On life's bumpy road

[Sarah_P]

So I thought I'd finally get around to making a bit of a diary for myself here. I've had a bad habit of not posting much when I'm feeling down, even though I know it would help. I've been a loner for so long, it's hard to break the habit of keeping everything to myself. This first post will probably be long to catch up (sorry!).

So on that subject, about 3 weeks ago I got hit HARD by the dysphoria bus. I was just sitting at work and suddenly I was feeling miserable (I even briefly had trouble breathing!). I didn't know why, and just bottled it up for 2 days straight (causing quite a headache!). Finally I had just gotten home after work & my friends I live with (my best friend of 20 years & his wife) noticed I was looking really down. I just broke down and started crying. Once I got that out of my system, I talked to them & realized I was feeling trapped.
I live in a small Kansas (central USA, for those in other countries) town that's super conservative & religious (plus a lot of people on meth & just plain drunk all the time), and I'm pretty scared about presenting feminine here. So the only times I get to be me is at home & when I get out of town. I hadn't been out of town for several weeks, and it was really wearing on me. Even though I only started transitioning 3 months ago, and just started HRT 2 weeks before, I already feel like 'boy mode' is not me anymore. Dressing male is now crossdressing to me!
Thankfully the very next day we all went grocery shopping out of town & I got to dress appropriately. I felt SO much better after that! Now that I know I feel this way, I need to be sure I try to get out whenever I can, even if it's only for a short drive.

I've been on HRT for 6 weeks now, and I'm noticing some changes. Most obviously, breast buds started developing at about 2 weeks, and my chest has been sore since then (yay?). I even woke up in the middle of the night once when while shifting positions I must have bumped my chest with my arm - it hurt! Never thought I'd be happy to be in pain, but there we are. There's now some general breast growth happening   , though a bit lopsided  .
I'm also noticing my skin seems a little softer, but that might be a result of moisturizing regularly.
I haven't had a lot of mental changes, other than not getting angry as easily as before (and it's not as overwhelming as it once was when I do). I haven't noticed any other major changes (except for mild mood swings), but I also realized just how different my mindset has been since deciding to transition in the first place. I went from being moody, quiet, and angry to being generally happy & smiling far more often, so the hormones might just be 'cementing' that happier mood in.

I had my 3rd laser treatment for my face & neck 10 days ago, and I still don't see any results whatsoever. They've sent me numerous offers for more treatments at heavily discounted prices, but I hate to even consider that until I've seen SOME kind of results.

I mentioned it in another thread, but this last Saturday I had a wonderful girls-day-out shopping trip with a friend. I bought some great new clothes, including 2 dresses I won't really be able to wear (in public, anyway) until I can fill out the top better, but they were too good to pass up!

That's all for now. I'll try to keep up with this, especially when I'm feeling down. I can't be bottling things up anymore!

Thanks for reading, and good night, my sisters!

[Wild Flower]

No... you shouldn't bottle up... time is your most valuable possession. A day in hell is a day ticked off that even money cannot buy. Life is worth more than all the gold on the planet, all the stars in the sky, because it is all there is. I been thinking about a lot of things lately... I lost some money over the weekend... but I felt so numb to it. I didn't change anything the day after, my day went normal; I didn't lose a dime;... Yes, money is valuable, but money cannot buy time... we're all watching the most epic film that we will only see once; Life. Everyone on Earth is watching this film, but the film is shot in many angles with different actors and actresses. You're one of the directors, and the film is filmed once, there's no erasing it.

Lose everything,.... yet the film doesn't stop so move on, let your mind find lemonade in the lemons, no point in sadness, that is just wasting the film roll. All the actors in the film, will not be on the same roll, some leave earlier, some stay past your final scene. Some forgotten, some loved for eternally.

Life is just a film, in the final scene is the eternal scene of the film your creating. One second you see it all, the next scene is "                      ", don't count the parenthesis. There's no blackness either.  Those two dresses you bought are worth millions, if wearing them make you happier; then wear them, it's only your mind that exist in this film. You can cancel out the thoughts of others, what are they to you? Nothing, even less worthy than the air you breathe. Your happiness is all there is, because you are all there is, and no one cares as much about you as yourself.

Both of our cameras connected, out of the infinite/variables scenes you or me could of had, that doesn't make me special, that just makes me as significant as the chair you see... but you saw the chair, and no other chair in that moment in time. Worth trillions. Worth billions. You could had saw anything in the world, but you saw these words instead.

You pay $10 or $20 to watch a Hollywood film, doesn't that film have the same value as seeing the night sky... every second there is equal in value to the next. It's your brain that is capturing it, make every scene worth it... your the most important person in your life; because you're is all there is. I'm just an actor in your life that created those words, which were created by generations of people before me with a technology created based on hundreds of years to get here..... Thank the Sun, the water, the Earth, the minerals in the sky, and the gravity that holds us together, and all the life forms that made us "real" through evolution in life.... without their contribution we wouldn't be here. The first mammal that was born on this planet is a distant relative of all humans... we're all just one family distantly ... everyone has the same DNA of being a homo sapiens... but without the first, we wouldn't be here. 

