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Terrified w/prospect of going to therapist as Sarah

Started by Sarah.VanDistel, July 07, 2017, 01:23:46 PM

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KathyLauren

Thanks for the update, Sarah!  I am glad things continue to go well for you. 

I agree with you about the difference between passing and being gendered correctly.  Passing has never been my goal, though I would happily accept it if it happened.  For me, being gendered correctly is what it's all about.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2020-03-11 GRS; 2020-09-17 New birth certificate
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Sarah.VanDistel

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 10, 2018, 06:48:48 AM
Thanks for the update, Sarah!  I am glad things continue to go well for you. 

I agree with you about the difference between passing and being gendered correctly.  Passing has never been my goal, though I would happily accept it if it happened.  For me, being gendered correctly is what it's all about.
Exactly, Kathy! I previously thought that passing was my goal, but since the moment I discovered how it feels to be consistently properly gendered, I became aware that correct gendering is what really matters to me. Passing as often as possible would be really nice and practical... but I now see that it's not fulcral to my happiness, as long as I don't decide to do tourism in dangerous places.

Hugs, Sarah

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Sarah_P

Hi Sarah!!! Great to hear from you again.  :)  Happy New Year to you, too!

I agree about passing / gendering correctly. I was obsessed with passing and being stealth when I started, but now? I'm not worried about it. As long as people gender me correctly, I'm happy. So far, I've not been misgendered once.
--Sarah P

There's a world out there, just waiting
If you only let go what's inside
Live every moment, give it your all, enjoy the ride
- Stan Bush, The Journey



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Sarah.VanDistel

Oddly enough (or not) the vast majority (close to 100% actually) of those patients who misgender me are people from other countries (essentially from Muslim countries, such as Morocco or Turkey), which really underlines the cultural nature of correct gendering.

This also makes me feel sorry for those of us who are not fortunate enough to live in accepting regions of the world - and that's not always remote third world countries! I have a family member who is a transman and he lives in a large city in the so-called Bible Belt of the U.S. and not only is he constantly misgendered, but also bullied. [emoji852]

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SadieBlake

So great to hear from you Sarah, you seem really well, thanks for updating! Keep on keeping on friend :-)
🌈👭 lesbian, troublemaker ;-) 🌈🏳️‍🌈
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elkie-t

Happy New Year, Sarah! I am very happy for you.

I understand each and every little realizations of yours :) ... when I was living 16/7 (not 24/7, because I never came out at work, but most other times) - I was worried at first, I have no way to be passable, but the more I was out and accepted as a woman (aka properly gendered), the easier it was for me to just be myself without a second thought.

And speaking of heels - you're totally right, after initial break in period, they become more comfortable than flat shoes (at least with a moderate 2-3" heel, not more for me).

I wish you a very great year, it appears you lined up a lot of great activities for yourself and your family already into it


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Sarah_P

Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on January 10, 2018, 08:48:33 AM
Oddly enough (or not) the vast majority (close to 100% actually) of those patients who misgender me are people from other countries (essentially from Muslim countries, such as Morocco or Turkey), which really underlines the cultural nature of correct gendering.

This also makes me feel sorry for those of us who are not fortunate enough to live in accepting regions of the world - and that's not always remote third world countries! I have a family member who is a transman and he lives in a large city in the so-called Bible Belt of the U.S. and not only is he constantly misgendered, but also bullied. [emoji852]

Oh, I know it well. I live in the 'Bible Belt' myself, and far too many of these people are extremely un-Christian.
--Sarah P

There's a world out there, just waiting
If you only let go what's inside
Live every moment, give it your all, enjoy the ride
- Stan Bush, The Journey



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Laurie

Hi Sarah,

  First I love your avatar. You have come a long ways, baby. OMG so far indeed from that timid woman I urged to go to her therapy session en femme. It seems so long ago now. Now you are looking good, feeling good, and enjoying life as you only dreamed about for so many years. Those surgeries will come and will only make you more comfortable with yourself. You already are a woman and my dear you really always have been.
  Your New year trip does sound like you two had a wonderful time and I'm sure there are many more ahead for you.
  Good luck with getting the birth certificate records changed I hope it isn't too bad getting it done. Don't forget about us back her as you are jetsetting your way around the world, Okay?

