Anybody who didn't realise until later in life?

[Nina]

Reading the stories makes me think of this imaginary line that we may or may not cross in our life. It is a line that those outside of our world can't imagine or fathom the pain, hardship, and joy with crossing it. This line I speak of is whether to transition or not. Or, as some do, do a tightrope walk on said line.

I've been called brave for transitioning. I don't like that word. I crossed the transition line, wreaking havoc on important people in my life: my ex wife, daughter, brother and sister. I've been disowned by them all. I've been called selfish for putting my needs ahead of my marriage. The yearning inside of me to be the real me trumped all feelings, and I did it. I've found my happiness, don't regret not having done it earlier.

Then there are those who think of family, their job and home...and don't cross that line. It's gotta be utterly painful, but I applaud you. I can't imagine how tough it must be.

Finally, there are those who are able to walk the line...getting some comfort by keeping what's near and dear to you, and being allowed to take some medication, therapy, and occasional dressing.

Life is so hard on its own, but those outside our world have no idea how tough it is.

[Rowena_Ellenweorc]

a much hidden part of me kept saying "you'd love it", but the part I was used to listening to answered "are you bats?"  Then there was a show on television (was it Donohue?) in which a makeover artist pulled men from the audience, worked her magic, and the results were amazing.  That "you'd love it part" said her name again, this time a little louder.  Finally, in my mid-fifties and in the middle of a horrible marriage, "you'd love it" won her first real victory and I started dressing.

I looooove this. I can totally relate to this dual voice in my head, and in fact I've recently started writing about it. (link to my deviantart in my profile if you want to see it) The way I've come to realize things lately is there is that voice in everyone's head that helps you discern right from wrong, reason from illogical or whatever.  Some people refer to it as their conscience.  Some just a voice. For me, it was the voice of reason... and my friend.  In many times of my life, he was my ONLY friend. He was the one that told me, 'Hun, you gotta stand up for yourself.  You might have grown up in foster care. You might have brown skin. You might have a different faith than those around you. You wear different clothes than those around you. You're a gamer and a book lover and a writer. You have a strong personality. But all those things make you you.  And you are beautiful.'
He also challenged my views on gender and gender roles.  It was him that always made me believe that EVERYONE deserves the same rights.  The one that gave me the strength to say when I went through my phase of wanting to be a US Senator when I grow up, that I will champion for the LGBT community's rights. When I posed that to my mother, she nearly through a temper tantrum. She claimed that it was against my religion to allow everyone to have the same rights. Would I actually say that two men have the same right to marry as a man and a woman? Or two women?
It was that voice in my head, who said, 'YES!' Now while I wish churches WOULD marry same sex/gender couples, but I respect that most religions view this as a sin, and recognize that church and state are separate... (HA! Wish Utah would realize that... sorry, I'm very cynical about the state I live in) so I also champion for keeping Church and State separate. But I'm glad that it is now legal in our country for same sex couples to marry.
That voice however has also been one I battled for years. I'd look at a girl and be attracted to her, then immediately say, 'No. I can't. I'm a girl. I have to be straight.'  He challenged me into thinking, 'Who says? Church? Mom? Dad? Society? Screw them. You can't help what you feel.' When I put on an outfit that made me feel distinctly masculine, and apparently look masculine (there's a specific story I'm thinking of with this, I'll tell it another time), I bawled. He asked me why I was crying, and I said, 'Because I'm a man. I can't be! I have to be a girl.'  He challenged me, 'Why can't you be the man you are? Who says you have to be female?'
When it came to gender roles/ gender identity/ gender expression... for twenty plus years, these two parts of me fought, the male part just wanting to be seen and heard. And in a lot of ways, he did come out, but most of the time, it was like I was keeping the gun, just wanting to kill that male self, hoping it would set me free. But what I'm realizing is that calling myself female is his prison cell. My self-deprecation is the gun, and he's just trying to wait until his sentence is up, and can be free, from being unjustly locked up.
I've realized, the only way to set myself free is to open up the prison door and let him out, and throw away the gun. Because... He is me.  Destroying him, is to destroy me. Everything that I am, comes from him. Without him, what am I but an empty prison cell?

It was worth it for you to type all that out just so you know it helped me a LOT.
I also played with barbies mainly because I didn't have a a lot of friends and they were my friends (Sad right)
I had been bullied most of my life and my father was mentally abusive and that might have held back any real
thoughts about this. I always hated dresses since I was little. (even the skirts in highschool uniforms I didn't like wearing them). I cosplay and when I am male characters I feel more comfortable than in a dress as a princess character. I started liking girls in highschool but didn't tell anyone for fear of judgement. (I went to a catholic school too).  Some days I didn't want to go to school and cried to stay home. In the past some cosplays I have done people always asked online "Is that a dude as Sailor Moon?" And it offended me because I was a GIRL but now I am like maybe they were onto something even though to a girl that makes you feel unattractive. I always acted as a girl too because I knew that is what I was supposed to be. Now discovering this I know I can be anyone I want. (PS not that it is offensive to be a girl but other girls will get that comment being hurtful when you were trying your hardest to look pretty and it didn't work out).

I am glad that what I wrote helps!  And no, inanimate objects being your friends isn't sad. Its a method of survival when you have nothing else.  When I look back on my life, there are so many things that no one should have to go through, and especially not alone. But I was.  If I didn't talk to myself or my stuffed animals and dolls, if I didn't write,  I would not have had the strength to carry on.  I do not doubt that if I didn't have those outlets, I would have taking all that self-deprecation, and made it more physical. I do not doubt that I wouldn't be here if I didn't have those coping methods/friends. So NEVER say your only friends being dolls, concepts, stuffed animals, talents, or whatever, is sad. They helped you move forward. They were your survival.
Its my hope that soon, your self-deprecation comes to a complete halt and turns around and becomes self-love. It won't be easy, and it won't be immediate. It takes work, but you're coming to the realization that many of us have that your only way of surviving is to accept yourself.

[Dani]

I knew when I was a young teenager. I did have some knowledge of others with my condition, but not how to go about correcting it. So, I just lived with my dysphoria and did what was expected of me. I was in denial for about 50 years and I fully expected to live my entire life without transitioning.

Then came some health issues. My prostate starting causing problems. Treatments included Spironolactone and Finasteride, which produced a few dramatic physical changes on their own. Then one day when I was especially depressed, I tried some Premarin and later Estradiol. WOW!!! I never felt so good. I was at peace with the world. Nothing bothered me and I knew what to do. I was 64 years old at the time.

I made an appointment with a therapist and in a few months, I saw an Endocrinologist. The rest is history.

Whatever label you may use to describe my story is not important.

I was.

I struggled.

I transitioned later in life.

I am happy.

[Charlie Nicki]

I knew when I was a young teenager. I did have some knowledge of others with my condition, but not how to go about correcting it. So, I just lived with my dysphoria and did what was expected of me. I was in denial for about 50 years and I fully expected to live my entire life without transitioning.

Then came some health issues. My prostate starting causing problems. Treatments included Spironolactone and Finasteride, which produced a few dramatic physical changes on their own. Then one day when I was especially depressed, I tried some Premarin and later Estradiol. WOW!!! I never felt so good. I was at peace with the world. Nothing bothered me and I knew what to do. I was 64 years old at the time.

I made an appointment with a therapist and in a few months, I saw an Endocrinologist. The rest is history.

Whatever label you may use to describe my story is not important.

I was.

I struggled.

I transitioned later in life.

I am happy.

So happy for you Dani! Your story gives me strength.


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