Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 11, 2017, 01:17:54 AM
Then it'll be on to Facebook....
So... I plan to post a full week of quotes while I finish clueing in the last few people on my list, then make the announcement and change the name and gender marker, and sit back to watch the fallout. Should be interesting...
Well, I accelerated the schedule and came out on Facebook tonight. Some of the following is redundant (the quotes were posted in another thread), but I wanted to present a complete picture of how I went about it, along with my coming-out letter.
Steph
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For the last three days I've been posting, without comment, quotes from famous people that apply to my situation. Here they are in the order I posted them:
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Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
-Steve Jobs
To be nobody-but-yourself – in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you somebody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
-ee cummings
The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.
- Joseph Campbell
Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.
-Janis Joplin
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
- Walter Winchell
Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr Seuss
The real you does not need fixing. Only the surface layer of you seems to need improvement. Your innate wholeness has never been damaged except in your thoughts. You have been taught that life is a problem, you are defective, and you must face and overcome an endless series of issues and obstacles before you can be enough. None of that is true. You are not a black hole that needs to be filled. You are a light that needs to be shined.
- Alan Cohen
Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
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Don't Settle.
- Steve Jobs
I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy.
- Richard Bach
We do not make friends, we recognize them.
-G Henrichs
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Listening is being able to be changed by the other person.
- Alan Alda
Don't be afraid to take a big step when one is indicated. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
- Buckminster Fuller
The last post before I published the letter was a link to a music video. It's the song that I consider to be my anthem as I work through this:
And here is the letter:
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Hello, friends. It's been a very long time...
I'm sure you're all wondering about my social experiment over the last few days. There was a real purpose to it. I realize this is a wall of text, but please stick with me.
As you read the quotes, did you actually stop and think about them? They got a fair number of likes, but was that just because they're pretty words, or because you actually believe and *live* what they say?
They can be categorized into two topics. One is the importance to your mental health of living an integrated, balanced, *authentic* life, without worrying about other people's opinions. The other is the importance of true friends who will back you no matter what, versus those who will reject you because of preconceptions, misconceptions, and prejudices; how to tell the difference, and what to do with either one.
All this has a reason other than just an Einsteinian thought experiment. I'm not a preacher, and I'm not out to change anyone. If you have put any thought into these quotes, it should be easy for you to decide how to deal with the news I'm going to hit you with.
I'll preface this by making it clear that it's not like I'm dying, though there were times in the last couple of years when that was a close possibility. I am, however, dealing with a medical condition that I was born with, and have been suffering from my entire life. There were long stretches when the condition could be successfully suppressed, but it was always simmering in the background. It is not a psychiatric condition, though it can induce paranoia, anxiety, shame, guilt, and fear, to the extent at times that the sufferer cannot carry on. In fact, 41% of those who have this condition attempt suicide. I had made plans to exercise that option if necessary. Why would a non-psychiatric condition induce all those terrible symptoms? It's because of the way our society treats those who suffer from and seek treatment for it.
The condition is physiological (actually neurobiological) in nature, and has become well understood in the last 20 years or so. The causes are starting to become clear, and the treatment is very effective, with an extremely low 2% failure rate. 1.4 Million people suffer from it in the US. This is one for every 234 people in this country. There's a pretty good chance you have already met someone with this condition, whether you know it or not.
In my case, I've known about it since before puberty. It has made the last half-century a painful mental challenge as I tried to appear *normal* by established societal standards. But due to many factors that created a perfect storm, back in May of this year I experienced a complete melt-down, and was pretty much non-functional for days, and sometimes weeks at a time. Something had to be done about it, so Sue and I consulted both a therapist and a doctor, and their diagnoses agreed not only with each other, but also with what I already knew. This condition is called gender dysphoria. In other words, I am, and always have been, transgender.
So what is gender dysphoria? Clinically, it's a mismatch between a person's deeply held understanding of their *self*, and the body they wear. Practically, it's the *fact* that you *know* yourself to be of the opposite gender from the suit you inhabit. And the physiological causes are becoming clearer as well. A researcher who knows what to look for can study an fMRI or a brain post-mortem and very reliably discern whether that brain was from a male or a female. During gestation, all fetuses start out female. During the process, there will (or will not) be a wash of testosterone, which starts out masculinizing the body, and finally the brain. If something disrupts that process, you end up with a mismatch. If you're interested in learning more, watch this short clip from a lecture about dimorphism of the brain:
Those of you who've known me the longest may look back at some of the events in my younger life and think, "yeah, *now* that makes sense." Those who I met when I was older only knew me after I "perfected" my male act. And it was indeed an act. You learn exactly what society expects from your particular morphology, and exactly how that same society punishes those who don't comply - and you learn how to show the world what they expect to see, regardless of what that does to you inside. This is what induces all of the anxiety, and drives the high suicide rate. Everybody wants to fit in and get along. Nobody wants to be called out as a freak.
To the doubters out there, to those who follow and believe the mass media dog-and-pony shows and the politically-driven posturing, let me make this very clear: This is *not* a lifestyle choice. Nobody would *ever* choose to suffer from this condition. Living in fear of discovery every day of your life, sometimes with the consequence of physical violence and even murder. The only *choice* is to either pursue treatment or continue to live in misery. Well, there is a third choice: 41% of people attempt that. When was the last time you woke up in the morning and put any thought at all into your gender? Yeah, happens every day, all day, for me. I need to also make clear that any other "treatment" other than the course I am following is not just ineffective, but causes further harm. Conversion therapy, massive doses of testosterone, etc. are junk science and create individuals who are even more badly broken.