Big Hug,
  Laurie
April 13, 2019 switched to estradiol valerate
December 20, 2018    Referral sent to OHSU Dr Dugi  for vaginoplasty consult
December 10, 2018    Second Letter VA Psychiatric Practical nurse
November 15, 2018    First letter from VA therapist
May 11, 2018 I am Laurie Jeanette Wickwire
May   3, 2018 Submitted name change forms
Aug 26, 2017 another increase in estradiol
Jun  26, 2017 Last day in male attire That's full time I guess
May 20, 2017 doubled estradiol
May 18, 2017 started electrolysis
Dec   4, 2016 Started estradiol and spironolactone



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Sarah.VanDistel

Quote from: Laurie on January 10, 2018, 07:32:47 PM
Hi Sarah,

  First I love your avatar. You have come a long ways, baby. OMG so far indeed from that timid woman I urged to go to her therapy session en femme. It seems so long ago now. Now you are looking good, feeling good, and enjoying life as you only dreamed about for so many years. Those surgeries will come and will only make you more comfortable with yourself. You already are a woman and my dear you really always have been.
  Your New year trip does sound like you two had a wonderful time and I'm sure there are many more ahead for you.
  Good luck with getting the birth certificate records changed I hope it isn't too bad getting it done. Don't forget about us back her as you are jetsetting your way around the world, Okay?

Big Hug,
  Laurie
Hi Laurie!

Oh my... I owe you so much an apology for answering only now... Shame on me.

Thank you for your kind words, they are always so comforting and remind me of the gigantic steps I've taken in so little time. When I think that I was initially planning on coming out in the summer of 2018... I've been now living full time for almost 8 months... One full year before what I had anticipated... Unbelievable. But this was definitely the best that could possibly happen, as never before in my life have I been so happy, so fulfilled, never did I feel so whole.

In little more than 72h, I'll be lying on the operation table for my FFS. The moment I so much longed for has finally arrived. It's hard to tell you what I feel... It's a mix of mental numbness, warmth, lightness. I have to think twice when I want to remember which day of the week it is. I feel anxious, a bit afraid, a bit about to mourn this face which has so faithfully and bravely brought me in one piece to this moment. I am grateful to my old self, to this vessel which against storms and winds allowed me to reach this point in time. I know this is just a metamorphosis... I shouldn't mourn my old self, just as the butterfly shouldn't mourn the caterpillar, for without the caterpillar there would be no butterfly.

I'm sorry for all the pseudo-philosophical nonsense... It's just that when I'm about to take some giant step in my life, I tend to become a bit more thoughtful.

I promise I will keep you posted about my FFS. I'll also keep "jetsetting" the world (hahaha!)... First trip with my "new" face will be in April and is already booked. Destination: Hong Kong! [emoji41][emoji928][emoji552]

Gigantic and warm hug,

Sarah [emoji173][emoji173][emoji173]

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Sarah_P

HI SARAH!!!  I hope your FFS goes great! Sounds like you're still doing great.   :D
Hong Kong? That's somewhere I'd really like to see, myself!
--Sarah P

There's a world out there, just waiting
If you only let go what's inside
Live every moment, give it your all, enjoy the ride
- Stan Bush, The Journey



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Laurie

Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on February 11, 2018, 09:30:49 PM
Hi Laurie!

Oh my... I owe you so much an apology for answering only now... Shame on me.

Thank you for your kind words, they are always so comforting and remind me of the gigantic steps I've taken in so little time. When I think that I was initially planning on coming out in the summer of 2018... I've been now living full time for almost 8 months... One full year before what I had anticipated... Unbelievable. But this was definitely the best that could possibly happen, as never before in my life have I been so happy, so fulfilled, never did I feel so whole.

