The loneliness of transition.

[Rachel_Christina]

Hey all, just wanted to get this off my chest.
I have been really struggling with the loneliness that I feel since coming out to my parents. I haven't spoken to dad in months and my mom has gotten so cold and harsh.
She never replies to half of what I say to her anymore, we wher super close, I called home every night.
And my uncle here managed to get me to go see some religious councilor friend of his in a Church next Thursday :/
Mum has been holding on to the hope that I will be "converted",.

Will things ever be normal again?
Makes me wonder about coming out atall, loosing all my friends. Not that I have too many but still.
It so sad how they can't understand how much of myself I sacrificed for ther happiness

[Denise]

I know that online friends typically don't count, but I'll be your friend.  Your profile doesn't say where you live but if you are in the US and anywhere east of the Mississippi river north of let's say the Mason-Dixon line... let me know and we'll do lunch one day.  (or meet in Las Vegas ... you never know!)

I'm not sure what a Religious Counselor is, but maybe you can convert them.

[IdontEven]

I'm sorry your family isn't treating you better, and that they aren't showing you the loyalty that you showed them.

I'd reconsider going to the councilor, unless you really think he has something good to say. I highly doubt anything he says will be good for your mental health, if he just tells you a bunch of "trans is a sin" BS.

I hope you find some new people, whose love isn't so conditional.

[Rachel_Christina]

Thanks you two. And Yea Denise I count you as a friend here. I am living in Switzerland, originally from Ireland, so I am a little lost :/. Launch a day would be great though :')
I dunno what to expect from this councilor guy, my uncle thinks he is great, of course he is super religious too.
I really hope they don't trash me... For my life. I can do nothing about it, I most definitely would if I could.

It just downs me to no end seeing no message from my mum every now and then like it used to be.
I feel myself welling up just typing this. Why do be people have to be so cruel

[LizK]

Even at my age it sucks when your parents won't show any support towards you. My mum went missing for about 18months after I came out to her. Each time I would skype call them she would disappear and I would have these horrible transphobic conversations with my father. It got really bad until another family member stepped in and told them to pull their heads in a bit. That took over 18months but today they saw a picture of me for the first time and were genuine in their beautiful comments.

I know how tough it is to keep going back, but if you are able just to keep that conversation going somehow, keep those lines of communication open, let them see you are still you. There remains a chance you may even get the relationship working again one day. But one thing is for certain if the door is not left open then reconciliation has very little chance of happening.

Liz

[Lynne]

I had some rough times with my parents over the years, there were times when we didn't speak for months, we didn't part on the best of terms when I moved out from home.

Parents sometimes have a hard time understanding that transition is absolutely needed and they feel that they are loosing something and a lot of times they fear that you will ruin your life by transitioning and they are not willing to participate in anything that (from their perspective) harms you. And if religion and 'what others will think' comes in, it can be even harder for them. They have to realize at some point that it's their behavior that hurts you and not your decision to live true to yourself.

In the last two years my relationship with my parents seems to be improving, we'll see how they'll react after seeing official documentation with my new name on it. They haven't seen my in male mode for years and the email address they know is under my new name already so they have time to get used to the idea.

Give them some time, live your life, be the best daughter you can be without sacrificing yourself completely and as others have said, keep communicating because that will be the key to repair the relationship with your parents.

[2.B.Dana]

ChristineRachel,

First let me say I enjoy your postings and find you strikingly beautiful with a certain sense of sass in your pictures. Wish you could be full time cause you rock!

I think others have said in previous posts that we tend to build a whole new support structure based on living our lives as a woman instead of a man and that makes sense. I am not sure if you have developed new hobbies etc that would lead to other friends but that is something to consider.

As a Christian I am (insert negative emotion) at the way most in the church handle transgender people and the whole topic in general. I would be pleasantly surprised if they didn't try to "cure" you. So many link their thoughts about transgender to their sin issue with homosexuality that it clouds there judgement and any ability to really see what we are. I believe there are 31,705 verses in the Bible and approximately 7 deal with homosexuality, thats seven not seven thousand, but they treat it like its half the Bible sometimes and transgender gets dragged into the mix. Ugh!

As a parent and also someone who was estranged from my Mom for three years or so I certainly can feel for you. Having a transgender child would be hard for any parent to process, especially the mom because they feel responsible for every breath and decision the child makes, no matter the age. It takes time to heal on all parts and there is no telling whether dad will ever allow the healing given the way men process things.

