As Laurie said, you're just 9 days away from that crucial appointment. I'm sure you've been enduring your dysphoria for years... what's 9 days in comparison? I know, the closer you get, the further it seems to be, but that may be a good sign because it probably means that, deep inside, you really look forward to it.
You know... I used to feel like you. I've been married for almost 17 years, have two boys (one teenager and one preteen), a respectable job, two parents who are still alive and in good health, and a more than 40 years worth of acquaintances, who have always known me as a man. Sure, I was the sensitive kind of man, who hated sports and sexist jokes, who enjoyed listening to Florence & The Machine rather than to Metallica... but in their eyes I am still a guy. For more than 40 years, almost no one ever suspected of my gender dysphoria. Only I knew about the build-up of discomfort. On the outside, all seemed pretty good: I looked like the perfect man, husband, father, professional... But only me knew about the real, real truth. Here in this forum, we all know how it is to carry this weight... Some people are more resilient than others. Some have perhaps a little less to lose than others with a transition. But it's difficult for everyone. You're not alone.
For a very long time, I self-sacrificed in the name of the ones I love. I mean... How could I impose such a cataclismic change on my dear wife, on my beloved children, on my parents?! "It would for sure kill them!", I thought. So I went to great length to muzzle the woman inside my body. She remained silent. Sometimes, in private, she was able to show her true nature, mostly through feminine clothing, but that was it... An even that brought considerable distress to my marriage, at some points.
Not too long ago, the pressure became so unbearable that I began considering taking my life. The way I saw it, I had little choice... Live as a miserable and sad being, role-playing someone I wasn't, until my very last breath... or simply ending it and at least that would end the suffering. Transition was out of the question, of course. I mean, it probably crossed my mind, but I didn't even consider it seriously.
But you know what? I also really didn't want to die. Life has offered me so many fantastic moments! Why should I prescind of that? Besides, I am positively certain that my death, especially by suicide, would be irrecoverably catastrophic to my loved ones. I tried to put myself in their place (not always an easy exercise, albeit a very important one)... What would I prefer? A miserable husband with whom I would always be fighting because of supposedly unresolved transvestism, or gender issues, or whatever? A dead husband? Or a husband becoming Sarah, a happy and accomplished woman? I felt that the last one would be the best, or at least the lesser evil...
So I accepted who I was. I was and am a woman. And if I'm not mistaken, so are you. End of discussion. The therapist will help you with many issues, but she/he won't make this go away. Nobody can. This woman you see in the mirror is NOT who you've BECOME... It's who you ARE and EVER WERE.
If you take the big step to transition, yes, there are big risks involved. You may risk your wife, your kid, your other family members, your colleagues, your health... you may even risk your job, for god sake! But then, nothing of that is certain and there's also a potential great reward. So it's like almost every important decision in life: on one side, boredom (in this case, also guaranteed misery) + safety, on the other, excitement + risk. And the most excitement you desire (maximal being full time transition plus all the surgeries...), the greater the risk. It's life and you know it as well as anyone else.
Now, the decision is yours. You don't have to take it now. You can even take it gradually, allowing yourself and others time to come to terms with who you really are. And up to a point it's not irrevocable.
Concluding... In my case, what I thought impossible turned out to be possible. My wife, who has always been totally hetero, conservative (but not religious), now accepts me and encourages my transition because she sees how happy I am, how better we function as a family, peacefully, with a love that we didn't express for so many years... My two brave boys totally accepted my transition and are actually proud of my courage. They absolutely love the new joyful Sarah, much more than their sad old dad. My parents are still digesting the news... but I am optimistic. And my sister recently offered me her total support, which was totally astonishing for me.
So yeah... Sometimes we tend to have an excessively pessimistic view of what could happen. We don't even consider that we could be wrong. Love could do wonders. Talking is important... Transparency... Truthfulness...
Was I prepared to lose it all? Yes. It would have been so catastrophic for everyone. Nobody would win... Despite gaining my right to publically come out as a woman, I would lose all the other good things in my life. My wife would lose me... and she knows how much I love her. My kids would lose their most faithful friend and the possibility of growing with someone who cares infinitely for them. But I was prepared. We discussed it. I even talked about moving out of the house... But then my wife understood me. It was a sort of epiphany, I guess. She understood that my path was not really a choice. It was something that I ought to do. It wasn't just a superfluous decision taken out of the search for some sexual or erotic pleasure... No. My path was a VITAL one. And from the moment she said: "I get it, now... And I accept you as you are, as you're gonna be. I love you and will never leave you, no matter what. We are in this together.", oh wow... From that magical moment on, even without hormones, I changed. I was... I don't know how to put it in words, but in comparison with who I was, I've been now permanently feeling like I'm floating in warm clouds, with a permanent sweet vanilla and caramel taste in my mouth, always been caressed by invisible angels... I guess this is my nirvana. [emoji72]
Take home message: DON'T GIVE UP!!! If you do, you will lose for sure. You will lose what "to be alive" is supposed to be. In a sense, you'd give up also on those you love, because if they knew how much suffering you've been enduring, they would possibly be much more accepting than you imagine. Do they know?...
I wish you strength, courage and at least as much happiness as I am now finally feeling!
Big warm hug, Sarah
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