In little more than 72h, I'll be lying on the operation table for my FFS. The moment I so much longed for has finally arrived. It's hard to tell you what I feel... It's a mix of mental numbness, warmth, lightness. I have to think twice when I want to remember which day of the week it is. I feel anxious, a bit afraid, a bit about to mourn this face which has so faithfully and bravely brought me in one piece to this moment. I am grateful to my old self, to this vessel which against storms and winds allowed me to reach this point in time. I know this is just a metamorphosis... I shouldn't mourn my old self, just as the butterfly shouldn't mourn the caterpillar, for without the caterpillar there would be no butterfly.

I'm sorry for all the pseudo-philosophical nonsense... It's just that when I'm about to take some giant step in my life, I tend to become a bit more thoughtful.

I promise I will keep you posted about my FFS. I'll also keep "jetsetting" the world (hahaha!)... First trip with my "new" face will be in April and is already booked. Destination: Hong Kong! [emoji41][emoji928][emoji552]

Gigantic and warm hug,

Sarah [emoji173][emoji173][emoji173]

Sent from my SM-T810 using Tapatalk
That is just so great sarah 3 days wow! I know everything will go so well for you. It will hurt and will look bad for a short time but it will be so very worth it Hun. Post pics when you can.

Hugs
   Laurie

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

April 13, 2019 switched to estradiol valerate
December 20, 2018    Referral sent to OHSU Dr Dugi  for vaginoplasty consult
December 10, 2018    Second Letter VA Psychiatric Practical nurse
November 15, 2018    First letter from VA therapist
May 11, 2018 I am Laurie Jeanette Wickwire
May   3, 2018 Submitted name change forms
Aug 26, 2017 another increase in estradiol
Jun  26, 2017 Last day in male attire That's full time I guess
May 20, 2017 doubled estradiol
May 18, 2017 started electrolysis
Dec   4, 2016 Started estradiol and spironolactone



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KathyLauren

I hope your surgery goes well, Sarah!  Check back in when you can to let us know how it went.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2020-03-11 GRS; 2020-09-17 New birth certificate
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Sarah.VanDistel

Hi Girls!!!  :)

So it's been a little while and a LOT has happened in the mean time!

First, the FFS. It happened on the 15th February. I was so extremely tired just before the operation because I had just finished a 24 hour work shift and less than 2 hours afterwards I lay on the operation table! I was operated by Dr. Bart Van de Ven, in Antwerp, Belgium. The operation lasted about 6 hours and included the following:

  • Forehead recontouring type 3 (reconstruction) with hairline recontouring and browlift (including orbital
    rim shaving)
  • Rhinoplasty
  • Lip lift
  • Jaw angle reduction and chin recontouring
  • Lipofilling cheeks + nasolabial folds
So a quite extensive procedure... During the intervention, dr. Van de Ven had the (correct) impression that I would be left what somewhat bulky masseter muscles, giving my face an undesirably broad appearance, so he took the initiative to also surgically reduce the masseter muscles, which I am very thankful for! The wake up was uneventful and the pain perfectly bearable. The nurse removed the bladder catheter  :embarrassed: and after spending about 2-3 hours in the recovery room, they took me to my own room, where my wife waited for me...  :icon_cute:
As I said, the pain was perfectly controllable with relatively simple painkillers (Tylenol-Codeine, Diclofenac). What I found the most distressing was having my whole face covered in cooling devices, including my eyes, and that, together with the numbness of my skin, gave my an horrible sensation of sensorial isolation. That night, for the first time in my life, I had a panic attack! Fortunately, my wife and the night-shift nurse managed to calm me down and I was finally able to sleep a bit... The other very unpleasant thing is the fact that my nose was totally blocked (because of the rhinoplasty) so I had to breath through the mouth, which became dry pretty fast, making me having to drink water every 30 minutes or so...
Next morning came dr. Bart and he told me that the operation went really well and that the result (before the swelling and bruises developed) was really beautiful. He also noticed an hematoma on the inferior part of my left cheek, which apparently is a relatively common occurrence after a surgical reduction of the masseter muscle. It would totally self reabsorb but it would probably take a little while (around 4-6 weeks) - I was totally okay with this and appreciated his initiative and honesty. I was then discharged (not normal to leave so early, but since I live a mere 20 minutes from the 2Pass Clinic, he agreed).
My condition has been progressively improving, as well as the swelling and bruises.
One week after the operation, I had my follow-up consultation and dr. Bart removed my nose cast and the very few unabsorbable sutures left in place (nose and scalp) and then proceeded to take post-op pics.
So without further ado, here are the photos, preop, 7-days postop and the last one is a preop simulation






