I am a 50+ yr old amab transgender, non-binary, transfeminine. I have been married for 25+ yrs and have two children (and one small white dog).
I have been the way I am my entire life but I never really knew what it was. Welcome to life growing up in the 70s/80s. Long story short, I pushed everything down before college. Graduated, got married, things resurfaced (of course). Eventually we find a way to make things work, but I still really don't know what "it" is. I manage by keeping this piece of me in a literal and figurative box, to be periodically pulled off the shelf, experienced, and then put away. What ever strategies I had for coping, they were not perfect, but I was getting by. And then it happened.
I was having a fatigue issue. I went to my Doctor and two things happened. I was diagnosed for sleep apnea and borderline low "T". I got a CPAP machine for sleeping and a prescription for two pumps of Androgel per day. For someone like me, this is like prescribing poison. I did enjoy the extra "pep" in the bedroom, but I did not enjoy the outbreak of body hair everywhere else. Over the period of the next year, I felt less and less happy.
The day for my showdown with myself finally came. At this point, it was inevitable. I was on the road for work. I returned to my hotel room after dinner. I sat down at the desk, and I remember this feeling of utter hopelessness overcoming me. I put my head in my hands and started sobbing uncontrollably. There is no other way to put it than to say that I had a mini-breakdown. Every coping mechanism I had developed over the course of a lifetime had eroded to the point that they all failed simultaneously. And I was just left in a puddle of pain and tears.
Whatever this was, I could no longer ignore it. I remembered I had an EAP (Employee Assistance Plan). I remember the logical piece in the back of my brain telling the rest of me that we were going to call that number. And whoever answered we were going to tell them exactly what we needed, because it was time to actively deal with things. Long story short, that was how I ended up in therapy. That was a little over 3 years ago.
It seems like a lifetime ago. My world has changed so much. I wish my wife didn't have to bear her part of this, but everything else has been for the better. I don't know if I am "me" yet, but I've stopped being "not me". I am still "stealth" but I have managed to bring these two aspects of me closer together. I have not been shy in my presentation - among other things, I have been doing electro on my face, pierced both ears, grew out my hair, and have added a lot of color to my wardrobe. I'm not out, but I'm not hiding.
I only just came out to my daughter. I have no plans to come out to my son before he finishes High School next year. In the meantime, I have met a number of wonderful and amazing people locally, who I don't consider just as trans friends, but as friends. I also help admin a non-binary group on FaceBook.
I weaned myself off the "T" after consulting with an Endo. I've been on HRT for the last 18 months. There are so many things that are uncertain, but I've never been happier.
I am an active Catholic and have been exploring how my faith and my being trans relate. I was thrilled to find an actual Catholic LGBT Ministry in Hartford, CT and I have enjoyed talking with many LGBT Catholics about our thoughts and experiences.
I like most things Sci-Fi and am a big fan of comic-related properties. I love 70's Prog Rock and seeing music live, especially jazz/fusion. I am not a big fan of working out, but I have a treadmill and Netflix, so I do it. I do like the prospect of getting into smaller sizes, where there seem to be a lot more cute choices.
I see there is a section of the forum for Significant Others. I am going to be showing this to my wife. She finally asked me to get her the name of a therapist for her (She has been to 3 sessions of mine over the last 3 years which has been awesome) but she has not called yet. Talking with other people in the same position as her, from the anonymity of our family room, would be something I think she'd find helpful.
I joined this forum after hearing about it at the New Haven Trans Adult Support Group. I look forward to participating in the threads. Thank you for having me here! <3
