Wednesday come closer!!

[Larisa]

I dont care anymore if it's difficult to talk about that Im a girl inside. I see my therapist this Wednesday and Im telling him now. I just had my dysphoria come up bad a bit ago to where I took a razor to my chest and started to shave all the hair off. I havent had that happen in awhile. I know my t-levels are up and I know it's due to a steroid medicine that I was on recently for a skin rash that Im now off of.

Im not playing around anymore trying to not talk due to the awkwardness of it. This needs to be talked about and it's obvious I want to since this is my 3rd post here about this in the last weeks. To avoid this is not healthy for me to not talk about.

I have to do this and I hope maybe their is a way to help me. Ive done alot to lesson my dysphoria but when the t rises at all, I get messed up no matter what. My proscar hair medicine did keep the t lower than usual and my t-levels were very low to begin with. This is partly how I avoided feeling messed up. The side effect was very helpful. Maybe with the steroid medicine done, things will go way lower again but I know I cant stop it for good. I hope!

Im feeling better now but I realize I have to start talking cause if I dont, it could get ugly somewhere again and worse.

If there are people who think Im horrible or sick for talking and feeling how I do, that is their problem. T is like the worst thing for me and this male body. I have to do something.

[Katy]

I think you have made a wise decision.  Leaving such information out of your conversations with your therapist creates an incomplete and distorted picture of you.  It's like trying a card game without all the required cards in the deck.  To make the sessions valuable for you, you must be forthcoming with your counselor. 

All the best to you. 

[Raell]

I agree with Katy.

[Larisa]

I wrote to a friend and told her and I havent heard a response yet. I dont know what to expect from this all. Im hoping things in the next days get better and also go well with my therapist. I can't do this anymore of playing the boy character all day. Yes I know my hormone levels are acting weird right now but even when they are really low like normal, Im still uncomfortable. Just not nearly as bad.

[JeanetteLW]

  Do It !  Do it ! Do it !

(((Hugs)))

It can only help.

Hugs,
    Jeanette

[Daniellekai]

Yeah, for me it was posting here, and just taking a step back to read what I wrote, being acutely aware of the number of times I'd edit a phrase as I was writing to avoid it looking too "trans" or whatever, just dropping the act after it's been internalized for twenty years is kind of a challenge, I'm sort of dismantling walls as I bump into them on my way out of the closet.

[Larisa]

Never heard back from who I told yesterday so Im a bit nervous to talk again although I know I have to. I dont know if she is shocked or what. Just was kind of a test to see how this all works. Hoping to hear something soon and tomorrow yes makes me nervous so either Ill talk or Ill get all too nervous and not. I am feeling alot better however today but I know I can't keep doing this to myself.

[Larisa]

The one thing that helps me through things is knowing that Im not alone. That there are many other people going through things I go through. To feel not alone is a great feeling.

For part of my life I didnt realize even who I was and so for things to not be a mystery much anymore is a great relief also. Still have not heard from her so ya I dont know what shes thinking. I dont know. It's not easy for me to tell anyone.

[KathyLauren]

Never heard back from who I told yesterday so Im a bit nervous to talk again although I know I have to.

Give it time.  I was worried when I didn't hear back from my brother in 24 hours.  The good folks here said give it time.  Yesterday, after 4 days, he sent me a lovely letter of support.

[Larisa]

Well first she replied and is supportive and she was not surprised either. She kind of thought I was. Everything is good there!

As for my therapist, I was really almost to talk about it and yet did not. I am on my way. Him and me have talked about gender issues before. At the end, he said something to me that makes me think he's suspects. I think part of it is that it's hard for me to talk. I have his number ofcourse and might message him in advance instead so that it's not so hard to talk about right there out of nowhere in person. Maybe that would be better but he needs to know and I need to tell him. Also with telling her, I was worried what she might say so I was afraid to talk now but Im feeling this might go better than I thought. I might send him a message tomorrow or this weekend before next week.

[Chris8080]

I understand fully about having that first discussion with the therapist. I almost had the nervous dribbles, I had a 3 1/2 hour drive to get there and I almost turned around many times. My hands were so sweaty the steering wheel was wet. That first session was 1 1/2 hours and I left there wondering what I was so nervous about. She was so understanding, so easy to talk with I told her things I believed I could never say to anyone. What a relief, what a tremendous load of my mind that finally there was someone I could talk with, someone understanding that really seemed to care about me.