Want to stealth transition...

[BrittanyRose]

Hi ladies

I am a 29 year old, and I have always had the urge to transition and I am heavily thinking about it a lot lately. I don't have the gall to come out to my friends and family. I am closeted in both sexuality and gender identity. I long to be a woman, and I want to be with men as a woman. I just do not know what steps to take, have no idea if I would ever have enough money to achieve my goal.

I know this seems far fetched, and hopefully not insulting to some, but I believe the only way I can force myself to do whar I've always wanted to do, would be to move away to a different province or something and begin transitioning there.

If I have to come back and visit friends and family then I would switch to boy mode I guess.. If its even possible.

I need some advice, I know a lot of you will tell me not to bother attempting "stealth" (would it be called stealth if I moved away and began transition? I'm not sure of the term.) but honestly I don't see there being any other way to do it...

If someone could help me out a bit here with some advice it would be greatly appreciated. I probably sound like an insecure jerk and I'm sorry if I offend anyone, its just, I live in such a small place...I thibk my family probably would accept it but I still can't bring myself to do it or something....its like I feel like I would dissappoint my grandfather or something that I am not truly like my father who passed away years ago and my grandfather kind of looks at me like I'm a carbon copy of him or something... I can't explain it.
Sorry if I went too deep there I'm just really lost on my whole identity here.

Thank you!

[Dani]

Welcome to Susan's Place.

We have all been there before so you are not alone. Depending on what country and province you are from, there must be some transgender support group available. Google will help you find something. Our condition is much more common than anyone can imagine.

A therapist can also help you sort out your feelings. Make sure you find one who is well versed in transgender issues. Some of us need to fully and permanently transition. While others are more gender fluid making some changes but not complete transition. You must determine what you need to do and how far you want to take transition. Friends and counselors can help, but the decision is ultimately your own.

Moving to another location is an option, but you will be completely alone for a while. Some of us find the loneliness too much to bear. That is where support groups come into play. Just talking to anyone about our issues can help.

If you do decide to move to another location, I would suggest to first start with an androgynous look in hair, make up and clothes. Then as you find yourself, you can make the changes you need to.

Keep in mind that finances will be your most important issue if you do move. A good job or money in the bank will help.

[Rambler]

Brittany,

There is no right or wrong way to go about transition. Only what works for you. Transitioning in stealth means something different to all of us. To some, stealth might be moving away to where they don't know anyone to go through the process. To others, it is going through the process as discreetly as possible for as long as possible. As of right now, I'm transitioning in stealth. Outside of my home, I present as a male with the exception of some androgynous clothing articles that I like the look of. No one would know I'm working towards living my life as a woman, and, if all goes as planned, no one will until I'm ready to make them privy to the information. I'm sure it won't work out as flawlessly as I would like, but ideally I'll just make the switch once I feel mentally and physically ready.

The only catch in your plan is present friends & family. You can move away, start hormones, get surgeries, and become the person you see inside & out, but at some point you are going to either have to tell them or disappear from their lives entirely. First things first. Get yourself an appointment with a therapist who has some experience dealing with gender dysphoria and start getting your wants & needs figured out!

[BrittanyRose]

Thank you for your advice.. Another issue is that I am heavily involved in music as well...feel like if I were to transition I may have to quit even bothering to play due to the personality change....not sure if I could bear to sing in my normal voice if I were switched over/the music half relies on me as a character also so its like...frig its such a touch decision. No idea what to do and mental health help around here is next to impossible, been trying to get into a therapist for like 2 years...

Argh I wish it was easier!!!

[Rambler]

Depending on where your voice falls, it may be that you can relearn how to sing in a different range. I started in a trans voice program with a coach who has a musical background and there are several trans clients who also sing who are working to tweak their singing voices as well as their day to day speaking voices. The process will surely be more involved, but anyone who has a musical background d will have a leg up on the voice aspect anyways. You simply won't know until you try it.

[BrittanyRose]

I can definitely talk like a female, actually been forcing myself to sound more manly for most of my life, but not sure if I could sing on key like that

Sigh, I dunno I'm sure I could figure it out. Ideally I could live as a woman and perform as a man while keeping the two seperate lol....sounds a bit impossible in this internet age though :-/

[findingreason]

Welcome to Susan's! I'm sure that you will find people here with experiences like you, and a community to connect with.

