Dealing with a suppressed life, becoming you

[echo7]

Indecision is a strong indication of the need for therapy so  resume therapy and don't miss an appointment.

This is SO true.  You may think you don't need more therapy, but if you're struggling with this much indecision, then you need therapy more than you realize.

[amandam]

You're all so right. I think I cancelled it out of fear. I emailed the therapist and said I'd remake the appt. I have to wait until Tuesday to do that. I've also decided to grow my hair out. One of those medium length slicked back guy haircuts. I can unslick it and style it in girl mode. Another safety measure, but it's better than the short hair I have now.

[amandam]

I changed my avatar. I found a pic that matched (mostly) one of my dreams. It's of a girl who I would have looked like if born female, or if I transitioned before puberty. While I love That Girl, it's not me.

[amandam]

I have my next therapy appt. near the end of February. I think when I cancelled the December appt. out of fear, it may have been a good thing. It gave me more time to calm down and think.

Part of my current problem is that I've spent so much of my time being John Wayne that I resist becoming a less masculine man. I looked at some old pics of myself and I was a skinny kid, not very masculine, not aggressive. A lot of the guys would think I was gay. I could see why. I would say I was somewhat androgynous, I had many feminine traits. I would post a pic, but I'm chicken right now.

So, when I meet the therapist, not only am I going to talk about trans issues, but I also have a hurdle to get past. To get to a more fem presentation, I have to also get to, and accept while doing it, the fem man I used to be. I have to lose the muscle mass and fat without internally resisting. I have to keep letting my hair grow, without internally resisting. Etc.

Know what I mean?

[EmmaRenee19]

Amanda, I can relate to much of what you are saying. I held on to this musculin persona until I could no longer do so. I held on because I didn't know how not to. He was my protector for as long as I could remember. But holding on drove me to a very dark place, and I ultimately found myself at a fork in the road. I knew I couldn't go on as things were. It wasn't easy and still isn't. But all of the trials and tribulations have been worth it.

I hope you can find some peace within yourself, and whatever you decide, I hope it makes you happy.

[amandam]

And I had another dream about being a woman. This time, I was a cute blonde about 18. I was talking with a friend of mine who also was a young, cute, blonde. I'm like, wtf. 

[amandam]

Just an update, this is kinda like my blog.

My crossdressing is almost non-existent, except for wearing panties. I do that daily. Sometimes I want to crossdress but there is no time without someone being home. When I get a chance, like this morning, I just locked the bedroom door and put on a night gown. I just don't "feel" like I used to, a fetishist ->-bleeped-<- having to dress all girly and sexy. I feel like I'm more "normal" in my female proclivities. If that makes sense.

I'm keeping my nails short but now I take care of them instead of just cutting them. I want them to look good. I am still using the Tria and the hair is going away. On my fingers, only a few grow back, but very slow. When I'm pretty sure they're done, I'll start on my hands. I'm doing some on my hands, but I'll do all of it soon.

I shaved my armpits. Where the Tria has been used, it grows back less than 25 percent as fast. I see some bald patches too. I might Tria my whole pits, we'll see. I kinda like the "female" pattern they are now with the partial Tria treatment. It feels good to have "female patterned" armpit hair.

My hair is growing out. It was cut almost as short as a crewcut. I can comb it now. Not too much trouble with cowlicks. I'm going to grow it medium length and comb it back, like older bikers do. Not slicked back hard, looser. Hopefully, I can get it cut so it looks good if I want to style it like a woman would. It would be nice to not need wigs.

I haven't lifted weights. I feel like the tone has gone down on my arms. Also, I am cutting back on junk. I want to lose weight and remove the fat and muscle from my upper body. My lower body is about a size 14, my upper about a 16. I want to get to 14 all over, if not lower. At size 14, bra size 38, all the women's fashions open up to you.

I decided I want breasts. Yes, I would like that. I don't know if I'll ever do it.

The biggest thing right now, is I am obsessed, or should I say OBSESSED! with transition videos on Youtube and googling pictures. I used to google stuff like sissy memes, or women forcing you to wear their clothes, etc. Now I mostly google MTF before and after pics and videos. I am always in the female role mentally if I need to release my tension.

I am letting loose emotionally some. I can sleep now. I let myself walk more naturally. With "slightly" wide hips, I let them sway naturally when I walk if no one is around. They do this on their own if I relax. I am also letting the rest of my body relax more. It seems more "natural" to me if I let some of the fem mannerisms out. I'm not "acting" fem, it just happens, my arms flow more, stand with one hip out, etc. if you know what I mean. I have to be careful though, not out, so I try to only let it happen when alone.

All of this is happening and I don't feel the need to crossdress. It's weird to me. It's not what I expected. In the beginning I figured if I moved toward self-acceptance, my desire to crossdress would increase.

BTW, changed my avatar to Cocinelle. One of my heroes. I idolize her.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Amandam

I see you have been exploring for some time just like me.

I have been crossdressing and bodyshaving for over 40 years but like you I don't have the great desire to spend so much time on the crossdressing as long as I can simply wear female clothing - no special standard or fashion.

