My First of MANY Steps

[Dena]

Before you take the witness stand again, you need to do your homework. You could be a member of the non binary. In the non binary, you might not have a clearly defined gender identity or it's even possible to switch from one identity to another depending on the phase of the moon or whatever. Try taking a look at the non binary section and our WIKI . ->-bleeped-<- is far more than transsexualism though somebody who is transsexual is transgender.

[Erika_Courtney]

Moving onto your therapist, they're either extremely bad at their job or extremely good!

I would describe them as bad, but I they did tell me what I wanted to hear, which only time will tell if it is the truth. I ma trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, I am meeting with them again in a week. Maybe we are going to talk about things more.

Your confusion and wonderment is fine... not that you don't want to make things better or more resolved, but don't be so hard on yourself for being human.

Thanks Ashley, I looked up the work wonderment, I have never heard anybody use it before, it is a cool word.

I cannot imagine a therapist in my own experience telling me the answer to my transgender status at any time much less the answer of "no" within my first session for the apparently superficial reasons you outlined... seems odd... but I wasn't there... be curious to see what others say.

I think my wife paid my therapist off =) of course I'm kidding.

You don't have to secretly wear panties, for example, to validate your female nature when you are in guy mode.

I tried panties on recently, not a fun experience. Maybe I would try them on backwards, but never forwards again.

Right now, it seems like you are grappling with both repression

I have a 15 period of my life that I refer to the Dark Ages, I won't talk about it end of story. With the exception of my wife I have told her three stories and my therapist three stories, from that time period. That is also why I am going back for more sessions, so I can tell more of my story.

wife thinks it's always a "guy mode" vs "bottom surgery" sort of dilemma which is so not the case. Discussing hidden gender issues openly and respectfully can often be a relationship-enhancing thing... in my opinion, therapy should be getting you to understand the possibilities and fostering healthy discussion with you and between you and your wife etc. )

To my wife I either want to be a guy or have a vagina. I tried talking with her about the mental side, that is just an excuses for men to wear dresses. This kind of comment is completely out of her character. We were out together one night and met up with a couple of her homosexual friends. These guys start hitting on her and she like I'm with my boyfriend and friends, and they were like these gay (they didn't use such a tame word) guys aren't your boyfriend. She told them leave us alone or she will have call the cops. Her friend is the cop that's on duty. They leave us alone for the rest of the night.

All Friday I though if the therapist agrees, I'm transgender, how do I go home and tell her this. I'm going to have to hide it until the next appointment. That ended up not being an issue.

Continuing... What I'm saying is... you are the one trying to be truthful here... that is not a bad thing. You're not going around saying "I'm a woman, I'm a woman" or "I want HRT, I want HRT."

Seriously, if I wanted HRT, I just have to drive two hours to a really high rated Informed Consent clinic. I did not tell my therapist that. I did say however, this isn't about hormones, I am just concerned when I look at how I feel there is so some serious behavior that is not typical male behavior. 

Not that there would be anything wrong with that depending on the context, but I'm saying you seem to be trying to be very slow, careful, wise about each step you take. I don't sense a rash desire to hastily jump in some direction. I'm not completely certain but I wonder if you are attempting to try to learn more through discussing things with others, such as with your wife and therapist, where you get some response and it seems to bottle you up... I can't be certain, but I wonder about that possibility.

It is kind of ironic, I finally find something I want to talk about and then my wife doesn't want to talk anymore. My wife from that faithful week has been if you don't mentioned it we consider it fully resolved end of story. To me that is just hiding from the truth. Maybe the truth is that I am a little nutty and my trauma created a reality that I would be okay being a woman. Just because I appear physically different does not change who I am.  I told my therapist I look in the mirror to comb my hair that is for less then a minute twice a day and that is it. I don't put much value on outside looks, I have met to many beautiful people on the outside that were ugly on the inside.

Thank for these ideas

• You may ask your wife you if she would mind during intimacy if you could be in a feminine role with her. This can allow a couple to explore gender roles within the safe mutually supportive environment of intimacy. You may discover that is all you want, and the rest of the time you want to be in guy mode.
  

It is an interesting idea. Not even going to ask my wife about this because, our relationship is going to remain she's the woman and I am the man.

[/li]
• You may discover you are trans but want to live mostly in guy mode with minor nuanced changes that are compatible with your wife. This is fine!

As long as that does not include the Hallmark Channel movies, I like that one.

• You may discover you are not trans but wish to cross-dress at some frequency, often or only occasionally, and you wish to do that either with your wife or privately. You don't have to be trans to cross dress. This is fine!

