Wondering if I should tell my boyfriend's family I'm trans

[Julia1996]

Hi everyone. I'm wondering if I should tell my boyfriend's family I'm trans. I have insisted that my boyfriend not tell his family I'm trans. I only just met his family a couple of weeks ago. I had put it off as long as possible.  Finally Tristan was at the point of getting mad about my endless excuses for not meeting them. The whole thought of meeting them totally stressed me out. I had visions of them calling me out as trans as soon as they met me. That didn't happen and they were all very nice to me. Even so being around them stresses me out.

Tristan wants to tell them I'm trans. He thinks if they know I will be much more relaxed around them. He told me that they have no idea I'm trans but I still get totally stressed out worrying that I will do something or that they will notice something that's going to out me. It's impossible for me to be totally relaxed around them.

The second reason he wants to tell them is because he thinks it would be better to tell them and have them already know than to find out if someone outs me in public, which has already happened when I've been with him. I wasn't worried about that because I didn't ever plan on being out in public with them. But Tristan said that it would be unrealistic to think I would never be in public with them. And he said if I never accepted invitations to go somewhere with them they would take offense at that.

He said his parents and brothers  won't have a problem with it and that they are accepting and open minded.  But even if they are accepting of trans people that doesn't mean they will be accepting of their son/brother dating a transgirl. There are a lot of ways I can picture this becoming a total trainwreck. If his parents and especially his brothers are not accepting of me being trans things could get very unpleasant for Tristan at home. I'm afraid if that happens Tristan is going to decide that dating me isn't worth the stress.

He's also starting to annoy me because he keeps saying it wouldn't be a big deal and acting like it's nothing. It's a HUGE deal for me! He can think that his parents aren't going to care but he can't know that for a fact. I especially worry about how his brothers may react. They are young guys after all. I don't even want to think about how unpleasant their reactions could be.

Tristan is right about the fact that I can't really expect that I will never be out in public with them. But the thought of telling them I'm trans is totally stressing me out. I'm about to start crying thinking about it. I HATE being trans! Things that are simple and everyday for cis people are a total nightmare for me.

[Serana95]

The sooner the better imo.

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[Chloe]

Tristan must be very happy, proud of you to introduce, tell his parents.
I take it he's not 'gay', have any other LGBT issues (in connection with his family)?

He thinks if they know I will be much more relaxed around them.

I cannot imagine the added stress of YOU wanting to tell them.

I'd keep telling Tristan to "chill", "stop pushing" until you feel more relaxed, get to know them better.

The 'right time' will present itself!! My father expressed nothing but love & support when I told him . . . older sister said "haha knew all along" but my 'gay boyfriend"? Not so much . . .

[Ryuichi13]

I would think that if he explain how you met, tells them how he feels about you to them and you also tell them how you feel about Tristan first, and THEN tell them, it might go easier. 

I mean, if you love him, and he loves you, who are they to say your relationship is wrong?  Most family members want their loved one to be happy.

Be ready to have some youtube videos explaining what trans is as well.  And to answer a lot of questions too.

Let us know how things go, okay? 

And either way, good luck!

Ryuichi

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[amandam]

Sooner or later, they will want you to go places with them. That's what ciswomen do. If you want to experience all they experience, you might have to decide to tell them. Better coming from you, than from others at the mall, restaurant, etc. But, he needs to wait for your decision and not push it.

[sarah1972]

In the end it has to be you decision when and how to tell.

On the other hand he seems to be proud of you seems to love you. He also seems to be confident enough wanting to share this with his family. His family bond is strong enough that h does not want to hide anything.

I am really not sure what is more stressful: my wife does not want to tell her parents at all. Down to the point where I have to b careful what to wear when we do FaceTime. It is actually causing quite some stress for me. I'd much rather get over the initial surprise and anger than keeping up that stress.

But again: it is always up to the trans person to decide whom, when and what to tell... your BF will have to understand that too...

Let us know how you decide!

[Gertrude]

While it's your business who you are, you're asking him to lie through omission. I think both of you need to work out when it happens, but I think in the long run, honesty is the best policy. The longer you wait, the more shame attaches, which will have consequences with your relationship with him.


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[Artesia]

My wife passed it on to her family a couple months ago.  Her family wants her to divorce me, well at least most of them.  There are a couple who are fine with it.  I find it odd, because her family has a large amount of Lesbians in it.  You won't ever know if you don't let them know who you are.  Do it on your own time, and when you feel comfortable.

[Gertrude]

My wife passed it on to her family a couple months ago.  Her family wants her to divorce me, well at least most of them.  There are a couple who are fine with it.  I find it odd, because her family has a large amount of Lesbians in it.  You won't ever know if you don't let them know who you are.  Do it on your own time, and when you feel comfortable.

The LGB isn't a guarantee that T is welcome. I found out at a local Pink Pistols chapter. A few of them raised the question why T should be part of LGB at all and they didn't like the increase in trans membership. It seemed like some were looking to pickup as much as shoot...and here I had thought we were all in the same boat and politics didn't even enter it. I mean, just look at the ravaging Jenner takes because she doesn't sing from the official hymnal. I guess what I'm saying is nothing is a lock on what you'd expect.


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[Artesia]

The LGB isn't a guarantee that T is welcome. I found out at a local Pink Pistols chapter. A few of them raised the question why T should be part of LGB at all and they didn't like the increase in trans membership. It seemed like some were looking to pickup as much as shoot...and here I had thought we were all in the same boat and politics didn't even enter it. I mean, just look at the ravaging Jenner takes because she doesn't sing from the official hymnal. I guess what I'm saying is nothing is a lock on what you'd expect.


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I understand that, I just find it weird.  It's like a Star Wars fan not liking Star Trek and vice versa.  Both have their own merits and flaws.  Both are entertaining SciFi adventures.  To those who don't care, they are one in the same.  Just ask my wife, she can't tell the difference.

[Gertrude]

I understand that, I just find it weird.  It's like a Star Wars fan not liking Star Trek and vice versa.  Both have their own merits and flaws.  Both are entertaining SciFi adventures.  To those who don't care, they are one in the same.  Just ask my wife, she can't tell the difference.

Absolutely:)


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[rose]

Usually guys who are from transphobic background are shame to be seen with their trans girlfriend
And don't let her meet their family or friends
He know his family if he did not think they will be ok with it he won't push it or show you to them

[Lady Sarah]

Julia you are a smart young lady and will figure out on your own when you are comfortable with letting them know. I know it can be tough.

The only time I met my husband's brothers and sisters was at his mother's funeral. He has never been comfortable around his brothers,and has always been on thin ice around his sisters, after his father put him up for adoption. There was no way he was going to tell them, and I didn't want to tell them either. It's none of their business.

If you decide it's important to tell Tristan's family, then you can decide when to tell them.

[Bari Jo]

The LGB isn't a guarantee that T is welcome.

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I've noticed this big time.  In fact the least tolerant people I know are gay men.  The couple I'm thinking of aren't accepting at all for trans people.  It's always made me uncomfortable around them.  I wasn't myself to them so they wouldn't know I was   They think it's politics, but it's the intolerance.