Help!

[billyjeans]

I really am feeling low today. For all of my 41 years, with few exceptions, I have presented as male. I am AMAB, and just survived. Most would say thrived, but I always had a secret. I remember the satin edge of my baby blanket, watching my baby cousins get pampered, noticing how girls bathing suits were different and wanting to wear one. Wanting pretty long hair and red lips. Being a girl, but not allowed to be myself.

About 5 years ago, I started with major depressive episodes and anxiety attacks. I went on meds, eventually with good results but some issues getting there. Now I also have an ADHD diagnosis. Things have muddled along. I have 3 great kids, a great wife, a beautiful house, a dog, a cat. A great teaching job. Only I'm trans. I live in a place where I know of no other trans friends, not even anyone out about any LGBT things, it makes me sad.

I like to say things are going well, but I have just a handful of people I know will stay with me when they know, but I hope and believe that there is more that will stand by me when they know.

I can't stay in the closet any longer, and I worry that my present life requires me to do just that. I stand to lose everything, I'm terrified.

People accept me as gender variant, but even though I try it is not a fit. I'm a girl. It makes me so happy. Just I think it makes everyone else unhappy. Uncomfortable.  Grossed out maybe?  I can't know what others think, but I'm not getting a whole lot of "I love you no matter what" but I am lucky to get a few.

I have come to the end of trying to find another way or maybe finding the switch to turning this transgender switch to off. I am what I am.

I see a supportive therapist, but I'm going to see a doctor Monday and hopefully get on the right track.  Have you similar experiences?  Tell me it gets better. 


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[RobynTx]

Where does your wife stand on this? I just told mine on Monday and she has been supportive so far. Other than a few family members I couldn't care less what others think. As long as you have someone there you can do anything.

[billyjeans]

She is supportive, but doesn't want to see me too femme, no dresses or makeup. Not sure about any further transitioning, so mostly I can underdress and wear leggings at home but that seems to be a hard limit. More than other spouses allow but still a struggle which gets harder as time moves on.


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[KathyLauren]

Sorry to hear that you are feeling the pressure of dysphoria.  It it is any consolation, we have all been there to some degree.

At some point in our journey, we have to choose between all the stuff we think of as "success" and being ourselves.  It is a hard choice, sometimes with no clear, good options.  Sometimes we get lucky and get to keep it all; sometimes either choice hurts.

Is your therapist skilled in gender issues?  If not, you might want to get them to refer you to someone who is.  A generic therapist is helpful, but to really help you sort this stuff out requires some special training and expertise.

Don't pre-judge people's reactions.  Sometimes they can surprise you with tolerance and acceptance when you didn't expect it. 

Believe it or not, you are already over the toughest hurdle.  You have admitted to yourself who you are.  That's a big one, and worthy of congratulations!  You still have a bit of a journey ahead, but many of us are on the same road ahead of you.

I was 61 when I figured it out and came out to my wife.  It was very hard to do, but, at 62, I am now happy for the first time in my life.  I have been living full-time as a woman for two months now, and loving every minute of it.  I am still in mid-transition, but I can tell you that it does get better.

[DawnOday]

My wife was for it before she was against it. She was more than happy for me to go to therapy as I had become just awful. So I went. This was not my first rodeo with the therapist. I have been trying since 84 to reveal my inner secret. But, each time I chickened out and blamed it on stress, I cut off from just about everyone, I have no control over who I am as it was medical malpractice that was the cause not a choice per se. All I do know is that I feel much better now. No matter what goes on from here I have made accommodations for my wife to always be taken care of. We have been together 35 years. My kids are grown and they support my decision to begin hormones. I actually think it started working from day one as it felt like something was being withheld from me my entire life. It was like meeting a long lost friend. I am pretty chill compared to how I used to be. There is much information on this site especially on the wiki. There are letters and explanations that will help with coming out. There are also links to research sites and support groups, medical staff and surgeons. And much more. I don't know where I would be now without the lovely people who come to share on Susans. It is so awesome. I have been coming here for just over a year and I gladly donate to the cause. In my opinion the service here is priceless.

[tgirlamg]

Hi Billyjeans!

You may not have local Trans friends but you have friends here!!!... What you have experienced throughout your life and what you are going through now is very much in line with the common themes of most all of us around here and you therefore have a wealth of experience to draw on as you make sense of what this all means and your options for putting your life on a course that will work for you!!!

You are seeing a therapist so I hope he or she is experienced in gender issues... If not you might want to find a local provider on the WPATH website..