My wife has made if very clear she never wants to see me in a dress. That is what private time is for =).

• You may decide to get hair removal, love it, but not want to do more. You may find your wife is fine with that. You may find you are not a trans-woman but just like to be somewhat feminine some or all the time, perhaps in a way fully compatible with your wife. This is fine!

When I first grew facial hair, I was so excited, now I am sick and tried of facial hair. I have 5 o clock shadow at 8:00 AM. 

• You may see that you are not trans, don't want to cross dress, and have fully resolved this issue. That is fine!

That would be like hitting the Powerball =)

• You may discover that you are very trans-feminine but your wife means so much to you, and it's a deal-breaker for her, so you decide to live a compromise that is not perfect but ultimately worth it to you. While we often hear this just doesn't work, that's not really accurate... there are no rules... you define how you will live. Don't let stereotypes define you. There may be helpful guiding archetypes but be a leader of who you are. This is fine!

I mean, there are a zillion forms of transition. All you're doing is asking simple questions. I don't really agree with the therapist's quick assessment but I also wasn't there... but the thing is, that sort of diagnosis doesn't seem to let you feel comfortable with any outcome.

The worse thing about the diagnosis is what my wife wanted to hear. If took away the need for a serious sit down talk about me and how those things my wife wants buried in my mind, make me feel. Maybe I hit the Powerball and the therapist pulled the idea out of my head and it will never bother me again. Even two days later, I am seeing the world in my old way. I see a woman, I don't she her shirt, I see is she physically attractive or not and my eyes move on. I walked through the ladies clothes section, I just pasted through without any thoughts on the style and color of the clothes. I touch my wife and instead of thinking how soft her skin is, I am focused on the upcoming intimacy.

Regarding apperances... most everyone I've heard from on this, including myself, has started off totally in disbelief that they can progress to a point of looking good in "that dress." I started at 225lbs with hair and a huge man nose... I dropped down to 170lbs (a bit higher now ), got full hair removal, and a rhinoplasty as my first procedures... each step was a move forward in both mental and physical health. I continued.

To be honest, I was confused when I first stated talking with you, I know you mentioned transition, but I thought you were going female to male. Wow your transformation was very impressive, I find it hard to believe that you were ever a male from your picture.
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[Ashley3]

Thanks Ashley, I looked up the work wonderment, I have never heard anybody use it before, it is a cool word.

I do the same thing, look up words... even the one's I think I know just to make sure. Guess what? I looked up 'wonderment' just now to double-check and the first definition I saw in web results was not what I expected but then Merriam-Webster's site had the right one... I meant either "a cause of or occasion for wonder" or "curiosity about something" and not really the "astonishment, surprise" definition... to me, astonishment and surprise happens when you get answers stemming from wonderment-based action. LoL

I think my wife paid my therapist off =) of course I'm kidding.

I have a 15 period of my life that I refer to the Dark Ages, I won't talk about it end of story. With the exception of my wife I have told her three stories and my therapist three stories, from that time period. That is also why I am going back for more sessions, so I can tell more of my story.

I think it's wonderful you are discussing that in therapy!

...It is kind of ironic, I finally find something I want to talk about and then my wife doesn't want to talk anymore. My wife from that faithful week has been if you don't mentioned it we consider it fully resolved end of story. To me that is just hiding from the truth....

Life is full of such ironies.

... Not even going to ask my wife about this because, our relationship is going to remain she's the woman and I am the man. ...

If you find it workable, that is a valid way of handling things.

... Maybe I hit the Powerball and the therapist pulled the idea out of my head and it will never bother me again. Even two days later, I am seeing the world in my old way. I see a woman, I don't she her shirt, I see is she physically attractive or not and my eyes move on. I walked through the ladies clothes section, I just pasted through without any thoughts on the style and color of the clothes. I touch my wife and instead of thinking how soft her skin is, I am focused on the upcoming intimacy. ...

Nobody can tell you other than yourself. Even though so many transgender individuals go through similar phases due to repression, it does not mean there are many (perhaps we don't hear from them because they don't have the courage you do, not sure)... perhaps there are many others who find resolution in the way you mention. I think you'll know over time... I think the most important thing is not to be too hard on yourself... being too hard on yourself can be a repressive factor.

I think it's good to keep in mind that having feelings and talking about them in therapy is healthy... just because a feeling arises that others might not understand, or laugh at, or you were taught is silly or something, doesn't mean it's true.

