I have failed

[coldHeart]

I have come to the decision that me trying to become Sara as terribly failed it just seemed to be one bad thing after another, just on the waiting list for HRT but up to two & a half years 😥 tough of going private but just can't afford it
My social transition has been very depressing what little friends I had deserted me as soon as the body hair come off the wife has taken it very badly or should I say ex wife but we still have to live under the same roof, have had no help what so ever out side of this group beginning to think perhaps it wasn't meant to be, I just keep looking like a man in drag so what is the point I will never have the money to fully transition I always know it would be hard but this now.. To be truthful I was I was dead I feel like i,m stuck between two world's the dysphoria is so bad I,ve become a self imposed recluse that way I never get to see any pretty women, no TV very little internet use, some people have said go to a therapist but I fear I will be lock up some where, I,m slowly going out of my mind i hate this male skin suit I have to wear everyday but I don't have the will power to push on, even my horrible self harming is back again.
I have failed as a man I have failed try to become a woman basically I have failed as a human being, not everyone will make this journey I am one of those. Thanks for taking the time to read my soulless post. Sara

[2.B.Dana]

Today, I share many of the same thoughts & feelings and my heart breaks for you that yet another of us has to feel this way. Do your best to find something to be thankful for and focus on that in the really low times. You are not alone.

[davina61]

Sweetheart, just did a long reply and internet dropped out and dumped it . Short version now. Maybe the best think would be see a therapist , you wont be locked up. Went out in a skirt no wig or make up so old farts head and nothing nasty happened, so passing is that really necessary . Had to walk past 4 hunky scaffolders wearing 3/4 jeans , ladies t with bra showing, sandals and toe and hand nails painted and a bit of makeup on . No one stared laughed or made a comment and was carrying a hand bag as well. Never say never , please don't give up , I know its frustrating waiting for treatment but it will come , remember no one waves a magic wand and puff Sara appears so do little things to help push onward   

[Kendra]

Sara if you can't see a gender therapist on a regular/frequent basis, one suggestion is find a good one you can visit at least occasionally.  Just knowing you have additional options that can help.  You are definitely not alone on this - we care about you. 

When you say you have failed, I disagree.  You have already succeeded at many things.  I admire your openness and willingness to seek advice - I see that as clear proof you have strength. 

[Megan.]

Agree with what Davina said,  they won't lock you up,  given the conversations/confessions I've had with my therapist,  that is always a last resort that no one wants. As frustrating as the NHS wait is,  there is alot you can do. The GIC will want to see that you are getting out and integrating into society.
I got to the point,  that if I was going to end it,  there was nothing to loose in putting my authentic self out there. It couldn't make things worse,  but it just might (and has) make them better. X

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[elkie-t]

Hi Sarah, you seem to be very depressed now, and your situation is difficult, but... try to realize it will only get better from there.
You will find new friends accepting who you are along the road, 2 years is not too much of a sentence - they will fly through, and in the meantime you can work on improving your image and rebuilding your life.

I'd say - don't be too harsh on your looks, don't strive to achieve 100% passable look but rather try to improve your great assets with makeup and clothes, and be relaxed on who you are. People will always read you but if you are confident and happy, they will treat you with respect and like you.

Just make a plan and stick to it. Maybe it would be good to start with electrolysis and also do some shopping therapy?


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[MissKairi]

hey if youve come this far you havent failed. just hit another mountain on the route.
let us lot be your garbage dumb to make it easier to climb

[coldHeart]

Than you all for your kind worlds
I just feel so utterly depressed with the whole situation at the moment I really don't know which way to turn I,ve looking up local trans groups but the nearest is over 70 miles away. Sara

[jentay1367]

Hey Hon...you're getting roadblocked. That's the forces of the Universe. They will keep putting up those road blocks till you prove to them you'll have what you want. Then they'll back off. If you truly know you're a woman, then take the responsibility out of others hands.  We all need some win to continue pursuit of a goal. Go get some win and watch things start to fall into place for you. And while you're at it, if you really want to keep your wife,  show her everyday in every way how badly you do. Things can turn around here...turn on your powers of creative visualization and go claim what belongs to you. Best of luck...Lisa

[tgirlamg]

Sara my beloved sister...

I wrote you some things in the fabulous thread today... I am worrying about you because I know you are hurting and feeling pretty lost... But if transition is something you truly want and need to do it can be done!... Like Lisa said... " go claim what belongs to you " ... I see you falling deeper into the traps of despair and self criticism and that is not a good place for anyone... Trust me... The deeper you allow yourself sink into those ....The harder it is to get out of the self defeating patterns

2.5 year wait for hormones?... Okay!... I know girls who have transitioned and can't even take hormones!... There is plenty you can do to move forward in the meantime

Friends leave you high and dry over body hair?... I have some news... Those are not friends!!! Good riddance to them!!!..Show the world who you truly are and then you will attract people who do care about you into your life!!!

