I decided that it might be a good idea to look for old photos of me on facebook and places to put them in one place for my child to see one day. Well I started and this immense sadness came over me. As I kept on looking at this photos I remember all the places where I was. I see what a handsome man I actually was. I see my attempts to cope with dypshoria in my appearance. How I went metrosexual.

It all brought back a sadness of that he is gone now. For me it is a joy to see the woman that I am in the mirror. But a sadness to see the man that I could not be because he was a person that so many people loved. It is like looking at someones pictures that died and you lost close to you. I did love him. I wonder how things would have been if I did not put an end to him. Well dysphoria would have became worse but I wonder if there was a chance I could cope with it and cross dress or something. I can't live in denial I won't go back to being a man it is just that I wonder what would have been. The truth I would have probably went into deeper depression bouts and killed myself eventually I guess.

I'm much earlier in my transition than you but I've been going through a lot of these same moments. I was cleaning out a storage cabinet we have in the basement and came a across a time capsule that we put together on our honeymoon.  We were planning to open it on our 25th wedding anniversary only now it looks like we may not make it that far.  I started thinking back on all of what were happy memories that are now triggers for sadness and pain.  I've also been finding pictures, clothes and other items that remind me of a lot of good times I had in the past.  And yes, I too find the evidence of how the dysphoria affected me.  I did the opposite of you though.  Rather than go metrosexual, I did everything I could to look, act and talk as manly as possible. 

Much like you, in those moments I have to think about the pain that was deep inside.  The struggles over 39 years that drove me to some extreme behaviors and depression which ultimately culminated in me finally admitting to myself that I might be transgender.   Realizing that if I had kept on that path, I too was probably not likely to survive another five years.  The crossroads was a choice of either finally living as me or a path that led to me ending it all.

Quote from: Amoré on May 05, 2017, 05:16:55 AM

I wonder how things would have been if I did not put an end to him.

Simple. If you didnt put and end to him he would have put an end to you.

Head up girl <3

I have just one photo of myself, pre-transition. It's a polaroid of me in colors, from when I was a member of the Guardian Angels. It is in a photo album, well hidden.
It is a reminder of perhaps the most manly I ever was, even tho I just looked like a flat-chested chick.

I deleted most photos of myself that I had but realized my mistake. I was not trying to hide him from anyone but myself. People loved the man I used to be and they want to have photos of him around. I can't make them change their mind and love my female self more. So I scraped up all the pics I could get off facebook for save keeping. I hope my daughter appreciate them one day.

I have never been one to get my picture taken, usually I have behind the camera taking the picture. I should probably start taking more pictures. With all that is on my mind, this was something I never really thought of, thanks for the idea.

I was on a mission to erase all evidence that the male me existed but I realize you can't deny that he did. So I embrace him in getting me where I am today and celibate him.