You are who you are so if you have a feeling or thought, I sort of think it's your best instrument (your life) giving you great information. I like to remember that myself... no matter the pain, fear, or happiness of a feeling, it is conveying something, it means something... maybe not a clearly logical thing, but our lives do inform us all the time... I've just needed to learn to listen better.

To be honest, I was confused when I first stated talking with you, I know you mentioned transition, but I thought you were going female to male. Wow your transformation was very impressive, I find it hard to believe that you were ever a male from your picture.

Okay, the check is in the mail... LoL ... really, I get what you're saying and that is a lovely compliment... thank you!

Cheers,
Ashley

[Erika_Courtney]

My break from soul searching this weekend has not gone well. Changing therapy isn't an option, then my wife will wonder why all of sudden this therapist isn't good enough. I feel like she is a check the boxes therapist. My wife and I finally got a chance to talk on Saturday. I was honest with her and said that I mentioned the T word. I have been banned from saying the word transgender in the house. She asked how the conversation went and I told her the questions they asked, she asked what the therapist thought and I said she does not think I am the T word. I said she knew I was going to talk about it, because even though I said it wasn't on my mind, I have been acting differently ever since that night. She then said that she her husband finally came home. I still have issues to work on and since I have been more honest with myself I see those have some roots in my gender indentity. I will be going back in another week and half  for my next appointment.



Just a random thought I have these sad times, they randomly come and go, as randomly has I feel sad, I start feeling normal again. I struggle are those random sad times disphobia?

Before you take the witness stand again, you need to do your homework.

Still a lot going on in my mind and Dena I have a few tricks up my sleeves, if I ever get put on the witness stand again.


I got outside this weekend and went to a MLB game, it was nice to have a day to myself. I also had the best thought, I don't want to spend my entire life just trying to figure out where I fit in. I remember something that I use to think of all the time in high school when I wonder who was I? The answer is simple I am ME. I might be transgender, I might be Non-Binary, I might be a hairless cat that lost its tail, all I know for certain is that I am ME. I am going to enjoy life and hopefully before my time is up I will figure it out and thanks to people like you all I know where I fit in, right here.

[Jacqueline]

Not to take away from your experience. This sounds like classic dysphoria. The coming and going at odd times. See Sawing or as I used to call it "Yo-Yoing".

I have to run and you have some great folks supporting you. Just thought I would throw a couple pennies in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Erika_Courtney]

My Official Announcement I am Transgender!

I had been really enjoying life since my therapist told me I wasn't transgender. That came crashing down on Wednesday, I was starring at a woman's breast and she caught me looking, she smiled and laughed, I smiled back and we keep walking in different directions. I said to myself, I love being a guy and the enjoyment I get from starring at women's breast. There is one major problem with that statement, I never enjoyed starring at women's breast, I always focused my attention on another part. I realized I was staring to fake this whole guy thing again. I had not been on the board in a couple of days, so I stopped by and I think this board may be a trigger for me or it makes me confront myself. I just struggle with seeing myself as a woman, I like being a guy 95% of the time, I asked this question on the board it people miss anything about being guy, most of the responses were no. I look in the mirror and see my body hair and male parts and I have no problems with that image. I would miss a lot of thing if I wasn't a guy tomorrow morning. I don't like to carry boxes of copy paper, but it strokes my ego when my co workers ask for my help. I'm seen as the guy around work, this could be because I am the only guy in the office, but I like being seen as the guy. It's just when I look in my head that I start to struggle. I know there is girl in there, but the people closest to me say I am just imagining it. I go back to the first time I said I was transgender, there is something in my head trying to point me in the female direction, but my testosterone is pointing me in the male direction. I guess it would be a lot easier to understand if I had some burning desire to present physically as a female. Maybe I would look decent, I am curious about how I would look, but I have had multiple chances to wear a wig, breast forms, and dress head to toe in women clothes and makeup and pass on it each time. I am also fortunate that my dysphoria is mild. Maybe as if changes, my response will also need to change as well. At this point I figure trying to explain this to anyone close to me is pointless.Today is the start of my transition. I don't see it ending with sex reassignment surgery, I have been seriously researching hormone replacement, temporary dose and low dose, no plan to self medicate, there is an informed consent clinic two hours or so away. I am not sure the mental benefits, out weight the physical change potential. It is one thing to sit here thinking on testosterone, that I will stop at mental benefits, but what happens as the physical changes pile up, I will be running on estrogen.  Not to mention the minute I start taking estrogen my wife will be on to me, there is no way to explain away any physical changes, my wife is in the medical profession. It has been a busy of days few days and really late nights.

