Why I'm here

[Reb_]

Soooooooooooooooooo... I'm 25 now, and I've been thinking about my gender for about... 3 years. I've always told myself I should think about it after I got my life together, but my psychologist told me that maybe the reason I can't do it is because of dysphoria.
It all started when I was very little, before my parents diverted (I has 4 when that happened). I have the memory of thinking I wanted to be a girl and use a skirt.
Years pass, I watch Ranma ½, an anime about a boy that can turn into a girl when he gets wet with cold water. For some reason I always thought I'd love to have that "curse", but only dismissed it because I thought it was gay to think that (how close minded I was...)
More years pass and I'm 22. Me and my friends were playing "would you rather" and one of the "bad things" was change sex every time you sneeze, and all I could think about was how much I'd love to have that... So I question why.
I talked to a good friend of mine who had to research about gender and sexuality for school, so she help me quite a bit.
Some time later, I had a big crisis. A friend of mine had found out I had my doubts and told my other friends because he was worried that was the reason I was like that.
After all that passed, he told me he knew and accepted me as I was (which is impressive knowing he used to be a homophobe 4 years ago), and my other friends did too.
And we are finally in the present. I'm still thinking and worrying about this things, trying to decide who I am and if I want to transition. I cross-dress from time to time, fells good wearing girls clothes, but then I think about how masculine I look and how fat I am and get sad and undress.
Some times I wish I could rip off my skin... But I can't imagine what skin I would put on later...
I believe the reason I'm most afraid of the change is that I fear end up looking like now but with a dress, I JUST WANT TO FEEL PRETTY, IS THAT SO BAD?
I wish I could know how I would look if I transitioned.
Anyway... I been talking nonsense for long enough. If you read it all, thank you so much you beautiful person.
I would ask for advice but I don't even know what I want to know. Thanks again for reading to my thoughts.
Bye bye :3

[JulieOnHerWay]

Hey Reb
Read your introduction and this one too(obviously).
Listen to your psychologist.  i think (s)he has some good advice for you.  There is not reason you have to linearly track your issues.  You are a big person and can do 2 things at once.  So work on keeping your bipolar under control AND explore your transgender possibilities. Do not think about all the step you have to take.  Just think about the next small goal or challenge and overcome it. 
When you are dressing I suggest that you internalize the experience not externalize it.  Don't look in the mirror.  Don't think of how you look.  We have all been there.  I suggest that if you want to avoid the thought of seeing "a guy in a dress", don't wear a dress.  There are lots of other womens clothes to choose from that will help relieve the dysphoria.  It how i avoid that hmm moment myself.  Besides skirts are fine with a nice top and do not give me the horrors.  So my friend do your work, be honest with yourself and your therapist.
If you read some of the other posts you will realize we are a varied lot.  Bu the one thing we have in common that we are working thru this thing on our own terms and our own ways.  Some fast.  Some slow.  Some find a happy medium.  And are usually better for it.
Then one day in the future you will be your true authentic self with a bunch of life left to live.

[Laurie]

Hi again Reb,

   I'm Laurie, remember me? Yup like a bad weed I have returned. Your thought here are a good continuation of your intro thread. I goes into what your were saying there a little bit deeper and helps to explain just where you are i trying to figure out just who you are and where you fit in. Do you fit in here with us? Absolutely! Just the fact that you are questioning your gender makes you a card carrying member here. We welcome you with open arms.
   Unfortunately we cannot tell you just how you fit in. You will have to decide that for yourself. We will help you with your questions. We will try to give you support when you need it. And we can be here just to listen if that is what you need too. We can provide you with information and tell you our own experiences. But we cannot make your gender choices for you. Helping you discover your own answers is where your psychiatrist or possible a gender therapist  can help you. They are more qualified to guide you in things you need to consider.
   Regardless Reb, we want to help you as much as we can. But you have to do the real work yourself.
  And no Reb, there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel pretty. nothing at all.
  I am glad you are here Reb,

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Reb_]

Thanks Laurie and Julie, you make me feel like home, and have very good advice, I think I'd like it here :3

[HoneyStrums]

When it comes to clothes, sometimes the things we like dont like us back.

What I mean with this is, for years I would see something I like, then try it on, and if it didnt fit i hated myself for it not fitting, blaming masculine this or that about myself.

And then, if it did fit, I would see my big manly arms, or my broad manly shoulders and hate myself. Sometimes if it did fit and look nice on the top half, i did fill the bottom half out, and I would hate myself. Stupid not wide enough man hips.

I recently went shopping, with my counsellor for some RT "Retail Therapy"
And On my journey of self discovery I realised, that I put these issues down to being trans, I judge myself and blame myself without giving a second though to the real reason these clothes don't fit or look good on me.

It is because they didn't fit on me, not that I didn't fit in them. And with the ones that did fit, it was because they didn't suit me and looked bad on me, Not that I looked bad in them.

Work With the parts of your body you cant change, woman all over do this all the time. Look for what suits you aswell as what you like.