Wife's acceptance

[Jazmine]

I've been making my wife aware of my needs as I've shared. She said she would go thru anything with me, ( hoping i'll get this out of my system). I asked for a planned full day next Saturday of me being me and spending time with her. I told her a week out so she has time to come to turns. She agreed,I also said we would abort if she can't handle it. I tried to explain this isn't just a sex thing, its much more. She's afraid if she doesn't participate that I'll go sneaking elsewhere to find my way. I know she having a hard time with this. I feel if she's not on board with the scenario she shouldn't do it. I feel that will just make the situation worse.   I have a therapy session tomorrow night. I asked my wife to go but she seems to want nothing to do with it. I'm open to all advice. Am I making to big of steps? Thank you

[Devlyn]

I've been single my whole life, here's some marriage advice. 

You're communicating, that's the key to your relationship surviving. Communicating isn't just talking, though. Make sure that you're listening and her needs are met, too. You don't have to rush, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Best wishes to both of you!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Dena]

You are moving pretty fast. In a little over two weeks you have gone from the closet to an outing so pay attention to your wife as you may need to slow down. I know you have been ready for this for a long time but your wife still may be in a state of shock.

[elkie-t]

I've been making my wife aware of my needs as I've shared. She said she would go thru anything with me, ( hoping i'll get this out of my system). I asked for a planned full day next Saturday of me being me and spending time with her. I told her a week out so she has time to come to turns. She agreed,I also said we would abort if she can't handle it. I tried to explain this isn't just a sex thing, its much more. She's afraid if she doesn't participate that I'll go sneaking elsewhere to find my way. I know she having a hard time with this. I feel if she's not on board with the scenario she shouldn't do it. I feel that will just make the situation worse.   I have a therapy session tomorrow night. I asked my wife to go but she seems to want nothing to do with it. I'm open to all advice. Am I making to big of steps? Thank you

I wouldn't force my female self on my wife unless she asks to see me. Then, I've done plenty of 'sneaking around'... You must decide how far you want to transition, your wife might be not on board with HRT and you living full time as a women.

[Raell]

Your wife can't help her sexual orientation, background training, or emotional needs any more than you can.
If she has been subconsciously depending on a male to be her hero, protect her, treat her like his queen, make her the center of his universe, etc., she might not be overjoyed to find herself suddenly facing possible future social/religious rejection, being seen as a lesbian, finding that your time, energy, financial resources are being rerouted to meet your own needs instead of hers.

[Ania]

Hello Jazmine.

I think taking it slow is a good idea as well, and you may find things start to move more naturally. It doesn't have to be terribly slow, but it is important to remember that this is a big change for your wife as well, and if it isn't something you have talked about before it may be very surprising for them.

One recommendation I have is doing something "feminine" that they enjoy. Does your wife like makeup? Ask her for suggestions and take her shopping for some with you. Does she like clothes shopping? Take her out so you can both buy a cute piece of clothing. Spa days? Pedicures? You get the idea. You don't even necessarily have to dress up in feminine attire for those things, and I think it is a good way to show your wife you can still have a fun time together while you get to explore your more feminine side a little. She might even enjoy some of the activities she never considered doing with you.

Asking for advice on things like makeup if she enjoys it is doubly great, because it gives your wife an opportunity to support you on something she is comfortable with. Learning this about you and having conflicting feelings likely gives her some guilt. She wants to be there to support you but it is a new experience for her as well. Letting her help with something she knows well gives her a way to show support that she is more comfortable with, which will likely help warm her up to the idea.

I think it is important to keep in mind that just because she is having difficulty accepting things doesn't mean she is bigoted or uncaring about you. This is a major change for both of you, and you have to try your best to be there to support one another.

I wish you the best and hope that everything works out.

[Jazmine]

Thank you all for your feed back. I sent my wife a message this morning cancelling our /my planned day. The tones of her response told me she was relieved. I'm not wanting to force anything on her. I told her I didn't want her to see me that way unless she wanted to. I guess I'm fearful I won't be able to interact with her or anyone as myself. I like the ideas of doing the shopping etc..with her. I think I have to wait until she moves toward me. So hears to waiting.  

