Coming Out At Work

[Charlene2017]

I am the kind of person that likes to have a plan and figure out all the good with the bad before doing anything.  One thing I want to do is have everything pretty much in place before going full-time, seeing I only started HRT last month I have a ways to go.

Originally I am hoping to stay in hiding for maybe 5+ years before going full-time as that puts me closer to retirement age.  Currently I am 51 and hoping to either retire at 60 or 65.  I honestly don't think I can last that long without coming out at work.  I work for the City that I live in as a Software Developer.  It is a good job and we have a very good pension plan that I don't want to lose or give up.  We have a very good Union plus our City just passed a huge bathroom policy for LQBT people, so firing somebody for coming out trans wouldn't look very good.

My question is for those that came out at work or work in a place that know you are trans.  How do you deal with being seen as a trans woman/trans man?  Does it bother you that your co-workers may see you as a trans woman/trans man instead of just a woman/man? 

Does it get easier not caring what others see you as?

Charlene

[Sarah.VanDistel]

Hi Charlene!

Nice to meet you and welcome! ☺

I'll be trying to answer some of your questions as a transwoman who's been on HRT since 02/2017 and came out at work about 2 weeks ago... this is my experience, which can of course widely vary from one person to the other. Hey... and sorry for the inevitable English mistakes - it's not my mother tongue. [emoji55]

I am the kind of person that likes to have a plan and figure out all the good with the bad before doing anything.  One thing I want to do is have everything pretty much in place before going full-time, seeing I only started HRT last month I have a ways to go.

You're right: it's never too early to start planning. I am also like that, and as soon as I decided to transition, I started researching local policies concerning LGBT @ workplace and so forth. Being a relatively shy woman, I decided from the very beginning that I would first come out to my boss in the form of a letter, which I immediately started to write; I kept editing it, in and out, along the last 6 months or so... I have the feeling that it was perfect for my purpose. [emoji57]

Originally I am hoping to stay in hiding for maybe 5+ years before going full-time as that puts me closer to retirement age.  Currently I am 51 and hoping to either retire at 60 or 65.  I honestly don't think I can last that long without coming out at work.

And you're most probably right... In my initial plan, I had an even less conservative timespan than you: 3 years until coming out at work. Of course, this is one of those YMMV situations, but soon enough my budding breasts dictated that reality would be otherwise... Besides, I began doing other things to calm down my dysphoria, such as plucking my eyebrows (as subtly as possible, but it's something so visible that it's difficult to hide), shaving my (previously very hairy) arms, (voluntarily) losing weight... So 5+ years, at least under full dose HRT, is probably too optimistic... [emoji849]

I work for the City that I live in as a Software Developer.  It is a good job and we have a very good pension plan that I don't want to lose or give up.  We have a very good Union plus our City just passed a huge bathroom policy for LQBT people, so firing somebody for coming out trans wouldn't look very good.

This is very good news for you, Charlene! Although I live in what is considered a very LGBT-friendly region (Flanders, Belgium), I work in a relatively small organization (much smaller than the City which you work for, I'm sure) where there are no policies concerning LGBT issues (that's about to change... lol). Apparently, I am the very first person who transitions there. I work as an emergency physician and my co-workers are all health professionals - they all have at least an elementary idea about gender issues, even if most of them never got acquainted with a transgender person. I just filled up that gap. [emoji28]

I used to see it as you do, you know. "They can't fire me... There are laws, regulations and besides it would look bad for them." This is all true, but in retrospective it is also an incorrect mindset because it presumes that people will want to get rid of you and they won't just because they can't! In fact, you are probably a valued employee and co-worker and, if your transition is well thought of, then that fact will not change. You've been a good male employee and colleague and you'll become a good (and much happier) female employee and colleague! And I really believe that a happier collaborator is a better collaborator... So it's a win-win situation, not a lose-lose situations, as you are fearing. [emoji4]

My question is for those that came out at work or work in a place that know you are trans.  How do you deal with being seen as a trans woman/trans man?  Does it bother you that your co-workers may see you as a trans woman/trans man instead of just a woman/man? 
Does it get easier not caring what others see you as?

So far, I came out to my boss, colleagues (other physicians working in the ED), clinical director of the hospital and head nurse of my department. Today is my first day after a 2-week vacation, during which the head nurse sent an e-mail that I wrote to the whole nursing staff in the ED. In the meantime, I already received some reactions from the nurses, all very understanding and supportive. I also know for a fact that there were already leaks outside the workplace (very important: assume that when you come out to anyone but your very closest relations, such as parents of SO, you're actually coming out to the whole world... lol). So far, at work, I didn't have one single negative reaction. I was so afraid... But after seeing the initial very positive reactions, trust me, it gets easier and easier! About how most of the people at work see me... well, it's a bit too soon to tell, but I'll find out pretty soon (in a couple of hours... lol).

