Explaining transgender to someone religious?

[Vincent J]

I am ftm trans, and I came out to certain important figures in my life.... They are like parental figures, but not exactly my parents... The woman and her stepson accepted it no problem... but the father... he isn't that accepting. He knows he can't change my mind though and is supposedly letting me do what I want. I have tried to explain to him before when he asked, that I don't feel like I'm in the right body.. That maybe god made me who I am, and that was I was made trans gendered.. I told him how I spent so many..many years.. trying to align my mind to my body but it just never worked and that's why I am now going to do the reverse approach. Today the wife told me she briefly mentioned how I am going on hormones soon to him, and he didn't react in a pleasant way... He is always so nice and kind to me, always loved me like I was one of his children.. but now, even though he says he still does, I feel like now he is having doubts just because of this decision I made.. I just want to feel comfortable in my own body.. but something tells me once I start taking hormones, I will lose a father figure... I just want him to understand I feel like an alien in my own body, but even through all of that - he doesn't get it. He is very Christian and I know his feelings are based off of it. What can I do to get him to understand or at least truly relax about it? I don't want to lose him.

[cutekitten]

Hithere,
I can relate to your problems. I myself have a very devout catholic father (which I am not planning to come out to for reasons unrelated to his faith).
Is he referring to scriptures as to his non acceptance of your choice? Because if he is, the great thing is you can always find a reply using those same scriptures. The clerics have done so for 100 of years in order to maintain their power over people (the flexibility in interpretation of the biblic texts have started numerous wars as well). The duality of gender in christianity (and Islam) isn't incompatible with what you are. The biggest proof is how in most countries where Islam is the state religion, transexuality is mostly accepted (if you tgransition all the way) while homosexuality is not.
Most likely his inacceptance is not due to his faith and if he truely loves you, I hope time will heal those wounds. The best weapon you have is to keep showing him that you care about him. And maybe you should keep a bit of distance at first while you undergo your transition.
It is  so great that you have the support of his wife and stepson. Use their support at the moment, and whatever happens,  this should be your number one priority.
take care
Alexis

[Michelle_P]

I'be been in this situation with my son, who is quite religious.  I explained myself using the Parable of the Talents.  This post covers the parable and my application of it in detail:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,209969.msg1859857.html#msg1859857

As an executive summary, well,  I was born into a family that was well off, with intelligent parents, and had the genetics and home that would make life pretty easy.  I think God saw that and and determined that a special gift was appropriate to help me grow to my potential.  He caused my mothers doctor to prescribe a medication (DES, DiEthylStilbesterone) while I was growing in her that made my brain ready to receive a female soul.  Given this gift, I could bury it, and have nothing in addition to return to God at the end of my life, or I could invest it, improve it, work with it to return it to God multiplied manifold.  There are those in society who would have me bury it, contrary to what Jesus teaches us in the Parable of the Talents, but these are like the hypocrites cast out of the Temple, and I ignore them.

Applied to the "God doesn't make mistakes" argument that claims we are not real:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,212012.msg1879590.html#msg1879590

[JeanetteLW]

 I know your pain, Vincent. I recently had "The Talk" with my daughter and her husband who are both pretty religious going to one of those strange modern churches with the band and new fangled songs were they belt out praise to God. It works for them and the young folk in the country but it's not the churches that I went to as a kid.
  Anyway my daughter has decided that something terrible must have happened in my childhood that is responsible for all my past vices and failures and now this "latest one".. My believing I am trans.. Her solution is for me to come to God and he will fix me.  She know full well how I feel about  religion. We have an agreement to disagree. I was pretty hurt a few days later when she posted a prayer request on Facebook after telling my 5 grand kids all about grandpa.
  In her words she was heartbroken for her children who were devastated and sad after receiving terrible news regarding a family member they loved. I PMed her, asking if she had told them I had died. I have gotten any answer to that nor have I heard anything from her after I came out to her and went home the next day. They had said they needed time to think about where we go from here.  I am beginning to think there is no longer anywhere to go.

[Elis]

Just tell them it's a proven medical condition not a mental one; that your brain is wired male but something went 'wrong' in the womb and you were given the wrong hormones so the rest of you developed female. That brain scans show that your brain looks very similar to that of a natal male. That studies show that medical transitioning is the best treatment. That being given estrogen to cure you worked as well as giving gay men estrogen to cure or stop their behaviour in the past. That it's no longer called gender dysphoria disorder as it's been discounted as a mental illness.

