8 years post op, thinking of giving up stealth

[Sophia Sage]

Ritana,

The wisdom of "practicing non-disclosure" (like others, I really don't like the term "stealth") ultimately depends on your own personal truth.  Because your personal truth will inform whether the practice is, emotionally speaking, an act of hiding or omission... or the most honest form of self-acceptance and way of presenting yourself to the world. 

If you do not see yourself as female, without qualification, it makes sense that practicing non-disclosure would lead to feeling bottled up, scared, anxious, what have you.  Because you aren't sharing something you consider vital to your identity, your sense of self.  On the other hand, if you really don't identify as "trans" anymore, then you might be compromising the female gendering you'd get from others around you, even from yourself, and your personal truth will consequently suffer.

So the real question is, what is your truth?

I do not intend to totally give up stealth which I have enjoyed for over ten years now. I just wanna be OK with being trans should my past resurface at any point like ending up in hospital. I also think that leading your.partner to believe you are a natal wonan when.in fact your are a transgender woman is a lie no matter what excuse you have. I know being trans is not a big deal for us trans folks but it is a big deal for cis folks and in the mainstream dating world. Your past may catch up with you at any time during your life. I know this from experience.

From this (especially the bolded) it sounds like you believe you "are" trans, that this is a permanent feature of your identity, soul, spirit, etc.  If this is so, it might explain the feelings you've been having lately about practicing non-disclosure.

[Wednesday]

From this (especially the bolded) it sounds like you believe you "are" trans, that this is a permanent feature of your identity, soul, spirit, etc.

Well. The fact "you're trans" may have nothing to do with soul/spirit/identity or whatever other purely abstract constructs. In fact, if we want to keep things as simple as possible (which is usually quite good idea) "being trans" is about having suffered a medical condition of body/identity mistmatching (to put it in a way).

So, aside being relevant or not, is part of your history. You can feel as super-duper womanly as you want, but if comes to a question of your partner about yourself, and you need to "conceit it" (making up an excuse for absence of chilhood photos, for example) I would say it is not very healthy approach.

No need to say how pitiful may be a relationship where your partner has to be unaware of certain facts about you under the risk of breaking up. I'd not wish it even to my enemies.

[Ritana]

Yes, deep down I do believe I am trans. All of us here are. Trying to fool myself into believing I am cis is a blatant lie. That is a fact. I consider myself to be a female, but NOT a cis-female. I.suppose I could convince myself I am a cis-female but a simple visit to the doctor would prove the opposite. Very simple:))

[Janes Groove]

I'm an alcoholic and you would think my favorite prayer would be the serenity prayer.
Not so.
It's actually a prayer I heard once from the late comedian Bill Hicks, who was also an alcoholic.

"Oh my God, may I know only reality and only you."

[tgirlamg]

Yes, deep down I do believe I am trans. All of us here are. Trying to fool myself into believing I am cis is a blatant lie. That is a fact. I consider myself to be a female, but NOT a cis-female. I.suppose I could convince myself I am a cis-female but a simple visit to the doctor would prove the opposite. Very simple:))

Exactly Ritana!... I spent over a half century in a lie to myself that I was male... I couldn't see lying to myself and the world that I am cis female... The truth is I am female... Trans female but female all the same!..  After all this time... I am totally good with that!!!

Ashley

[Ritana]

Agreed a trans-female IS a female but it's not a cis-female. Some guys are not ok with being with a trans-female and we need to respect their choice. I have spent 8 years of my life having stealth relationships with guys (I lived with 3 bf's) , none of them knew about my past, but  now I gotam to thebe stage where I've had enough of hiding.

[tgirlamg]

Agreed a trans-female IS a female but it's not a cis-female. Some guys are not ok with being with a trans-female and we need to respect their choice. I have spent 8 years of my life having stealth relationships with guys (I lived with 3 bf's) , none of them knew about my past, but  now I gotam to thebe stage where I've had enough of hiding.

I think you are going to find happiness and peace if you choose to move things that direction Ritana... I married the greatest guy in the world with nothing to hide... When you are loved for all you are without hiding... Well... That is pretty hard to beat and pretty much what this life stuff is all about... At the end of it all... The only thing that matters is our loving connections in this life... Everything else is just window dressing...

