Just venting again

[Amoré]

I have been struggling the last couple of weeks and really struggling. I am crying each day because of frustration and just the lack of hope.

I came this far in my transition. I am very happy with my changes I stood in front of the mirror this morning and just looked at how my body feminized. It made me a bit happy very happy and then I saw that male part of me between my legs. I started crying again.

I went through hell to get to this point where I pass. To be a woman. I lost so much and now I am stuck in my transition due to finances. I spoke to my boyfriend about a loan for the operation and he said he is not going to make a loan for it. I wish there was another way. He said he will make a plan to do it cash. I just can't see how we can afford this cash it would take years of saving. I can't walk years like this.

I compared how I feel the other day with being a kid stuck in a wheel chair looking at other kids playing rugby. I know how he feels. I am stuck looking at other woman in that way. They can function fully as woman due to their anatomy. This is just how I feel and it truly hurts me to be this transgender woman looking at other woman in that way.

I think my boyfriend and family doesn't get my pain. I am so depressed about it and I am having suicidal thoughts the last period. I feel that it would be a solution sometimes to just stop suffering and feeling this way. I won't act on it I just feel this way.

My psychologist tried to help me in accepting my body as it is. That I don't hate my body. Well the only reason why I didn't cut it off with a knife yet is because I need it to create my vagina. Else I would have opted to go this route already. I do think about it a lot.

No matter what I try and how I look at the thing how I try to like it I just cant force myself too. I hate it. It is the most disgusting male thing that is on my body and I can't stand it.

I came this far in my transition and I just have this one part of maleness stuck to me. It is the most male body part that one can have.

Sorry for the rant I can't talk to my boyfriend about it anymore.

[elkie-t]

Can you get another job and put all proceeds from it into cash fund for the operation? If you go Thailand, you might be able to get a surgery for under $10k, maybe if you can save $6k in a year (which is $500 per month), your BF would find another $4k?
Where's the will there's a way. Where's the way there's hope and where's is hope, there is no place for depression.


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[Amoré]

Can you get another job and put all proceeds from it into cash fund for the operation? If you go Thailand, you might be able to get a surgery for under $10k, maybe if you can save $6k in a year (which is $500 per month), your BF would find another $4k?
Where's the will there's a way. Where's the way there's hope and where's is hope, there is no place for depression.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It is just the time it is going to take to get the money together. In South Africa $500 is a lot a month. That is R6595 in  our currency. At this stage I am doing freelancing work and working on a project with my boyfriend for only. R8000 a month. With my depression these days I am struggling to keep a job. I quit my last job because my boss was coming on to me. I know I must look for another job but I will after I finish this project.

[DawnOday]

I am going to suggest you find a support group. Pflag is a large organization in the states but also has a chapter in Johannesburg  http://pflagsouthafrica.org/ They can be of assistance as you progress to your "real self" also finding others in the same situation gives you energy to proceed.   Just the knowledge there are other people just like you makes the whole decision making process so much easier.  There are several other organizations listed on Google as Transgender support groups south africa