My suggestion is to commit to sending her cards. Say one a week. Old fashion pen to paper and share your heart and your appreciation for all of the little things she has done along the way and your commitment to her. Eventually I believe that love will win the day because a mom does not want separation from her kids.

Meanwhile those of us living in boring places will swoon over your exotic locale

[Raell]

I'm a partial transmale who spent my life living as a female, but having a mind wired more like a male.

Females, especially religious ones, tend to use passive aggressive/religious guilt methods to punish/control offspring who aren't living exactly as they wish.
My mom would stop writing or contacting me when I was at college if I said anything at all that didn't match her beliefs, to punish me.
My sister still does this.

Being of a male mind, I either didn't notice or didn't care. If my mom didn't write me, I never missed her letters because they were mostly lectures on what I should be doing. I make sporadic attempts to communicate with my sister but she has been annoyed with me most of my adult life due to my clueless male behavior.

I did become close to my mother in last five years of her life, when I lived in the same house but that was only after we did a bit of emotional healing stuff, and none of it had anything to do with my being partially trans, since I only realized what I was in 2013, and my parents passed in 2008.

You don't have to obey your uncle at all. Just laugh and say something glib about having other plans, and if they get pushy, just say "Naw, I don't think so," and immediately change the subject.

Maybe it's time to make new connections and friends who accept you, and let your relatives sort things out for themselves. As long as you are needy and beg for their approval, they can punish you for trying to be yourself.

Here is a link to resources in transgender Switzerland, and I'm sure there are many more. Maybe you could attend a support group, or find transfriends nearby:
https://www.angloinfo.com/how-to/switzerland/family/lgbt

[Kylo]

Will things ever be normal again?
Makes me wonder about coming out atall, loosing all my friends. Not that I have too many but still.
It so sad how they can't understand how much of myself I sacrificed for ther happiness

They might not be. For some people transition really does mean starting a new life, making new friends, and finding others who will be equivalent to family. If you were just used and underappreciated, and if they will never make the effort, you may as well consider them a lost cause. Mine were a lost cause long ago before any of this stuff came to light. It's sad, but at least you can escape it and find better people.

[Rachel_Christina]

Thanks all of y'all.
I see my best approach would probably be simply keeping convo alive, even if it is not as frequent.
Maybe they will eventually feel sorry for just letting me fade out of their lives?... Maybe they will see something that changes their minds on the topic.
And Raell that's a good point, about the male mind. In general males will beore lone wolf and not rely as much on there parents or siblings.
I was always very female in that regard, I clung onto them, I always talk with them, and now nothing.
My neediness for them got even worse as Hormones and my changes started happening. I feel like a little girl developing and now no one wants to help me or talk to me about changes, I duno I always seen it as a very mother daughter experience... :/
And thanks Dana, maybe I do get a little Sassy when I am cleaned up, I spend all my time a bum. When I finally get the chance to be me, I am on fire.
I will see what happens with this religious guy, if he commits to downing me I am walking out, he knows nothing of the workings of God as do I. Being nice to others is all it really boils down too
Hopefully things do work out, it has been very tough after Christmas, I love my family, and if I didn't have to transition I wouldn't.
And yea making new friends is so hard when you are not out, things is It don't want to while I am not out, making more friendships based on that lie that is my old life is a waste of time.
Thanks for all your help guys, it really helps my mental

[sophie89]

hey, this is a life where you will have to grow up very much faster! if your parents cannot provide support, so be it! you are an adult and exceptionnal person. Seek support around you in the present rather than in you past. Try to understand that parents do the best they can for you, and somtimes they can't enough.

[JoanneB]

Immediate family members often have a difficult time coming to accept our decisions. Some members of my group went as long as 10-15 years before some level recognition (as in actually speaking, even with a name slip or pronoun slip).

Right now they are still in shock and are hoping/praying "It is a Phase"

Hence the Go-To route of "conversion". Sadly a religious therapist will likely try to leverage the lifetime of Shame & Guilt harvested inside of you in order to get you to see the light.  Be Strong and true to your true self

[Rachel_Christina]

Thanks Sophie and Joanne,
Trust me I have enough time spent trying to convert myself.
If I couldn't do it no one can.
I just hope he doesn't leave me feeling depressed, as I do believe in God.
It's a very simple way off looking at God for me,  but those Religious people have so over complicated the whole thing, people can't be bothered with it anymore :/

[Raell]

No need to see the religious nut conversion therapy guy at all!