Crossdressing is not the point to me as I definitely want something more. I am also in therapy. I can no longer pretend I am a man. I feel I need HRT urgently and I feel I will ultimately transition but not as yet as I cannot pass.

So realizing we are transgender and taking some action, we both lose the desire to crossdress just for crossdressing's sake.

Pamela

[amandam]

Seeing the gender therapist tomorrow. Wanted to document where I feel I am at.

1.    A marked incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics

The more I tried to make my body more manly, the more angry, etc. I stayed.

2.    A strong desire to be rid of one's primary and/or secondary sex characteristics

Yes, remove all hair. Lose muscle and male-patterned fat. Get electrolysis on face. Not sure on Mr. Thingie. I've already got rid of all my tattoos. I mostly do not like looking like a man.

3.    A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender

Yes. I would like to have breasts and hips "if I could be accepted with them". Not sure otherwise.

4.    A strong desire to be of the other gender

Every single day. Mostly all day long. I admit there are moments where I could take it or leave it, I feel kinda meh, and think it's okay I'm a guy. But then the feeling comes back. I used to ask myself if I could be a woman if I was completely unattractive, I said no. Then I thought, maybe that question is unfair, as unfair as desiring to be the more attractive women I see. I then started asking myself if I could be "me" transitioned into a woman. This gave me pause. Could I accept that? Possibly.

5.    A strong desire to be treated as the other gender

By women, yes, I like to have female friends and hang out with them. I don't care for guy friends. I would love to be one of them and socialize as a woman.

6.    A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender

I absolutely believe this. It answers so many questions.

[JoanneB]

re: #4  I would credit that to the 3D's; Diversions, Distractions & Denial. Keep yourself totally preoccupied with a list of "Have To's" to overwhelmed by them, it is fairly easy to let the GD crap wind up on the bottom of of the pile of things to do

For me, my 1 hour commute (each way) and parts of the evenings & weekend are the worse. Those are when I do most of my crying. Otherwise I have too much other stuff to worry about.

[AnnMarie2017]

Perhaps, the more feminine I get, the better I will feel, and the strain of the dream will lessen. One can hope.

I was going to try to read all 7 pages of the topic before saying anything, but this just shouts for a comment.

If you're transgender, the exact opposite will happen. The more feminine you get, the more feminine you will want to express. You're not climbing out of the rabbit hole; you're diving further in.

You said something about managing your symptoms. I'll tell you this now, for when you'll believe it: you're kidding yourself. There's reality, there's unreality, and there's riding the fence. One of these works; the other two don't.

There really is no escape. But, truly, that's a good thing. 

[FinallyMichelle]

There have been some amazing responses so I am sure that I won't be adding anything. Joanne has really been spot on repeatedly, as I am sure you can appreciate. I don't really want to add my 2 cents here but... maybe...

You know this is not going away. That is important to know but I think the biggest question you have is; Am I cd or am I transsexual? Both are persistent and will probably never go away. So how to distinguish between the two? You have said things here that you just don't hear a cd say, but here again I think that you know that. I think from your first post the question hasn't been WHAT you are as much as what you id, ego, identity or whatever you want to call it will LET you be. Everything else has been rationalizing the struggle. Your need has already given the definition but the image you have of yourself does not want to die so it pushes back. From what I read you put a lot of effort into being that image. I don't know, I am probably way off but that is my 2 cents.

I really love the differences between people. 😆 Completely unrelated here, so feel free to tune out. Everyone is so awesomely different. Reading about envying pretty girls it made me laugh at my own weirdness. For me that always seemed greedy, like who are you that average isn't good enough. Like reaching for the sun might be too much, Mercury might be safer. The average girl was always worse for me. The next I am not proud of at all but the women I perceived as ugly were my worst, they made me ache. I would pray that night, 'Yes! I will take that! Please, please, please!" It wasn't that I wanted to be ugly, but I felt the lower I asked for the more likely I was to get it. Pretty lame huh? Even more pathetic is that I began to hate women who didn't care for their appearance. Yes, I mean hate. There is no way I can express the anger I felt towards them. The way I saw it, they had everything and acted like it meant nothing. Everything that I wanted they took for granted and let it go to waste. It made me burn. Seeing someone throw away food when I was starving was more than I could bear. I am not sure when it happened but I have come to enjoy completely the differences in people and appreciate what it offers to us all.

Wishing happiness your way.
Hugs

[MichelleC]

When I was younger, I was a skinny kid, not very masculine, an outsider. Other boys knew something was different. I still had friends, though. When I joined the Marines, guys would ask me if I was "sweet". After the Marines, I sat on a Harley at the Harley Shop cause it looked fun. Another guy laughed at me. I started my journey into manhood. I took martial arts, I lifted, I got manly/biker/etc tattoos, I acted different.

Once a girlfriend outed my crossdressing to all of my friends. I lost all of my friends. I shook for days, anxiety taking hold. I stopped being as happy and friendly as I was. I increased my manliness. I became the stoic, quiet man. Once my martial art teacher asked me where the happy, friendly guy was. I didn't know how to answer.