Charlene... For me, this was a bit like a giant roller coaster. When you're at the top, about to begin the drop, you just think "What the hell was I thinking when I decided to embark on this ride?!" Then, there's
that incredible flow of adrenaline and afterwise you just think: "Wow... It wasn't that difficult... I liked it! I loved it!! Mooooore!!!" [emoji23]

Good luck, Charlene! And again, welcome to the community! If you have questions or would like to share your thoughts, don't hesitate!

Hugs, Sarah


Sent from my SM-T810 using Tapatalk

[Laurie]

Hi Charlene,

  I am not even going to help you with this one for 2 reasons;

1. You said a naughty word. You said you want to PLAN everything.  I don't PLAN anything. I operate on chaos, spur of the moment, loosely  organized ideas and thoughts, Possibilities.  Get the picture? I am allergic to PLANS.

2. I think Sarah did a wonderful job at giving you answers so I wouldn't presum to try and ad to her answer.
      (and to think I remember when she was afraid to go see her therapist in her preferred presentation. OH how she 's changed)

  Good job Sarah

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Cindy]

Hi Charlene,

Unlike Laurie who cannot even plan what breakfast to make, I did plan my transition. Well sort of.

Like Sarah I work in the medical field but in Australia and I ran my own department which spans four hospitals 20 or so staff and professional relationships from senior admin to junior staff, students and patients.

I was also in my 50's and that is way in the past!
So how did it go.

Well I planned to start of slow and sort of sneak in unannounced. By the time my facial hair was gone (laser) my grey hair dyed and in a feminine cut, pierced ears, nail polish and androgynous clothing about 12 months had gone and I wasn't fooling anyone but I hadn't said anything. Well my PhD students knew, my close medical colleagues were not quite as unobservant as I had thought and my Lab Managers were not fooled by the change. No one said anything to me.

Then one Friday one of my female staff said, love how you are so androgynous, that is bravery in a man of your position and I realised the game was up. I announced to one and all of my staff that Cindy was now here and the following week I appeared as me.

That was about 7 years ago.

So the fall out.
Nothing 'nasty'. I was not insulted openly and I heard that a few people who tried to do so behind my back were unmercifully put down by others.
I lost no friends. I lost 3 people who had an issue and one of them I enjoyed manipulating by wearing low-cut blouses at meetings and watching him squirm as he couldn't stop looking at my boobs.
I gained a new cohort of female colleagues with whom I am closer with than I ever was with any male colleagues. They are dear friends and I love them and they love me in the way that women do.

I lost male privilege. My opinion and expertise were and often are ignored and I was talked down too by male colleagues. I recently enjoyed being told by a new male post grad student how to use a flow cytometer to diagnose cancer. I kept a lovely smile on my face and tried to keep my legs crossed to stop peeing myself. As I walked away I heard one of my colleagues explain that I had largely invented the technique.

I have picked up more committee work before and I am now asked to serve as a senior executive with experience in LGBTI issues - focussed of course on T. I actually enjoy some of those meetings.

I've slowed down over the last year due to health issues but I now seem to be speeding up again and I have no intentions of hiding in anyway from anything. I am retiring from full time work but - as many people find - that is giving me time to be busier.

So the retrospect look.
I deliberately burned every bridge I did so that I could never go back. I had a wonderful therapist who knew how strong I was and how weak I was. I was honest and open with him. He returned that with the help and support that I needed. I had close friends at work who knew my fears.
I was at a point in my life that I had nothing to lose. My life was over if I hadn't transitioned, I had planned my death as I wasn't going to carry on in my misery.

After I was committed and up and running it became easy. I'm in Australia and we have strong anti-discrimination law so legally I was safe. I have money and education so I was quite willing to use the Law if need be. I didn't need to.
I didn't tell HR before I came out and in fact they had to play catch up and I now hear that the policies they have, were developed in part to accommodate me. I think that is an important point. I was senior and so in many ways safe. I forced policy changes that will now accommodate younger more vulnerable TG people (they are already working). I'm proud of that and improving the lot of TG people drives me.

What would I have done differently?

Not wore heels to work on my first day.
Not have worried about stuff I can't change anyway.

I was going to say - I should have transitioned 50 years before, but I probably wouldn't have survived. If I had I would have ended up as a drug addicted lost soul in the gutters of Liverpool.