[FTMax]

I would consider myself very Christian. I do not believe that God makes mistakes, and therefore if I am transgender then it is for a purpose. My belief since deciding to transition is that God would open up the right doors at the right times to get me exactly where He'd planned for me.

And I've felt that every step of the way. Early on my dysphoria was awful and I felt like I wanted to die most of the time. Yet I had the right people in my life who guided me toward the right doctors to access HRT quickly, who pointed me in the direction of a therapist who would quickly write me a referral for top surgery. Bottom surgery was harder and took longer, but for every door that closed to me there seemed to be an after effect that justified it. For example, the first surgeon I was planning to go to had nonstop scheduling issues that caused me to cancel my surgery with him. Not a week later, two close friends of mine Skyped to say that their surgeries with him had been botched and that they were unhappy. I ended up going to a great surgeon, experienced the best care of my life, and am very pleased with the outcome.

And now here we are. I still don't know why I was born trans, but I do believe that there is a purpose in all of that pain and experience. Perhaps it is so I can be here to answer people's questions, or to give others some hope of what is possible. Perhaps its something more. I don't think we're meant to know what the plan is. That's what faith is about. Perhaps your father figure needs to be reminded of that.

[Violets]

Just tell them it's a proven medical condition not a mental one; that your brain is wired male but something went 'wrong' in the womb and you were given the wrong hormones so the rest of you developed female. That brain scans show that your brain looks very similar to that of a natal male. That studies show that medical transitioning is the best treatment. That being given estrogen to cure you worked as well as giving gay men estrogen to cure or stop their behaviour in the past. That it's no longer called gender dysphoria disorder as it's been discounted as a mental illness.

Sadly, using science to describe the aetiology of our condition just doesn't work with many religious folk. The 'it's innate' argument often falls on deaf ears because their religion has drummed it into them that LGBT people are perverts and abominations. They believe it is a choice, despite much biological evidence to the contrary. It's just another example of where religion is struggling to keep up with science.

[AnneK]

Just tell them it's a proven medical condition not a mental one

The problem is that people who believe in religion have already proven they're not interested in facts that challenge their beliefs.

[Gertrude]

I am ftm trans, and I came out to certain important figures in my life.... They are like parental figures, but not exactly my parents... The woman and her stepson accepted it no problem... but the father... he isn't that accepting. He knows he can't change my mind though and is supposedly letting me do what I want. I have tried to explain to him before when he asked, that I don't feel like I'm in the right body.. That maybe god made me who I am, and that was I was made trans gendered.. I told him how I spent so many..many years.. trying to align my mind to my body but it just never worked and that's why I am now going to do the reverse approach. Today the wife told me she briefly mentioned how I am going on hormones soon to him, and he didn't react in a pleasant way... He is always so nice and kind to me, always loved me like I was one of his children.. but now, even though he says he still does, I feel like now he is having doubts just because of this decision I made.. I just want to feel comfortable in my own body.. but something tells me once I start taking hormones, I will lose a father figure... I just want him to understand I feel like an alien in my own body, but even through all of that - he doesn't get it. He is very Christian and I know his feelings are based off of it. What can I do to get him to understand or at least truly relax about it? I don't want to lose him.

I don't understand that he's letting you do what you want. Why do you need his permission?

If you want a hopeful look at religion, look up Mark Wingfield on TED Talks.


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[Elis]

Just to add; as others have pointed out that using science may not convince him; is that you can't argue with bigoted people. It's mostly a useless attempt. Sadly all you can do is give them all the right info; and then block them out of your life if they refuse to listen.

[Gertrude]

The problem is that people who believe in religion have already proven they're not interested in facts that challenge their beliefs.

Religion and politics require the suspension of disbelief.


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[Vincent J]

Thank you everyone, for your insight and comments.

I don't understand that he's letting you do what you want. Why do you need his permission?

If you want a hopeful look at religion, look up Mark Wingfield on TED Talks.


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I need his permission because I am 17 and I live with him. There's a lot of detail I'd rather not get into unless one is purely interested in reading long paragraphs. Thank you for the info, btw.