[Ania]

Thank you all for your feed back. I sent my wife a message this morning cancelling our /my planned day. The tones of her response told me she was relieved. I'm not wanting to force anything on her. I told her I didn't want her to see me that way unless she wanted to. I guess I'm fearful I won't be able to interact with her or anyone as myself. I like the ideas of doing the shopping etc..with her. I think I have to wait until she moves toward me. So hears to waiting.

It doesn't have to be too long. I really hope it all works out for you. I think it often has a snowball effect of acceptance, where it can take some time to gain momentum but can start to naturally go very fast afterwards. I think it is very helpful in the meantime to build confidence with yourself. If you are confident in your crossdressing she is more likely to be and you will be more available to give her support and help as well. Best of luck.

[Jazmine]

Thank you. *****hugs*****

[RobynTx]

Like the others have stated slow down.  I'm in the same boat. I came out to my wife and she has been accepting but I haven't tried to push the issue with her.  If it was up to me I would have throw out all my men's clothing and went on a shopping spree 5 minutes after telling her.  It's just not practical.  I started with wearing panties for the most part.  It isn't something she sees and it helps me.  I started seeing a therapist and the last two sessions my wife has gone with me.  She wants to be a part of the process and she's trying her hardest.  So I've been taking baby steps.  She wasn't that happy when I started HRT but she accepted it.  I'm taking this change slow for her.  It has been harder on me because I want to sprint through it but I can't for her. 

Marriage is about compromises.  For everything you do she has to do something as well.  You can try doing a couple's package at a spa or going for pedicures as well. 

[elkie-t]

Thank you all for your feed back. I sent my wife a message this morning cancelling our /my planned day. The tones of her response told me she was relieved. I'm not wanting to force anything on her. I told her I didn't want her to see me that way unless she wanted to. I guess I'm fearful I won't be able to interact with her or anyone as myself. I like the ideas of doing the shopping etc..with her. I think I have to wait until she moves toward me. So hears to waiting.

Follow up with a gender specialist appointment though. You will need someone on your side to explain to your wife the problems you're facing.

[Jazmine]

Slowing down with her. Having a hard time not speeding up with me. I was looking for a support group. Nothing in my area. My therapist gave me a # for the LGBTQ, when I called their only open in the evenings and I'm not sure where they even are. Their just a phone call support group as I understand. I felt like I want to go somewhere I can be face to face maybe make friends.

[elkie-t]

Gay bars might have some trans girls hanging out there. Usually LGB are more or less accepting T (although not always interested in us). Lookup Craigslist personals (mostly crap shots, but you may meet someone really good, or see some party invitation). Meetup might have LGBT-targeted groups. Where's a will, there's a way


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Ania]

Not sure what area you are in/what age group, so it is hard to give specific recommendations. LGBT+ meetups are pretty common in a lot of places with people in like 20s-30s. Not 100% sure abut older age groups. Gay bars can be good, but you have to be careful because some are not as welcoming as you might think. (The very masculine focused ones don't like crossdressers/females at all. Those are relatively rare though.) I had a really really nice time at a lesbian bar recently. It was a very relaxing sensation to not worry about being the most "masculine" female in the room at all.

[Jazmine]

Im 46 and live by Victorville  CA.

[Tammy Jade]

I sounds like most several people have said slowing down might help, I am also in that camp.

But this is why.. I first let it slip to my partner September last year. She then followed it up with more questions over the coming couple of months.. when I finally actually hit the point where I decided yes I am going to do this.. she had known for about 4 months. It didn't help..... when I initially went from dressing like Tynan to dressing like Tamara she freaked out... So I went back to dressing like Tynan again. We talked significantly about what caused the freak out and I had to make changes.. In our case my wife hated me in wigs, said I seemed like I was completely different (like feminine to the extreme) and also was missing her husband in a way.