So my advice?
Stop worrying.
Get rid of facial hair yesterday. Find a good therapist and talk openly and constructively.
Does your family know? That was not an issue for me, my partner was totally accepting - she knew I was TG when we married. If family is an issue that needs a lot of work.
Stop worrying
You are in the hide away and be a female thought pattern. Give up on that now. You are in your 50's, you have a wonderful life ahead. Plan to do something with it. You are a woman, a transgender woman, get over it and plan a life.
Stop worrying




Stop

[LizK]

I am the kind of person that likes to have a plan and figure out all the good with the bad before doing anything.  One

Does it get easier not caring what others see you as?

Charlene

Hi Charlene

You have had two great answers and of course then there is Laurie  ...I know she works on the chaos theory as I have been reprimanded before for using the P word

In answer to the last questions, I can't answer the first one as I didn't need to come out at work.

I think as you progress and go through the various stages of transition you get to the point where what others choose to think of you no longer becomes of any focus. People have opinions about many things and after awhile those that truly support you are the ones that matter and in most cases others won't even notice you or if they do you are gone and out of their lives before they even realise you were there and that is only the 10% that take any notice of you, the other 90% are pretty much oblivious. This will vary of course depending on country and local conditions.

I will say I did have a plan for my transition and one of the things I have learned about plans is that they need some fluidity. I moved far quicker than I anticipated but at a steady logical pace...the hardest part to gauge was when to go from partial presentation to fulltime...in the end swapping back and forth along with trying to remember who knew  what finished it for me.

Hope that is of some help

[KathyLauren]

My question is for those that came out at work or work in a place that know you are trans.  How do you deal with being seen as a trans woman/trans man?  Does it bother you that your co-workers may see you as a trans woman/trans man instead of just a woman/man? 

Does it get easier not caring what others see you as?

Hi, Charlene.  I can't answer about workplace issues as I was already retired when I came out.  I think you might find the 5 year plan unrealistic once you start on HRT.  I lasted three months before my growing boobs, small though they were (and still are) were too obvious to hide easily.

I am seen everywhere as a trans woman.  I probably pass from a distance, but I know I don't close up or when I speak.  And everyone in the local community knows my history, so there is no possibility of stealth here.  Being trans is just my truth, and I own it.

Owning the truth and not trying to hide makes it really easy to not care how others see me.  I do care about appearances, and I make an effort to appear as a well-dressed 60-ish woman.

I doubt if you will have any worries in your workplace.  It sounds like your employer is quite progressive.  Those policies were put there for you, so you may as well take advantage of them.  You may find that one or two co-workers are Neanderthals.  There's one in every crowd.  But your union and the HR policies should take care of that for you.

Good luck on your journey.

[sarah1972]

I had a plan. HRT for at least 6 month, then tell friends, come out at work after about 12 month. As soon as it felt right, I just threw the plan away and went for it (friends after 4 month HRT - too many changes and work after 6 month).

Having a plan is a good idea but being flexible allows you to adjust to how you feel.

I also came out more recently at work (almost 3 month ago), also in working in Software. I had a really good week as Sarah and just sat down one morning and wrote an email which I sent to about 20% of the company. HR knew upfront to a certain degree (I had changed preferred name / gender in the HR system without telling them but they had to approve the change) but I did not tell them that I will send out this email.

Coming out at work was a really big step for me, even bigger than family and close friends. This is truly it. I put myself out in the world and there is pretty much no going back from there.

Anyway, so far so good. Got a lot of support and encouraging emails in the first few days, everyone started using Sarah & she and that was it. I had three coworkers I was very worried about their reactions, two of them sent such encouraging notes (the ones I care about). The third one still does not get it and has never used Sarah or She and most likely never will. It does not fit into his narrow mind, but I knew that all along.
It has never really been talked about since (Except for the travel office who got a bit confused since I have not legally changed my name and needed airline tickets re-issued). Even bumped into our CEO wearing a skirt and heels one day. He looked puzzled but he is so self absorbed, he most likely did not even think about it twice.
I know there has been a lot of talk behind the scenes, one female coworker actually organized a department meeting for her group to explain to everyone the entire transgender background and how to handle it (I only heard about it second hand). I broke out in tears when I heard it, that was one of the sweetest things someone can do.

I made a few great new girlfriends along the way and I am now in the loop on all the latest fashion trends and sales in department stores. Some brought makeup samples or cloths that might fit me. So very sweet. Made me feel very accepted.

Working home office makes things a bit easier for me, I still have not had a trip to the headquarter but I have been meeting a lot of customers and will visit a regional office this week. All as Sarah.