Why make a public statement? I could pass through life and nobody would think I am any different then a cis male. I want to welcome the girl part of me into my life, I want her to share my life and not just do the guys things I enjoy, but do the girly things she enjoys. I hope by making her feel a part of my life, we can be a better person, I can eliminate that 5% of me I don't like. So today I gave into one desire that I have had for years and that was to paint my nails. I went to Wal-Mart and bought what I thought was purple nail polish, it turned out to be blue. I was so nervous, I was pretending to talk on my phone getting instruction on what type to buy. When I was putting on the polish, I was so excited and I felt I was doing something so wrong that you would have thought I was robbing a bank. I then spent the next 5 minutes starring at my beautiful toes, in my mind they were beautiful. I then went about my day as normal, since I am wearing socks, nobody even knows. I am not sure how I was suppose to feel, but I just felt normal, my toes did not burn, I did not feel uncomfortable, I just felt normal. This is just the first of many girly things that I am going to finally enjoy that have always been going through my head. I always liked bright colored clothes, but thought they were to girly looking so I just wore dark guy looking colors. I can see how I have been running from this girl part of me all my life. I am not ashamed of my girly side anymore, I am ready to embrace her.




Acknowledgement, according to my therapist and wife, I am not transgender because I don't want a vagina. I think the members of this board are better suited to give an opinion on whether someone is on the transgender spectrum, then a box checker therapist. 

[Charlie Nicki]

"Not wanting a vagina" isn't a signal of not being transgender, pardon me but this therapist sounds like an idiot. Ok I don't want to be too harsh, let's just say they're definitely untrained to deal with transgender people.

Being transgender means you want to express or live as a different gender than the one you were assigned at birth, and what that means for each person is completely different. There's trans people who don't like their genitals, there's some that don't care for them, there's some who love them, there's a lot of girls that don't want SRS and they're as transgender as the ones who do get it.

You're completely right, there's a trans spectrum and you just need to find out where you are in it and what you want to do about it. I would advice you to get a therapist who actually knows what they're talking about though.

[Erika_Courtney]

"Ok I  I would advice you to get a therapist who actually knows what they're talking about though.

Unfortunately this is the closet therapist although they came highly recommended, I did not have the highest opinion of them after my second appointment. I was kind of surprised they wanted to schedule me for another visit. They do not lack for business, as getting into to see them the first time was weeks from my call and any follow appointments are nearly two weeks out. After my last appointment yesterday, things make a little more sense. Before I told them I was transgender, I already said that if this true, my wife is planning on leaving me. I think my therapist goal is to not directly address the dysphoria, but help me manage the dysphoria.


I had another therapy appointment yesterday and it went really well. They asked a lot of question about my physical body, all along the lines of do you like this part or not. The answers were pretty much all a simple yes. When they were done asking question, I said really comes down to my head. I explained that in life, I feel like I have always played a role, like an actor. My current role is husband and father, when I met the woman who would become my wife, I projected to her the image of a man, a person who would protect her and her children. This is how I see my whole life, like really big play, but unlike the Hallmark Channel there are not a lot of happy endings. I have played the roles of athlete, son, student, friend, husband and father, but I sometimes wonder who am I? In my current role, I don't feel authentic, I just react to how a guy is suppose to react. As a teenager, I was playing the role of a son, the family legacy as my parents sometimes called me. There is a right way to play every role, follow the rules at home and get good grades in school, to be a good son, protect your family to be a good husband.I do know that being a guy is really easy. People have a low expectation for you, you can be presentable in 15 minutes, clothes just have one shirt and one pair of pants on, you only have to shave your face, even that is optional, you don't have to emotional, lack of emotion is considered normal and so may other things. I am really good at the lack of emotion part, I want to feel more emotions, but whenever I go to access them, I get a blank other then happiness or anger. I went on to explain, that part of being anger is the inability to express how I truly feel. I want to be sad and cry, I just can't force them out. I know the emotion is in their, I just can't express it. I get frustrated and that only increases my anger. I know if I don't get this anger thing under control, it is going to cost me my marriage. I want to change, but I feel this fighting back inside my head. The actor is trying to balance all this. I want to open up and tell my wife, but at this point, I am afraid to open up and show anything else to my wife. Especially since that night I came out to her, we have barely talked since. My therapist said lets first explore those feeling together, then why don't you have your wife come to an appointment, and the three of us will talk and I said I would like that.