I stepped back and took a good hard look at myself. I got rid of the wigs and began growing my hair out (best decision ever) went out a number of times without her (but not behind her back) so I could build my confidence and work out my style, and I asked her if I could where panties and bras around home under Tynan's clothing which she agreed.

It took a couple of months but over time she started suggesting that I try things of hers on and then she agreed to go on a shopping day with me, and together we both got a number of nice girly things and we haven't looked back.

I think the fact she felt involved really helped, she helped me chose most of my current outfits and I feel that made a huge difference.

One thing that has really stuck with me was something she said once everything had settled down after her initial freak out.

When she saw me in a wig, with makeup in girls clothes those first few times she couldn't see the person she loved only a stranger.. she knew I was still the same person but it was such a polar opposite change it was hard to see past. By growing out my hair and slowly introducing more feminine things over time it helped her see that it was still me. (I can't remember her exact wording she said it better then I did but you get the idea)

The reason I have told you this is because before I even came out. My wife identified as bisexual and had grown up in a LBGT supportive environment being raised by parents in a female same sex relationship. So what I want to highlight is even someone who was/is very LBGT aware and accepting and supportive still took sometime to come around so keep communication open work with her at your own speed and it doesn't have to end badly. As long as she doesn't force you to stop entirely what's a couple extra months if it means you don't lose someone who means a lot to you.

Lastly going out is a huge step, it took me a long time to be comfortable as myself (particularly in the beginning when I knew I wasn't passable) it made my wife very uncomfortable as well as she could see people judging me and how that was effecting me and it upset her. That was why I decided to go out by myself a number of times. The old saying confidence is key really applies it made her less uncomfortable because i wasn't getting upset, i was passing more and the whole experience was better.

This ended up a lot longer than I planned but I hope it helps.

- Tamara


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Jazmine]

Thank you so much

[LifeasMakamae]

Making her aware of your feelings is important and is equally important to respect her feelings too.
My wife and I have a very loving relationship, she supports me in everyday possible and I her. She understands that the Fm side of me is just as important as the male side, it makes me who I am.  She knows its not a passing fad or fetish or fantasy. Its a part of me. But I also understand that she needs the man that she met and fell in love with. He will always be there for her

[Jazmine]

Good evening,      I see all the pain and suffering that you'all go thru and I feel very shallow.My heart goes out to each and everyone of you that suffer on the road to finding happiness.

Wanted to share what I think may be a step on my path. Thru out my life I believe I've dressed up less than 20 times.  I love to dress up but don't feel I ever get to fully enjoy it. I would say 80% of the time dressing up for me leds me to sexual climax. ( hoping to explain but not give TMI) I've only been honest with myself for a few weeks now, so I feel there so much I don't know. I wouldn't let myself think about things/feelings. Last night after I final got friends and family to go home ( our house is the hub ) and my wife went to sleep I was able to head out to my garage. I took full advantage of the time. I've been buying like crazy and not getting to wear or try on anything. The new 4" pumps (ahhhhh) perfect I got the right size. They are so sexy. After getting all dressed and enjoying some time taking selfies ( that no one will ever see because I'm hideous ) I end with the most intense,emotional, lay on the floor legs shaking session ever. So intense.   All day today I thought about it and what it meant to me. I felt so clear today, my mind seemed to have slowed down.

  My wife and I have been starting to distance. She has had no desire to see me or interact with me as me. ( Like everyone here told me slow down) I've not pushed it or brought it up. We're not fighting but you can tell thing aren't right. This led me to think hard about whats missing between her and I. For us the bedroom is lacking the most from my perspective. She does not have much imagination and at some point I gave up trying to get her to.

Tonight I tried something new, instead of worrying about what I need I decided to try and give her something new. I had some leather cuffs that we bought at a renaissance fair ( never wore, beast master style ). I had bought a very sexy leather collar this week. So I put them on and embraced being a man. It was a very good time for us both.

I'm hoping in time if I can be creative, that I can easy her in to understanding me. I feel like clothes, costume enhance feelings. I feel like she may have got something out of the experience kinda like I get out of dressing up as me. As always I welcome any feedback or thoughts.