Dealing with a suppressed life, becoming you

[amandam]

When I was younger, I was a skinny kid, not very masculine, an outsider. Other boys knew something was different. I still had friends, though. When I joined the Marines, guys would ask me if I was "sweet". After the Marines, I sat on a Harley at the Harley Shop cause it looked fun. Another guy laughed at me. I started my journey into manhood. I took martial arts, I lifted, I got manly/biker/etc tattoos, I acted different.

Once a girlfriend outed my crossdressing to all of my friends. I lost all of my friends. I shook for days, anxiety taking hold. I stopped being as happy and friendly as I was. I increased my manliness. I became the stoic, quiet man. Once my martial art teacher asked me where the happy, friendly guy was. I didn't know how to answer.

I became somewhat of an expert in the manly arts of martial arts, and weapons both old and new. I am not a tough guy and I am afraid to fight, but I seriously doubt there are many who can take me. So, my manliness appeared to be on solid ground.

Enter gender dysphoria. Some of you have seen my other posts (a whole other story which is not needed to be repeated here). I am transgendered. I might even be transsexual. I don't know yet.

To have peace, I must become one with myself. I even posted here about a "slight" lengthening of my nails which freaked me out, "They'll know!", etc.

So, I have this massive masculine identity that I've built. I must let it go. The thought of doing so is causing me anxiety. I viscerally respond to it. How do you break down a life that you've spent your entire life building up? I can't even move toward making myself like David Bowie without cringing. How did you do it?

[Megan.]

I didn't do the macho thing,  but I ate enough to get to the size of a truck, a buzz cut,  and a genuine interest in engineering and tech enabled me to just about interact with more liberal guys.
I was paranoid beyond ridiculousness,  but my journey was just many little steps,  each time I'd reflect on how I felt about them. Tiny things like using moisturiser every day,  skinny cut jeans,  getting my brows shaped (plenty of men do this),  and getting a back/chest wax. All these things are acceptable by most people,  but they let you focus at least a bit on the more feminine beauty regime.
At any point on that journey,  you can pause,  stop or even go back,  until you find where you feel comfortable.  X

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[xxchristina22]

When my gender dysphoria hit during my masculine phase I decided to see a LGBT psychologist. We talked and determined the male part of me is the phase, not the female part. It was a big eye opener and I decided to embrace it since. It wasn't easy but I've found friends support me when I never thought they would. I recommend talking to a psychologist as the first steps

[KathyLauren]

I spent most of my life in that state of paralysis.  What changed was that the dysphoria got worse over time.  Eventually, my need to do something about it got to be stronger than my desire to not rock the boat.

I was feeling resentful about being trapped in a life that wasn't mine.  And when I looked at the likely future, I was horrified that it would be more of the same, getting worse all the time.  I realized that going on the way I had been was not an option.  I couldn't see going into my senior years shut-down and depressed, never having had a chance to be myself.  I had to do something, and I couldn't wait any longer to do it.

It was a chance encounter with a trans person that broke it all open for me.  She was delivering a lecture to an audience of mostly nerds.  While she was fairly obviously trans, there was no muttering or tittering about it from the audience.  They were there to hear an interesting lecture and that was what they got.  It was when I realized that a trans person could function well in normal society that I started investigating it for myself.

My biggest stumbling block was getting up the nerve to tell my wife.  It took me months.  But I reminded myself of that vision of me as a miseable old man, and eventually, I just took a deep breath and told her.  Happy ending.

[HappyMoni]

To have peace, I must become one with myself. I even posted here about a "slight" lengthening of my nails which freaked me out, "They'll know!", etc.

So, I have this massive masculine identity that I've built. I must let it go. The thought of doing so is causing me anxiety. I viscerally respond to it. How do you break down a life that you've spent your entire life building up? I can't even move toward making myself like David Bowie without cringing. How did you do it?

Amanda,
   You have  a lot of good questions I think. You are right that some things may have to be let go. The  best thing I can offer to maybe make it more doable for you is to say that you don't do it all at one time.  I am full time over a year, on HRT over two, and I am still letting things go from my male identity. If you are moving to a more feminine identity, of course, it will not have you confident at first, it is all new to you.  The old male identity was safe, but it you are trans, it may not be comfortable. The way I see it, there is no way for most folks not to have an awkward period. You just work through it. It is still crazy for me sometimes to be able embrace things that were denied to me all my life. I find the more I do it, the easier it gets. Don't let the fear rule you.
Moni

[JoanneB]

I came to view my somewhat hyper-masculine aspects as part of that Hollywood facade of "maleness" I needed to have to survive. You said it best, "OMG! They will all KNOW" over the slightest slip up, like actually having a finger nail! Forget crying like a girl during a tear jerker movie. Guys tend to be driven to out-guy (or is it out-stupid) other guys. To fit in and feel that we can be male in some way, we blend in. I call it being a Chameleon. I could fit in with most groups of guys except jocks. Something about being a big fat and easy target, or "Once bitten twice shy".

