Being trans is a life sentence.

[Michelle_P]

Transgender isn't what I am.  It's an adjective, a word that provides more details about one aspect of who I am. 

I was born with some feminine brain structures, and some other bits of anatomy.  My mind, where I live, is definitely feminine.  I was also born with some male bits of anatomy.  On gross inspection I got stamped and tossed in the 'male' bin, one of two that were available at the time.

Some of us are born as women.  Others of us have femininity locked away inside of us, but fail to notice that we hold the key to our cell.  It's not a life sentence, if we can only realize what we are, and that it is not us who doesn't want that key turned, it is our transphobic culture.

I finally realized that and turned the key.

The heck with the transphobes.  Their turn to be uncomfortable.  Their phobia is their problem.  My turn to be free.

I am a woman.

I am a lesbian.  That describes who this woman is attracted to.

I am a transgender person.  That describes how I got here.

Being transgender does not fully define me.  Others who have made that mistake with me have rapidly learned that error.  It just describes a bit of how I arrived at this point in my life, much as my being a parent, or an engineer does.  It is always a part of me, much as being a parent, or an engineer, or a lesbian is a part of me.

Do various people misgender me?  Certainly.  I ignore them, or mock them as warranted.  Do people hate me?  Certainly, just as people hate nationalities, or races, or certain hair colors.  It's going to happen, and a modest amount of preparation and self-defense is warranted.

Do I have to explain myself to them?   Does a gay male have to explain himself to strangers?  Does an African-American have to explain themselves?  Do we demand that Greeks explain themselves to strangers?  No, if they want to marginalize me, they'll have to come up with the rationale to justify their bigotry. 

Being alive is a life sentence.  The rest is just details.

[warlockmaker]

Wow. I have a completely different view. I look at life as a blessing and the greatest miracle to live this life in human form. My buddhist beliefs allows to to appreciate each day and the wonders that it brings. I am not prejudiced nor persecuated for being who I was and who I have become. I have evolved from living a wonderful life as a male to now living a more wonderful life as a female.

I can only wonder how westerners perceive being TG by reading this forum. I am saddened by all your misery, fears and persecution. I understand that western society has educated its population with a certain pre conceived concepts of right, wrong and its ridigity in how to lead the good life, with the fear of eternal hell as a consequence. I think this causes your views to be so different from mine. I cannot and nor do I seek to answer the questions of life, that requires faith and for me there is no right or wrong answer, there is only the question.

I understand that many wish to experience being a complete female. Its not possible today but who know the future. I lived a full life and have 4 children, if children is what you feel makes your life complete then freeze your sperm or adopt.

We have the greatest gift to live two lives in a lifetime. Celebrate this gift of being TG.

[Sinclair]

Hi everyone. I've been living as a female for 2 years now. I'm already tired of explaining to people and trying to educate them about being trans. I can't even imagine another 60-65 years of it. Once someone finds out I'm trans no matter how much they say they fully accept me as female I know they don't.  Once they know I'm trans then that's all I am or ever will be to them. I'm having SRS next year and I should be happy about it and I am but I also started thinking about my life after SRS. I could try to be stealth but I would have to move to another state and I don't want to leave my family. And I don't think I can ever be totally stealth. There's always going to be something to mess it up. I was born male in 1998. I also graduated high school as a boy.  Those records are in the computer system and probably also in the cloud which means they are forever. I can change my birth certificate but those records of me being born male could still pop up at any time. Then also if anyone tested my DNA then it will test male and I would be outed. And then there is trying to have a normal relationship with a man. I would never have a relationship without telling him I'm trans. It would be starting a relationship with a lie. I tried talking myself into believing it wouldn't be a lie because I am female but that doesn't work. I was born male and that's something a man would consider like a very big deal. I also don't think I could be stealth in a relationship. How could I explain why a girl my age can't have children, doesn't have periods and has to take estrogen?  I maybe could make up some detailed lies that might work but it's not my nature to lie on that kind of scale.  Plus lies ALWAYS come unraveled eventually.