After I got home I took a walk, to clear my head. I really felt that the appointment went well. I felt I was able to get my point across. Even before the appointment the last three days had been very liberating. I went shopping and picked up some new shirts, bright colors, that in the past I would have never admitted to wanting to wear. I realize I am happy now, but am I going in the right direction with my life. I see a girl in my head, just not on the outside.


As the night turned to early morning, I had dreamed and gendered myself female. The dream validated I was heading in the right direction, I am transgender and deep inside part of me is a woman.


Within 12 hours, I felt that my therapist listened to my feeling and understands that something is there and my mind has validated me by gendering me female in a dream.

[Erika_Courtney]

I had a fight with my wife last night. She was upset because the shower was clogged and said if you won't fix it, call a plumber. I explained I removed the hair that was clogging it a few weeks ago, and she was like well it's clogged again. I am sorry, I must be shedding, guys have lot of body hair, if you would like I will shave it? She responded if I don't have to take a bath in the shower, then go ahead. I instantly realized how often does a fight offer such a golden opportunity. She went to bed and I went to work and did some body shaving before she changed her mind. I keep it simple for this first time, I left my legs and arms untouched. It kind of feels weird to not have any chest or armpit hair, I also swear my man breast looked bigger this morning than yesterday, maybe it is just that there is no hair to cover them up. Their size has come up in discuss before and my wife claims, I would not fit a training bra.


Every since my dream Tuesday Morning, it has been a crappy week. I have been having a dysphoria spell and have only been managing to get a few hours of sleep in each night. I have had tons of thoughts going through my mind. Sorry SailorMars you picked a bad week to ask me a question. I hope I answered your questions and probably more then you bargained for.

[AnneK]

Just a suggestion, if hair clogging the drain is a problem, you can get a drain filter to catch the hair.
https://www.google.ca/search?q=drain+filter&ie=UTF-8&gws_rd=cr&ei=N2AxWb74C-uKjwSP2KOIDA

[Erika_Courtney]

After my last post it hit me, I have been so busy focusing on myself that I had been neglecting my wife. Things have turned around and I have given her the guy attention she deserves, we are both happy at this point.

I am in the process of ending my relationship with my therapist. At our sessions this week, I had a really great moment. I am not a very emotional person and I was opening up the flood gates on my feelings and she interrupted me, to tell me about some book from the 1970's and how back then you did not talk about gender and sex related topics in public, but this book talked about male on male and female on female interactions. She then went on to say I should write a book about how I see relationships and gender identity. My response was I could give it a try. After that, I was just ready to leave. I ended up sitting there listening to her talk for another 5 minutes, then she was like it looks like our sessions is over, when shall we meet again?

I then pulled the typical guy break up with my therapist. Therapist can you come in next Thursday, my response, I am really busy next week. Therapist how about the next Monday, my response, I am really busy that week to, but I will call you that Tuesday about a date. Therapist you forgot my card with my number on it, my response oh yes I will need that. I am leaving there thinking, I am never calling you again.

I will call her back.

This is the most surprising part, when I told my wife what happened and that I did not want to go back, so was okay with it. I explained how she interrupted me a couple of weeks ago, and we got off topic, but I let it go because the sessions had some good points. I see no positive in the sessions.

Gender Therapist are really hard to find, any thoughts on using a Psychologist? (I feel at this point I want to continue therapy for my own person well-being.) If Gender Identity stuff comes up fine, but I am at least comfortable with who I am at the moment.

[Dena]

If the Psychologist is properly trained and is taking you where you want to go, there is no problem using one. The issue that sometimes occurs is that the Psychologist lacks the proper training and you are not getting what you need from the visits. Gender therapist have the advantage that their training is in their title where as you may need to dig a bit deeper to figure out if a Psychologist is what you need.

[Charlie Nicki]

Gender Therapist are really hard to find, any thoughts on using a Psychologist? (I feel at this point I want to continue therapy for my own person well-being.) If Gender Identity stuff comes up fine, but I am at least comfortable with who I am at the moment.

Give it a try, my gender therapist is a clinical psychologist who specializes in gender identity, he's also trans so you can try and fin what's out there.

[Steph Eigen]

This is a wonderful thread that I hope will help others in addition to Erica navigate these difficult waters.

I am sorry to hear of you difficulties with your therapist.  For what it's worth, I struggled choosing a therapist as do many others you will encounter here.  My observation was that there are clearly some who see anyone who presents with any transgender urges as needing to transition in large extent--HRT, social transition, various surgical measures to varying extent facilitating transition.  Others, usually less familiar with gender issues, seemed eager to conclude that the symptoms stem from larger general adjustment issues to be treated as such and not taken seriously as a potential need to be addressed as needing dysphoria relieving management including transition.  Probably most are somewhere in the rational middle ground betweeen these two poles.