When someone is at the point you are now and starting to see that perhaps HRT and transition needs to be considered, it can seem so overwhelming... How will I be accepted by loved ones?... Friends? ... Co-workers?... Strangers?...At that point there are so many unknowns about what could lay ahead and it is human nature to fill in the blanks of the unknowns with fears... Let me assure you that if transition is the choice you come to... Your choice can be made to work... The path can be navigated and there can be true happiness and contentment on the other side of it at levels never previously imagined

Much of the process is working on the outside but of even more importance is the inside work... i have come to the conclusion also that at its core... It is a spiritual journey to place ourselves at a place in our lives where we can truly give and receive love... Before transition, how can we truly feel loved by others if they have never truly seen who we are because we have spent a lifetime of hiding...

For most of us here... We came to a point where the challenges of transition were much more acceptable than hiding any more... I knew if I did not transition...The rest of my life would be spent in regret.... I have learned so much in the last few years but most important is how much power we have to make our lives what we chose... It is easy to feel scared and powerless in life but please embrace the fact that we all hold the steering wheel to our life in our hands and we can steer our life wherever we want.... The road can be pretty bumpy sometimes but we can get where we need to go.

I wish you amazing discoveries as you explore the possibilities for your life and let us know if we can help..  It is a road best traveled with friends at your side....

Onward we go brave girl

Ashley

[billyjeans]

Robin, I'm so happy your wife is supportive.  I hope your family is supportive as well.


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[billyjeans]

Kathy, thank you for the reply. I am seeing a gender related doctor on Monday so I think it is a big step. My current therapist is great, open, I can be myself with. I will still see her but I'm excited to see a different perspective.

You are correct, I need to stop deciding how others will judge me and find out their true reaction.


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[RobynTx]

Robin, I'm so happy your wife is supportive.  I hope your family is supportive as well.


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Thank you. I think most of them will be. Time will tell. Hope your new therapist works out great.

[billyjeans]

Kathy, i'm happy to hear that I am at the hardest part of the hurdle with coming to terms with everything for myself. It is hard to believe, but it really is true, since I imagine that's the first domino that leads to everything else needs to happen.  Thank you for your advice!


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[billyjeans]

Hi Billyjeans!

You may not have local Trans friends but you have friends here!!!... What you have experienced throughout your life and what you are going through now is very much in line with the common themes of most all of us around here and you therefore have a wealth of experience to draw on as you make sense of what this all means and your options for putting your life on a course that will work for you!!!

You are seeing a therapist so I hope he or she is experienced in gender issues... If not you might want to find a local provider on the WPATH website..

When someone is at the point you are now and starting to see that perhaps HRT and transition needs to be considered, it can seem so overwhelming... How will I be accepted by loved ones?... Friends? ... Co-workers?... Strangers?...At that point there are so many unknowns about what could lay ahead and it is human nature to fill in the blanks of the unknowns with fears... Let me assure you that if transition is the choice you come to... Your choice can be made to work... The path can be navigated and there can be true happiness and contentment on the other side of it at levels never previously imagined

Much of the process is working on the outside but of even more importance is the inside work... i have come to the conclusion also that at its core... It is a spiritual journey to place ourselves at a place in our lives where we can truly give and receive love... Before transition, how can we truly feel loved by others if they have never truly seen who we are because we have spent a lifetime of hiding...

For most of us here... We came to a point where the challenges of transition were much more acceptable than hiding any more... I knew if I did not transition...The rest of my life would be spent in regret.... I have learned so much in the last few years but most important is how much power we have to make our lives what we chose... It is easy to feel scared and powerless in life but please embrace the fact that we all hold the steering wheel to our life in our hands and we can steer our life wherever we want.... The road can be pretty bumpy sometimes but we can get where we need to go.

I wish you amazing discoveries as you explore the possibilities for your life and let us know if we can help..  It is a road best traveled with friends at your side....

Onward we go brave girl

Ashley

Thank you so much for extending yourself as a friend, along with others here. I hope that I can be a good friend as well. I wondered if some of the things between myself and other girls are the same in some respects so thank you for saying that. It's really amazing how long that I have been hiding from myself and hiding from others.  If I can admit these things to myself than I should be able to admit them to others. Finally have the secrets have been kind of like my friends that I have been unwilling to share, but now I am going to!


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[CarlyMcx]

Transition now while you are young.  I fought the panic attacks for eleven years before I finally threw in the towel at 53 and started transitioning.  If anything I wish I had done it a lot sooner.  It would have been far better for my health.

And yes it gets better.  If anyone had told me two years ago that in two years I would be the girl in the photo I would not have believed them.

[tgirlamg]

Thank you so much for extending yourself as a friend, along with others here. I hope that I can be a good friend as well. I wondered if some of the things between myself and other girls are the same in some respects so thank you for saying that. It's really amazing how long that I have been hiding from myself and hiding from others.  If I can admit these things to myself than I should be able to admit them to others. Finally have the secrets have been kind of like my friends that I have been unwilling to share, but now I am going to!