This is all really depressing me. I know there are CIS women who can't have kids. I also know they sometimes lose relationships because of it. It's not that I even want kids. To be honest I don't really even like them. But the fact I won't ever be able to have them is just the fact I'm not "real" slapping me in the face. I just feel like no matter how much hrt and surgery I have and no matter how well I pass I won't ever be a real woman. As hateful as that dick at work was I wonder if maybe he was right about me wearing a female costume I can't take off.
Julia

That's a profound and powerful post. I think your points effect younger people the most, and I sympathize with you. As I have stated before, I think transition works best for older people. We don't have the science to make young boys into girls in all the aspects you address. Yes, when I see commercials on TV for tampons, etc., I don't get that, and never will. When I see young cis females blossom into woman hood in ways I will never know, I wish I could get that. What keeps me motivated is that I'm a tweener ... by God's will, I'm mostly female but not all the way. It's my mission to explore that and be that person. It's imperfect, but it's who I am. I'm such a better looking female than most cis females at Walmart ... yes, I can't have kids, periods, etc., but I can be the fab woman I am in all other aspects, and that makes me happy.

[josie76]

I can only give you my perspective.

Being transgender has been a life sentence for me. However it has been so because I have lived 40 years in a prison of my own mental creation. I have suppressed, denied, and turned away from my own instincts and emotions. I lived as a cardboard version of my inner being. I spent a decade essentially hiding out from general society. Another trying to figure out why I could not be the man my wife kept wanting. Never finding happiness in life. Often my daughters have been my only reason to hold onto existence.

If I could have known that transition was possible at your age I would have found any way to do it. Back then cross dressers and transsexuals were only seen as made fun of in movies. At your age it's possible to become completely passable in society without surgeries and without being seen as extremely tall or large framed for a woman.

We can all understand the feeling of being less than cis women. Always carrying that male conditioning and feeling of not belonging. To imagine what life would be like to just have grown up being natural in our gender role in society. How happy that would be compared to what we experienced.

You have such an advantage transitioning young. Even with all your hardship you get to skip so much pain. Someday you will find a man who will love you for who you are. I know it may seem hard now. There are several ladies on this site who are now happily involved with the man of their dreams. It IS possible, even if our path is harder than other girls have. I know for me I feel that spark of realness. That feeling of being myself and maybe finding happiness in who I am for the first time in my life. You have a wonderful family. Your dad, brother, have both shown you much love and compassion. Dating is hard for everyone. I waited until my late twenties before even opening myself up to the possibility of it. People in your hometown may know who you are and your history, but in the city you are just another anonymous girl. You have so many opportunities ahead of you in life. Don't get caught up in a moment of depressive thought when so much life awaits you.

Hugs 

[Dan]

When I realized I was transgender male just a few months ago, I also realized that I had just been given the key to the door of my cell on death row. My true self, the male identity, spent 47 years on death row. I couldn't stay there any longer once I had the key. I needed to leave death row.

When I spoke with my doctor that I was going to undergo hormone treatment, she said that it it's going to be a hard path to take.  Probably. Reading people's stories here, it is hard. But so is staying on death row.

On the other hand, I am hopeful for the future, and your future is likely to be much longer than mine.  The more society is educated about what it means to be transgender, the more there are of us, the more accepting society will become of us, and we will be richer for it. It will be slow, but it will happen. You, Julia, will be one of the main beneficiaries of this change.

Hang in there, because what is the alternative? Go back to certain death row and let the real you slowly die? Or leave death row behind and help build a world in which we celebrate the amazing diversity that constitutes humanity?

There cis partners who have fallen in love with trans women/men, and there will always be such persons out there.  The younger you are, the easier it will be to find them. Stay optimistic, Julia.

[Gertrude]

At some point we have to ditch external validation. It'll drive one nuts.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[josie76]

At some point we have to ditch external validation. It'll drive one nuts.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Wow. That's a simple put truth!

