And here I am again.  I write and i write and I write about problems that only I can solve, but desperately needing a friend to hear me out.  As much as I want not to be, I am all alone, in the most bare and raw sense of the word.  My only outlet, here, you, anyone who will read, anyone who will offer pointers, advice, share experiences all to try to assuage my fears and reassure me I am ok.

The last couple days have been...the only way I can explain it is pure and utter despair and a sense of futility.  I am still over a week out from my first therapy session and for some reason, I can't wait to go and get some real validation, to work through these issues and my fears.  The more I work through things on my own, the more I look back at my life and all the signs, the more I get excited about starting my life over being who I feel like I really am inside....the worse I feel.  Weird huh?  I feel worse and worse because I know I can't live that life.  There is just too much I can't lose, too much I would die even more if I did lose. 

At the same time I almost feel like May 12th is my execution date.  I know what the therapist will say.  I have learned so much about myself just in the last week or so since finding this website.  I know the answer that I seek validation for.  I know that I am not convincing myself so I can feel like I belong, I just know, beyond any shadow of any doubt as I sit here writing this...I am a woman.  After all of my doubt, all of my misgivings, I have never been so sure of anything in my life.  I am having trouble even thinking of myself as ever being male now.  A woman who will, for the rest of my miserable existence, be stuck in this disgusting shell, with this disgusting facial hair, with this disgusting genitalia, forced into the role of "provider" and working hard physical labor just so I can "Make them proud of me."  No, I'll continue to get worse, to hate my life but be too afraid to do anything about it.  I'll die a bitter, hateful, spiteful man having unintentionally pushed everyone I love far FAR away from me so they don't have to share in my pain, so I don't drag them under.  Curse my empathy, I wish I didn't care, I wish I had no one to love and nothing to lose. 

To make it worse, I can't even wish things were different anymore, wishing I was born in the correct body because I feel like that is wishing my daughter out of existance and...for the love of all that is good and kind in this world, I love that girl like she came out of me...with every fiber of my being, with every hair I shaved off to try to feel better, the kind of love that is often described as "the way only a mother could love her child"...I can't hurt her by breaking up this family.  Nothing is worth her pain, not even my happiness.  I can't even bring my pathetic, weak willed, insecure and incorrect self to pull the trigger lying before me on the table because the only one I would be killing would be her.  I split with her mom for two months and it nearly destroyed her, she was a wreck even though she still saw me, If I died...it would break her...utterly and completely. 

People say sometimes "I'm a slave to my emotions."  Well, I am a slave to everyone elses.  So, I think it's time I give all of this up.  Give up these thoughts, give up these hopes and dreams, give up this website and all the trans literature I have read, time to cut out my heart and my emotions, grow out the beard and erase any sort of femininity and quite literally "man up."  I'm so sorry to dump all of this on all of you wonderful, courageous and strong women who have had the courage and will to live life as you truly are, but I guess I am another life wasted and it's time for me to start coming to terms with that.

 Ilyria

  I'm afraid I have to disagree with you. It is not time to give up and despair. It's time to get help. Your appointment is only 9 days away. You think you know what he will say and do but I am willing to bet he/she will be able to do more for you than you think. The major thing they can do is work oh that dysphoria the is running rampant through you right now. If you have been reading  on this site for awhile then you know he/she can do something about getting it under control. But you need to be able to go there and talk to him/her honestly and express all of your concerns so they know what issue you are dealing with. They are not just going to hand you  HRT and say goodbye. They treat you, and your dysphoria and if it is warranted they recommend HRT for you.
  You may not decide to transition yet because the time is not right but you can do something to get your issues under  control so you can function and work on finding solutions. But you cannot do it alone. Coming here to Susan's can help but you need therapy. Hold out just nine more days and go to your appointment and see what can be done to help you through this tough time.  Please?

Hugs,
  Laurie

You know Ilyria, you are not atall different from the most of us here.
These thoughts never go away, maybe you only just learned of them, and think you can get past them.
I have been feeling like trash since I was 7, so it definitely takes time to realise that the most important person in the world is first and foremost ourselves.
I too put everyone before me, to have them think I was the best man possible, have them proud of me, it changed nothing, just made things harder and harder. I tried breaking up with my gf many times because I didn't want her to know my problems, or worse to suffer because of them. But she would never leave, and eventually I told her, and she has been the biggest pillar of support I have.
If you truly know you are a woman then you must speak with those you love.
Life is very strange and all these little things have a reason, we must deal with them to learn something. We won't know what till we begin to deal with it.
Please stay here, ther is alot to learn
Hugs, Rachel

Hi Ilyria,

Therapy will help you to break things down into smaller, manageable chunks so you don't get so overwhelmed by the enormity of everything.
Little steps, one day at a time and with the right tools and support in place you'll eventually start to see a way forward for yourself.
Get to that appointment girl, just be honest and open. None of us have time machines that can see into our futures so why dwell on it? We can however work on what's happening today. I suggest a nice treat for taking the first steps, that took a lot of courage.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

As Laurie said, you're just 9 days away from that crucial appointment. I'm sure you've been enduring your dysphoria for years... what's 9 days in comparison? I know, the closer you get, the further it seems to be, but that may be a good sign because it probably means that, deep inside, you really look forward to it.

