Giving up on GRS for now

[findingreason]

Looking at my mental health situation I think I am going to have to consider giving up on the prospect of gender reassignment surgery for right now. The doctor at the gender clinic held me back from a referral to surgery back in April due to my mental health hospitalizations I've had, which has been about 6-7 between December 2015 and February 2017. She said it wouldn't be until at least December when I could get a referral, they want me out of the hospital for a while, like a year or so. And when I'm on the waiting list it sounded like I need to stay out of the hospital for that time period too.

The problem comes that I've had several close calls with suicidal behavior and I've been intentionally staying out of mental health hospital for the sake of getting my referral. But I know good and well I needed to be in hospital. I will also be talking to my psychiatrist tomorrow about discontinuing my antipsychotic because it is affecting my cognition (concentration, trouble speaking, and memory problems). I'm in denial I have issues with psychotic disorder stuff. I wish they weren't the case. I want to see if I can go without medication but part of me is aware I could go psychotic again despite the denial. It would probably result in a hospitalization. Pushing me further away from my goal.

Additionally my depression and concentration problems has made keeping up with self care and self hygiene very difficult to impossible. I'm not sure I'm ready for the self care regimen and it's intensity with keeping clean, and dialation. It's all got me down. I just want to give up on it for now and realize it's going to be a while...

[JulieOnHerWay]

You are wise in listening to your care givers.  You have those psychiatric issues to deal with before you will find satisfaction in going through the ordeal of GRS.  Besides, there are many steps you can take while your life settles down and you learn some life skills.  Like, present as gender of your choice, live as that gender, talk about the possibilities of HRT.  GRS is usually the last step of transitioning anyway. 
Listen to those that care about you, be patient and make GRS a long term goal.
Good luck sweetie

[Dena]

Recovery from GCS can be grueling so it's best to have your head in the right place before undergoing it. I know how long you have been working toward this goal but possibly a change in medication or other treatment can help you get more control over your life. Take good care of yourself and let us know if we can help you.

[findingreason]

You are wise in listening to your care givers.  You have those psychiatric issues to deal with before you will find satisfaction in going through the ordeal of GRS.  Besides, there are many steps you can take while your life settles down and you learn some life skills.  Like, present as gender of your choice, live as that gender, talk about the possibilities of HRT.  GRS is usually the last step of transitioning anyway. 
Listen to those that care about you, be patient and make GRS a long term goal.
Good luck sweetie

Yeah, and the issues I have are persistent and long term. Since my breakdown in late 2015 I haven't been able to function as a member of society, let alone handle myself. Fortunately I'm on HRT since Jan 2015 and have been presenting full time since Aug 2015, name and gender marker all changed.

Recovery from GCS can be grueling so it's best to have your head in the right place before undergoing it. I know how long you have been working toward this goal but possibly a change in medication or other treatment can help you get more control over your life. Take good care of yourself and let us know if we can help you.

I agree. I'm supposed to be going into rehab at some point (referral appointment for that is in September), and starting DBT therapy as well (not sure when though, been waiting for 7 months without any estimate as to when it will start). My estrogen dose was increased recently as well which has helped my mood improve. Hopefully between that and treatment, I can start feeling better and become more productive in my life. I've had so many problems with being too tired to even do anything; many days I've just stayed in bed and wasted the days away. I'm not half as sharp as I used to be mentally and maybe one day I will have that back.

[LizK]

Combine feeling depressed with Antipsychotic meds and it is no wonder you feel tired. Maybe you could negotiate a reduction as  first step and see how it goes maybe looking to a future date to finally be done with them. You are the best judge as to wether any of the meds help or not.

Maybe dealing with this suicidal stuff nay have longer term benefits for you. I know you don't really want to delay your GCS but would it be better for you to get this  stuff sorted first.

I hope you can work it out soon

[findingreason]

Combine feeling depressed with Antipsychotic meds and it is no wonder you feel tired. Maybe you could negotiate a reduction as  first step and see how it goes maybe looking to a future date to finally be done with them. You are the best judge as to wether any of the meds help or not.

Maybe dealing with this suicidal stuff nay have longer term benefits for you. I know you don't really want to delay your GCS but would it be better for you to get this  stuff sorted first.

I hope you can work it out soon

Yeah, well since my psychiatrist wasn't supportive about me discontinuing the meds I'm taking matters into my own hands. Read a lot about others experiences coming off of it and I'm gonna taper it down myself. I want to see if I can cope without them. Also, having no energy, concentration problems, memory problems, trouble speaking...I never used to. I have read it can be both caused by antipsychotics and by psychosis episodes themselves (had one in Mar 2016, and then brief episodes in December 2016/January 2017). But yeah, I'm good at denying hallucinations when they happen, I can usually tell they're not real. It's the delusions that get me. Gosh, I wish they didn't happen.

[LizK]

 I don't know how you manage the Hallucinations, that must be so hard. I don't know that I would be able to cope, I have experienced the odd hallucination as a side effect of drugs and they were not much fun. Those antipsychotics are powerful drugs and I don't doubt for one second that they caused the list of side effects you describe. None of which are pleasant.

I hope you can get it sorted out