I'm much earlier in my transition than you but I've been going through a lot of these same moments. I was cleaning out a storage cabinet we have in the basement and came a across a time capsule that we put together on our honeymoon. We were planning to open it on our 25th wedding anniversary only now it looks like we may not make it that far. I started thinking back on all of what were happy memories that are now triggers for sadness and pain. I've also been finding pictures, clothes and other items that remind me of a lot of good times I had in the past. And yes, I too find the evidence of how the dysphoria affected me. I did the opposite of you though. Rather than go metrosexual, I did everything I could to look, act and talk as manly as possible.
Much like you, in those moments I have to think about the pain that was deep inside. The struggles over 39 years that drove me to some extreme behaviors and depression which ultimately culminated in me finally admitting to myself that I might be transgender. Realizing that if I had kept on that path, I too was probably not likely to survive another five years. The crossroads was a choice of either finally living as me or a path that led to me ending it all.