I have mostly reached a stage where I do not care what others think (except my wife). I am who I am, a proud trans women. With all the quirks associated with it. With skirts, blouses and heels.

Venturing into a new environment (customers) will be a bit nerve wracking until I can better pass but as mentioned, so far no problem. Initially still in ambiguous clothing but usually by day 3 I show up in a dress / skirt... feels so much better. One customer invited me to be in the "pride month group picture".

One item which surprised me a little bit: I was all adrenaline during all the coming out. Once that was done and it just became normal, I have to admit I fell into a bit of a hole... Missing the "next excitement".



So Cindy... you give ma a great idea for the one co-worker I mentioned before... short skirt and high heels should do the trick to completely throw him off!

So the fall out.
Nothing 'nasty'. I was not insulted openly and I heard that a few people who tried to do so behind my back were unmercifully put down by others.
I lost no friends. I lost 3 people who had an issue and one of them I enjoyed manipulating by wearing low-cut blouses at meetings and watching him squirm as he couldn't stop looking at my boobs.
I gained a new cohort of female colleagues with whom I am closer with than I ever was with any male colleagues. They are dear friends and I love them and they love me in the way that women do.

[Charlene2017]

Thank-you for the replies...even Laurie  ...it feels really good to be referred to as a woman/female by others.  I am hoping my plans do have to happen sooner than later as I am tired of hiding but I also want to have everything in place.

Today I found online at work a policy about coming out as transgender in the work place.  I e-mailed the HR department using an external e-mail requesting more information as the documentation mentions about helping with a plan and timelines.  So I am a little nervous and excited at the same time.

Sometimes I get a little (okay a lot...) scared as there is over 3000 people that work of the City but I forget I only deal with about less than 100 people in our building and about 50+ users of our system.

The hard part is the up/down emotions...I can do this...No I can't do this...

[Laurie]

The hard part is the up/down emotions...I can do this...No I can't do this..

Charlene, This must be hard for you as you say. I'll have to take your word for it though. Because I have never experienced an uncertain moment in my transition. I've approached every situation with conviction and confidence.



btw Do you  happen to need a bridge?  You'll be fine, girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Charlene2017]

Charlene, This must be hard for you as you say. I'll have to take your word for it though. Because I have never experienced an uncertain moment it my transition. I've approached every situation with conviction and confidence.



btw Do you  happen to need a bridge?  You'll be fine, girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I wish I could approach every situation like that...playing sports, yes, very easily as I am very good at most sports.  Within life...not so much.  I was always worried somebody would find out...did I sit wrong...am I standing manly enough...talking manly enough etc...etc.  Now I worry if I'll be girly enough after playing the male lead for soooo long.

I'm not sure I know what you mean about needing a "bridge". 

Charlene

[sfbarbie]

I'm a planner too honey so I feel your pain!  I had a plan to not go full time until all of my facial hair was gone (6 years later it's still not gone so obviously that plan got changed lol)  I had my trach shave first though 2 years after HRT. 

I was lucky to kind of go full time after seeing how accepting my boss was.  I was doing everything I could to get to where I was comfortable (my hair had gotten to past shoulder length) I didn't have hardly any boobs from HRT so that wasn't really anything I was worried about, was just focused on growing my hair and removing face hair.

I am a nurse so I was going to wear scrubs as male or female (I wore womens bottoms and a small unisex top) and had long hair.  I started a new job and my boss was referring to me as female every time I turned around (I was so thankful) so one day I spoke with her about being trans and she was totally fine and on board) so I applied for a name change and once it was legal I came to work as a girl.

I really didn't have any difficulty - but again I work in healthcare where its like 98-99% females.  There was one b-tch that was awful to everyone and she did call me "it" but she got fired    I've been very fortunate.  I wish you luck!!

[Wild Flower]

I can do a  free tarot card reading (I'm not an expert reader but just do it for fun).  I get reliable answers from my cards, and most of the advice is right on point. The other day the cards told me to limit one of my beverage addiction, and so like a month later I went cold turkey, and my life has improve drastically. It didn't tell me what beverage, but I knew it right away. Also earlier this week, I did a reading for myself on how should resolve on my problems (go fearlessly and determined, or wait it out), and it told me to be very strategic and logical with going with the problem, and not to get too emotional or forceful about it because it might give me bad results. Later that day, I had the problem slightly solve, so I kind of drop myself for forcing to fix the problem and remain patient and steady.

They just lay the right frame of thought about going into the situation, there is no definitive answer, but you take what the cards lay and see if you want to take the cards advice or go ahead with your personal plan.