What is the most valuable action could you take right now, for your future or just the now? That's how we can make the best of life. Without regrets, without fear, without tears. I like crying though at times, it's like being in a sad film where Jack and Rose said goodbye, crying is better with popcorn too.

[Sarah_P]

Spent another girl's day out  , this time with a different girl friend in another nearby town. Did some second-hand shopping  (got a pair of jeans at one place for only $0.10!) & then window shopped at the mall (well, JC Penny's had a nice maxi-skirt I really liked in their clearance area for only $13). Picked up mostly stuff for fall/winter, including a cute pair of boots.
This particular girl friend is actually the same height as me (6'1"), so I felt really comfortable. Actually, she said we were getting some looks that she was sure were people convinced we were a lesbian couple! We're both bi, but not involved that way since she's married.

I never noticed any hair falling out, but I seem to have less dark hair on my face now. My upper lip is still pretty bad, but my cheeks & chin are much better. So I guess the laser treatments ARE working!

I've actually been pretty surprised at my rate of breast growth, and it's occasionally disconcerting. I want them, but was counting on them remaining hidden for a few more months (then baggy winter clothes can conceal them further).  They're not really all that big yet, but are somewhat noticeable through a t-shirt if I lean back. I'm sure I can pass them off as moobs for now, though. 

[Laurie]

Hi Sarah,

  I think you starting this thread is a good thing for you to do. If nothing else it documents where you are in this journey of yours. Several of us have done the same.
  It sounds like you do have outlets for your need to dress as yourself and that is a good thing for sure.
  I look forward to reading  more here of  the life and times of Sarah_P.

  Laurie

[Ashley3]

... about 3 weeks ago I got hit HARD by the dysphoria bus. ...I live in a small Kansas ... and I'm pretty scared about presenting feminine here. ... Thankfully the very next day we all went grocery shopping out of town & I got to dress appropriately. I felt SO much better after that! Now that I know I feel this way, I need to be sure I try to get out whenever I can, even if it's only for a short drive. ...

Hey Sarah, sorry to hear you live in a place which makes it difficult to head out locally. I hope that changes for you. In the meantime I'm glad getting out of town is a viable option.

I used to think my own town was closed-minded to the point where I'd not wear a skirt or dress out in the local area. It turned out that was mostly my own early transition anxiety thing. I sense your situation is vastly different but I'm hoping you can find something to make your environment a paradise... or move to one if that doesn't seem viable.

... There's now some general breast growth happening   , though a bit lopsided  . ...

Slight asymmetry with breasts is quite common with ciswomen. My understanding is it can be more marked during puberty. Remember when you start HRT it's a little like going through puberty. You should ask your doctor as an aside to ensure it's not anything else (I say that as a disclaimer, not because I feel there's a need). I asked my doc about this, she and others have confirmed... it's very common. You might web search for "is it normal for a woman breast to be different sizes"   ...and ask your doc.

[Sarah_P]

Hi Sarah,

  I think you starting this thread is a good thing for you to do. If nothing else it documents where you are in this journey of yours. Several of us have done the same.
  It sounds like you do have outlets for your need to dress as yourself and that is a good thing for sure.
  I look forward to reading  more here of  the life and times of Sarah_P.

  Laurie

Thanks Laurie! I've never really had a journal or diary before, but than I again it's been a long time since I've cared enough about my life to even consider one. I actually want to remember all that happens on my journey to a happy life.

[Sarah_P]

I used to think my own town was closed-minded to the point where I'd not wear a skirt or dress out in the local area. It turned out that was mostly my own early transition anxiety thing. I sense your situation is vastly different but I'm hoping you can find something to make your environment a paradise... or move to one if that doesn't seem viable.

I'd like to think I'm just being paranoid, but I've seen how a gay couple was treated here. Now with some people
feeling like it's their right to hate & discriminate these days, I'm feeling caution is certainly warranted. I'm capable of defending myself - I once was a brown belt in Karate, but I haven't exactly kept up with it over the years. Plus I bought a little taser if that fails.

Slight asymmetry with breasts is quite common with ciswomen. My understanding is it can be more marked during puberty. Remember when you start HRT it's a little like going through puberty. You should ask your doctor as an aside to ensure it's not anything else (I say that as a disclaimer, not because I feel there's a need). I asked my doc about this, she and others have confirmed... it's very common. You might web search for "is it normal for a woman breast to be different sizes"   ...and ask your doc.

I just learned about that yesterday from my friend I was out with, so I'm not concerned about it for now. Thanks!