I don't believe you are being offensive at all. What you are feeling is very normal, and many of us would like to transition without being on the radar. It can be both a myriad of experiences to have to come out to the world. It can be exciting, terrifying, full of hardship. I wish I was able to skip the coming out part, because I had a lot of problems with my family. They ultimately got resolved, but it took a couple months and some conflict. I was living in a different state at the time of transition, so I was able to be on HRT for several months before I had to do anything. My family had no idea for a while. Moving can be a very freeing process, but also lonely if you don't build a new support group and friend circles. Ultimately, unless you fell completely out of connection with your family, to transition fully, they would eventually have to know. The way I understand stealth, it is basically living as your target gender without giving any indicators of your past to the community around you. To do this, moving would almost be a certainty. Eventually the changes that we have from HRT will become impossible to hide after a while. This is especially the case if you have been away for a long time, and people have not had the chance to see you regularly and miss the changes because they see it so gradually.

I can relate to how you feel with regards to singing. It is something I love, and for a long time I struggled with the idea of giving up singing in order to transition because I would still sound male. I eventually encountered the band Against Me!, whose lead singer Laura Jane Grace sings in her male voice regularly for the group. She inspired me to continue singing regardless of my transition. I could still love what I did, and not care what others thought about it. I'm working on a musical collaboration with a friend of mine and her band now.

To start, you have a few different routes. Depending on where you live, it's possible to pursue informed consent path for hormone treatment, and skip the therapy part if you are resolved to transitioning. If you don't have access to that in your area, then you would likely need to find a therapist that specializes in gender identity issues, and go through something like the WPATH standards of treatment. They can also help you sort out the path of transition you wish to pursue if you are struggling with the coming out aspects of transition. If you live in the states, or in a few of the countries on the links below, you may be able to find a therapist through one of these tools:

https://www.susans.org/links/Healthcare/Therapists_&_Counselors
http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender-therapists

I hope some of this was able to be helpful, and if you need any advice or ideas, let me know.

[Meghan]

To me transition is a long term commitment journey and you have to determine what you want. Transition is the most important decision in your life, so you must decide carefully this step. Just to remember when you are beginning transition by talking to Gender therapy counseling and hormones replacement therapy you can not go back since genie's already​ out of the bottles. I had seen within transgender community of people begin transition than regret the idea. That why is important to talk to your counseling and support groups.

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[BrittanyRose]

Thank you. I have so much to mull over! The problem is I've been mulling it over for years, at 29 I sure hope I am not too old to be able to pass if I decide to do this, I am very poor so wouldn't be able to afford most things

I thought I could keep it down but lately I've even been having dreams of transitioning and everything, which has never happened before.

[Meghan]

For better or worse I am beginning my transition at the age 57, and you never be too late for new beginning.

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[Michelle_P]

Welcome, BrittanyRose!

The path you describe is a really old one.  When medical transitions and GCS first started appearing, as someone completed their transition and received surgery they were actually counseled to move far away and cut off all contact with their past associates and family.  Pretty cold stuff, and a harsh way to start life as a new person.  It did manage to avoid upsetting others with seeing a transition, which I always suspected was a big factor.

Nowadays, the fears we have over acceptance by others are in many regions, just unfounded fears.  We may have a relative or friend who just wants the old image there, and cannot tolerate the thought of someone they knew changing, but acceptance is often much more common than we fear.

I think you'll see lots of examples of how to handle coming out and transition on this site.

I hope you feel welcome here.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to take a look, please take a moment to go through them.

Things that you should read

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Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

[findingreason]

Thank you. I have so much to mull over! The problem is I've been mulling it over for years, at 29 I sure hope I am not too old to be able to pass if I decide to do this, I am very poor so wouldn't be able to afford most things

I thought I could keep it down but lately I've even been having dreams of transitioning and everything, which has never happened before.

No problem We're never too old to transition. I've seen plenty that have transitioned at much older ages and still had good results. While passing can be an important part of transition, being true to ourselves and what our hearts tell us is most important. I can relate to being poor; I wasn't able to afford a lot of things in the United States, and it wasn't until I moved to Finland to be with my spouse that I was able to start gearing towards some of the treatments I need, such as facial hair removal.