Wish I could already. I need to hang out with some other trans girls in the city and start to just find confidence in my own being.

[Gertrude]

Wow. That's a simple put truth!

Wish I could already. I need to hang out with some other trans girls in the city and start to just find confidence in my own being.

me too

[jentay1367]

At some point we have to ditch external validation. It'll drive one nuts.


Sent from my idPhone using Tapatalk

Yea... very true and quite succinctly put. In the end the validation always rings of insincere charity in our paranoid brains. Regardless of what the actual reality may be. So of what real value is it anyways?
   We really do have to accept and get over ourselves at the end if we want to truly be happy.

[rmaddy]

It's ok to be trans.  For life.  Really.  It's a beautiful thing that you are, and if you are not convinced of this perhaps you need to meet more trans people.

It's your life, but going stealth seems to me like coming out of one closet and jumping into another.  The absolute best part of transition for me is that I am no longer someone with a dirty little secret.  I am not about to give that up.

[Kendra]

> We have the greatest gift to live two lives in a lifetime. Celebrate this gift of being TG.

^This^ viewpoint is what I aspire to. 

Not being able to live as my true self would be a life sentence. 

I am glad I am transgender. 

[Wendywishes]

I absolutely agree with what everyone has been saying, but I also see Julia's point of view.  I have been wondering a lot lately about not only where I want to be, but where we are going as a community into the future.  For me, it is about the traditional binary view of gender and how that is changing in society.

When I was younger (30+ years ago), it was all black-and-white for me.  I wanted to be a woman...not a transwoman, not a woman who used to be a man, but simply a woman.  I suppose this was my viewpoint because that is the way things were at the time...you were either a man or a woman, and there wasn't anything else.  Today, my expectations may have been tempered a bit by time and experience, but I still generally feel the same.  I may cognitively understand I will never be the woman I imagined as a kid, but it doesn't eliminate that desire.

Like people have mentioned above, being a transwoman/transman doesn't mean you are any less of a woman/man, and that you are yourself regardless of arbitrary gender labels.  This may be a little hard to explain and I don't intend to offend anyone, but for me it is sometimes difficult to understand that today being a transwoman/transman is becoming a goal, not just the arbitrary label for someone who transitioned...does that make sense?  Right or wrong, my goal was always to go "stealth" and never look back, living as a "normal" woman.  If in some bizarre scenario someone were to randomly ask me if I was a man or woman, I'd say "woman".  It seems now that more and more people would prefer to answer that question with "transwoman".  I would never have considered that 30 years ago.
 
Please understand I am definitely not judging anyone for their views or trying to spark an argument, but I wanted to express my understanding of Julia's point of view.

[Janes Groove]

Life is a life sentence, but it's better than the alternative. Problem free living is not an option. For anybody.
You're lovely. Enjoy your life.

[Steph Eigen]

One of my colleagues is known to say:  "Life is a fatal sexually transmitted disease."

[Steph Eigen]

Therefore, keep perspective on things.

[coldHeart]

I also think it depends on your mind set, I have struggled to except that I am a trans lesbian I will find it very hard to find some one else, to me being trans is a life sentence for us ones who are not blessed with prettiness we will look at are self's as just men in dresses yes some people well said that's nonsense but this women has turned my world up side down something I will never come to terms with.
Sara

[Ryuichi13]

Hi everyone. I've been living as a female for 2 years now. I'm already tired of explaining to people and trying to educate them about being trans. I can't even imagine another 60-65 years of it. Once someone finds out I'm trans no matter how much they say they fully accept me as female I know they don't.  Once they know I'm trans then that's all I am or ever will be to them. I'm having SRS next year and I should be happy about it and I am but I also started thinking about my life after SRS. I could try to be stealth but I would have to move to another state and I don't want to leave my family. And I don't think I can ever be totally stealth. There's always going to be something to mess it up. I was born male in 1998. I also graduated high school as a boy.  Those records are in the computer system and probably also in the cloud which means they are forever. I can change my birth certificate but those records of me being born male could still pop up at any time. Then also if anyone tested my DNA then it will test male and I would be outed. And then there is trying to have a normal relationship with a man. I would never have a relationship without telling him I'm trans. It would be starting a relationship with a lie. I tried talking myself into believing it wouldn't be a lie because I am female but that doesn't work. I was born male and that's something a man would consider like a very big deal. I also don't think I could be stealth in a relationship. How could I explain why a girl my age can't have children, doesn't have periods and has to take estrogen?  I maybe could make up some detailed lies that might work but it's not my nature to lie on that kind of scale.  Plus lies ALWAYS come unraveled eventually.