As a practical matter, what does that mean for me? What does the treatment entail? In a nutshell, the patient undergoes what's known colloquially as _transition_. It's managed by a therapist and a licensed endocrinologist, and starts with hormone replacement therapy (HRT), which is quite an amazing process. Typically, a preliminary check on the correctness of the diagnosis is to prescribe low doses of a testosterone blocker and estrogen. If we're on the right track, it induces a state of calmness. Essentially, the brain, which has been running on the wrong fuel since puberty, finally gets the right stuff. If the diagnosis is incorrect, the symptoms almost immediately worsen. For me, all the noise - the squirrels running around in my head - went away, and a sense of peace prevailed. With that test passed, the dosages are increased and monitored. The hormones re-sculpt and feminize the soft tissues of the body. (This is the process for male-to-female treatments - AKA MtF. Note that with the correct hormones, the process also works in the reverse direction for FtM patients.) When started as a young adult, the end result is remarkable. Those of us who were forced to wait until after a half-century of what is essentially testosterone poisoning have a harder time of it, but can still be ok with a little help. After only 3.5 months of therapy, the first 60 days of which were very low-dose, I am already experiencing substantial changes.
There are international standards of care (SOC) published by the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH), and all reputable professionals follow their guidance. Elective cosmetic procedures such as hair grafts, facial hair removal, facial surgery, etc., can be initiated at any time, but no doctor will allow the pursuit of anything more substantial until the patient lives in the new role for at least a year. This is to make absolutely sure that this is the correct path to follow, before anything irreversible takes place. And yes, we are talking about what is currently known as Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS).
I started HRT on the first day of summer this year. I started laser hair removal last Wednesday. I will be attending a clinic on October 25th to start the name change process. And very soon, possibly by the middle of November, I will begin living as my true self full-time.
There have been ups and downs - about a month ago I was so low that bottom looked like up. I was gripped by deep depression and self-doubt. This isn't uncommon in the early stages of transition - consider that what is happening is in reality a second puberty. Since then things have stabilized and I have reached a new level of peace. I have come out to many people so far. Frankly, Facebook is the last stop - once you're out on FB, you're out to the world, and I had to work up to that. In order of priority, I told Sue, my Mom and sister, close friends, neighbors, then friends further away who I see fairly often. Coming out is a very scary process. I have been told horror stories, some from people I've become friends with, of losing everything - being rejected by family and friends, losing their homes, being refused treatment by medical "professionals," ending up on the street. This made it terrifying every time I told someone new. You learn to plan for the worst and hope for the best. But everyone, and I mean every single person that I've told, has been supportive and accepting. I am incredibly lucky and humbled to have such wonderful people as friends. Though few people who haven't suffered through this can truly understand what it's like, that is not necessary for them to want me to shed the pain I've been dealing with, and move toward a happy life. And before you ask, Sue has been wonderful. She is my most ardent advocate, and my rock when things get shaky. Without her, I probably wouldn't be here to report this to you. She, in a very real sense, saved my life.
Concerning names: I had decided to wait until I talked with my mom to see if she'd had a girl name picked out for me when I was born. She couldn't remember, but we theorized that it probably would have been the name my sister ended up with. So I have decided to simply feminize Stephen to Stephanie. Last name will remain the same. The middle name was problematic, but also an opportunity to be creative. I had a hard time finding something I liked, scouring through the baby name websites, trying to find something that not only had some meaning to me, but also started with the right letter (R), had the right number of syllables (3) and had the emphasis on the right syllable (the first). I finally ran across a word that's not really a name, but seemed to fit. I've always loved music, to listen to and to make, so I started looking around for a musical word. I found one that means "improvisational" which fits, since I'm making this up as I go along, and "joyful" which I certainly am now. The word is _Rhapsody_.
Stephanie Rhapsody XXX. It's a pleasure to meet you again for the first time. My friends call me Steph.
I can truly say that even though I'm in the early stages of treatment, I have never, in my entire life, been this happy. It's not an ecstatic, over-the-top type of joyfulness, but more a deep, quiet contentment and satisfaction. Everybody tells me I seem kinder and I smile a lot more. Most of it is because I'm finally addressing the cause of literally a half-century of misery, but the rest is due to all the love I've received from everyone around me. Dealing with this has only strengthened our relationships. There are some here on Facebook who already know, and have become full members of the SSG (Steph Support Group) by showing their support and love. I invite the rest of you to join, too.
I'm happy to answer any reasonable questions, either here on the page or via a direct email at
stephversion2.0@gmail.com. And I'll add a word of caution: hate will not be tolerated. For anyone who chooses to disrespect or reject me, the feeling will be mutual and you will immediately and without regret be poofed to the repository. With all the good friends I have, and after fifty years of chaos, there is no reason for me to tolerate any negativity. Time for another quote:
- Don't be afraid to shed the weight of those who don't support you. As in aviation, you must add lightness to fly. -
That was written by someone I've known my whole life, and you're just meeting: Ms. Stephanie Rhapsody XXX.
But enough of that. I believe that my friendships with all of you have been built on mutual respect, and I have no reason to expect anything but the best from the good people you are.
This, then, is my manifesto, and the distillation of all the previous quotes: I will no longer allow society and closed-minded people to dictate the way I live my life. I will exercise the right I have earned - as a human being who has tried to live a good life, who has always tried to treat other people with dignity and respect, who knows without question that this is the right thing to do - to live a complete, authentic life.
I turned 59 years old in September. That is far too long to live an incomplete life; I refuse to die before I have fully lived. I will, without hesitation or apology, remove those from my life who do not support me. And I will embrace and love with all my heart those who do. I hope you are among them.
Steph XXX