Onward we go brave sister!

Ashley

[Ritana]

Many thanks, Ashley, and I am happy you have found love, sister!

Hugs,

Ritana

[Wednesday]

When you are loved for all you are without hiding... Well... That is pretty hard to beat and pretty much what this life stuff is all about... At the end of it all..

This is it!

[Sophia Sage]

Yes, deep down I do believe I am trans. All of us here are. Trying to fool myself into believing I am cis is a blatant lie. That is a fact. I consider myself to be a female, but NOT a cis-female. I.suppose I could convince myself I am a cis-female but a simple visit to the doctor would prove the opposite. Very simple:))

If that's your truth, more power to you!     

This is not how I personally construct the categories of "trans" and "cis" (and yes, I do believe all categories are human constructions, though much of this process happens subconsciously).  To me, "trans" is a narrative identity constructed to mitigate gender dysphoria.  The "interior" part of being trans is predicated purely on one's emotions; the exterior on telling people about it.  The condition of "cis" is simply the absence of these things -- of having no dypshoria and no narrative of it.

In other words, I consider it as something relative and hopefully ephemeral.

This is very different from how I consider my identity of being female, which I experience as a permanent, eternal aspect of who I am.

[Ritana]

We can have many philosophical definitions/ perceptions of being trans; however, we can all agree  that being born witha body that does notnot match our true assertion gender identity constitites tha basic, concept of being trans. Sadly, I was not born with a vagina. That does not mean I am not a female. It just means I am not a cis, female.

Ritana

[Sophia Sage]

We can have many philosophical definitions/ perceptions of being trans; however, we can all agree  that being born witha body that does notnot match our true assertion gender identity constitites tha basic, concept of being trans.

Um, I don't agree with that assertion?  I get it that this is how most people construct the category -- but I think this construction is incorrect. 

I maintain that the suffering of gender dysphoria is closer to the truth of it.  Because that suffering isn't apparent without narrative disclosure, I'm further inclined to believe that "being trans" is actually a socially constructed category -- with increasingly wider and fuzzier boundaries.  In general, though, that's the twofold combination that I understand at the heart of "being trans."

But then, I'm also of the opinion that the past doesn't exist. It really doesn't -- only the present exists, the here and now.  When we talk of the past, we're not talking about something real, just employing a very pervasive and cohesive metaphor for talking about our memories... and the future.  Which also doesn't exist; it's just a fiction in your head.  A story.  As is everything narrated about the past that you didn't personally experience. All of which to say, I don't privilege the "condition at birth" narrative, as it's pretty irrelevant to my here and now.

There's another reason why I'm not going to pay heed what I consider to be an incorrect view on the subject out in the big bad world -- because for a lot of people, a trans woman isn't really a woman.  And I'm sorry, but I'm not letting anyone -- anyone -- in my life have a say in the matter. 

That's the real social conundrum.  And, conversely, is "cis" even an identity?  I don't think so.  Cis people don't go around thinking they're cis.  They go around thinking they're male or female, and everyone agrees with them, without talking about it!  There's no dysphoria, and no narrative of it.  That's all that being cis is.

Sadly, I was not born with a vagina. That does not mean I am not a female. It just means I am not a cis, female.

Ritana

Sadly, I was not born with a uterus.  That does not mean I am not female.  It just means I'm infertile.  Someday, this too will be a temporary condition.

Ritana, seriously consider the suggestion that you have always been female.  Always.  Maybe, just perhaps, being trans was a just a transitory phase, and all you have left to do is just let it go and stop clocking yourself.  No one else is clocking you, right?  Maybe they're right, at least in this respect.

All my best,
Sophie

[Gail20]

Philosophy and physics aside, the person each of us is today is a collection of past experiences. It is a snap shot if we're fortunate to continue evolving. . .

[Karen_A]

But then, I'm also of the opinion that the past doesn't exist. It really doesn't -- only the present exists, the here and now.  When we talk of the past, we're not talking about something real, just employing a very pervasive and cohesive metaphor for talking about our memories... and the future.  Which also doesn't exist; it's just a fiction in your head.  A story.  As is everything narrated about the past that you didn't personally experience. All of which to say, I don't privilege the "condition at birth" narrative, as it's pretty irrelevant to my here and now.

