How do I come out to my lgbt phobic, staunch christian, trump supporting mother?

[Justarandomname]

So I'm a 30's mtf who's been on hrt for under 2 years.  I speak to my mom occasionally but since I am getting ffs in a few months, I feel I need to tell her eventually.  She is the only family member that I haven't told yet due to her very narrow and bigoted views on the lgbt community.  She has noticed the changes but never questioned me about it.  We haven't been close but I still love her and would like to let her know but I have a feeling she will not take it well. 

The thing is, when I spoke to her a few months ago about the difficult things in my life, she mentioned that as long as I am not "funny" (she couldn't even say the word gay), and go to church, I would be fine.  I was so exasperated that I asked her how she would feel if I was gay, she became incredibly livid and told me that the worst thing that a child can do to their parents is being gay (Yes, I was just as shocked at that comment.)  This pissed me off so much, I couldn't even talk to her after that.  I mean, how the heck can a parent say that someone being born gay is "doing" something horrible to their parents? 

When my sister was in town, she stayed with my mom for a few weeks and the topic of being trans came up.  My mom thought the whole thing was weird but when my sister accidentally mentioned that I "might" be trans, my mom pretty much lost her S*** and screamed and yelled at my sister (my mom has a incredibly manic and destructive temper).  My sister had to lie and tell her that she wasn't talking about me but about one of her friends.

Anyway, this has caused me so much stress to the point that I would rather not tell her and just disappear from her life without saying anything.  I don't know what to do.

tldr; 30's mtf getting ffs soon, not sure if I can tell my mother who has a destructive temper, is incredibly lgbt phobic, staunch christian that I am trans.  Only family member I haven't told, willing to never talk to her or even mention being trans and just disappear without a word.  But in my heart, I deeply hope she will accept me.  Not sure what to do.

[Dena]

Normally I am in favor of being face to face when coming out but this might be the exception. I think it might be best to write a very detailed letter with your history and your plans and send it off to her. In this case it will save you from her abrasive personality and it may allow her to preserve some of her dignity by not having her blowup being witnessed. After that, you need to play it by ear and see what her response is. If she doesn't cool down, perhaps stepping out of her life for the time being might be best. She can always re establish contact through other family members if she changes her mind.

[Denise]

... the worst thing that a child can do to their parents is being gay...

Shocked? Okay - maybe a little upset (PISSED OFF!).

I like Dena's idea of a detailed letter.  Might I also suggest (if you can wait until June) to send her a copy of National Geographic Documentary called "Gender Revolutions".  It's a good tutorial on intersex/transgender and how they are similar.  Reference it in the enclosed letter and tell her to watch it before making any decisions.

I do agree that a face-to-face would probably not be a good move.  If you do please make sure you have other family support with you in the house.  Don't make it feel like you're ganging up on her.

- Please let us know how things go.

[Justarandomname]

Thank you Dena and Denise,

I was thinking about a letter but part of me would feel guilty after writing it and the fear of talking to her on the phone afterwards.  I'm afraid of what she would say and how it would be difficult for me to convey some things without also just losing my temper and hanging up on her.  To be honest, I have no idea what my fears are, but maybe possibility of hurting my mom by telling her or just the fear of her reaction and the guilt I would feel.

As for the national geographic special, is that the Katie Couric one?

[Amanda_Combs]

Just my personal perspective; but this does sound like it may be a situation in which you need to just drop her out of your life.  Perhaps base your decision on how she takes that letter.  Ultimately, it's a matter of whether or not you have the potential to benefit from the relationship. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[2.B.Dana]

I would suggest spending some time on the website gendertree. As a committed Christian it helped me to come to terms with my transgender self and really led me see it from a different perspective. She may have built her faith around rules and structure without any option of thinking that she or those around her may be wrong in any of their thinking. I have always found it amusing when pastors would joke with a congregation that when they arrive in heaven they will realize they were wrong about some things
It is unfortunate but she may never soften her heart enough to consider she may be wrong. Or, as many have seen, she may come face to face with "losing" a child and have a real moment of clarity and begin to accept your true self.
I do think combining some things you will find on the website I mentioned and doing it in writing, where you can refine it a bit over a few days would be a decent option. You don't get the option of modifying your approach during a conversation but it does give her time to absorb the information without confrontation.

[JoanneB]

Like Dena, I am a fan of Face-to-Face, except perhaps in this case. Which, logistically, is somewhat easier to do since it sounds like there is a significant geographical separation and only phone calls for the longest time.

Being from New Jersey, the birthplace of scheming, underhanded double dealings, and conniving, (not just our duly elected non-representatives in government) I would do a Bait & Switch. Start the letter with bringing out her maternal instincts and love for you by saying that you are about to undergo a much needed surgical procedure, in as vague and fuzzy weasel words as you can manage for the what and when. Play up operations, surgery, pray for your surgeon's hands and skill. Pray for your recovery.... Then slip in dropping the T-Bomb. Though I am unfamiliar with Gendertree, there is a lot out there affirming the basic tenet of God doesn't make mistakes, and includes TGs. Slipping in some "Learned" words from someone she may respect can't hurt, especially at an moment she just may be open and vulnerable to questioning a long deeply held belief. 

Time the mailing to arrive the day of the surgery.

[Denise]

As for the national geographic special, is that the Katie Couric one?

Yes.

  I also suggest avoiding the phone.  Writing a letter (not email) will allow you to get the words correct. You can't be interrupted.  She can read it more than once.  She can reply after a thoughtful period and choose her own words carefully.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

[NotSure81]

I agree about writing a letter. If she calls you take the call and just be the person you want to be. If she doesn't accept you or starts her temper against you, hang up and don't answer the phone again. Change your number if she gets abusive and aggressive. Then drop her out of your life - completely. If when she comes to her senses she can write you or use another family member to get into contact. However even if she loses her mind, give her time. Its a big change and may take her awhile to adjust to the new reality whether she likes it or not. If she accepts you, great. But I don't see this happening based on your summary. However leave at least an opening to contact you but if all you get is grief the entire time, you may need to drop that opening of contact. Sever all communication with her.

Just my 2 cents from someone who hasn't come out to his/her family or friends yet...

[kat69]

I'm a bit of a hybrid when it comes to "coming out".  I've always been ready with a letter in hand to just in case I couldn't speak, finish, or keep from crying.  I tried to tell my parents face to face, but I just couldn't do it, so I gave them the letter and went for a walk with the dog (well I walked, the dog got hugged).  During that time, my parents read the letter.   Everything that needed to be said was there and it was clear. 

Whether my parents accepted it or not was the big worry, but once I started it knew that whatever happened I was being honest, truthful and myself.  You aren't responsible for how others will react, they are the ones that have to live with the consequences of their reactions.  You have the moral high ground, you are in the right.  I know that this can't be easy....most of us have done it many times before, but I'm sure you know that it needs to be done, and the earlier it is done, the earlier the burden is lifted off of you and healing can begin (if needed).