[Tommie_9]

Hi Sarah,

I live in a small, conservative Southern USA town, so I relate to you. You'll get more comfortable as you go along. It's only natural to get down and cry sometimes. Finding "safe" out-of-town places to shop and do stuff is a great plan. I love shopping as a girl. I just got home from shopping at the market for dinner tonight and a stock boy called me 'sir' when I asked where the pasta was. Dammit!  But I was in more of a non-binary, not trying very hard mode, so no biggie. Bumpy roads are normal. Good vibes your way!

Tommie

[Sarah_P]

I live in a small, conservative Southern USA town, so I relate to you. You'll get more comfortable as you go along. It's only natural to get down and cry sometimes. Finding "safe" out-of-town places to shop and do stuff is a great plan. I love shopping as a girl. I just got home from shopping at the market for dinner tonight and a stock boy called me 'sir' when I asked where the pasta was. Dammit!  But I was in more of a non-binary, not trying very hard mode, so no biggie. Bumpy roads are normal. Good vibes your way!

Thanks Tommie!    Yes, girl shopping is great!! I can spend hours (and have!) in one store. I need to be saving up money, but I'm a bit addicted to clothes shopping. 
I have yet to be misgendered in either mode. I'm really looking forward to my first male-fail (or dread it, depending on the circumstances!). My friends say I actually pass very well, and look quite a bit different between both 'modes', but I haven't fully accepted that yet. I think once I don't have to wear artificial things like wigs & breastforms, I'll feel much more confident.

[Sarah_P]

Not a lot going on this last week. As I said in another thread, I contacted a friend I hadn't spoken to in almost 5 years, and he was completely understanding & supportive. He also only lives 30 miles away!

My 4th laser appointment is this Saturday. I'm actually looking forward to it, since I've started seeing results. The only thing I don't look forward to is going out of town but remaining in male mode. I still have too much facial hair to go out as female without makeup, and of course I can't have makeup on when I'm getting lasered. I thought about wearing a surgical mask or something, but decided not to. Besides, I'm not out to the people there yet.

I've been noticing my boobs are actually fairly noticeable unless I wear a baggy shirt (which I do when presenting male anyway). Decided to do some measuring, and it looks like I have *almost* an A cup already. I even have some jiggle if I bounce just right!    I think my hips are starting to fill out a little, too. I haven't been measuring them, but I'm going to start doing so now.

I'm eating fairly normally (sometimes too much!), which I'm sure is helping everything grow, but too much is going to my belly. I exercise about 30 minutes every morning, which I'm sure is the only thing keeping my gut in check. Now that it's cooling off, I might start waking back & forth to work again. It's only about a 12 minute walk, but doing it 4 times a day helps.

[Laurie]

 Hi Sarah,

  All I have to say to you girls that can utilize laser is "it must be nice" It just wouldn't work on my blond and grey hairs so I'm destined to a life of having them zapped, boiled and then pulled out one hair at a time. I've decided on 3 one hour visit to my electrocutioner each month. Due to scheduling constraints I'll be enduring all three within an 8 day period. That means about a week of fuzzy faced itching.
  I'm glad you've reconnected with your friend again and it's sure a bonus that they are accepting. Enjoy that. You do know that your wouldn't have to sneak around if you just came out  and began living as yourself don't you? I tell you if you can pull it off it makes life much easier once all the fallout settles. Oh okay, yes I know it can be too costly at this point in your transition but that day will eventually come.
  You're doing fine Sarah. Keep it up.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Janes Groove]

I live in a small Kansas (central USA, for those in other countries) town that's super conservative & religious (plus a lot of people on meth & just plain drunk all the time),

Oh my God, that sounds BRUTAL!  You poor thing.  I'm lucky to live in Denver where being trans is much more casual.  But if you ever feel like it we have transgender support groups and low cost therapy at the GIC  and have people come from nebraska, wyoming, kansas to attend (I'm lucky that I only live a few blocks away from there).  I even know one woman who used to come from North Dakota before she finally moved to Denver.

[Toni]

Hi Sarah, you're young and already look pretty good, so I bet transitioning will be easy for you!  West Texas is as scary as they come regarding not passing.  I keep pretty androgynous, at best, out here.  But when I go to Austin or San Antonio (shopping, therapy, or hrt) I go a lot more femme and love it too, even though I know I don't really pass.  One help, I found, is just like in the movies.  just keep telling yourself "I belong here".  I really do think others pick up on our own apprehension so a little courage goes a long way and self confidence will build.  You're doing fine and lots of good people here to share with.  Toni

[Sarah_P]

