Do straight men who are attracted to transwomen get more pressure and stigma?

[JinnieY]

Hello all,

First I would like to say thank you all for giving out so much warmth and support to our sister/brotherhood .
I started transitioning 1 year and 3 months ago and it felt really great (I am on HRT)! What I want to discuss today is about the whole dating scene for transwomen.

I have been using many online dating apps to find my Mr. Right. I have been talking to a guy who I find really attractive for 7 months. He lives in Canada while I am in the States, so we only use fb messages to talk nearly everyday or skype once in awhile. I really like this guy even though we haven't met in person. However, he's living with his ex (a cisgender female) and told me that his ex wants to get back with him (but he doesn't want to). In the mean time, he doesn't want to address the issue between them.

He keeps telling me that life is hard. It's hard for transwomen but it is hard for guys who are attracted to transwomen as well. He also mentions that it's especially hard for men to confess to their friends and family about their attraction to transwomen. I told him at least he should tell his ex that he has been talking to or is interested in someone rather than just have her wait and think that she can still get back with him. I told him it is not fair to lead her on or to lead me on if that's the case (He told me he really likes me). He just keeps apologizing but doesn't want to make any changes. I feel very down and sort of worthless because of that. I feel like it's been 7 months and we talk almost every day, and all these time we spent on talking doesn't give him any courage to even mention that he's interested in someone? (I'm totally fine if he just mentions "a girl" instead of "a transgirl"). He will always leave abruptly during a conversation because his ex comes back home from work. He emphasizes he never thinks that I am not presentable in public but just hard for him to make that move. It really breaks my heart so I told him maybe it's best to just be friends then. He agreed and apologized again, but that doesn't help with my broken heart.

Moving on, I am using a different app (that I had used before) and wish I have luck in men. Usually I will emphasize that I am a MTF transwoman in my profile. But this time, I decided to create a different account and leave my bio blank. Sadly, it turned out I get more likes and matches (and they won't unmatch after we matched). It's very disturbing because I was talking to a guy today and he didn't know I am trans. We talked a bit and it seemed like he was quite interested in me and asked for my number. That is when I confessed to him about my identity. Soon he just said "that's not what I'm looking for so thanks for the heads up" and then left (unmatched). It really hurts because it makes me feel like I am less than a ciswoman. 

I think it happens to a lot of us, but I think it's very degrading to us as humans. So with my stories, I would like to ask all my sisters and brothers, what are your thoughts on men who are attracted to you but don't want to bring it up to the table? Am I being too inconsiderate and not thoughtful for thinking that I deserve better than being hidden from the public (even though the Canada guy said he wouldn't mind to date me in public at all it's just hard to explain to someone close to him)? Also, what are your thoughts on men who were attracted to you but lost their attraction as soon as they find out you are trans? I know a lot of people said straight men are afraid of their attraction toward transwomen because they are afraid that they will become gay or have to bear the pressure as "being gay". I am not sure if that is true or could it be something else. I would love to hear your opinions or stories if you are willing to share!

Thank you all for reading my post and sorry for the long post!
Wish everyone have a great night and we are ALL beautiful in our own ways!

Best regards,
Jinnie

[November Fox]

Hey Jinnie.

It sounds to me as if this guy is afraid of people judging him, and he´s letting that fear hold him back in his attitude towards you. Which is not good, in my honest opinion.

Sure, I think guys sometimes face stigma from those around them, when they tell them that they are interested in a transwoman. But at the same time, why the emphasis on the "trans" part at all? He could just tell them that he´s interested in you and that you are a woman. It´s simple, really. That´s why I think he´s letting it hold him back.

If they found out that you are trans, well, then I suppose he would have to make some kind of choice. It appears that his friends might be just as judgmental of transwomen as they are of him for dating transwomen. Which makes them not fantastic friends in the first place.

I feel that if he were really into you, he´d come to this realization on his own. The fact that he is still living with his ex and does not want to say anything about you also comes across weird, for me. To be honest it sounds as though he´s using the whole trans thing as an excuse not to move forward with you and stay stuck where he is.

People just don´t have the right idea of what it means to be trans. Not yet. They usually think that you are one static thing "trying" to be the other thing, which we know on here is false.

[JinnieY]

Hey Jinnie.

It sounds to me as if this guy is afraid of people judging him, and he´s letting that fear hold him back in his attitude towards you. Which is not good, in my honest opinion.

Sure, I think guys sometimes face stigma from those around them, when they tell them that they are interested in a transwoman. But at the same time, why the emphasis on the "trans" part at all? He could just tell them that he´s interested in you and that you are a woman. It´s simple, really. That´s why I think he´s letting it hold him back.

If they found out that you are trans, well, then I suppose he would have to make some kind of choice. It appears that his friends might be just as judgmental of transwomen as they are of him for dating transwomen. Which makes them not fantastic friends in the first place.

I feel that if he were really into you, he´d come to this realization on his own. The fact that he is still living with his ex and does not want to say anything about you also comes across weird, for me. To be honest it sounds as though he´s using the whole trans thing as an excuse not to move forward with you and stay stuck where he is.