You know... I used to feel like you. I've been married for almost 17 years, have two boys (one teenager and one preteen), a respectable job, two parents who are still alive and in good health, and a more than 40 years worth of acquaintances, who have always known me as a man. Sure, I was the sensitive kind of man, who hated sports and sexist jokes, who enjoyed listening to Florence & The Machine rather than to Metallica... but in their eyes I am still a guy. For more than 40 years, almost no one ever suspected of my gender dysphoria. Only I knew about the build-up of discomfort. On the outside, all seemed pretty good: I looked like the perfect man, husband, father, professional... But only me knew about the real, real truth. Here in this forum, we all know how it is to carry this weight... Some people are more resilient than others. Some have perhaps a little less to lose than others with a transition. But it's difficult for everyone. You're not alone.

For a very long time, I self-sacrificed in the name of the ones I love. I mean... How could I impose such a cataclismic change on my dear wife, on my beloved children, on my parents?! "It would for sure kill them!", I thought. So I went to great length to muzzle the woman inside my body. She remained silent. Sometimes, in private, she was able to show her true nature, mostly through feminine clothing, but that was it... An even that brought considerable distress to my marriage, at some points.

Not too long ago, the pressure became so unbearable that I began considering taking my life. The way I saw it, I had little choice... Live as a miserable and sad being, role-playing someone I wasn't, until my very last breath... or simply ending it and at least that would end the suffering. Transition was out of the question, of course. I mean, it probably crossed my mind, but I didn't even consider it seriously.

But you know what? I also really didn't want to die. Life has offered me so many fantastic moments! Why should I prescind of that? Besides, I am positively certain that my death, especially by suicide, would be irrecoverably catastrophic to my loved ones. I tried to put myself in their place (not always an easy exercise, albeit a very important one)... What would I prefer? A miserable husband with whom I would always be fighting because of supposedly unresolved transvestism, or gender issues, or whatever? A dead husband? Or a husband becoming Sarah, a happy and accomplished woman? I felt that the last one would be the best, or at least the lesser evil...

So I accepted who I was. I was and am a woman. And if I'm not mistaken, so are you. End of discussion. The therapist will help you with many issues, but she/he won't make this go away. Nobody can. This woman you see in the mirror is NOT who you've BECOME... It's who you ARE and EVER WERE.

If you take the big step to transition, yes, there are big risks involved. You may risk your wife, your kid, your other family members, your colleagues, your health... you may even risk your job, for god sake! But then, nothing of that is certain and there's also a potential great reward. So it's like almost every important decision in life: on one side, boredom (in this case, also guaranteed misery) + safety, on the other, excitement + risk. And the most excitement you desire (maximal being full time transition plus all the surgeries...), the greater the risk. It's life and you know it as well as anyone else.

Now, the decision is yours. You don't have to take it now. You can even take it gradually, allowing yourself and others time to come to terms with who you really are. And up to a point it's not irrevocable.

Concluding... In my case, what I thought impossible turned out to be possible. My wife, who has always been totally hetero, conservative (but not religious), now accepts me and encourages my transition because she sees how happy I am, how better we function as a family, peacefully, with a love that we didn't express for so many years... My two brave boys totally accepted my transition and are actually proud of my courage. They absolutely love the new joyful Sarah, much more than their sad old dad. My parents are still digesting the news... but I am optimistic. And my sister recently offered me her total support, which was totally astonishing for me.

So yeah... Sometimes we tend to have an excessively pessimistic view of what could happen. We don't even consider that we could be wrong. Love could do wonders. Talking is important... Transparency... Truthfulness...

