I'm coming out this week

[Becca Kay]

i made the decision to come out to friends (at least some of them) and my family.  I'm using the next week to make the rounds and speak to the people closest to me.  My wife and I don't have kids, but I have a large extended family.  The thought of all of the old ladies in the family chit chatting about me in their never ending family gossip network has been stressing me out a bit. 

Tonight I spoke with my best friend.  He and i grew up together and despite being on opposite sides of the country still speak regularly.  Of all the people I will come out to I knew he would be the easiest.  I was truely touched though, because he said what were probably the best things I could expect anybody to say.  That he loved me and wanted me to be happy.  It was an hour long conversaion and it left me feeling so much better.

I've been terrified for so long to confront this, but having made a decision to not hide anymore I feel relieved and actually excited to move forward. 

This weekend I will tell my wife.  My marriage is probably already beyond repair despite me being trans.  I think i was rationalizing to myself that brining this up would be a bad idea, that it would just make a bad situation worse.  But I've decided that I can't live like this anymore. If my marriage is over.... then it's over. 

[Laurie]

 Hi Becca,

I'm Laurie,mtf. We haven't talked before and I am sorry about that as I used to consider myself a self appointed unofficial greeter here, But I cannot say that any more since I am now learning how to be official. You were one of those that I missed. again sorry.

  So you have decided to come out, or rather you have begun to come out. That is cool and at the same time it is scary. Choosing your best friend to tell first was a good  move. You start on a high note, a success, Unfortunately everyone you tell may not take it so well. So be prepared for some let downs, if they do happen do not let it get to you too much. Those will hurt and disappoint you but it can be survived. We'll help you with that if you need us to. You said your wife was next and she worries you. You me be surprised she may just understand and help you. On the other hand she may need some time to take this revelation in and chew it over. Remember you have had a long time to come to grips with your feelings and she has had none so take it easy on her. I do hope she take the news well. After your wife the others should begin to become easier for you to tell.
   Coming out is not an easy task but it can be a relief to finally come clean and put a stop to your hiding in that dark corner of your mind. I hope they all go well and I hope you can share how it goes with us here. Remember you are not alone out there because were are here with you.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

[Kendra]

Becca, please know you have my best wishes and thoughts to you for doing the right thing. 

The anticipation of coming out was the most difficult thing I did - and once I started it suddenly became one of the easiest things.  If you have even a few very positive outcomes (as you already have) that makes the more challenging ones much easier. 

I am sorry to hear your marriage didn't work well, but it is probably best to avoid prolonging something that isn't giving both of you the best life possible.  You are being honest with others, and most important you are being honest with yourself.  That is the best way, and I wish I knew how to do the same earlier. 

Being terrified is normal.  Acknowledging you are terrified requires strength, and then allows you to work around it.  You're on a roll.

Kendra

[Becca Kay]

I had a long talk with my lifelong best friend and came out to him. It went well.  He's a good Liberal in the best sense of the word and probably the best person in the world to come out to.  He really made me feel better.  I'm so glad he's been my friend all these years. 

Last night I came out to my wife.  She's known about my Depression, Anxiety disorder and eating disorder for about 4 years.  I was worried.  When I told her about my eating disorder she freaked out on me.  She left our house for several days, telling me she felt betrayed.  Since that we've grown apart.  I figured that our marriage is probably over regardless of my dysphoria.  I've lost 35lbs since June and she didn't even notice.  However, she was very understanding and comforted me.  I was surprised.  I don't think, though, that we'll stay together much longer.  We barely speak day to day as it is. 

i have one or two others close to me that I'm going to confide in.  Starting with my therapist (tomorrow).  But I think i'm going to keep it in the closet for my family (mother and siblings) until I get to the point where I want to leave the house presenting as female.   


I start laser hair removal (face) on Saturday, which has me excited.  And I have an appointment for electrolysis (chest) in 3 weeks.  For now i'm just going to look forward to that and take one step at a time

[Kendra]

Not easy but I bet you are very glad you have done this.  Congratulations, and now you are starting hair removal.  Awesome!

[Becca Kay]

so.... looks like my wife and I are splitting up.  Not a surprise.  We were there already, coming out to her I kind of pushed it (literally I said we need to either decide now to divorce or go into therapy together and actually do some work) and we've decided that we're going to work on being friends instead and having an amicable split. 

we've had hours of talks this week.  more than we've spoken seriously to each other than in the last 5 years combined.  I'm actually relieved.  I really didn't want to have to work like crazy to keep my marriage together when I'm going through this.

I went back to my therapist and I broke down and cried for 90 min.  In 4 years of seeing her I've never opened up like that in therapy.  It made me feel afterwards like I'd been faking my therapy sessions for all those years.


I'm very close with my father and mother in law and my wife's sisters.  Closer than I am even with my own siblings and parents.  they're the next people I'm going to come out to.  I'm less worried about coming out to them than what our splitting up means.  My wife thinks that they'll continue to just have me around to hang out with my father in law, since he and I spend a LOT of time together.  but i know better.  I was married before.  things never work that way once a marriage ends. 

[Kendra]

I've heard the saying "you get to choose your friends but not your family" but I believe that is only partially true.  If your in-laws are great people there isn't a reason to lose that relationship.  The amicable path with your wife is positive and an additional reason to keep connections to people who are there for you. 

I imagine your previous marriage ended under different circumstances.  I think you will do well now.

[Becca Kay]

I've heard the saying "you get to choose your friends but not your family" but I believe that is only partially true.  If your in-laws are great people there isn't a reason to lose that relationship.  The amicable path with your wife is positive and an additional reason to keep connections to people who are there for you. 

I imagine your previous marriage ended under different circumstances.  I think you will do well now.

thank you for the kind words

[Becca Kay]

So came out to a couple more of my friends this past week.  it went well.  they were concerned for me (cause they know i'm depressed) but very supportive.  only a handful of people know at this point.  and now I'm in no rush to come out to everyone I know. 

a month ago i made up my mind to confront this and I think I was assuming it would be some kind quick thing.  but the truth is that not much has changed.  Other than i'm wearing women's clothing around the house.  i used to feel a huge sense of shame just for thinking about doing that.  Now it makes me feel better.   

And I"m also haveing some wild emotional swings.  Sometimes I feel good about this. Like it's a relief, and other times i'm asking myself if i'm delusional, crazy, etc.

[Laurie]

Becca,

  This is an extremely volatile time for you with all the changes and pressures you are dealing with, It is perfectly natural to feel the way you are right now. Keep your therapist's number handy just in case you feel a need to talk to someone that will understand what you are going through. It will get better. Promise.

Hugs,
   Laurie