How Do I Know if I Really am MTF? What am I?

[JustJenny]

I'm sure this has been asked a million times already, but here goes. I can remember having the sensation that "it" wasn't supposed to be there when I was young as 4 or 5 years old and sometimes when I "O" I have to think about it as a clitoris. Sometimes I think I have something like phantom limb syndrome for a clitoris and breasts.

On the other hand, I've never hated my male genitals, have never dressed up, and am attracted to girls.

What am I?

[rorgg]

You and me both, sister.  But i've recently reclassified myself from the CD I thought of myself as for 30+ years to trans, and even with nobody else knowing, this feels more like my truth.


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[Laurie]

I'm sure this has been asked a million times already, but here goes. I can remember having the sensation that "it" wasn't supposed to be there when I was young as 4 or 5 years old and sometimes when I "O" I have to think about it as a clitoris. Sometimes I think I have something like phantom limb syndrome for a clitoris and breasts.

On the other hand, I've never hated my male genitals, have never dressed up, and am attracted to girls.

What am I?

  Hi Jenny,

  If you are really questioning and are not sure enough to more on or not comfortable staying where you are I would highly suggest you do some talking with a gender therapist about it if you aren't doing so already.  There is no real hurry  to rush into things. Take your time and figure things out and when you are comfortable then do what you feel you need to do.  For myself it was an easy choice. I had 64 years of wishing I could have been born a girl and envying girls and women. Whn I had the opportunity to start HRT I jumped on it. Sure I've been asailed with doubts before almost every step I've taken since but That first one I knew was right.
  So take your time to decide what is right for you.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Ashley3]

What am I?

In the way you're asking, I think only you can answer through exploration.

Can I ask... do you feel a need to express a feminine side of your life to any degree? What gives rise to the post/question? (I can assume but it may be helpful for you to go through the motions of answering... which is why I ask.)

Seeing an excellent gender therapist is always recommended... I'd recommend not replacing therapy for forum discussion... that said, discussion here can be robust and extremely helpful... perhaps a great counterpart to therapy.

[Bari Jo]

Hi Jenny, I second the gender therapist.  I didn't have one till this latest bout of hrt.  Struggling with that question internally can really take its toll on you.  To help you answer, write a list of things you did from birth till now that makes you question a bit.  Maybe take a few days to do this.  For me my list was long and the more I put these items together, there's no way I couldn't be transgender.  It convinced me to stop trying to be male, give in and go on hrt for good.  When you do your list, you might not have the same reaction, but it will be something to discuss with your gender therapist.

[JustJenny]

Thanks everyone for the nice replies. No, I'm not seeing a gender therapist. Even just creating a profile and posting here was a big step for me. I may very well be in denial, not ready to face the truth a therapist would uncover.

[Dena]

For this argument, there are two issues. Ones is sexual preference - who you go to bed with and gender preference - who you go to bed as. When you are determining if your are transgender, only gender preference is important. We have many MTFs who became lesbian and we have FTM who are in a gay relationship.

I have place these links all over the site and while they might not be the final answer, the will help you explore your feelings. The first is our WIKI where the term transgender is explored. The second is "the transition channel" where a gender therapist will help you explore your feelings. In the end, only you can decide what you are but feel free to ask as many questions as needed.

[Roll]

Thanks everyone for the nice replies. No, I'm not seeing a gender therapist. Even just creating a profile and posting here was a big step for me. I may very well be in denial, not ready to face the truth a therapist would uncover.

I avoided therapy like the plague for my entire life, up until a few weeks ago. It has been a wonderful experience, and I really regret putting it off for so long. They can't really uncover anything that you don't want to uncover, it's just a way to really talk things through with someone who is (at least is supposed to be) an experienced voice in the subject at hand and knows how to ask the right questions to place you on the path your mind wants to go.

Trust me, I know it's scary. My first post here just prior to starting to see the therapist was just insanely nerve wracking. Hitting send on e-mails to the therapists even more so. The fear was just unreal, and I was battling back tears while wanting to throw up. But they have also been two of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

[Ashley3]

... Even just creating a profile and posting here was a big step for me. ...

Congrats on that step! ... I can relate!

[JoanneB]

How about looking at your "Questioning" a slightly different way?

Humans have a penchant for driving themselves crazy with worry, among a lot of other things. When you phrase the question as; "Am I a Male to Female Trans-(Insert favorite term)" You are looking at the situation in purely binary terms. It's either a 1 or a 0. I am either "Male", or "Female", however you, or if you wish society, defines them.

How about asking yourself; "Am I a Cis-Male?"

Being trans means you are "Somewhere on the spectrum" between Cis-Female and Cis-Male. There are multiple multi-verses in that vast space between the two "Binaries".  You likely already know you are not "Cis". Just thinking about asking, pretty much says you aint. The really hard question to ask is; "Where on the spectrum am I TODAY?". What do yo need to do or change about yourself to make you feel more at ease being you. Or is just even figuring out who or what "You" are. I've been at it for 8 years now and barel have a handle on it

[JustJenny]

Hi Joanne,

Great comment! I agree with you that I'm probably not a cismale just because I've been thinking about this for so long. I think what's causing a lot of my questioning really is something like phantom limb syndrome. There really are times I think I can feel breasts and a clitoris I clearly don't have. There's more to it than that, and I don't hate the equipment I've got, but the phantom thing is a big part of it for me. I don't know where that puts me on the gender spectrum, but, as you say, it probably means not cismale.

[JustJenny]

I just found this article which talks about a possible link between transsexualism and phantom limb syndrome: http://www.thedailybeast.com/what-science-can-tell-us-about-trans-peoples-brainsand-what-it-cannot