Was I prepared to lose it all? Yes. It would have been so catastrophic for everyone. Nobody would win... Despite gaining my right to publically come out as a woman, I would lose all the other good things in my life. My wife would lose me... and she knows how much I love her. My kids would lose their most faithful friend and the possibility of growing with someone who cares infinitely for them. But I was prepared. We discussed it. I even talked about moving out of the house... But then my wife understood me. It was a sort of epiphany, I guess. She understood that my path was not really a choice. It was something that I ought to do. It wasn't just a superfluous decision taken out of the search for some sexual or erotic pleasure... No. My path was a VITAL one. And from the moment she said: "I get it, now... And I accept you as you are, as you're gonna be. I love you and will never leave you, no matter what. We are in this together.", oh wow... From that magical moment on, even without hormones, I changed. I was... I don't know how to put it in words, but in comparison with who I was, I've been now permanently feeling like I'm floating in warm clouds, with a permanent sweet vanilla and caramel taste in my mouth, always been caressed by invisible angels... I guess this is my nirvana. [emoji72]

Take home message: DON'T GIVE UP!!! If you do, you will lose for sure. You will lose what "to be alive" is supposed to be. In a sense, you'd give up also on those you love, because if they knew how much suffering you've been enduring, they would possibly be much more accepting than you imagine. Do they know?...

I wish you strength, courage and at least as much happiness as I am now finally feeling!

Big warm hug, Sarah

Sent from my SM-T810 using Tapatalk

Ilyria,

We are here with you.

It's natural to be afraid. The future is unknown. The past can't be changed. All you have is the present. That's all anyone has.

From what you write, the present you now are in feels untenable, and that is why you're going to see a counselor in nine days. If you feel apprehensive about taking that step, I do understand.

As others have said, a counselor's function is to help sort out things that you feel are so formidable that you don't know how to handle them alone. A toothache doesn't go away by itself until the tooth dies. Going to a dentist may hurt, but it's better than losing the tooth. What you're facing now carries much more importance than that.

Comparisons and personal anecdotes are not really useful, but I do know there are many on this forum who will know how you feel and will stand by you. I think I can safely say that it is as a place where you will be listened to and understood.

What I do know from your words is that you want to make those you love happy. I do think that when one wants to carve something beautiful, taking care of of the tools is a good first step. A sharp chisel is easier to use and much less likely to slip than a dull and neglected one.

Do take good care of yourself.

I,m only 4 days away from my first appointment & I,m bricking it, all already told my doctor how I feel but was brief but can't stop worrying about it can't eat or sleep.

There is no such thing as "man up" for those of us. I've heard your fears. I went through a time much like yours, and all my fears over my transition drove me to stop HRT after 4 years at low dosage.
   I tried living as a male until finally, after another 13 years I came out to my own doctor. He'd put me on testosterone injections due to a distinct absence of.
DUUUUHHH!
   And stupid me, I went along with it. After 3 weeks of 'roid rages and "excessive auto-libidinous manual misbehavior", I told my MD that "little fact I'd left out"; that I had been on conjugated estrogen therapy for gender dysphoria, and that I had simply given up years before on ever changing me.
   My 4 children were not all on board. One was adamantly opposed and I used his fears as an excuse for my own. I hesitated and then failed myself.
   Now, after making a decision to go on with my life, despite what others might think of me and my choices, I am living fully as a woman for 3 years, openly and outwardly. I am identified by my 2nd as a woman, and in all of my VA records. I have initiated the name change process and have been using my female name for quite some time.
   I have found what I need to do to initiate my birth certificate gender change after my name change goes through(cheaper when done together).
   And I am finally getting my insurance together for my operations. Since I have Medicare, an Advantage type policy will help.
   I had to decide that although this would take time (starting in 1994) until now, I was going to be a happy 61 years old instead of an unhappy person at any age.
   I think that all of us tg women suffer from depression in one form or another, to some degree or another. But only you can make a change like the ones you need to make if you want to progress in your life.
   One last thing; we are all out here, just like you. And we all have many of the same kinds of difficulties. Just hang in there. And if change is what you really and truly want, you will work that out.
   I have faith in you to be able to do that.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

I think it gets better, although i know that is hard to see in the beginning. I'd definitely continue to pursue therapy no matter what you decide on expressing your gender. The truth is there are many, many trans women that have great lives who do not have the best body and looks, economic prospects, social acceptance etc. But, i think at some point you may surprise yourself and feel like it is all truly worth it.

There is a quiet and positive "peace" to living as your authentic self. It leads to new challenges of course but you always have that peace.

Please don't give up on yourself.

I felt similar when finally coming to terms with myself. I had a dark time after coming out to my wife where I was in such a state of dispair. I called one therapists phone number after a another. Finally one called me back and got me an appointment within days. I do not know how I would have continued without getting into therapy. Everyone here helped but some things are best handled with a therapist who can guide you to the right questions to ask yourself.