I became somewhat of an expert in the manly arts of martial arts, and weapons both old and new. I am not a tough guy and I am afraid to fight, but I seriously doubt there are many who can take me. So, my manliness appeared to be on solid ground.

Enter gender dysphoria. Some of you have seen my other posts (a whole other story which is not needed to be repeated here). I am transgendered. I might even be transsexual. I don't know yet.

To have peace, I must become one with myself. I even posted here about a "slight" lengthening of my nails which freaked me out, "They'll know!", etc.

So, I have this massive masculine identity that I've built. I must let it go. The thought of doing so is causing me anxiety. I viscerally respond to it. How do you break down a life that you've spent your entire life building up? I can't even move toward making myself like David Bowie without cringing. How did you do it?

Take baby steps.
And discover that no one gives a toss.  People will accept you as you are, take you as you come, almost all the time.  People come in all shapes and sizes and colors and types, and what you think is a big change for you, is barely noticeable in the grand scheme of things.



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[amandam]

Just got back from the appt. I discussed with her a couple of things. Let me try some Cliff Notes.

I feel I am heavily repressing myself. It's hard to know where I am at gender-wise while this is going on. We agree that I am transgender and show traits of both "transsexuals" and "cders". I am on the spectrum somewhere though it's not clear where. I could be full-blown transsexual, or just transgender. I'm certainly not just a Cder. This I already knew. I may find out I need to transition or I may not. I may find out I need surgery, but she thinks this is less likely. I must move toward acceptance of myself to find out.

Here's my major problem moving forward:
I've spent a lifetime trying to "kill the skinny, somewhat effeminate man-boy" I used to be. In order to find myself, I have to move from the false manly-man I have created, and move toward a more natural me. That includes the skinny kid. I talked about viscerally responding to that idea. The old fears, the rejection of my peers, etc. But, I have to go down this path. I might find out I'm Justin Beeber, or Johnny Depp, or Frank Dillane. But at least I'd like myself.

At the same time, I have to continue to try to incorporate more femininity like I've been doing.

So, to sum up. I have a problem not only accepting and embracing whatever level of femaleness I have, I also have a problem accepting myself male or female!

We're going to meet once a month. The main focus will be on my mental roadblocks of self-acceptance. If successful, removing the roadblocks will help define "me" as well as where I am at gender-wise.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Amandam

I have been reading this thread since you started it and I must say I feel precisely the same as you as regards your 6 points listed 19Feb. From these points and as FinallyMichelle says a Cd would not think these points and hence I truly believe you (like me) are indeed Transsexual.

I agree with AnneMarie that for most of us (I cannot confirm whether or not it applies to you) that the more feminine we get, the more we want to express; it becomes more dominant and a desire to increase any feminine participation perhaps leading to living publicly.

I assume you discussed the 6 points at your appointment and I am glad things are progressing both in therapy and in your life generally.

Pamela

[amandam]

I know one thing for sure. When I was less manly, weighed less, had less male-patterned muscle n fat, I looked female when dressed. That always made me really happy.

[pamelatransuk]

Yes indeed. For some of us there is a visual and/or physical element  - some of us may have feminine features or mannerisms or both.

[amandam]

I still havent completely disconnected my sexual component from it. To be blunt, I fantasize mostly about being a woman having sex. I dont have a woman's body yet, but, I also have a huge desire to dress like a woman and go down on a man or another trans person. I'm developing a serious desire for the D. i still like V though. But, if I had a vagina, I know what I'd use it for. 

[amandam]

Personal list (reordered from above, moving more femme):

In progress:
1. Thin out body to remove male pattern fat and muscle.
2. Remove hair on hands, feet, my few chest hairs. Doing Tria religiously.
3. Completely accept I am not very manly so quit trying to act like it.
4. Grow hair out.
5. Shave/trim pits regularly.

Probably:
2. Shave legs regularly. Still wear shorts a lot, kids at home, this may or may not happen.
3. Remove beard. If I can afford it, insurance, etc. I want it gone.

Possibly:
1. HRT for mental health.
1. Breasts and hips.
2. FFS.

Only if I have to:
1. Breasts and hips.
2. FFS.
3. GRS.

[amandam]

How I feel right now is - when I choose to be female, I want to be "completely" female. I want no hint of maleness. When I have to be a man, I don't care if femme features bleed over.

My therapist agreed with me that transition at 58 would be very hard, it would disrupt my upcoming retirement, the house with the picket fence, me and the missus playing grandparents to future grandchildren. All valid points. It is a lot to consider. So, to transition, I have to be real sure, as in 100% I "have to".

She's not getting "have to" from me. She brought up the idea of gender-fluid. But, it feels like she is looking at that as someone less than full-on transsexual. I don't think she's using it in the context of someone who ebbs and flows.

Should I have attempted transition in my 20's in the 1980s? Probably. In today's world in my 20's, almost certainly. But now? That ship may have sailed.

I think my main drive right now is to become as femme as possible without disrupting my current life and see if I get to a point of "acceptance", where my amount of femme is enough for me to finish out my days.