This is all really depressing me. I know there are CIS women who can't have kids. I also know they sometimes lose relationships because of it. It's not that I even want kids. To be honest I don't really even like them. But the fact I won't ever be able to have them is just the fact I'm not "real" slapping me in the face. I just feel like no matter how much hrt and surgery I have and no matter how well I pass I won't ever be a real woman. As hateful as that dick at work was I wonder if maybe he was right about me wearing a female costume I can't take off.
Julia

Okay, first and formost, I'm going to fuss at you.  I've been reading your posts for a while now, and even think of you as a friend.  However, you are TOTALLY focused on the wrong thing. 

When you talk to people, YOU ARE A WOMAN.

Not a "transwoman" (unless you want to out yourself to new people), not a girl (you're adult, after all), unless you commit a crime, your DNA won't get checked, and plenty of cis women are infertile for one reason or another.

Yeah, it sucks that you missed out on many things.  I missed out on  wet dreams, on having the option of turning down playing football and baseball in high school (I'm a nerd, we don't do physical sports), erections in school that make me need to cross my legs under my desk, and having my Dad teach me how to shave, among other things.  Sure, I would have loved to experience them, but what can I do?  Lament those facts forever, or I could do what I"m doing, which is moving forward as a man. 

I recently joined an anime club, and the members only know me as a man.  Not as a transman, but as a man.  I'm not going stealth, it simply isn't relevant as a member.  I don't plan on having sex with any of them, (as I'm in a relationship with a genderfluid man), so there is no need to educate anyone, nor for them to even know.  If they ask, or somehow find out, sure, I'll tell them...maybe.  And that's a huge maybe.  Its simply irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. 

Sure I felt guilty for "not outing myself," but as it was said to me when I went to my trans group and I said how I felt, "its simply not relevant unless I plan on having sex with any of them."  As you have read above, I have taken that thought to heart.

I now live my entire life is like that.  Unless its important, like to my PCP doctor, I don't tell anyone new.  My old friends I'll tell when/if I meet them (I'm in a different state now), but otherwise, I introduce myself as Ryuichi and hold out my hand to be shaken, like many other men do.  Its not stealth, its simply irrelevant for the most part for people to know I'm trans.   

I suppose what I"m saying is that, "unless its relevant for them to know, why should they?"

Live your life.  Be happy and enjoy being a "girl" (again, you're an adult).  You ARE one.

Ryuichi

[Dan]

.....

I suppose what I"m saying is that, "unless its relevant for them to know, why should they?"

Live your life.  Be happy and enjoy being a "girl" (again, you're an adult).  You ARE one.

Ryuichi

Absolutely.

[DawnOday]

Life sentence? Tell me about it. But you know what's worse is, trying to keep it secret for 64 years. Either way, you are lying. Either to family and friends or you are lying to yourself. Shakespeare said. "To thine own self be true" Sounds right to me. My last year has been mostly stress-free. I came clean to everyone that matters and so far we are working through it. I'm on HRT and that is about as far as i can go. I'm finally happy if not healthy. For the first time in about thirty years, I did not fill out a depression survey last time I visited the Doctor as I am beginning to feel normal. Although everyone says they are understanding, It's stll is a little strange for them. So I take their feelings into consideration. If I were younger it would be an entirely different story, but the ability to transition was just not available when I was in my twenties.the procedures were in their infancy. We also did not have the information trove that is the internet.