Hi Sarah,

  All I have to say to you girls that can utilize laser is "it must be nice" It just wouldn't work on my blond and grey hairs so I'm destined to a life of having them zapped, boiled and then pulled out on hair at a time. I've decided on 3 one hour visit to my electrocutioner each month. Due to scheduling constraints I'll be enduring all three with in an 8 day period. That means about a week of fuzzy faced itching.
  I'm glad you've reconnected with your friend again and it's sure a bonus that they are accepting. Enjoy that. You do know that your wouldn't have to sneak around if you just came out  and began living as yourself don't you? I tell you if you can pull it off it makes life much easier once all the fallout settles. Oh okay, yes I know it can be too costly at this point in your transition but that day will eventually come.
  You're doing fine Sarah. Keep it up.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Thanks Laurie! [emoji1] I'm happy the laser is finally working, but I know I'll have to visit the electrocutioner myself eventually. I've got a bunch of gray hairs that the laser probably won't zap.
I so want to start living full time! I should wait until I move somewhere safer, but I've been seriously considering going ahead.

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[Sarah_P]

Oh my God, that sounds BRUTAL!  You poor thing.  I'm lucky to live in Denver where being trans is much more casual.  But if you ever feel like it we have transgender support groups and low cost therapy at the GIC  and have people come from nebraska, wyoming, kansas to attend (I'm lucky that I only live a few blocks away from there).  I even know one woman who used to come from North Dakota before she finally moved to Denver.

I'd love to live out there. As much as I'd miss seeing my friends, I'd really like to get out of the Kansas / Missouri area.
I have friends in Denton TX that will help if I wanted to move down there, but TX is a bit scary for us right now.
I thought I had some friends in Denver, but it turns out they moved to N Carolina. [emoji58]

Who knows, with our hateful racist anti-LGBT+ govener heading out (so far the only thing I can thank trump for) things *might* get better in Kansas. Probably not.[emoji27]

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[Sarah_P]

Hi Sarah, you're young and already look pretty good, so I bet transitioning will be easy for you!  West Texas is as scary as they come regarding not passing.  I keep pretty androgynous, at best, out here.  But when I go to Austin or San Antonio (shopping, therapy, or hrt) I go a lot more femme and love it too, even though I know I don't really pass.  One help, I found, is just like in the movies.  just keep telling yourself "I belong here".  I really do think others pick up on our own apprehension so a little courage goes a long way and self confidence will build.  You're doing fine and lots of good people here to share with.  Toni

Thanks Toni! ::hugs::
It's not as bad as it used to be, but I still feel a little nervous every time I go out. But, I've found after a little while I kind of forget to be worried and just enjoy myself (the hour drive to KC helps [emoji4]).

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[Laurie]

Thanks Laurie! [emoji1] I'm happy the laser is finally working, but I know I'll have to visit the electrocutioner myself eventually. I've got a bunch of gray hairs that the laser probably won't zap.
I so want to start living full time! I should wait until I move somewhere safer, but I've been seriously considering going ahead.

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  I have to admit Sarah, Kansas is the only state that I was a bit concern with being in on my road trip after hearing how hostile it seems to be towards us. I've had to traverse it several times but that was the first times I did it as my authentic self. Not a good feeling. Moving just may be in your best interest.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Sarah_P]

  I have to admit Sarah, Kansas is the only state that I was a bit concern with being in on my road trip after hearing how hostile it seems to be towards us. I've had to traverse it several times but that was the first times I did it as my authentic self. Not a good feeling. Moving just may be in your best interest.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Lawrence is great, and KC is ok for the most part, but yeah, the rest is kinda scary.
As soon as I can come up with money to do so, and a new or potential job, I'm moving. I originally planned on doing my legal name & gender change first, but it's looking like that may be more trouble than its worth here.

I have a LARGE collection of anime stuff I'm wanting to sell, which could potentially pay for the move. Problem is selling online is too slow (I've been trying) & conventions cost a lot for tables. I'd like to sell it all at once to a dealer, as long as I get a fair price.
I used to be manager of an anime store, & was friends with a lot of other dealers, but lost touch with them all. Maybe I'll try & get in touch with some of them.

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[JustJenny]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for sharing your story. I cannot imagine what it must be like for you to live in a small town in Kansas and be trans. I guess I am lucky I live somewhere that is much more trans-friendly.

I see that you eventually plan to move. How soon (realistically) do you think you'll be able to do that? I bet you'd probably feel a lot more confident going out in public as Sarah after you move.

Jenny

[Laurie]

Sarah,

You and I will have to stay in touch as I get through Kansas usually a few times a year and may be doing so again in  a month or so. I have more fishing time on my fishing license in Missouri to use so perhaps we will be able to meet sometime.
  Have you thought of where you might be moving to? Around Denver is not bad and both Oregon (where I am) and Washington are pretty trans friendly. Plus you can smoke pot recreationally if that is your wont. I personally do not indulge. But those are a few places to keep in mind.

Hugs,
   Laurie