The feelings you are dealing with do not go away. You are who you are. You cannot ignor what makes you, you. "Manning Up" will only make the internal conflict worse. If you are of female mind, forcing yourself to act male will always be fake.

Please work with your therapist. Work through your feelings and memories. Find your own place of inner peace.

Quote from: Ilyria on May 04, 2017, 01:27:35 AM
And here I am again.  I write and i write and I write about problems that only I can solve, but desperately needing a friend to hear me out.  As much as I want not to be, I am all alone, in the most bare and raw sense of the word.  My only outlet, here, you, anyone who will read, anyone who will offer pointers, advice, share experiences all to try to assuage my fears and reassure me I am ok.

The last couple days have been...the only way I can explain it is pure and utter despair and a sense of futility.  I am still over a week out from my first therapy session and for some reason, I can't wait to go and get some real validation, to work through these issues and my fears.  The more I work through things on my own, the more I look back at my life and all the signs, the more I get excited about starting my life over being who I feel like I really am inside....the worse I feel.  Weird huh?  I feel worse and worse because I know I can't live that life.  There is just too much I can't lose, too much I would die even more if I did lose. 

At the same time I almost feel like May 12th is my execution date.  I know what the therapist will say.  I have learned so much about myself just in the last week or so since finding this website.  I know the answer that I seek validation for.  I know that I am not convincing myself so I can feel like I belong, I just know, beyond any shadow of any doubt as I sit here writing this...I am a woman.  After all of my doubt, all of my misgivings, I have never been so sure of anything in my life.  I am having trouble even thinking of myself as ever being male now.  A woman who will, for the rest of my miserable existence, be stuck in this disgusting shell, with this disgusting facial hair, with this disgusting genitalia, forced into the role of "provider" and working hard physical labor just so I can "Make them proud of me."  No, I'll continue to get worse, to hate my life but be too afraid to do anything about it.  I'll die a bitter, hateful, spiteful man having unintentionally pushed everyone I love far FAR away from me so they don't have to share in my pain, so I don't drag them under.  Curse my empathy, I wish I didn't care, I wish I had no one to love and nothing to lose. 

To make it worse, I can't even wish things were different anymore, wishing I was born in the correct body because I feel like that is wishing my daughter out of existance and...for the love of all that is good and kind in this world, I love that girl like she came out of me...with every fiber of my being, with every hair I shaved off to try to feel better, the kind of love that is often described as "the way only a mother could love her child"...I can't hurt her by breaking up this family.  Nothing is worth her pain, not even my happiness.  I can't even bring my pathetic, weak willed, insecure and incorrect self to pull the trigger lying before me on the table because the only one I would be killing would be her.  I split with her mom for two months and it nearly destroyed her, she was a wreck even though she still saw me, If I died...it would break her...utterly and completely. 

People say sometimes "I'm a slave to my emotions."  Well, I am a slave to everyone elses.  So, I think it's time I give all of this up.  Give up these thoughts, give up these hopes and dreams, give up this website and all the trans literature I have read, time to cut out my heart and my emotions, grow out the beard and erase any sort of femininity and quite literally "man up."  I'm so sorry to dump all of this on all of you wonderful, courageous and strong women who have had the courage and will to live life as you truly are, but I guess I am another life wasted and it's time for me to start coming to terms with that.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Two nights ago when I wrote this first post, I was sitting alone in my office long after they had gone to bed intending on walking to the parking lot of the little shopping center about a half a mile away, putting my gun to my head and making sure the mess wasn't in the house to clean up.  I was there, in the parking lot, in the corner with the broken street light, sitting on the curb and I was emotionless.  No crying, no worry, no happiness, no sadness, I was resigned and willing.  I was looking at my arm which my daughter (only 5) had drawn 3 faces on.  Simple faces, little circle eyes and a single line for the mouth.  One happy face, I hated it right then.  One surprised face, which replaced the mouth line with a circle as well, I laughed and teared up.  And one sad face.  Two little circles with a downturned line.  Then came the voice.  A voice from inside. That's when I started bawling like a baby and came back here to write the first post.  A combination of sadness, despair, fear, horror and complete resignation to live unhappily.

Something's wrong.  Yesterday I was so cold inside, I cried about 20 times.  I couldn't smile, my girls definitely knew something was wrong.  They asked what was wrong multiple times, I dismissed it, said I don't know, I just feel dead inside.  I tried to stay away from the website, I fully intended on this being my last post.  A Post and Go as said in another thread.  I intended on cancelling my therapy session and just...trudging through the murk of manhood forever.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?  I can't DO this! I can't BE this!  I can't live this life!  Why can't I just do what I need to and throw away these panties and these couple girly scented things I bought just to make me feel better???  Why am I trapped here?  I don't want this!  I don't want to hear a therapist tell me things that will only make my life harder.  The one day that is supposed to be family dance night, I ruin because I couldn't stop crying. 