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Hi Billyjeans!

As you move along and explore things, I believe you will be amazed at how many revalations about your life present themselves.. The secrets we bury and carry with us for a lifetime can color our past decisions, choices and relationships so much more than we realize!... Transition really is an ever unfolding journey!!! ... You strip away the protective layers we have placed around us throughout life and look at who we are at our core... And then live that truth that we find there

I have done public speaking for many years about my experience with transition at the local university and other venues... I still find it quite liberating to walk into a room full of strangers and talk in detail about what was my deepest and darkest secret for a half century!!!

I hope all goes well Monday for you! Keep us posted and congrats on the steps forward!!! There is a feeling that comes from finally putting ones life on the proper course that cannot be beat!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!!

Ashley

[billyjeans]

Transition now while you are young.  I fought the panic attacks for eleven years before I finally threw in the towel at 53 and started transitioning.  If anything I wish I had done it a lot sooner.  It would have been far better for my health.

And yes it gets better.  If anyone had told me two years ago that in two years I would be the girl in the photo I would not have believed them.

It's so interesting that the panic attacks sometimes seem that they have nothing to do with gender, I never have understood that but I do believe that it is a direct link. Maybe it has to do with interacting all day long in the wrong gender, I guess I'd like to know more


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[billyjeans]

Hi Billyjeans!

As you move along and explore things, I believe you will be amazed at how many revalations about your life present themselves.. The secrets we bury and carry with us for a lifetime can color our past decisions, choices and relationships so much more than we realize!... Transition really is an ever unfolding journey!!! ... You strip away the protective layers we have placed around us throughout life and look at who we are at our core... And then live that truth that we find there

I have done public speaking for many years about my experience with transition at the local university and other venues... I still find it quite liberating to walk into a room full of strangers and talk in detail about what was my deepest and darkest secret for a half century!!!

I hope all goes well Monday for you! Keep us posted and congrats on the steps forward!!! There is a feeling that comes from finally putting ones life on the proper course that cannot be beat!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!!

Ashley

Thank you Ashley for the vote of confidence I will keep all of you updated and posted after my appointment tomorrow! One of the reasons I was having panic attacks, I thought, was because of the public speaking that I was doing. Xanax definitely helped that, but I feel like I may be getting to the root of the cause now.


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[billyjeans]

Transition now while you are young.  I fought the panic attacks for eleven years before I finally threw in the towel at 53 and started transitioning.  If anything I wish I had done it a lot sooner.  It would have been far better for my health.

And yes it gets better.  If anyone had told me two years ago that in two years I would be the girl in the photo I would not have believed them.

Thank you for saying that I am young! I can feel and moments that it does get better, I found the cutest wig tonight and I can see my future self it when I put it on. Blonde with curls!   Also I got a super cute pair of shorts and a tank top to go with that.


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[billyjeans]

So I got all my paperwork in and the appointment is tomorrow! I'm so excited. I find that at times when I can dress however I want it is sometimes harder than when I have to choose things that are more androgynous. But it'll be fun to pick out an outfit.  I just came out to another one of my parents and it went very well, she loves me unconditionally and we will be talking again within the next week so I'm pretty happy about that. Thanks for all the support of your friends and I'll check in tomorrow!


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[billyjeans]

Oh my god this is terrifying! My appointment went very well and was very validated by an expert in gender issues. It was even euphoric until I realized how much this could explode my entire life. She seemed hope all that on this journey I would be able to figure out who I really a.m. and what it is I need to do. I am going to start seeing them every week. I'm just really scared of losing everything, how to explain this to the people it matters to most, and on and on. Maybe I can add some details about the good parts but right now I'm just too nervous I'm shaking.


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[tgirlamg]

Hey Billyjeans!... Quite the day you've had!!!... I will just put one thought out for the moment because I am heading out the door for a nail appointment...

You feel fear that you may lose everything but please consider that you may be gaining everything!...

There is always fear about blowing up the existence that is familiar and we are use to... I use to be a bomb technician and we had a saying that there is no problem that can't be fixed with the proper application of the right amount of explosives!!!!

Onward brave girl!!!

Ashley

[billyjeans]

Hey Billyjeans!... Quite the day you've had!!!... I will just put one thought out for the moment because I am heading out the door for a nail appointment...

You feel fear that you may lose everything but please consider that you may be gaining everything!...

There is always fear about blowing up the existence that is familiar and we are use to... I use to be a bomb technician and we had a saying that there is no problem that can't be fixed with the proper application of the right amount of explosives!!!!

Onward brave girl!!!

Ashley

This is great advice I should be focused on what I can gain.  I've had a lot of people step up today to offer support here and face-to-face. I hope your appointment goes well!


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