Well yeah that's me!

[AlyssaJ]

I've heard and seen trans women in particular describe the sense of looking in the mirror and feeling disconnected from the reflection they saw.  On some level I guess I had the same experience but never really identified it.  Instead I always assumed that feeling was that I didn't like my appearance and wanted to look more masculine or something.  When I looked at pictures of myself, I always felt somewhat surprised like "oh that's what I look like?" but again never connected it with dysphoria or anything.  I guess I got really good at ignoring and denying my feelings.

Well today suddenly, I've had an experience that has caused me to finally realize how much of a disconnect there was.  I was sharing some of the pictures from my most recent photo shoot with a friend on Facebook. As they popped up in the window and I looked at them, I suddenly realized all those feelings I used to get while looking at pictures were absent.  When I saw the picture of me on the bridge, I was totally connected with the fact that it was me in the picture.  I'm sure many of you know the feeling so please forgive my inability to put it in words any better than that.

So I'm sitting here now, thinking back on how I used to feel looking at pictures and in the mirror and realizing just how much worse my dysphoria really was.  Apparently I got very good at compartmentalizing things and never put all of it together.  I guess that was my coping mechanism and it worked for 39 years.  However, I'm now discovering all new levels of comfort and peace I didn't realize even existed and I'm realizing what I took to be normal for so many years simply wasn't.  It's weird, like I'm seeing that I was in discomfort and didn't know it because it was the only thing I had ever known.

Sorry I'm rambling but this was a pretty significant feeling today that brought tears to my eyes and re-energized me at the same time.

[KathyLauren]

It's weird, like I'm seeing that I was in discomfort and didn't know it because it was the only thing I had ever known.

Yes!!  I get that feeling often.  I'll be thinking about something in my past and all of a sudden it will fall into place and I'll realize, "OMG.  That was dysphoria too.  I though that was normal."  I realize now that I'd never known what normal was.  My whole life up until last year was dysphoria.

[Anne Blake]

I can't believe how totally I respond to what both of you are saying. The past ten or so months have been cascading realizations of just how much what I used to consider to be normal life was merely surviving at best! And life now stands so strongly in contrast.....on so many different levels, particularly on sensorial and emotional levels. Wow, thank you for bringing this to my attention...you two just made my day. And yes, I am crying too.

Anne

[anne_indy]

Dear Alyssa - I have loved reading your posts. I've been on HRT about the same amount of time as you, but because of circumstances I am taking a much slower approach to transition.

I so identify with the feelings you have expressed. For me, it was my first ever shopping expedition as Anne, with Anne Blake and her wife. Anne's wife recommended that I try on a top and cami in a women's store. Talk about stage fright, I had never in my life been out in public as Anne until that weekend. To match the tops, I also tried on a long skirt. Once changed I vividly remember coming out and looking in the full length mirrors near the changing rooms. I clearly saw ME and was overjoyed to see the woman that I always thought was there. What a difference from looking in the mirrors as a male and never being satisfied with the image looking back at me.

To me it validated the reality of the deep dysphoria that we experience. And when we are able see ourselves congruently with that mental wiring, it is an amazing and humbling experience.

Anne (from the East)


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[Rachel_Christina]

I remember this feeling too, at times I still get it, looking in the mirror and feeling nothing.
It's a very sad position to be in, I remember when I was 6-7-8 all the way up to maybe 13-14 dressing and feeling amazing, after that I started to get ugly and I stopped dressing, I no longer looked like a female. I felt disgusted with what I saw.
It's amazing at the time I knew I should say something and I knew if I was to do it it was early.
I still ended up waiting another 10 years... So sad to think I lived with such fear.

The feeling of connect you have now is great, I am really starting to feel it now myself.