Not bad, hum? ;) I think that the postop profile is really very close to the simulation and the results for the forehead and nose job are impressive! It's still soon and there's a lot of swelling and bruising that must go away in the upcoming months - I promise I'll keep you posted. Now, for the ones of you who ever wondered why I never posted a profile pic of myself... I think these pics answer that!  ;D

One thing is certain: despite the swelling, bruising and absolutely ZERO makeup, I've been so far correctly gendered 100% of the time! And that was my big goal!

Eight days after the FFS, I also did a tummy tuck with liposculpture, but that's material enough for another post, which I'll cover in the upcoming days... Suffice to say that it also went very well! ;)

Well, Girls, I have to go now... I anxiously await your impressions and want to thank you once again for being part of my life. I don't even know if all this would have been possible without you! I love you!  :icon_bunch:

Warm hugs, Sarah






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Roll

That's great results! You looked absolutely amazing before, but after you are 100% unambiguously female for sure! I can't wait to see once the swelling goes down! :)
~ Ellie
■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■
I ALWAYS WELCOME PMs!
(I made the s lowercase so it didn't look as much like PMS... ;D)

An Open Letter to anyone suffering from anxiety, particularly those afraid to make your first post or continue posting!

8/30/17 - First Therapy! The road begins in earnest.
10/20/17 - First coming out (to my father)!
12/16/17 - BEGAN HRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5/21/18 - FIRST DAY OUT AS ME!!!!!!!!!
6/08/18 - 2,250 Hair Grafts
6/23/18 - FIRST PRIDE!
8/06/18 - 100%, completely out!
9/08/18 - I'M IN LOVE!!!!
2/27/19 - Name Change!

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Sarah.VanDistel

Quote from: Roll on February 27, 2018, 08:24:57 AM
That's great results! You looked absolutely amazing before, but after you are 100% unambiguously female for sure! I can't wait to see once the swelling goes down! :)
Thanks Roll!

That's really sweet! [emoji4]

I was mostly passable before, but some people misgendered me when they saw my profile (especially brow bossing and nose) and that caused some unwelcome dysphoria... As you say, I still expect some substantial change down the road, once the swelling and bruising have mostly subsided.

Warm hug, Sarah

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KathyLauren

Congratulations on the successful FFS.  You are looking good.  (And will no doubt look even better once the swelling and bruising go down.)
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2020-03-11 GRS; 2020-09-17 New birth certificate
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Sarah.VanDistel

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 27, 2018, 10:44:20 AM
Congratulations on the successful FFS.  You are looking good.  (And will no doubt look even better once the swelling and bruising go down.)
Thank you Kathy Lauren! I'm really curious about my image when all the swelling and bruising go away. In the meantime, the feeling of tightness on my face and lesser skin sensitivity are somewhat annoying. [emoji46] I know that in due time, these too will (at least mostly) go away... Patience is key... [emoji4]

Warm hugs, Sarah

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SadieBlake

Great news Sarah! So happy for your making this step :-)
🌈👭 lesbian, troublemaker ;-) 🌈🏳️‍🌈
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Sarah_P

I'm happy to hear (and see!) that it all went well! I'm really happy for you Sarah!!
I agree with Ellie, you looked good before, but now you'll look amazing!
--Sarah P

There's a world out there, just waiting
If you only let go what's inside
Live every moment, give it your all, enjoy the ride
- Stan Bush, The Journey



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PollyQMcLovely

The nose job is impressive work. You look great.
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