Most therapists will offer an initial call or brief visit, usually without charge to briefly discuss the issues at hand and to allow you to get a better idea of his or her approach, orientation and personality.  Take advantage of this, it can save much disappointment later.

Based on my own experience with a PhD level therapist who does a variety of psychtherapeutic modalities including analysis and certain Jungian-based therapies as well as the common cognitive-behavioral therapy and has extensive experience with gender issues,  I think there is much to be said for going with a therapist who is not a "one trick pony."  I had a number of problems I needed to work through which were variously intertwined with my gender issues.  He very skillfully untangled the mess, helped me gain perspective and resolve a number of problems I'd been struggling with for years in next to no time.  From there, I was left with making sense of my MtF ->-bleeped-<- and dysphoria.  With his help, I fully embrace the fact  that my internal milieu is largely wired using the female blueprint, but have come to terms with my current life situation and decided  not to transition.  Dysphoria is no longer a substantial problem for me; whether that will be the case permanently  into  the future is anyone's guess.

I would not have done well with a therapist that was of the mindset to put me on he tract to HRT and full transition. At my lowest point when miserable with dysphoria, I would have probably done just about anything to find relief.  I had come very close to starting HRT and (ironically) was afraid to do so because I was confident that it would work!  This was not some sort of internalized transphobia at work.  I wanted to be sure I had the complicated mess that was my psyche at the time cleaned up first before simply defaulting to the HRT option. 

I was quite certain that if I took this route early on, I'd find it difficult to objectively make decisions concerning the question of transition, having essentially made the commitment to do so.  While it is certainly possible to discontinue HRT once started, knowing my own mind and how I felt, the die would have been cast.  In retrospect, I am glad I took the alternative route of holding off on delving into the transition waters until looming issues were better clarified, grateful to my therapist for guiding me through this difficult time.

Some are very clear in their objectives, mainly need someone to test the veracity of their commitment to transition and help guide them through the process.  There are numerous threads on this site that chronicle such transitions and the guiding hand played by the therapist in this setting.  Ashley's comments are pure gold.  Transition comes with variations and subtleties as numerous as those who face the question of transition.

Dena makes an important point as well.  You might not be simply MtF but non-binary.  Work through these subtleties of your transgender situation with a therapist you trust to look at the big picture.

[Erika_Courtney]

Dena makes an important point as well.  You might not be simply MtF but non-binary. 

Thanks for the really informative post. I am coming to terms with the idea that I am non-binary. I struggle because I am not sure I accept non-binary to be a real option. Of course 18 months ago I didn't think a male could become a female. Then the term transgender came into my life. You can start throwing you tomatoes now, but you might want to save some for later in the post.

Right now I am happy and sad. Things were going good one night, I was posting on this sight and just having a good day. Then something happened, like a light switch, I felt a change in my feelings. I came on this site and started reading some post, I felt like I should response, but had to clue what to write. The emotion that I felt a few hours ago was gone. I was an emotionless guy again and since that night I have struggle to express emotion or make a connection with others.

I am struggling right now to even write this post. There is more information I should include, but I don't want to get into my feelings.

I am staring to see the two sides of me. The girl side that is in touch with their feelings and the guy side that wants nothing to do with their feelings.

I have been happy in guy mode these last weeks.

What makes me sad is how differently I feel or don't feel while in guy mode. I have wanted to response to so many post, but I have no clue what to say. I should feel insert happy or sad for person x, but instead it is more of an indifference.

[Dena]

No tomato throwing from me. The non binary can be the most difficult to live with. Some remain their birth gender, some do a partial transition and some do a full transition. Take your time and continue to explore your feelings and ask questions when you know what to ask. That is what this site is for and whatever you decide, you still fit in here.

[Erika_Courtney]

I have not been sleeping very much and thought maybe writing my rambling thoughts would help me sleep.

Disphobia has been hitting pretty hard this week. I thought knowing what the problem was would make it easier to deal with, instead knowing seems to make it worse. I am not proud of myself, I hijacked another user post for a rant, which after a few minutes, I came to my sense and deleted my post.

VERY IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:
(I am not talking about you or anybody else on this site. I am only talking about how I feel about me.)

