Overcoming fear and shame: going out as me

[RobinGee]

So I'm at a crossroads of sorts.  I'm not seeking to fully transition for several reasons, but instead trying to spend part time as a woman.  Problem is I'm terrified and ashamed to go outside as me.  It's like all the little interactions with people, what will people think if they know me even a little, what general reaction will people have, the incredible newness of it all terrifies me.

I'm not crazy, I don't harbor delusions that I'll magically pass, especially without HRT.  But I need to do something to be me I'm just gonna get resentful for ever,

I have had a few attempts at going out in public, nothing bad happened but I'm still resistant.  I'm okay going to support groups, my therapist and the like, but just want to feel okay going to the stupid grocery store.

[JoanneB]

I had 2 utter fail transition experiments in my early 20's thanks to the dark clouds of Shame & Guilt enveloping me. It screamed "Some Guy In a Dress" and I wasn't the only one to sense it 

Not until I fixed myself on the inside was I able to venture out into the real world as the real me. I achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. BTW - We are talking rural West Virginia, aka hillbilly country for this 6ft tall, bald, big everything gal

[Wild Flower]

I recommend seeing a psychiatrist. Due to the doctor, I am feeling a lot more confidence in life, and a lot less emotional. Things that I wouldn't do before... I do now. It has given me strength in my life, and not to take anything to seriously. (I'm not talking about therapy)

[elkie-t]

So I'm at a crossroads of sorts.  I'm not seeking to fully transition for several reasons, but instead trying to spend part time as a woman.  Problem is I'm terrified and ashamed to go outside as me.  It's like all the little interactions with people, what will people think if they know me even a little, what general reaction will people have, the incredible newness of it all terrifies me.

I'm not crazy, I don't harbor delusions that I'll magically pass, especially without HRT.  But I need to do something to be me I'm just gonna get resentful for ever,

I have had a few attempts at going out in public, nothing bad happened but I'm still resistant.  I'm okay going to support groups, my therapist and the like, but just want to feel okay going to the stupid grocery store.

There's nothing wrong to be a guy in a dress, it's not like breaking any law or anything. You have your right to dress as it pleases you, and wear make up or whatever.

And you can go further out, where chances of meeting your neighbors or any one else are slim. And why would you care about people's opinion if they don't know you?

But in the end, you should be ok with being outed by someone and not ashamed of what you're doing and owning it.

[Harley Quinn]

It's always most difficult at first. It does get easier with time. I always went out in groups for years and years... slowly but surely I got the confidence to go in smaller groups, then by myself. New is always going to be scary, but never ever let yourself feel ashamed. And definitely never let anyone make you feel ashamed... you're stronger than they are. Not everyone can do what you have done.

[Wild Flower]

DO IT! Live your life, because it doesn't last forever. Only now exist. Enjoy it! DO IT. DO IT.

I'm going to do it too. I am tired of all the charade.

[Janes Groove]

The first few times are definitely the hardest.  The day after I came out to what's left of my family,  I went out to the $ store. En femme. Or what I thought was en femme.  I wasn't on HRT and I had shaved my beard the previous day.  The truth is my hair wasn't even very long, my movements were stiff and male, my voice was an absolute disaster and I was dressed pretty androgynously.  I really didn't give people very much to work with.   I got sirred and it felt like a punch in the gut but I got it out of the way and y'know what?  The world didn't stop spinning on its axis.  The sun came up the next day.  Nobody died.  It wasn't a debutante ball.  It was pretty inauspicious in fact.  But nothing terrible happened.   My ego was a little bruised and I realized I had a long journey ahead but it was a start.

But I hear you vis a vis the grocery store. It's such a mundane thing. But it's pretty huge too. It's part of our territory.  Sometimes we have to fight for every inch to gain territory for our identity to live in.   But you deserve it.

[Rachel_Christina]

I'm living as female full time except for work.
But there are still times I get down on myself and I just can't leave the house.
It's just something you gotta keep doing to build confidence.
But some days confidence is in abundance, and others ita just not ther atall :/

[Devlyn]

Practice makes perfect, Robin.    Get out there and OWN aisle 3! 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Julia1996]

I'm living as female full time except for work.
But there are still times I get down on myself and I just can't leave the house.
It's just something you gotta keep doing to build confidence.
But some days confidence is in abundance, and others ita just not ther atall :/

Except at work? How? I've seen your pictures in B&A thread. You can't pass as male. Even if you wear male clothes and pull your hair back, you still couldn't pass as male.

[Natalia]

DO IT! Live your life, because it doesn't last forever. Only now exist. Enjoy it! DO IT. DO IT.

I'm going to do it too. I am tired of all the charade.

THAT!

I have only gathered the courage to transition after losing my father and my mother. Both have died too soon, both with only 54 yo...

Losing them made me realize that life is too short and sometimes too unfair and unpredictable.

It made me see that the time to live is NOW. Tomorrow may never come.

If we know what we need to do in order to be happier individuals... we should start doing it as soon as we can.

As an Epica song I used to love:
"I'm afraid to be alive without being aware of it"

And that was what I was doing all my life pre-transition... I was alive, but I wasn't living.

So... I said... "to hell with everything" and I decided to be myself. 

[Violets]

Robin, I'm also in the process of letting the world see the real me, and like yourself, I have yet to overcome intense feelings of fear and shame. The last time I ventured out as me was to visit a friend, but I took some male clothes with me in the car 'just in case'.