[Charlie Nicki]

I can definitely talk like a female, actually been forcing myself to sound more manly for most of my life, but not sure if I could sing on key like that

Sigh, I dunno I'm sure I could figure it out. Ideally I could live as a woman and perform as a man while keeping the two seperate lol....sounds a bit impossible in this internet age though :-/

I get the impression that the music world is very open minded and embraces people who are different. Why would you want to continue performing in man mode? I think having a transgender female as the star of a band/music show would be amazing.

[BrittanyRose]

Well I dunno I wouldn't want people to be listening to it because of the reason I would be transgender, I just would feel uncomfortable with it being constantly brought up, cmon we all know it would be haha. I dunno I just have weird fears I guess lol.

[Daniellekai]

Stealthy transition is tricky, sort of what I'm doing, it comes with the expectation that at some point people will notice. Not on HRT yet, but it's just around the corner. For me at least just growing my hair out and losing weight has gotten some strange looks. As far as musicians go...

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isabella_Bennett

[Janes Groove]

cmon we all know it would be haha. I dunno I just have weird fears I guess lol.

You think that now.  These are all pre-transition thoughts and feelings. HRT changes things. It's very powerful medicine. The changes are significant and unpredictable.  You may find after you begin your transition that you will have a different outlook.

A quote from another thread here recently, "a female brain on estrogen is a very powerful thing."

[Debra]

I totally get where you're coming from. I sometimes felt trapped in my old life and that kept me from transitioning.

At some pt I had to break out of the old life and do it anyway. If for you that means moving away then do it. Nothing wrong with that. It will have its own challenges really.

[Sinclair]

A little different take on your situation. One of the most successful, fulfilled group of people who transition are older. The saying, "been there done that" is a reality for people who have spent the vast majority of their adult lives as their assigned gender. So, stealth transition, or a slow transition, at a young age would seem to be a safe option for some. They can can turn back, if desired, or blend a mix of gender fluidity into their lives without any permanent changes. HRT, for me, is the touchstone for who you are. I love everything HRT does. That said, I'm old enough to say, "been there, done that" as a male. In my mind I have completed the male journey and I'm unsatisfied. I have enough life experience to know that I was never fulfilled in that role, and that my true self is just now being explored. To me, it's very exciting. And, I know I won't have any regrets because as a male, I have done all of it, including marriage. I know I have found my true self. So, at your age, a slow transition, or stealth transition make sense, explore all of your self before making permanent changes either way. Best wishes! 

[Dani]

One of the most successful, fulfilled group of people who transition are older. The saying, "been there done that" is a reality for people who have spent the vast majority of their adult lives as their assigned gender.

I agree completely. I transitioned at age 66 and I have been there and done it all. The interesting thing about older people is that we really do not care what anyone else thinks about us.

When I transitioned, I did it for me. I needed to transition. It is easier for a financially stable, self assured person to do what ever they want or need to do. Yes I needed a little more surgery to "pass". I certainly do not look like a 20 something, but I am happy with my result.

[Daniellekai]

I agree completely. I transitioned at age 66 and I have been there and done it all. The interesting thing about older people is that we really do not care what anyone else thinks about us.

When I transitioned, I did it for me. I needed to transition. It is easier for a financially stable, self assured person to do what ever they want or need to do. Yes I needed a little more surgery to "pass". I certainly do not look like a 20 something, but I am happy with my result.

I'm in my thirties, but also feel like I'm pretty much done with man things, what's left doesn't even pique my interest. If I hurry I can look like a twenty something with enough makeup, and that's something I need to experience for some reason, letting go of caring what people think about me is the hardest thing I have to do to make this happen, but I'm doing it, slowly. Luckily I'm in a state where transgender medicine is required to be covered on insurance. I know how it sounds to say all that, but my viewpoint differs to the point that I thought it adds to the conversation here. Notably if I need surgery to pass that won't be covered, it's "cosmetic". I'm hopeful for my features with the exception of nose and brow ridge, it's not a huge ridge though, maybe I can get away with just a little highlighter.