Dealing with a suppressed life, becoming you

[JoanneB]

I am starting to realize that this road is long. ... I also know I'm not a "freak". I am not a vanilla guy, an average man. And that has to be okay, because it's who and what I am. Like my therapist said, there are many people like me.

TW - "Not a Freak"  You're a better man then I am Gunga Din. Congrats on making the leap. I still keep falling into my pool of self despair.

So, that's how I feel. Self-acceptance is number one. If I crossdress and get my jollies, that's me. If I want HRT, that's me. If I want surgery, that's me. If I want to be a "->-bleeped-<-", that's me. If I want to be a David Bowie, that's me.

It's all about the self-acceptance at this point. That's healthy right?

Give me an AMEN Sisters!

YES, you are right. Without self-acceptance as who ever or whatever you define yourself as Today, you cannot be at peace with who you are today.
"Yesterday is history,
tomorrow is a mystery,
and today is a gift...
that's why they call it present"
― Master Oogway

[amandam]

Had another therapy session. Pinpointing some more. Here's where I'm at. I am at least androgynous mentally, have traits of a CDer, and have a strong element of transsexualism. I could be a needing surgery TS, but more likely I'm a non-op. I don't need to get rid of junior, even though the alternative sounds nice. And at this point, I can live androgynously or female, either seems to work in my head.

It makes me sad to see the "man in a dress". When I was skinny and could "look female", I was happy. Therefore, what I must do is lose mass in my upper body. Become thin so male-pattern fat and muscle are no longer there. As well as doing my Tria and growing my hair. I was happier when my body was androgynous, so that is what I must do.

I did tell her I wouldn't mind having breasts if they didn't show in boy mode. I'd like to go without breast forms even if I had a small cup size. They'd be my breasts, not fakes. But, I don't want to live as a male and have them noticed.

So, there you have it:

Current place on spectrum:

John Wayne<---------Rod Stewart---------CD'ers--------David Bowie------me----------->Women and TS's

[Danielle Kristina]

Hi Amanda,

I'm finally accepting the fact that I'm transgender.  As I told my therapist yesterday, I've been dealing with this my whole life and it's still so new to me!  I always considered myself a cross dresser as I only occasionally allowed Danielle to surface, but about a month ago she has become such a part of my life that I found that I'm more than just a cross dresser - I'm in fact transgender.  She has become stronger than ever and I think she's here for good.  With this newfound acceptance of myself, I'm still not sure where I'll go from here.  I'm just taking it one day at a time and one baby step at a time.

I too built up a masculine image that is hard to separate from my female self.  I don't think that this masculine counterpart is necessarily the real me, but it has been a way I've lived for so long that I don't know how not to live that way if that makes sense.  Still, I'm taking it one step at a time.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Amanda

Nice to see things are truly progressing on the therapy front and that you definitely have plans.

I have been told I am physically somewhat androgynous and originally I thought I was ->-bleeped-<- (the old term for CD) until I finally realized I was/am transgender.

I wish you continued success.

Hugs

Pamela

[amandam]

The need to crossdress is still minimal. Usually, I just wear something but don't dress to the nines. Not really having much desire for that, but don't have much private time either. The sexual component still exists. I'm still trying to see how much that will play out as I go along.

I'm still growing my hair, doing Tria on my hands, fingers, chest, and pits. My nails are kept a medium length but I take care of them. Still need to be serious about weight loss. I need to lose about 30 lbs.

I want electrolysis on my beard but can't pay for it right now. The only way Kaiser in San Diego will pay for it is as a part of transition. I think I'll accept hormones if offered. I'd like to try a low dose to see how I feel over time. I don't care if my breasts grow some, but not sure about a lot of growth, especially without electrolysis. I'm not sure of transition. I can't transition on the job without causing a you-know-what storm. So, I don't think that's possible at this time.

My therapist last time made a comment about peeling back the layers. I guess we're still doing that. I'm not a cut-n-dried transgender where you just "know".

[Danielle Kristina]

The need to crossdress is still minimal. Usually, I just wear something but don't dress to the nines. Not really having much desire for that, but don't have much private time either. The sexual component still exists. I'm still trying to see how much that will play out as I go along.

I'm still growing my hair, doing Tria on my hands, fingers, chest, and pits. My nails are kept a medium length but I take care of them. Still need to be serious about weight loss. I need to lose about 30 lbs.

I want electrolysis on my beard but can't pay for it right now. The only way Kaiser in San Diego will pay for it is as a part of transition. I think I'll accept hormones if offered. I'd like to try a low dose to see how I feel over time. I don't care if my breasts grow some, but not sure about a lot of growth, especially without electrolysis. I'm not sure of transition. I can't transition on the job without causing a you-know-what storm. So, I don't think that's possible at this time.

My therapist last time made a comment about peeling back the layers. I guess we're still doing that. I'm not a cut-n-dried transgender where you just "know".

