Hi! I am older than you (58), but have a very similar story and situation. I wanted to be a girl when I was young and dressed often in secret (or though I thought) in my mother's lingerie. My thoughts and desires were then repressed and I developed life long depression. To make a long story short, about a year ago, I found a therapist who helped me to realize that I am TG. By accepting my true gender identity my depression almost disappeared and only rears its ugly head when I begin denying that I am a woman inside.
So first, open up to your therapist. Tell her everything. That is why she is there. Talking about it will clarify things immensely for you. I can tell my therapist anything including what I wear under my clothes, how I feel about sex with my wife, etc.,etc. You need to talk to someone who is not
judgmental.You need to talk it all out and make sure where you are in the gender spectrum.
Next comes the real problem for both of us ~ the wife! I have been married for 31 years. My wife was ready to leave me because of my depression. I crossdressed in panties and pantyhose in secret sporadically for years, but had no idea why I did it and felt extremely ashamed and guilty afterwards. When I finally came out to my wife, it was like an earthquake hit. On one hand, she was overjoyed that I was no longer depressed, that we enjoyed our time together and we were friends. At first, she was very accepting and even gave me a drawer in her dresser for my new collection of panties and pantyhose and even a bra. But she didn't want to see me in them. It didn't take long until imagining me in lace panties was too much. She told me she didn't know if she could be married to a man that wanted to be a woman and she certainly couldn't become sexually excited by a man who wears lace panties.
Again, to make a long story short, we talked about our feelings quite often. She began to read about the science behind TG and realized it wasn't my choice. I explained to her why I needed to crossdress ~ that I felt so trapped in my body that I needed something that made me feel feminine. Now I keep my lingerie in my own draw and have told my wife not to look if she doesn't want visuals. She has told me not to feel ashamed about wearing what I need to wear. She has even gone out and bought me women's yoga leggings and shirts. She talks to me about fashion. So most important is to communicate with your wife. By communicating my wife has come to understand and accept me. If you keep everything secret you will not be happy. Your wife may not accept you at all and reject you, but it is probably better than not knowing and always wondering.
Right now I am trying to keep this all between my wife and me. It is all too new. I don't know if I will be able to not have gender dysphoria without transitioning, but right now I don't want to upend my entire life, including my relationships with my grown kids and friends. You must take baby steps in dealing with this. It is a big big conflict.
I hope this helps. Remember on this website, as I have found out, no one really knows you, so take all advice with a large grain of salt. What I say may not even come close to what you need to do. You and your therapist can do that for you. A lot of people on this website will make statements as though they are the absolute truth. Just be careful.
Good luck to you!