You mentioned a Trans group that meets but it was a 70 mile drive... I submit that it would be worth the effort to find a way to get yourself there and have some face to face time with others that are fighting this battle...

What I am trying to say in a nutshell is that I want you to picture a way forward.... It is a journey of 1000 steps ... Don't worry about the 1000... Just picture the next step or two and take them... Believe that you can.... Because you can... You have a whole lot of sisters here that will cheer on your every step and I will cheer loudest of all!!!!

Let this moment be your new beginning!!!! Onward we go!!!!


Ashley

[Janes Groove]

I,ve looking up local trans groups but the nearest is over 70 miles away. Sara

70 miles is nothing.  Here in the USA that's a daily commute.  The rewards of going tho will I think be substantial.  Sounds to me like you really need to get out of that small town you're in for a bit anyway.  What have you got to lose?

[Shy]

I do a round trip to the gender clinic every three months to visit one of the volunteers there whilst I wait for my slot to come up. I get to share stories with another trans person who has been through the system for an hour or so. Even though they are not therapists It keeps me connected to the clinic and I feel a little less isolated.
I'm not sure if they offer the same at your assigned clinic, may be worth a shot if they do.

I also started seeing a regular therapist at my local GP's which has helped a lot with my mood. Again very informal but she has helped a lot with some of the social fears and negative thoughts I have. Trust me you're not alone with that one Sara.

Just some suggestions that have helped me, I know we all have different lives and practical considerations, but just thought I'd share what i've been up doing to help me prepare for when my appointment eventually comes through.

Hope things improve for you girl, I really enjoy your company on these forums and its always nice to have a fellow Brit amongst all these crazy people. I mean someones got to keep that Laurie and Moni in check right?

I wish you all the best, you're not alone, we're all here for you.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie. 

[Sarah_P]

70 miles is nothing.  Here in the USA that's a daily commute.  The rewards of going tho will I think be substantial.  Sounds to me like you really need to get out of that small town you're in for a bit anyway.  What have you got to lose?

I agree! It's 85 miles for me to get into the city to do ANYTHING. Therapist, group meets, laser, shopping, etc.. .  I know there's a lot of people who don't travel often, but like Jane said, the rewards are well worth it. Trust me, as someone who lives in a small town, it feels great to get out now & then!

[jentay1367]

Petrol and traffic can be brutal in Britain. She knows she's a woman. What she needs is HRT. That gas money is better spent there given her circumstance. She needs to mitigate depression and see transition progress. Knowing what she wants makes spending money on talk therapy appear squandered. She has limited resources.

[davina61]

Yes in the same boat here, not even found a group close to me . Will be robbing my pension fund to get HRT (don't pay much anyway) in fact my only trans friends are here, bless you all.

[coldHeart]

My little town has about 10 houses & is surrounded my open mountains so I am in the middle of no where, my only friends or people I talk to are all on here (sad) I know I,m slipping deeper & deeper but I can't stop myself. Sara

[jentay1367]

Your wife is gone if I remember correctly. There's an old expression on this side of the pond that goes, "I've never been so broke that I couldn't leave town". Pretty self explanatory.  I don't know what cities your close to, but get there an apply for jobs. Shift your paradigm. Change your world. Do something, anything different, Sara. Break the rut you're in. You have to create a goal. Hope depends on having a goal or destination. Sit down, take a deep breath, think about what you want and make a plan. Wallowing in your misfortunes is a spiral into an empty pit. Stop that now.

[RobynD]

So sorry you are feeling hopelessness. It can get better for sure and a lot better. I agree a paradigm shift is in order and reaching actively out to more extensive resources in a larger town or city. Many things exist:

Therapists - Frankly, i do not know how anyone can go through all of this without therapy.
Support Groups -
Access to the larger community through LGTBQ+ nights at bars and other venues
Housing and medical assistance - it exists
Larger employment markets -
Better cultural support in urban areas in general-

You have to be an active member in your improvement plan and i know that is hard when you are feeling no hope, but that is what is required to make change happen or at least enough change so that others will step in and pick you up. This forum is great but you need access to a larger support base.

[Sarah77]

I know some days feel hopeless, but stay strong as those days don't last forever. If this path is right for you it will work out best over time. Any friend who abandons you at this time isn't a friend

[tgirlamg]

Lisa and Robyn are putting out some solid advice here Sara... You need to get outside the box with how you view your situation here... There are always options in life... Resignation to misery is amongst the very worst of of them

You have some very ardent supporters here who want to see you take some steps in the general direction of a happier life  but sadly we can't take them for you.... You have to summon up the will to reject misery and let yourself see that little glimmer of light in the distance emanating from a place called HOPE... Start looking at how you will travel to that place instead of why you can't!!!

With Love and Hope

Ashley