I thought I would be off this site by now. Instead the writing on the wall seems to be getting clearer. I am physically the same person who found this site, but mentally I am not the same person. I would have rather had every hair on my body pulled out, then ever think of taking hormones. Now I am figuring out which effects of hormones, I would like vs which ones I can tolerate vs then ones I would never want. I tell myself it is only for the mental effects. Then I sit and feel this wave of shame come over me. How can I do this to my child? How can I do this to my wife? I made a promise as a man to be there for them always and in exchange they gave me their love. I never want my child or wife to see me as a female. Okay so science says this is not my fault, I was just born this way and I am moving toward the way I suppose to be from day one. I still have free will, I don't have to choose my happiness over their happiness. I see the person I am in the mirror, the anger, the temper, how can this really be a better life for them? Then the temptation comes, start estrogen without telling them and wait until you have been on it a couple of months or a year and when they like the changes, you tell them the truth. Are you happy that your husband no longer has these adult temper tantrum? This is made possible by him being on estrogen. I would start now creating a pre transition stealth mode. I would hide the change on estrogen, but making them now before I start estrogen. I would also have to have some ground rules. I start estrogen, no wearing woman's clothes, no makeup and hair cut in guy style only. If physical changes get to noticeable you have to stop. It does not feel right from the beginning, if I can't be honest with the ones I love how can I be honest with myself? The answer is simple, I am not being honest with myself.

I decide to try the open conversation path. I got the nerve to discuss hormones again with my wife. I started to explain I just feel that something is wrong with my hormones. I was initially surprised that she responded I figured out that you probably had some hormone imbalance years ago, she went on to say low T is nothing to be ashamed of. Then she started to encourage me to tell my primary care and they could get my a script for testosterone. I get the impression, she has been thinking about this for years. I remember reading a post on here from a user who tried testosterone and it does not work to help disphobia, it makes it worse. I did some research on testosterone and I came back to her today. I explain, I don't mind my current body hair, but I don't want to grow anymore. She said just removed, it is just hair. Okay I can deal with the hair, but there is a possibly of breast growth, I don't want my breast any bigger. A lot of guys take testosterone and don't grow huge breast, just relax. I realized at this point I am never going to win this argument, so I am trying to find the silver lining. So I could take steps to start testosterone and try it for insert any amount of time, then just switch to estrogen. If I start getting a little breast growth, I blame the testosterone. Another road, I start taking testosterone and get really freaked out, I could go to her and be like testosterone is making my body go crazy, it is basically rejecting the additional testosterone, maybe I need to try a different hormone.

How do I see myself in 5 years now? I still see myself identifying as male. I will be happy to have rediscovered my lost emotions. My appearance will be more of a feminine. The breast growth will brother me, I'll just have to keep my shirt on. I will like the softer skin and now as I am think about what I am about to write I am getting euphoric inside when I think about how my face will look.

[LizK]

Hi Erika

I have been reading this thread through from the beginning and in each of your posts over the last few weeks or so, I see a deeply unhappy person slowly but surely battling their way through all the questions and by the sound of it, answering some of the important ones but also just as importantly making progress.

VERY IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:
(I am not talking about you or anybody else on this site. I am only talking about how I feel about me.)

Now I am figuring out which effects of hormones, I would like vs which ones I can tolerate vs then ones I would never want. I tell myself it is only for the mental effects. Then I sit and feel this wave of shame come over me. How can I do this to my child? How can I do this to my wife? I made a promise as a man to be there for them always and in exchange they gave me their love. I never want my child or wife to see me as a female.
Okay so science says this is not my fault, I was just born this way and I am moving toward the way I suppose to be from day one.

You are not doing anything to anyone and why is it you don't ever want your wife and child to see that real part of you? Do you think they deserve "Adult temper tantrum" or the real you warts and all? You are doing something for your family that most people can't and won't do...you are putting them ahead of your needs but to the determent of your health. 

I still have free will, I don't have to choose my happiness over their happiness. I see the person I am in the mirror, the anger, the temper, how can this really be a better life for them?

No you do not have to put yours over theirs...but why should theirs be over yours? Is it really free will...it you are prescribed a medication to cure your infection you can take or not take the medicine, Most would not see it as a choice or free will because dying is not seen as good outcome for an infection.

Then the temptation comes, start estrogen without telling them and wait until you have been on it a couple of months or a year and when they like the changes, you tell them the truth. Are you happy that your husband no longer has these adult temper tantrum? This is made possible by him being on estrogen. I would start now creating a pre transition stealth mode. I would hide the change on estrogen, but making them now before I start estrogen. I would also have to have some ground rules. I start estrogen, no wearing woman's clothes, no makeup and hair cut in guy style only. If physical changes get to noticeable you have to stop.