A bit part of passing is being confident in yourself, so keep moving forward. With each step you take, it will get easier.

[Natalia]

I'm living as female full time except for work.
But there are still times I get down on myself and I just can't leave the house.
It's just something you gotta keep doing to build confidence.
But some days confidence is in abundance, and others ita just not ther atall :/

Except at work? How? I've seen your pictures in B&A thread. You can't pass as male. Even if you wear male clothes and pull your hair back, you still couldn't pass as male.

Wow, I agree with Julia.

I really doubt you can pass as a male at all.

[Rachel_Christina]

Thanks Julia and Nathalie.
It's funny to be fair I really don't know how they have not realised either.
I mean I literally wear rags to work but at the same time I have no beard no more, pretty long hair and my skin is 10 times what it used to be.
Maybe they are just stone tbh
Anyone that I have told was never surprised like.

[Julia1996]

I think starting to go out in public as yourself is one of the hardest parts of being trans. It totally was for me. Being albino I've always had people stare and whisper so you would think I would be used to it. But when I first transitioned I was terrified of going out in public. I would avoid it if I could. My dad actually made me go to public places with him. The mall, Walmart, grocery store, etc. After a while I got over being scared. If you have someone you could go out with that might help you. It did for me. I really hate when people say "man in a dress" in reference to a transwoman. No matter what she looks like a transwoman is not a "man in a dress". She is a woman in a dress who was unlucky enough to born wrong. I also think confidence has a lot to do with it. My dad told me it's important to make eye contact with people. He said if someone looks down and kind of shrinks into themselves when you look at them it makes people suspicious and then they look harder trying to figure out what you're trying to hide. My dad is a cop. He said even if the general public doesn't recognize it as suspicious behavior, it's just human nature to pick up on subtle behavior of guilt. Trans people aren't doing anything even slightly wrong. But for whatever reasons we FEEL like we are when we first start going out in public. My dad told me that even if someone has done nothing wrong, if they FEEL guilty it shows in their body language and actions and people pick up on that. No transwoman should feel guilty about being herself. We have as much right as any woman to wear pretty clothes and makeup. We have more right actually because we are willing to lose everything and suffer more than anyone ever should to do it.

[SophieD]

My dad actually made me go to public places with him. The mall, Walmart, grocery store, etc. After a while I got over being scared. If you have someone you could go out with that might help you. It did for me. I really hate when people say "man in a dress" in reference to a transwoman. No matter what she looks like a transwoman is not a "man in a dress". She is a woman in a dress who was unlucky enough to born wrong. I also think confidence has a lot to do with it. My dad told me it's important to make eye contact with people. He said if someone looks down and kind of shrinks into themselves when you look at them it makes people suspicious and then they look harder trying to figure out what you're trying to hide. My dad is a cop. He said even if the general public doesn't recognize it as suspicious behavior, it's just human nature to pick up on subtle behavior of guilt. Trans people aren't doing anything even slightly wrong. But for whatever reasons we FEEL like we are when we first start going out in public. My dad told me that even if someone has done nothing wrong, if they FEEL guilty it shows in their body language and actions and people pick up on that. No transwoman should feel guilty about being herself. We have as much right as any woman to wear pretty clothes and makeup. We have more right actually because we are willing to lose everything and suffer more than anyone ever should to do it.

You have a wonderful father!

[Natalia]

About starting to go out as yourself.

Sometimes it is a natural process... it demands time, HRT and various efforts into feminization... for me I started going out full time after one year of HRT.

I had reached a point where, even with male clothes, people started to "misgender" me all the time. Even when I was kind of presenting myself as male, my presentation started to fail and... well... it was funny to see people getting confused about my gender.

After that it was kind of easy to start going out full time... that transition was natural.

So I embraced my feminine me and never came back to "male mode" again. And... I was surprised that since then I was never misgendered 

When we get enough confidence, when we see we are struggling to pass as a male...then things gets easier! It is just one more step to go to full time. And after you take it... you'll see it was not that hard!

[Julia1996]

You have a wonderful father!

My dad is sensitive to LGBT issues because of personal experience. His brother came out as gay when my dad was 17. He lost all his friends and my grandpa wasn't accepting at all. My dad tried to be accepting but he was only 17 and didn't really understand it too well. My dad joined the marines when he was 18. 8 months after my dad left his brother hung himself. My dad always has felt like he should have tried to do more for him.

[Dee Marshall]

I recommend seeing a psychiatrist. Due to the doctor, I am feeling a lot more confidence in life, and a lot less emotional. Things that I wouldn't do before... I do now. It has given me strength in my life, and not to take anything to seriously. (I'm not talking about therapy)

I recommend seeing a psychologist or psychotherapist instead. Too many psychiatrists are all about the drugs. Their insurance is too high to spend time doing therapy.

:

April 22, 2015, the day of my first face to face pass in gender neutral clothes and no makeup. It may be months to the next one, but I'm good with that!

Being transgender is just a phase. It hardly ever starts before conception and always ends promptly at death.

They say the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. I say, climb aboard!

Think outside the voice box!

[coldHeart]

I have yet to go out the house as the real me let alone in public I wouldn't know were to start, once I did go to the Beach got changed in the car made sure no one was about & took my avatar photo but nearly 30 years as a goth I was wearing some right out there clothing but now just to wear a simple pair of legging & top fills me with dread. Sara