[NikkiB51]

Just an FYI, in most states in America you can make your own healthcare decisions at 16.  YMMV, outside of the US.  So, technically, you do not need his permission.  Hope that helps, in some way.  His blessing is another story.  Good luck, either way.

[FTMax]

Just an FYI, in most states in America you can make your own healthcare decisions at 16.  YMMV, outside of the US.  So, technically, you do not need his permission.  Hope that helps, in some way.

Do you have a source for this? The WPATH standards cite "age of majority", which is 18 in most states.

[NikkiB51]

In most states, mental health services are accessible by children 16 and older on their own behalf.  Since a mental health professional is the first step in pursuing hormone treatment, she can access this without permission.  Then the physician would be able to proceed with treatment based on the mental health professional's opinion of the necessity. 

Courts have held that minors as young as 12 can access their own healthcare with regards to contraception, sexually-transmitted disease and pregnancy.  Courts have also held (and medicine is slowly accepting) that children have a right to direction of their own healthcare.  Here 8s a good article on the subject:

https://www.guttmacher.org/gpr/2000/08/minors-and-right-consent-health-care

[Devlyn]

Big hug, Vincent! In the end, you don't have any say on whether he accepts you or not. What we do see is that love, and the people who love us seeing us happy, often overcomes religious beliefs. Sometimes not. I assume you'll be starting HRT at 18? You may be starting life out on your own, too. Don't get caught without a plan.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Gertrude]

Thank you everyone, for your insight and comments.


I need his permission because I am 17 and I live with him. There's a lot of detail I'd rather not get into unless one is purely interested in reading long paragraphs. Thank you for the info, btw.

I didn't know you are a minor living with him. It makes more sense now.


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[connorlb14]

I would consider myself very Christian. I do not believe that God makes mistakes, and therefore if I am transgender then it is for a purpose. My belief since deciding to transition is that God would open up the right doors at the right times to get me exactly where He'd planned for me.

And I've felt that every step of the way. Early on my dysphoria was awful and I felt like I wanted to die most of the time. Yet I had the right people in my life who guided me toward the right doctors to access HRT quickly, who pointed me in the direction of a therapist who would quickly write me a referral for top surgery. Bottom surgery was harder and took longer, but for every door that closed to me there seemed to be an after effect that justified it. For example, the first surgeon I was planning to go to had nonstop scheduling issues that caused me to cancel my surgery with him. Not a week later, two close friends of mine Skyped to say that their surgeries with him had been botched and that they were unhappy. I ended up going to a great surgeon, experienced the best care of my life, and am very pleased with the outcome.

And now here we are. I still don't know why I was born trans, but I do believe that there is a purpose in all of that pain and experience. Perhaps it is so I can be here to answer people's questions, or to give others some hope of what is possible. Perhaps its something more. I don't think we're meant to know what the plan is. That's what faith is about. Perhaps your father figure needs to be reminded of that.

I completely agree. I think a part of all we go through is to help others who need it and show we are all Gods children.
BTW   FTMax, I have a I am getting ready for my top surgery in June. I have a pile of questions that I would really like to ask you about your recent bottom surgery. I have found I cannot contact you, individually, except through this site. Is there a way to pm you with my questions. Some are very personal and situational to only me, or at least, I think they are. Can you let me know how to contact you of you are okay with talking to me.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place connorlb. There is a PM function that will become available to you when you reach 15 quality posts. Engage in a few conversations and you should some gain the ability. You might even open a thread on the topic you are interested in as FTMax is more than willing to answer questions in the forum. Don't attempt to post pad or your profile will be restricted by staff. It's all explained in the following links.

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[FTMax]

I completely agree. I think a part of all we go through is to help others who need it and show we are all Gods children.
BTW   FTMax, I have a I am getting ready for my top surgery in June. I have a pile of questions that I would really like to ask you about your recent bottom surgery. I have found I cannot contact you, individually, except through this site. Is there a way to pm you with my questions. Some are very personal and situational to only me, or at least, I think they are. Can you let me know how to contact you of you are okay with talking to me.

Like Dena mentions above, you're welcome to start a thread or two and ask your questions. I read everything that gets posted in the top surgery and bottom surgery boards, so I'll definitely chime in with responses when I see it. You'll be able to PM at 15 quality posts. If neither of those options appeal to you, you can click the link to my Wordpress in my signature. There is a link along the top banner there that will take you to a contact form and I'll reply to your message in a day or so.