrow. Maybe tell him that you know he doesn't understand, but you're doing what's right for you. My friends don't understand, but they also say that what they DO understand is that they have never seen me happier.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Rachel_Christina]

Honestly if it wher me I wouldn't see him until he treats you with respect.
My father has not bothered with me since he found out 3 months ago.
I find it super depressing but not until he treats me right will he see me again

[Amoré]

Honestly if it wher me I wouldn't see him until he treats you with respect.
My father has not bothered with me since he found out 3 months ago.
I find it super depressing but not until he treats me right will he see me again

It is a bit of a difficult situation I am trying to comfort him also. I know it doesn't help me when he calls me by my dead name but what can I really do if he doesn't want to work with.

[jentay1367]

Well....if you're like the majority of us, you can explain to him that the options weren't whether or not you or male or female. Explain that the actual alternative was female or dead. This may bring it home for him. Many in the cis world think this is some kind of decision we make. Like it was a whim you woke up with. The most narcissistic of them feel your doing it to ruin their lives.
      I would personally show up dressed as who you generally present as. That would seem to be the sincerest and most respectful way to deal with it. Stuff is what it is. It's his to internalize it and deal with it.
Anything else seems to be subterfuge at its best and a lie at the worst.

[Amoré]

Well....if you're like the majority of us, you can explain to him that the options weren't whether or not you or male or female. Explain that the actual alternative was female or dead. This may bring it home for him. Many in the cis world think this is some kind of decision we make. Like it was a whim you woke up with. The most narcissistic of them feel your doing it to ruin their lives.
      I would personally show up dressed as who you generally present as. That would seem to be the sincerest and most respectful way to deal with it. Stuff is what it is. It's his to internalize it and deal with it.
Anything else seems to be subterfuge at its best and a lie at the worst.

Hi, I am like the majority where it wasn't an option. It was less of a choice and more my head driving me absolutely insane to be female. So it was female or dead because I could not live with the noise in my head anymore. It seems that he gets this part now. I think you are right that the best would be to present as me. He would have to start dealing with who I am now in his own way because I can't change who I am to suite other people anymore.

[SailorMars1994]

As others said here better then I can. Pull 'er off like a band-aide. Be yourself.

[Rachel_Christina]

Yeah definitely present how you feel girl!

[jentay1367]

We spend all this resolve to be ourselves and then try to spare the feelings of those we love most with appeasement. That appeasement is often cruel because we leave those people with false hopes. So yes...I think for all concerned what you intend is the best tact. He needs to understand your dedication to living an authentic existence. All you can do is express your love for him and hope he reciprocates. Good luck, Hon. J

[Charlie Nicki]

I think you should dress the way you do now, but when it comes to the name...I would give the guy a break. I completely understand that the name is a huge part of who you are but in a way I feel like you can ease your father into the idea of the "new" you if you at least let him call you however he's more comfortable. I guess I'm seeing this as someone who has yet to transition or change their name but if my mom told me she can't bring herself to call me by my new name, I would tell her it's all right and that I understand it can be hard to detach to it. And to just call me that if it makes her more comfortable.

[jentay1367]

I think you should dress the way you do now, but when it comes to the name...I would give the guy a break. I completely understand that the name is a huge part of who you are but in a way I feel like you can ease your father into the idea of the "new" you if you at least let him call you however he's more comfortable. I guess I'm seeing this as someone who has yet to transition or change their name but if my mom told me she can't bring herself to call me by my new name, I would tell her it's all right and that I understand it can be hard to detach to it. And to just call me that if it makes her more comfortable.

In public I'd insist on his discretion. Simply because if he's dead naming you there, it could create for uncomfortable moments in front of clerks or wait people or anyone for that matter. So I would actually insist he call me by my proper name in a public forum. If he can't do that? I'd share that you're not comfortable meeting him anywhere other than his or your home...and I'd tell him exactly why. It's that old oxymoron at play, "common courtesy".

[Amoré]

I think you should dress the way you do now, but when it comes to the name...I would give the guy a break. I completely understand that the name is a huge part of who you are but in a way I feel like you can ease your father into the idea of the "new" you if you at least let him call you however he's more comfortable. I guess I'm seeing this as someone who has yet to transition or change their name but if my mom told me she can't bring herself to call me by my new name, I would tell her it's all right and that I understand it can be hard to detach to it. And to just call me that if it makes her more comfortable.

I think I would give him a break this time my mom and them still screw it up now and then also. But he is persistent this is the name he gave me and this is what he will call me. I guess it is like my child that wants to call me papa she calls me momsy sometimes but it is rare. It would be interesting to see how he would handle the situation in a public setting. But let me ease him into the new me they said too my sister they don't know what to expect exactly and how I look now.

[Denise]

I think I would give him a break this time ...

I intend to give my parents a permanent pass (they are 85)  I've corrected them once on the phone, but that's the last time I'll do it.

About your appearance - i suggest you tone it down a little.  Depending upon what you want to get out of the meeting.   Do you want to shock him and possibly turn him away for good?  Or do you want to have a nice chat about 'stuff' and possibly get together next week/month again?

If you want to keep up a relationship I suggest:
NO Make-up (finger nail polish, eyes, lips, ... nothing)
No jewelry
Jeans
Flats
A sweater that shows your assets but NOT IN YOUR FACE.

This will give him a chance to see the person he knows but at the same time see that there are some real changes that are not ... cosmetic.  Then add stuff slowly.

If you want to keep a relationship bring him along slowly.

- My two cents.

[Jacqueline]

I am moving this topic to Community Conversation/Transitioning/RLE

warmly,

Joanna

[Charlie Nicki]

I intend to give my parents a permanent pass (they are 85)  I've corrected them once on the phone, but that's the last time I'll do it.

About your appearance - i suggest you tone it down a little.  Depending upon what you want to get out of the meeting.   Do you want to shock him and possibly turn him away for good?  Or do you want to have a nice chat about 'stuff' and possibly get together next week/month again?

If you want to keep up a relationship I suggest:
NO Make-up (finger nail polish, eyes, lips, ... nothing)
No jewelry
Jeans
Flats
A sweater that shows your assets but NOT IN YOUR FACE.

This will give him a chance to see the person he knows but at the same time see that there are some real changes that are not ... cosmetic.  Then add stuff slowly.

If you want to keep a relationship bring him along slowly.

- My two cents.

This sounds like a very good idea.

[jentay1367]

What's good for one is a disaster for others. Unfortunately, there's nothing cookie cutter about us. We have to assess our situation, make a decision based on knowledge and intuition and then hope for the best. Threads like these are interesting for sharing ideas and commiseration,  but we can never know the extenuating circumstance the person in question is experiencing. As is often stated for cautionary perspective.....YMMV

[Jerri]

I have seen my father only twice in many years, I am the first born son / grandson and on the first visit he did not understand, he is in his 80's now and under Hospis care I went to see him last weekend we had a chance to talk for a few minutes while he was aware between meds. I do feel both he and his wife could see that for the first time in many years I am happy with my life. So even though we came to understanding we found that there was peace with my changes. and I knowing that it was only outside of his dreams he did not hate me or who I am
So I guess what I am saying is dont expect miracles but I sure wish I would have let go of my pride and self doubt to force spending enough time with him when he was healthy, to have a relationship even if would have been a messed up one. letting people get to know me has been the best experience for creating understanding and acceptance that I found, I know it is not same for everyone, but that is my story

Jerri 

[cdhd2001]

Mine disowned me, so problem solved. Uhg.

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