If you are ever going to have a chance of getting through this with your family intact, can I suggest that honesty is a better strategy. Lets say it plays out the way you just said. By about 3 months you may well be struggling to get an erection and you can bet your nipples will be sensitive, you moods may well have gone past evening out and you may well be a bit more emotional that you bargained for.  When the physical changes happen you are going to stop? What if you can't? What if that restriction wasn't there? Have you ever worn a skirt and heels? or a dress or something really femme apart from in caricature mode?

and this is bang on

It does not feel right from the beginning, if I can't be honest with the ones I love how can I be honest with myself? The answer is simple, I am not being honest with myself.

I remember reading a post on here from a user who tried testosterone and it does not work to help disphobia, it makes it worse.

I was given two injections (1 month apart)of Testosterone and after the second one I just about went crazy, It was like someone turned my GD (gender Dysphoria) switch round to past full on...it was just a horror show...no one wanted to be around me, I could not even hold down a reasonable conversation, I was constantly agitated and getting so angry...after the second shot I couldn't stand it anymore which  was in part what forced me out. I had thought that maybe a shot of T would "fix that trans stuff right up" (I had low T for a long time at this stage) it was kind of a last ditch effort...if this don't work nothing is going to. I am a lost cause...

So I could take steps to start testosterone and try it for insert any amount of time, then just switch to oestrogen. If I start getting a little breast growth, I blame the testosterone. Another road, I start taking testosterone and get really freaked out, I could go to her and be like testosterone is making my body go crazy, it is basically rejecting the additional testosterone, maybe I need to try a different hormone.

You will not grow breast tissue taking Testosterone...you will if you take E though...unless there is something I am missing about T, It may give bigger muscle mass but not actual breast tissue which is very different. With E you will start off and develop pointy (think Madonna) shape with which is quite distinct...no mixing that up for muscle.

How do I see myself in 5 years now? I still see myself identifying as male. I will be happy to have rediscovered my lost emotions. My appearance will be more of a feminine. The breast growth will brother me, I'll just have to keep my shirt on. I will like the softer skin and now as I am think about what I am about to write I am getting euphoric inside when I think about how my face will look.

Did I mention how the E may slowly change the way you think and feel? It will change you and from what you have said, probably in ways you really want. As to how much well as they say YMMV (Your mileage may vary) I guess for you like many of us we do not want to see the end of our relationships. Mine is still intact. We have been together for a long time and she is sticking by me. I seriously had my doubts she would stay once I told her I had to transition. But she has and will there holding my hand when ever I need her. I don't know what the future holds for us I know I love her as much as she loves me. Our relationship has changed but that was going to have to happen anyway and the relationship is still changing the further into transition I go.

After many years of struggle and two other attempts to transition I finally decided this will be my last.... You get one shot at this life and it is too dam short to be unhappy....I choose Love, I choose life...How about you?

[elkie-t]

Hi Erika. First of all, you are transgender. It's a very inclusive word, it includes both cross dressers and transsexuals.

Second - maybe you shouldn't push your transgenderness on your wife every time you talk to her. Give it some break, do more by helping her with her chores when you can (but do all of yours too). You want to play both genders, you might work twice as hard.

I am surprised your wife isn't opposed to the idea of your dressing, but doesn't want to let you be around the house in a dress. I think it gets boring to do it inside your room alone only. You can do what I did in that situation - take crossdressing outside the house (into the public). I doubt your wife will be happy about it, but just go to safe places. I think you might try to negotiate little things, such as replacing your male panties with female, shaving your body hair (the body hair grows so fast - you'll have to shave every other day for the rest of your life). And so on, as you said - coming out was the first of many steps.

Just don't become obsessed with trans-things 100% of your life. I know you waited for 7 years to come out, but look your wife knows about such things for only a month or so? Give her some time to get used to the idea, and sort it out for herself.


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[elkie-t]

Third... I think it's a tough balancing act. Your wife wants the whole thing disappear. You cannot take it back (and even if you could - would you?, those thoughts that had forced you to tell your wife, they wouldn't go away).

She will push you to hide it - thus 'no dresses at home', I bet she won't be ok if you say - ok, I'll go out in public She will threaten you with a divorce and you might even get used to the idea.

At the same time, you will want for more and more freedom to express and explore yourself until you find where a satisfying routine for you (imposed by your own desires and limitations, not those forced on you by her).

I am in a similar boat, so I am not sure I have any real advice for you. But give it some time, and keep talking to your wife and don't forget about yourself either


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