I am going to try again not to come back here, try again to cancel my appointment, try again to accept my reality.  Thank you all for trying to help me, but I can't be helped, this is something I can't keep on with, it will destroy me.

QuoteI am going to try again not to come back here, try again to cancel my appointment, try again to accept my reality.  Thank you all for trying to help me, but I can't be helped, this is something I can't keep on with, it will destroy me.

You should try it before you say that. You know what, just think of it as a learning experience. Personally speaking, even hypothetically taking transition off the table ...I'm curious as to what Gender Clinics do. Surely you are as well? Knowledge is power. All you're doing now is increasing your knowledge about yourself. You're not committing to treatment just by telling your story the way you did here, and  hearing them out.

Quote from: Ilyria on May 05, 2017, 08:31:39 AM


I am going to try again not to come back here, try again to cancel my appointment, try again to accept my reality.  Thank you all for trying to help me, but I can't be helped, this is something I can't keep on with, it will destroy me.

I said that a few months ago myself... you will be back, they always come back. And the door will be open, the kettle will be on and we will have a warm spot for ya on the sofa!

Whatever you choose to do we support you, but in all honesty, once you open the trans* door it is virtiually impossible to close. Embrace this side of you and life will in fact get better in time

Quote from: Ilyria on May 05, 2017, 08:31:39 AM
Something's wrong.  Yesterday I was so cold inside, I cried about 20 times.  I couldn't smile, my girls definitely knew something was wrong.  They asked what was wrong multiple times, I dismissed it, said I don't know, I just feel dead inside.  I tried to stay away from the website, I fully intended on this being my last post.  A Post and Go as said in another thread.  I intended on cancelling my therapy session and just...trudging through the murk of manhood forever.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?  I can't DO this! I can't BE this!  I can't live this life!  Why can't I just do what I need to and throw away these panties and these couple girly scented things I bought just to make me feel better???  Why am I trapped here?  I don't want this!  I don't want to hear a therapist tell me things that will only make my life harder.  The one day that is supposed to be family dance night, I ruin because I couldn't stop crying. 

I am going to try again not to come back here, try again to cancel my appointment, try again to accept my reality.  Thank you all for trying to help me, but I can't be helped, this is something I can't keep on with, it will destroy me.

Ilyria, in March of 2016 I was in the same place you are.  I didn't know what to do.  I had a secret from my family that was tearing me apart.  I was crying, and barely functioning.  I almost ended myself, but I thought to reach out one last time if only to say goodbye, and called a help line.

I faced that therapist.  I told my story.  And suddenly I was not alone any more, and there was hope.

Yes, this was hard for me, and rough on those that I loved, but I wasn't trapped for eternity any more.  I gradually improved under care, and started healing. Yes, my life changed, and there are bits of my old life that I miss, but the past 6 months have overall been the happiest 6 months of my adult life.  I still have some rough patches and the occasional sleepless night, but I know I am doing better now.

I'm a better person for doing this, and my family sees that.  Not everyone accepts this change, but they do acknowledge that I am better off this way.

Don't cancel the appointment.  See the therapist. All the therapist will to is help you think more clearly about your situation, and help you determine what you really should do.  All your alternatives are still out there.  You'll just be able to make a better choice for yourself and your family.

Life really can get better.   We can't see that in the depths of depression, but there really is a way out of this.  The therapist will help you to find your path.

There is nothing wrong with you other than you are avoiding dealing with a problem. Far to many of us take the path you are attempting to take by avoiding the issue. Yes I am guilty as charged for doing the same thing. At this point, you have only one option for a happy life and that is to keep you therapy appointment and any additional ones that are required after that. It might take a few months but there is a way to be happy and a therapist will help you find it. Take a break from the site if you need to but we will be here for you when you come back.

Quote from: Ilyria on May 05, 2017, 08:31:39 AM
this is something I can't keep on with, it will destroy me.

I think what's destroying you is your unwillingness to face it. But I understand, it's difficult.

We'll be here if you decide to comeback, hugs!!

One thing has has at the very least helped me know that suicide is not an option is my kids. No matter how bad you feel, no matter how much you want to just find the end, your kids deserve more than that from you. Loosing you would destroy your little girls life. She deserves to have you, and to have a healthy you.

You can leave here, try to just man up, but do not skip seeing a therapist. The fact that you feel so low to consider suicide is enough to prove to yourself you need a good counselor.