Here it goes.
I'm twenty years old, from Austria, an only child, and it only really clicked a bit more than a month ago that I'm most likely not a cis woman, even if I had... doubts before that, probably the first time I stumbled upon the words "transsexual" and "transgender" in a newspaper article, and some bits sounded oddly familiar. I never - really felt like I fit in anywhere before that.
These are the things I knew before I figured anything out (... warning for what is probably dysphoria?): I despise it when my hair gets too long, because it just feels
wrong. Dresses are somwhat okay at (rare) times, but when they don't make me want to scream, they feel more like wearing a costume for Halloween did than something that I actually like. The name my parents gave me, while a very nice name that I like on principle, never really felt like it was mine. I could never wear anything low-cut without feeling like throwing up because whenever I looked down or into the mirror, something was wrong. While I was rather disconnected from the word "girl", hearing "woman" just felt... alien, wrong. I tried introducing myself as "Hercules" (Disney movie, not mythology - tiny me didn't know Greek mythology back then) when I was... two-ish? - once. My mother corrected the kids I told that, and me, and I apparently didn't try again.
I tried to tell my mother (we'd always been close) that I didn't feel like a girl before I'd ever really known the concept of being trans existed, and the moment kind of ended up being burned into my brain.
"Do you want to be a boy, then?", she asked, in a tone that was verging on disapproval.
"No", I answered, and burst into tears.
I also despised it when people would label me as a boy, which stopped when puberty came, though I still can't tell whether it was because of the tone the statement was usually made in or because I genuinely don't feel like a boy. Sometimes I think it's half dozen of one, six of the other.
It took me more than twenty years to stumble upon the term "non binary", and really understand what it means. It fits - better than anything else ever has, so far, and I really like the word "enby", although I'll probably figure out more bits as I go along.
Some of the first people I came out to were my parents, with... mixed reactions. On the one hand, they actually helped me in getting a haircut (also, yay! Short hair again! I will never let it grow out again!
), a chestbinder, and allowed me to get some men's clothes on my own dime; on the other hand... if they could stop from complaining about any of these whenever we talk for more than half an hour, it would be great.
I get that having parents who don't either forcibly keep you in the closet or just plain get abusive or throw you out is a pretty big gift. Them helping me in some ways is an even greater one.
It still would be nice if they could not tell me whether I'm not worried people will think I look like a cancer victim with the lack of chest and short hair, have them start using my new name and stop using my old one - and properly, normally, none of this only using my new name in a tone that's dripping with disapproval and to start off yet another negative commentary - have them not scoff in annoyance whenever the topic comes up in conversation, no matter how tangentially; or not have to have the exact same discussions of "Well, do you want to be a boy, then? I really don't like the way your hair's so short/what you're doing with your chest. And those clothes! What about kids?" yet again; tell me they don't really get what non binary means and when I offer to explain, tell me they don't have time - for... several not actually that busy weeks now and after I printed reading material and definitions for them to read on their own, which they still haven't looked at. It only feels worse because we've always been close.
I'm currently just hoping it'll get better - it probably will, but right now, it really sucks.
Uh... happier things. I study in Vienna, but am not from there, like maths and sciences - especially chemistry, and want to become a teacher for both of these - currently, since it's the summer holidays, I'm stuck back at where I grew up which is... honestly not a place I like very much or have friends in; there's some nearby-ish, but none in the village I actually live. So it's just me and my parents, usually.
I love to read, recently mostly online fiction, whether fan or original (it's free + my reading speed's high enough that's relevant). I also like writing, though I'm admittedly an amateur in both the modern and original sense of the word. My first language is German, which is something that shines through occasionally in certain phrases, spelling mistakes, and my (over)use of punctuation.
I just - kind of wish to find a place to find community, and not feel alone, or out of place in. Where I can talk about my issues a bit.
... or a lot, looking at that word vomit above.
Sal
PS: Since I'm kind of new here, any advice? Things I should look at or check out on this forum?