On the other-hand many of those traits, or talents, I picked up over the decades all have become part of me. Important parts of me too. Because I like girly-girl does that mean I can't do a brake job and change the wheel bearings on my SUV as long as it's all apart?  Need an electrical outlet on that wall over there? I got all the stuff needed on the shelf. Cleaning up probably takes longer then doing the job. Or do I magically now have to pay somebody a lot of money to do a relatively simple job because I am not a hairy chested nut-scratcher.

The "Hairy chested" and "Nut scratching" part I had no issue with loosing as part of my transitioning into a for real person. Whoever that may turn out to be. "Becoming at one with oneself" to me does not imply loping off bits of yourself. Oh wait, bad analogy   

Everything you have done in life is part of you. Both the wanted and unwanted things. They all went into making You. Aspects you don't like can often be changed. For me a biggie was that lifeless soulless thing I morphed into over decades of beating Joanne down and building up an even more extravagant Hollywood facade of a guy. As a healed myself from the inside, worked on loosing the Shame & Guilt that provided the negative energy needed, I began so see and even experience joy. I even began to sort of learn who I really am.

I did not "Loose" my masculine identity. It simply got lost in all the rest of the clutter of unwanted feelings, thoughts, and coping skills as I adopted far more healthier ways of moving through life. I gained getting a better handle on who and what I really am. Skills learned, the talents acquired, the knowledge learned are all still part of me. Some like non-linear differential equation solving are bound to fall to the wayside. Another talent acquired and un-needed in my life after uni. Heck, it's been ages since I needed to put an engine back together. I may have to crack open a book if I have to that again. But then... I may break a nail Best just buy a new car

[amandam]

So many words of wisdom that speak to my heart. Thank you all.

[JenniferLopezgomez]

If you know in your heart that you are female, this likely will eventually come to the surface. Don´t feel pressured to make major decisions -- take time if you need to -- but then again, for me and many others, eventually the Truth about oneself fully comes out.

Very early in my transition some years ago, I received a couple of very excellent pieces of advice -- one online, and one in person --

1) The first very excellent piece of advice I received was "Jennifer, only YOU can decide if you are truly JENNIFER. Others can help you -- friends, professionals like doctors, and so on. But in the end, only YOU can know and decide what your gender truly is." This advice came in real life, face to face, in Spanish from a Black female friend of mine. Wow was she ever correct !!!

2) The second very excellent piece of advice I received a short time later was "Jennifer, if you are debating whether to live ALL aspects of your life as a woman 24 / 7 or not, I advise you to simply take the plunge and JUST DO IT so long as you can financially survive it." This advice came online from in English from a trans female friend in Canada.

Regarding Advice # 2 -- I went full-time female in ALL aspects of my life -- work, shopping, online, dating men, dancing, dressing, travelling, legal documents, medical certification -- all within 2 to 4 months of receiving Advice # 2.

Jennifer xx

[amandam]

I don't know if I could transition. So many things pop up in my mind. I have 3 grown kids, and I've always wanted to be the grandpa I and my kids have never had. I'm still married and there's the aspect of the golden years that are coming up. We can have a decent life financially, not rich, not poor. If I could go back and start over as a girl, yes, I could do that. Transition now? Gives me pause. I really don't know if I could. What's in my mind right now is managing symptoms. If I can move more fem, reduce dysphoria, and improve my mental health, that would probably create little damage to the current situation. I guess my list of preferred outcomes goes something like this:

1. Be born a girl, start over. Not gonna happen.
2. Be TS when young and transition. Too late.
3. Manage symptoms, partial transition - thin out body, electrolysis, etc. Seems the best outcome at this point.
4. Full on transition. Only if I had to, it's not a need at this point, even if part of me would like that.

Guess I'm down to number 3. I think my goal is not to be stressed out over this, to completely accept myself, to be who I am meant to be while not being destructive of my usually pleasant life.

[Dena]

This gets sticky because one of the possibilities used by people who chose #3 is HRT. HRT can help however it does have it's side effects and not everybody is willing to stop there once they get a taste of what's possible. However we do have member who have spend a good deal of time using approach #3.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,130268.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218060.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,209589.0.html

[amandam]

Oh believe me, I know it's scary! The slippery slope of HRT. My goal is to lessen my anxiety problem AND accept myself. Of course, I may be a binary girl, that's the scary part. What if I lose weight, do electrolysis, etc. and then I discover, "hey, I'm looking really good and this is so cool. I want more!". Do I not aspire to be a wise and good grandpa? Yeah, no, don't see myself as grandma. No one said having kids was easy...

I'm trying to do this as delicately as possible, and not freak me out <stop shaking Amanda>. I can lose weight, do laser/electrolysis on hands/feet, possibly face as a start. I kinda want to leave HRT out of this for now. Taking on too much might overwhelm me.