PM if interested.

[Charlene2017]

They just lay the right frame of thought about going into the situation, there is no definitive answer, but you take what the cards lay and see if you want to take the cards advice or go ahead with your personal plan.

PM if interested.

I will as soon as I get the ability to private message others.  It would be kind of fun to see what the cards have to say.

[Kendra]

Charlene we are similar age and based on what you are describing I think the answer is obvious.  Don't delay enjoying the best things in life.

If someone at work steps over the line then game on... it's more fun to quietly set a trap and get even.  You will more likely develop a large number of great supporters and friends there.  By definition, boring is dull.  You may find your career expands in the long run as you are able to re-focus on being your true self and add a new perspective to what you already know.

Four weeks ago I told my manager I am transgender - you might find that amusing.  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226522.0.html

[Charlene2017]

You are lucky to have a boss like that.  The way you came out is something I would have done, we must have the same type of humour.

My boss...well not so lucky as you.  The major issue is his religious beliefs.  He is a Jehovah's Witnesses and from what I have read about them, I may have some issues dealing with him.  We do have some people in our area that are gay/lesbian and with the policies the city has in place we are pretty well protected.  Saying that, they don't directly report to him like I do.  He is the type of person that will throw you under a bus to save himself or make himself look good.  He can be fair as long as you do your job and show your worth and like I said, make him look good.

I have 3-5 years before I really have to worry about that part of my plan though.  We'll see.

Thanks for all the replies.  It does help to hear about others and what they went threw.

[Laurie]

I wish I could approach every situation like that...playing sports, yes, very easily as I am very good at most sports.  Within life...not so much.  I was always worried somebody would find out...did I sit wrong...am I standing manly enough...talking manly enough etc...etc.  Now I worry if I'll be girly enough after playing the male lead for soooo long.

I'm not sure I know what you mean about needing a "bridge". 

Charlene

Hi Charlene,

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner to explain myself.   

.... Because I have never experienced an uncertain moment it my transition. I've approached every situation with conviction and confidence.

btw Do you  happen to need a bridge?  You'll be fine, girl.

My comment above want meant to be taken as humor. The line is pure fiction. and the reference to the bridge is a common reference after trying to convince someone of a preposterous lie. It refers to someone selling and unwary buyer the Brooklyn Bridge, which of course you cannot actually do. I'm sorry you did not understand my little joke.

I was trying to say that you are not alone in your uncertainties.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Anne Blake]

Hi Charlene,

My situation is a bit different but perhaps relevant. I was already retired by the time I realized my transgender nature. My wife was fully accepting and empowering during the entire journey. My problems and struggles were in being able to accept my self. I had always struggled to present the man's man life. The recognition that I enjoyed life on the transgender fringes was freeing, then realizing that I was transgender and no longer in control was almost more than I could stand, literally! Once I survived that major tipping point and embraced myself for who I am it was all about planning how far and when to incorporate changes. Then I took a couple of steps down that enticing path and it became clear that wasting any more time presenting as him would only be painful and it became a race to be out full time and transition as completely as I physically can. The several year time line has condensed to a several month period. All it took was recognizing that I could not survive life as him to fully embrace my life.

I hope that this helps,
Anne

[Kendra]

Charlene your manager's religious beliefs may place the odds against this topic but I have learned there is only one way to be certain. 

My parents are in good health - they are politically very conservative (my father is borderline extreme) and have been married 60 years.  My mother's culture is very paternalistic (she was born in Japan, in 1931).  They hate the way I vote and I am even careful talking about the weather.  Based on these factors I braced for an explosion when I explained their only child is not the gender they thought.  They not only understood, they have been incredibly supportive.  Life is full of surprises.   

[Charlene2017]

Hi Charlene,

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner to explain myself.   

My comment above want meant to be taken as humor. The line is pure fiction. and the reference to the bridge is a common reference after trying to convince someone of a preposterous lie. It refers to someone selling and unwary buyer the Brooklyn Bridge, which of course you cannot actually do. I'm sorry you did not understand my little joke.

I was trying to say that you are not alone in your uncertainties.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Now my face is red but I am laughing my butt off.  It makes sense now and should have seen the humour in it.  At first I thought it was a reference to giving support.      

This week at work I want to talk with our HR department as I found a document that outlines a policy/procedure that all city employees must follow.  It talks about how we have to respect transgender clients when they come to us for service.  It also mentions about how employees are protect and should be treated.

I am hoping I am wrong about my manager but like the saying goes "plan for the worst...hope for the best...".