Why would you even want to put yourself in their power? Just say you've changed your mind and don't go!

Here's an effective technique: when people treat you in a negative manner, simply let your attention wander, then say you have to be somewhere, and LEAVE. Only look at people and smile at them when they behave in a positive manner toward you. Very quickly, you'll teach them to only be nice to you if they want your attention.

It worked on my parents, when they kept accusing and attacking me whenever my daughter and I visited. I'd say, look at the time, well, we gotta run! Love you! See you around, and we'd leave. This only happened twice before they changed their tune.

You must be consistent and NOT need their approval. Find new friends from links to connect with transgender peers.
As for God, have you even read the Bible?
It's filled with laws telling people to stone children who talk back, who pick up things on Saturday, who touch unclean things, etc. It's a book that sounds like ISIS law. No reason to let anyone start using one verse out of it to condemn you. Whoever they are have cooked food on Saturday and should be stoned, according to the same Old Testament laws they are using to condemn you.

Religion is all about controlling people..especially women, who men were allowed to buy and sell in the Old Testament.

[Drexy/Drex]

I agree with  Raell , I wouldn't  go to that guy... he will only have one point of view... his!
they will want you to desist..... which is something  you cannot do.... so don't  waste your time it starts off  nice but gets heavy the further you go
You make a beautiful  woman.... It was written  in your genetics  it's so plain to see....
negative  people are a plague  .....avoid them stand your ground 

[Fresas con Nata]

Here's an effective technique: when people treat you in a negative manner, simply let your attention wander, then say you have to be somewhere, and LEAVE.

And this is easier done if you arrange for someone to call you. At that point you'll have the choice to leave (eg. "a friend's granny just passed and she needs me, sorry let's catch up later") or stay if if you're not too uncomfortable.

[Rachel_Christina]

I have read quite abit of it yes, but I don't take it so literally.
Thanks Markie, I think even though most are advising me otherwise, I am gonna go ahead a meet him now.
More so for curiosity, he will not deter me, I know who I am
If he gets checky to me I am outa there. I will only do this once too as he is miles away too :@
And actually expects abit of payment, pffftt

[Rambler]

I can relate to the loneliness aspect of it, and I've only been actively working towards transition for about 3 months. The hardest part for me is that people just don't have any way of understanding where I'm coming from. My wife & the few friends I've come out to have been incredibly supportive, but I can't help but feel isolated. I can only imagine how my parents & siblings will react, much less my ultra-conservative grandparents and extended family who I have no intention of including in my plans until I'm nearing the time to come out. Resources like Susan's, long distance conversations with a friend from college who came out a couple years before me, and being myself in safe spaces like therapy & voice lessons helps immensely and has given me an opportunity to practice presenting totally female while I work on my transition. Going to a religiously oriented counselor for LGBT matters immediately raises red flags for me, particularly if it is being recommended by someone who doesn't particularly support you. If you feel as though it could be beneficial then go for it, but please be careful and be prepared to listen to to ignorance and misunderstanding and try not to let anything negative they might have to say affect you.

[Rachel_Christina]

Hey all.

So I went to this guy yesterday afternoon. The Religious councilor.
Spent like hours in there, it was actually really good. He was kind and listened non judgementally.
I was surprised really.
Just talked about my life and how I feel and why I think I feel this way, and what he thinks can happen.
It's funny as a trans person who has been down all the mental roads and ways of thinking, ther was nothing really he threw at me that caught me off guard.
I've been there done that mentally already.
I told him how I see things very simply now, I have stopped worrying about what it means to be trans, or why I am trans, or trying not to be trans. Things do still get me down from time to time, but not because of me being trans, its others around me that bring me down.
I must learn to get passed that, and for certain of these people simply give them time!
I was very surprised by this whole experience in many ways so far.
Mostly good surprises, my life feels right since begining it all, and I am so greatful I could do this.
I am also so grateful that yesterday went so well and he didn't justs sass me all the way to the inferno lol
Anyway thats it for now.
Thank you girls and guys for all your help too, you are wee stars <33

[LiliFee]

And this is easier done if you arrange for someone to call you. At that point you'll have the choice to leave (eg. "a friend's granny just passed and she needs me, sorry let's catch up later") or stay if if you're not too uncomfortable.

There are fake phonecall apps too! Super easy... Just let your mind wander, make a comment about the weather and BANG! Marie calls because her cat tried to jump in the pool again (silly cat). Now you've gotta go and help her...