I had my therapy session today and my therapist found out my femme name and asked me if she can call me by it.  I immediately said yes without even thinking about it.  She's helping me accept my being transgender.  It's still new and scary to me, but I've also come to love me for who I am.

[JoanneB]

but don't have much private time either.

Ahhhh Private time... AKA I don't have a live with all the "Have To's"

I'd like to try a low dose to see how I feel over time. I don't care if my breasts grow some...

"Been there, helps. Having always been..... zoftic, and a tad gynocomastic, "Hide what?"

I'm not a cut-n-dried transgender where you just "know".

Hmmmm.... You're here...... You probably "Know" something. Probably wish to God that it ain't so... "Know" it can't be, not now with all I have going for me...

[amandam]

I'm in a weird place.

I've been keeping my nails shorter recently. Just kinda get tired of them. I've also backed off on the Tria. I still shave the few hairs that grow in my Tria areas.

Then I had a weird experience today. Everyone was going out this afternoon except me. I thought "goody", private time. So I immediately dressed in a dress, bra, panties, mascara and lip gloss. Since my hair is growing over my ears and at the collar in the back, I decided to comb it in a more fem style. Then I would look in the mirror and tease it and smile at myself. I had two feelings at the same time: one, I liked it, and two, I felt kinda meh.

So, I logged into Youtube to watch some transgender videos. I watched one where this gay guy detransitioned. As a girl, he was really good-looking, hot even. But, he said as he went along he just felt like it was the wrong path. He decided it was more important to just accept himself as he is, a gay guy. He still likes to dress up on occasion but is no longer interested in transition.

So, I'm sitting there, just feeling meh. I didn't feel like there was any purpose in my dressing. So I just changed back into guy mode and went out to work on the yard. I just didn't feel anything. I don't know what to make of this.

[Ayla]

I had similar feelings when I first started towards a binary trandition.  The whole performative aspect of dressing felt to me as just as inauthentic as presenting male.
In my case I backed off the hrt and took low dose to deal with the dysphoria until I felt comfortable presenting as andro.  I then just seemed to move progressively through  further transition identifying as transfeminine and gender fluid.  I now am close to progressing through BA snd GCS because I now know and accept that at my core, my soul is completely female.  Along the way friends have followed snd supported me in my journey so it feels like it is coming together.
When I recently asked my therapist of some 5 years why had it taken me so long to do what others seem to achieve in months, she said that I had needed to learn to undererstand, respect and to love my self.  She said that there is no time table or schedule .... "it will take as long as it takes.  The journey is far more important than than the destination."  I think that I now understand the truth of this.
Safe travels
Aisla

[amandam]

"she said that I had needed to learn to undererstand, respect and to love my self"

Maybe this is part of it. When i looked at myself with my hair that way, I liked it, but I also starting feeling weird. Maybe that feeling weird part was apprehension?

[amandam]

I got past the last "issue" I had. I purposely dressed up again and played with my hair. This time I was okay. But, last night I had a weird dream. There were two women with me. We raced to a store, they got in first because I didn't really try like they did. Then inside, there was only one available SA. She was helping them and wouldn't even answer one question for me.

I guess it was about a fear of "competing" with cis women, or fear that I can't be as good as them. I do have apprehension about growing out my hair now that it's longer. Maybe my apprehension about my hair and this dream is fear of what I'm doing. Or what I'm "potentially" doing. Fear of needing to go full time, or even GRS. The ups and downs of your emotions has to be the hardest part of this.

[amandam]

And I'm back. While writing the above post, I dressed in a chemise and panties. I locked the door as everyone else wasn't up. So, I was feeling A-ok. Looked at some trans before and after pics, read some trans blogs, etc. Nothing sexual. Didn't feel aroused at all and not looking at any porn, etc. Just feeling nice in my chemise.

So, I have to change and wtf, there is, excuse me for saying this, leakage on my panty. I never felt aroused at all, just having a nice feeling while dressed and researching transition.

I'm worried that this means, at it's core, my trans issues are ultimately sexual. I am bummed out and don't know what to do.

[Johnni Gyrl]

I read this post and want to help, along with everyone else. Here's my two cents, for what it's worth:

If you do all the macho stuff like martial arts, haven't you noticed that some practitioners get more spiritual over time? eg: The main character in the movie 'Road House' played by Patrick Swayze. In other movies too, hair gets longer, bandanas get worn etc.. all fitting in with your biker image no problem.

I got away with ( and still do ) all of that + a more Goth take on the rocker look - dyed hair, earrings, guy-liner, painted nails, boots with heels, women's jeans, unisex t-shirts/tops etc... I've even worn my hair in a ponytail, pigtails and braids. Nobody cares if you're wearing a Guns'n'Roses [insert your fav band instead here] t-shirt. It all works under a rock/alt/goth/hippie image. It's almost like acceptable cross-dressing in plain sight.