Those types of arguments were interesting and stimulating back when I was debating this stuff with KG over a decade and half ago... but in the end I've found all the intellectual acrobatics tend to more about justifying what one wants to be rather than a dispassionate analysis of what is true...

I'm now a lot older, and I can that see who I am, my emotional makeup ,and my world view is affected by the past even if it is  in ways I wish it did not... It's part of being human and IMO unavoidable.

No that is not all there is to a person, and there is change, but is it a still powerful force .... and I'm taking about a whole lot more than just gender stuff... The past is NEVER TOTALLY irrelevant to who we are now, as much as most us (those who have changed sex) wish it were not .

- karen

[Sophia Sage]

Those types of arguments were interesting and stimulating back when I was debating this stuff with KG over a decade and half ago... but in the end I've found all the intellectual acrobatics tend to more about justifying what one wants to be rather than a dispassionate analysis of what is true...

I do not believe "a dispassionate analysis of what is true" actually exists.  Sorry, but there's always going to be subjectivity, it's unavoidable -- be it desire, intention, purpose, what have you.  We construct maps of the world around us in our heads; there are many internally consistent ways (I am not a solipsistic "anything goes" sort of woman, and I do take how the material world actually responds as a vital check to that) to map the territory.

So I'm not going to repress my bliss.  And I've already charted my maps (with full intention) and rearranged my conceptual frameworks to serve me and my truth.

I'm now a lot older, and I can that see who I am, my emotional makeup ,and my world view is affected by the past even if it is  in ways I wish it did not... It's part of being human and IMO unavoidable.

No that is not all there is to a person, and there is change, but is it a still powerful force .... and I'm taking about a whole lot more than just gender stuff... The past is NEVER TOTALLY irrelevant to who we are now, as much as most us (those who have changed sex) wish it were not .

Memories.  You're talking about memories.

Yes, they're powerful, especially in their ability to affect our emotions before we're even aware that's taken place.  But they're not all powerful. 

Because memories are false, insofar as they are necessarily incomplete impressions of lived experience, not to mention the ramshackle storage, retrieval, and fidelity issues.  And yet, this can be a boon.  I swear my own memories have changed, down to when I was a little girl. 

If the memory system is subject to entropy anyways, might as well adjust the programming with intention, I say.

[Karen_A]

Memories.  You're talking about memories.

No I'm not actually. How experiences affect who you are goes much deeper that teh memories of events or even the emotions surrounding them. Think about it ... But don't over think it...

- karen

[Sophia Sage]

No I'm not actually. How experiences affect who you are goes much deeper that teh memories of events or even the emotions surrounding them. Think about it ... But don't over think it...

Sorry, you lost me there... how, exactly, does an experience affect anyone beyond emotion and memory?  And what would reside deeper than that?

[jentay1367]

I think you are going to find happiness and peace if you choose to move things that direction Ritana... I married the greatest guy in the world with nothing to hide... When you are loved for all you are without hiding... Well... That is pretty hard to beat and pretty much what this life stuff is all about... At the end of it all... The only thing that matters is our loving connections in this life... Everything else is just window dressing...

Onward we go brave sister!

Ashley

Love your new Avatar, Ash.  Lucky girl! Could you look amy more content? Lol

[tgirlamg]

Love your new Avatar, Ash.  Lucky girl! Could you look amy more content? Lol

Thanks Lisa!

I was looking through my wedding pics the other day and thought that one had avatar written all over it!... We had a great photographer!... I had first met him to take pics of me to send to Virtual FFS years ago... and yes!!!... I am pretty content these days!... Life is good!!!

Onward we go!

Ashley

[jentay1367]

Thanks Lisa!

I was looking through my wedding pics the other day and thought that one had avatar written all over it!... We had a great photographer!... I had first met him to take pics of me to send to Virtual FFS years ago... and yes!!!... I am pretty content these days!... Life is good!!!

Onward we go!

Ashley

You look like it, girl. I'm a little jelly! Congratulations on having the guts and character to go get what you wanted and knew you deserved. And yeah....that may be one of the all time great Avatars. It speaks volumes. Take care, hon!