People just don´t have the right idea of what it means to be trans. Not yet. They usually think that you are one static thing "trying" to be the other thing, which we know on here is false.

Hey November Fox,

thank you for your honest opinion! I guess I feel the same way but I tried to ignore it because I really like this guy. He actually had dated a transgirl before so he pretty much knows what being transgender is like. I still appreciate to have him as my friend tho (but it's very difficult because I still feel the attraction).

[LizK]

Hello all,

First I would like to say thank you all for giving out so much warmth and support to our sister/brotherhood .
I started transitioning 1 year and 3 months ago and it felt really great (I am on HRT)! What I want to discuss today is about the whole dating scene for transwomen.........

.......Thank you all for reading my post and sorry for the long post!
Wish everyone have a great night and we are ALL beautiful in our own ways!

Best regards,
Jinnie

Hi JinnieY

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you enjoy your time here.

Can't help with the dating scene...long past that. But I am sure there will be someone who can help you with your query.

So you are able to get the very best from being here there are a couple of links we give to all our new members

Site Policies and Stuff to Remember (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)

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ElizabethK
Global Moderator

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[tgirlamg]

HI Jinnie and welcome to the forum!!!

I met my husband through an online dating site where my history was upfront and I dealt with similar scenarios.. But, I recommend perseverance!... Move ahead with confidence in who you are!!!...One of the first things that attracted me to my husband when we were emailing before we met was his confidence and  how secure he was within himself in his attraction to me... When we got further into the relationship.. His large family were all curious about the new woman in his life... I told him that I had done my transition and him telling them about me was kind of like his transition... It is letting others see what we hold the inside ourselves for so long because of fear of judgement... Anyway... His family could not have been more welcoming to me and I think in some ways it even made his relationships with them even closer... When you show people who you truly are inside and get love back... It's pretty hard to beat sister!!!

Onward we go!!!

Ashley

[JinnieY]

HI Jinnie and welcome to the forum!!!

I met my husband through an online dating site... One of the first things that attracted me when we were emailing before we met was his confidence and  how secure he was within himself in his attraction to me... When we got further into the relationship.. His large family were all curious about the new woman in his life... I told him that I had done my transition and him telling them about me was kind of like his transition... It is letting others see what we hold the inside ourselves for so long because of fear of judgement... Anyway... His family could not have been more welcoming to me and I think in some ways it even made his relationships with them even closer... When you show people who you truly are inside and get love back... It's pretty hard to beat sister!!!

Onward we go!!!

Ashley

Hi Ashley,

Aww I'm so happy for you!! I am still in the dating jungle trying to find my way out. I wish I could find someone who loves me as I am and not afraid to tell the world and be proud of me! Thank you for sharing your experience that helps me to gain back some hope in dating haha!

Wish the best,
Jinnie

[tgirlamg]

Hi Ashley,

Aww I'm so happy for you!! I am still in the dating jungle trying to find my way out. I wish I could find someone who loves me as I am and not afraid to tell the world and be proud of me! Thank you for sharing your experience that helps me to gain back some hope in dating haha!

Wish the best,
Jinnie

Hey Jinnie!!!...

It take a while to sort out the prince amongst the frogs but the process is definitely worth the effort!!!... Perseverance and patience will carry you through to the promised land!!!

My husband told me long ago that when God made women like me... He made men who would love us just how we are!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley

[elkie-t]

I think the guy just wants sex with you. And since he's still living with his ex, he either is lying about his marital status, or too poor to move away. Either is a good reason to stop any relationships, or at least not to think of him romantically.

I'd say, keep chatting with him if you want a remote friend to listen to you, but look elsewhere for love and sex


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[Julia1996]

I don't have a lot of experience with straight guys yet but I am dating a guy who identifies as straight. I say identifies because I don't really know. I'm not sure if he could be totally straight or not being with me. He's never had a interest in my boy parts. He will sometimes "deal" with them but never orally. He also would never let someone top him. So is he like a 100% straight guy or is he like maybe heteroflexible?  I don't know. But I also don't care. Anyway a lot of people here knew me before transition so being totally stealth is impossible here. Guys will sometimes say things to him about being with me. He really doesn't seem to care. His usual response is "your opinion mate" and we just go about our business. A couple of times a guy has tried to push him further but as soon as he was clear that he totally had no problem beating the crap out of them they backed down. But also his friends know I'm trans and still respect him. I think he's just very secure with his masculinity.  I was very surprised he wanted to date me after I told him I was trans. He's an Aussie and from what I've seen Aussies don't seem to like trans people very much.

[MissKairi]

An old work colleague of mine had sex with a transsexual once and openly admitted it.
He was beasted every day as a gay ->-bleeped-<- shagger until he left the company.

Is it a stigma? You betcha backside it is.

99% of men i know have to make the pretense of being 'alpha' junk.
They have to do these things due to peer pressure.

Yes, it is ridiculous.
Then there are transwomen like me who are only attracted to women.