You could try some of that, it might lessen the dysphoria?

Personally, I could have rode that train forever, but it wasn't enough for me. I'm clearing the ground to go further and transition in the future if I still feel a strong urge to do so. I reckon it will be there, no matter if I resist, don't resist or try to ignore it. But having the rocker image for decades now, it won't be that big a step when it happens and people won't be that shocked. It might be only adding stockings, a skirt, and full-on make-up, at the end of the day.

I hope it all works out for you ;-) xx

[amandam]

I'm still being pegged as nonbinary. Therapist doesn't consider me "transsexual". I think I agree. I have transgender feelings but they ebb n flow. In other words, they are not strong enough to warrant a binary transition. When I started this process, I was willing to transition if needed n had the wife's agreement. But, the drive is just not there. Wanting to be women I see is not the same thing as being a woman mentally. I have enough transgender feelings to drive me batty, but not to push me into full transition.

The other side of this is how my anxiety escalated what my transness means. Anxiety can make mountains out of mole hills. But, some feminization/transition would be helpful along with the self acceptance that I am not cis but a "form" of trans.

This process has really helped me. I don't feel I'm going to hell for being this way. I don't fear I might have to transition, I would do it if it was needed. I don't feel as short-changed by life any more for being this way.

Self-acceptance n self-esteem are now the greatest gifts I can give myself. I guess that road will be long after years of fighting n hating this.

I am hopeful as I know the path to peace now.

[amandam]

No further progress on the spectrum. I dont know what to feel actually. I dont feel like a woman. I kinda feel like a guy but at the same time I know Im different. Im still only jealous of women whom I think look good. That cant be true transsexualism. I was growing my nails and hair to feel more fem, but now the nails are short. They seemed to become a hassle. Im also thinking of cutting my hair. Im not prepared to transition so on a 58 year old guy it just feels weird. I dont want a ponytail. I do have wigs n was thinking they're way more fem than my hair.

Over the last few months its been like my transness has backed off. I have had this happen before, years ago. Back then I was sure I was meant to be a woman, n then it seemed to die off. Possibly, its internal resistance, me fighting it. But if I was really trans, shouldnt I not be resisting? It seems to me that if I needed to transition, I wouldnt have these issues.

[Dena]

What your describing sounds line gender fluid/bigender. The one thing that puzzles me is on the people I have seen, the shift occurs in a time period of less than a few weeks. If your shifting, it seems to take months.

I am pretty sure you are transgender but that's not enough to know if a transition is right for you. We have members who  for one reason or another put up strong resistance to transitioning. Jayne01 had about 4 previous accounts that were deleted because of the difficulty in facing a transition. She is now well on her way but she almost didn't make it this time. Unfortunately the other posts that show the struggle she faced are in the dumpster but her fight was crippling until she was finally able to face herself.

Resisting is common and having varying degrees of dysphoria is also common. It's one of the reasons RLE is highly desirable as it reduces the chance of making a mistake.

[amandam]

I do have the weekly shifts, etc. you're talking about. It seems that one side will generally be more prevalent for months at a time, then the other side does - with "mini" shifts in-between.

I am indeed transgender, but not sure I'm "transsexual", i.e., need to transition. My therapist says no. Sometimes, I want to be, but I can see her point. I'm leaning toward I don't need transition. And if I don't need transition, do I need nails and hair fulltime? That's the stuff I'm thinking about.

[Danielle Kristina]

Hi Amanda,

I sometimes feel manly, particularly when I leave the house, because I still present as male.  At home, however, I live as a woman and this is when I feel content and at peace.  In male mode, however, I can't even bring myself to imagine that I were female.  It's not that I don't want to be a woman in male mode.  It's just that when I'm dressed as a man I feel like I still have to play that part.  On the inside, however, I'm still Danielle.  I think this is because my true self is female, but I've spent so long in male mode trying to be a man that I don't know how not to when I'm presenting my male side.  I hope this makes sense.  I don't know if what you're going through is anything like what I've described, but a lot of what you've stated in your previous posts I can very much relate to.

Hugs!!!


Danielle

[amandam]

I guess the thing that's bothering me the most is my hair. I'm trying to grow it out and have it look decent. I want to brush it back in guy mode with maybe some gel. Kinda like you see older bikers do with it down to the collar. But the stupid wave in it is making it a mess. It still sticks out in different places even with gel. Then I have too much gel in it when I manage to get it to cooperate. And I live in a valley. The heat is making me miserable with sweaty hair and gel all over my neck. I spend more time hating my hair than liking it.

[Dena]

I also have hair that misbehaves at times and it tends to do it when the hair is longer. The solution is a round brush and a blow dryer. If you get your hair professionally cut, you can ask to be shown how to do it. Once you have worked with it a little bit you can pretty much make your hair do what you want without setting gels.