[Dena]

That however is the problem. Suppressing your testosterone levels can often reduce your dysphoria. The problem is that it feels so good that often people want to go the rest of the way because it's a sign that they should have always been female. Funny thing is it works the same in FTMs. You can pretty well tell when the testosterone starts kicking in because they become much more mellow in their posting.

[JoanneB]

1. Be born a girl, start over. Not gonna happen.

Next lifetime I am hoping for, when I have different lessons to learn or tests to pass

2. Be TS when young and transition. Too late.

I'm glad I had 2 utter fail transition "experiments". I was young, stupid, ill informed, and ill prepared for the challenges coming from my dysfunctional family background in the late 70's

3. Manage symptoms, partial transition - thin out body, electrolysis, etc. Seems the best outcome at this point.
4. Full on transition. Only if I had to, it's not a need at this point, even if part of me would like that.

Guess I'm down to number 3. I think my goal is not to be stressed out over this, to completely accept myself, to be who I am meant to be while not being destructive of my usually pleasant life.

Actually the same option depending on how you want to balance the equation. Do what you can to manage the GD while trying to balance all the other important aspects of you, your life and "The Us". Heal your self from the inside to gain the strength to take the Trans-Beast on for real. To rail against the Shame & Guilt which leads to many other self destructive behaviors. Actually learn what is is to be You. The real you and not that facade you relied on for years "To get by"

HRT, either E or an AA is a tool. I totally hate the idea the ME of all people needs some sort of drug to survive. Yet each and every time I tried to end that dependence, I learned that same lesson again that I do need it. Not just to survive, but to feel joy, to feel and be alive.

We can't know, much less control, the future.

[amandam]

I guess I am still fighting this. I have major road blocks up everywhere. While intellectually I want to become more fem and find peace, my manly facade does not want to die.

I thought the war in my mind would get harder when I started dealing with this.

[gowdavid24]

I'm going through something pretty similar at the moment. Bit by bit I've slowly started to come to the realization I'm a female at heart. At the same time, my male ego tells me to just suck it up and deal with the hand you've been dealt because you think now is tough? I dread the thought of having to come out to all my friends and family. Although I still struggle on a day to day basis because the world does not see the real me and that leaves me feeling disconnected..at the same time you can't help but think that feeling won't go away because it'll never be enough to just change how people see you on the outside until you learn to accept who you are on the inside.


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[Rachel_Christina]

Yep that is the worst part about the manly facade, it becomes self sustaining, automatic.
It takes huge efforts to get passed it.
For me one of my worst and still the hardest feature to get passed, is my way of talking.
Having a rough masculine way of talking was always the first wall of defence when meeting new people. My voice and manner of talking was always my first defence, often put up way before I even need to.
Also ariving in new area with new people in Japanese car from the 90s with a twin turbo always turned me instantly into a "cool guy"
You have built a tough shell, and your feminine soul struggles to catch a breath deep beneath it's walls.
You can silence this voice, I got very close. The voice would be silenced and live would role by until one day it will spark again.
The silencing of our true spirit is what kills us, walking around dead until she takes a breath again. And then all the memories come back, and you realise the time wasted.
I could see myself going down this path.
I had done it for a while. I am lucky it did not go on for too long.

Please help yourself, avoid walking around dead! Be you girl
Love Rachel

[KathyLauren]

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[Sophia Sage]

Letting go isn't easy, Amanda.  It's okay.

Here's something you can do that might help.  Give yourself a week, maybe two, to do this. 

Get a nice piece of construction paper or cardstock, 11" x 17".  Get a bunch of (cheap, used) magazines, magazines that have pictures in them that remind you of the persona you've constructed all your life.  Cut out those picture, those words, anything and everything that resonates.  Some of the resonances will be the things you've liked.  Some of them will be things that you don't.  Put the "positive" ones on one side of the cardstock.  Arrange them pleasantly, a lovely bit of collage.  On the other side, do the same with the "negative" ones.  All the things you don't like, that's where they go, on the other side.  Use a paste stick to affix everything to the cardstock. 

You might arrange the collage to look like a face.  Or on the other side, like a motorcycle.  Or whatever.  Whatever suits your fancy.  Keep doing this until both sides are completely filled up.  (Like, when I did this many many years ago, there were pictures of Bogart, and smoking, and Frankenstein's monster, and computers, and such.  There were also picture of animals, and stained glass, some favorite movies, and words like "strong" and "stoic" and "smart.")  Whatever ever it is that resonates for you, that's all that matters.

And then let us know when you're done. 

[amandam]

I might have to think about that one. What I realized is that if I obsess too much, it increases my anxiety about my situation. I have to make myself slow down. I suppose it's easy to get yourself mentally worked up over this.

[Sophia Sage]

I might have to think about that one. What I realized is that if I obsess too much, it increases my anxiety about my situation. I have to make myself slow down. I suppose it's easy to get yourself mentally worked up over this.

Think of it this  way -- such a project is way to externalize your feelings, including those of anxiety.  This kind of externalization is a way to let go.