I think dating is hard enough as it is but even more difficult for us trans folk

[pretty pauline]

Is it a stigma? You betcha backside it is.

99% of men i know have to make the pretense of being 'alpha' junk.
They have to do these things due to peer pressure.
Yes, it is ridiculous.

It's no use pretending it isn't a stigma, your correct MissKairi, it still is a stigma but things are getting better, I'm now married to my husband nearly 7 years, a wonderful guy that loves me for the woman I am, but unlike Ashley his family or friends don't know my history, but it's not an issue, my medical history is nobody business.
My husband is very much an ''alpha macho masculine male guy'' very proud of his manhood, I don't think he could handle the ridicule and gossip from ignorant people, that may not accept me, his wife as a ''real woman'' it's complicated, but it's not an issue now, why make it an issue, to his family etc, I'm his wife and woman in his life.

My husband told me long ago that when God made women like me... He made men who would love us just how we are!
Ashley

That's so lovely Ashley, my husband has always told me too, I'm a very special kind of girl and has always accepted me as a woman, God certainly got it right with him.

[tgirlamg]

Hi Pauline!

Yeah, My husband is also VERY alpha male too... I think I really needed a guy who was more "guy" than I was in my former existence!!!

Marrying into a large family and becoming a part of it,  I felt like I wanted them to know everything and I am glad that they do but I am stealth in term of his co-workers etc... They don't matter!!!

Congrats on all life has brought to you in the Love department!... We are lucky girls to have what we have... At the beginning I had such a dismal outlook of what the future held romantically for me and I was pleasantly suprised with the Love of my life....

I hope other women moving ahead with transition keep their hearts and minds open to the fact that the future can hold much that is precious and unexpected!!!

Onward we go!!!

Ashley

[Raell]

I agree with elkie-T.

I doubt the guy's hesitation, hiding from his "ex" wife, etc.,  have as much to do with you being trans as his wanting to hide a side chick from his current mate.

It sounds like the usual excuses men give to women they are only courting for a little fun on the sly.

[pretty pauline]

Yeah, My husband is also VERY alpha male too... I think I really needed a guy who was more "guy" than I was in my former existence!!!
Ashley

I am the same, for me to have a successful relationship with a man, I needed a strong man to treat me and fully accept as a woman, my husband is a very strong alpha male and very masculine guy with a forest of hair of his chest lol but very protective and gentle towards me, makes him feel macho and makes me feel feminine.

Marrying into a large family and becoming a part of it,  I felt like I wanted them to know everything and I am glad that they do but I am stealth in term of his co-workers etc... They don't matter!!!

Ashley

It's great the way that worked out for you, my husband's family or co-workers don't know my history, but it doesn't matter, it's not an issue, I'm treated just like another female member of the family, hen parties, girls nights out and other girly stuff, he could never handle his macho straight co-workers knowing he is married to a trans woman, I'm stealth and they don't matter, to them I'm just another boring housewife.

We are lucky girls to have what we have...

We are lucky girls, absolutely agree.

[/quote]

I hope other women moving ahead with transition keep their hearts and minds open to the fact that the future can hold much that is precious and unexpected!!!

Yes precious and unexpected, nobody was more surprised than myself, ending up with a husband that accepts me as his woman, loves me and takes care of me, I hope other women going thru transition find the same happiness and security that they deserve as they take their place as women in this world.

[echo7]

Being trans is such a huge negative when it comes to dating straight men.  There's no point in trying to sugar-coat it.

Look at it from the point of view of the man.  Why would he risk the social stigma of dating a trans woman, when there are plenty of other beautiful, available cis women around?  The only way you'll get and keep the guy is if you're significantly more attractive than the other women around you.  And yes, a lot of it has to do with looks, but there are also many attractive qualities that don't have anything to do with looks, such as kindness, positivity, sense of humor, compassion, sincerity, honesty, and confidence.

Work on being the best version of yourself and the men will come to you.

[JinnieY]

Thank you all for sharing your opinion and experiences! I guess I will just have to be patient for my Mr. Right to come!

[MissKairi]

Thank you all for sharing your opinion and experiences! I guess I will just have to be patient for my Mr. Right to come!

Don't let this put you off looking

There is a stigma but that doesn't mean ALL men will care about it.
To me a cisgirl and a transgirl are the same essentially. Sure one has different parts but that's no big deal, especially when you get a partner that wants more than sex (not that transwomen can't enjoy sex!).

[elkie-t]

The stigma doesn't stick to really manly men. If a guy looks really manly, and is unquestionably confident, he can get away even with wearing girly necklace (as in Rambo), skirt in public as a guy just because 'you like your kilt' or marrying a t-girl

[Charlie Nicki]

Thank you all for sharing your opinion and experiences! I guess I will just have to be patient for my Mr. Right to come!

Is that you in your avi? If it is, you are so pretty!

[JinnieY]

Is that you in your avi? If it is, you are so pretty!

Yes this is me with the right angle+lighting+makeup!