Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 18, 2017, 12:22:41 AM
After all the positive feedback from coming out on Facebook, I've come to a sad realization. If I had known that I would have had all this support, I could have done this long ago, and cut a lot of pain out of my life. This is what happens when you let fear make your decisions for you.
.....
The good news is, by ridding myself of the testosterone poisoning, I'm adding about 5 years to my lifespan. Even though I'm getting a late start, my wife and I still have a lot of living to do.
To quote Ashley again, Onward We Go! ® © ™ (The check's in the mail.)
Steph
I will devil's advocate this, yeah I've kicked myself for not transitioning a couple of years or even 15 years earlier.
I can't regret not having to jump through as many hoops as I would have back when I first realized and if I had goen that early, I'd have been what I fear - more passable but without the quieter thought process that came with changing my thinking. Today I pass emotionally and think and process in characteristically female ways. The one thing I never wanted to be was passing physically while retaining all the masculine behaviors that came with being amab.
My more recent context still required the now 4 years I've put into therapy. Had I realized say 5 years ago that yes I needed to transition some physical aspects would have been easier, like I'd have had paid time off or disability leave. However I would have been wallpapering over other problems. In these years I've addressed a career that was making me unhappy and established myself as a glass artist and more importantly, addressed abuse that I'd experienced as a kid that in turn were masked beneath many layers of coping mechanisms that I had to deal with first.
I've looked at lots of things with 20:20 hindsight -- a couple of motorcycle accidents come to mind and on thinking through the details, my conclusion has always been that the alternatives were potentially far worse.
I don't believe in coincidence and I do believe in magic - that force that drives us towards our better selves as long as we're making space and letting our egos take a back seat. The people who have abused me or hurt me most in my life seem to live ever more isolated lives. As I followed a path of spiritual awakening, I've seen how that magic that makes me better able to connect with people, I've seen others who just become more bitter and angry.
On April 26 as I was on the operating table about to go under I sat alone with my outstanding fears thinking I had about 20 seconds to change my mind. In that moment Heidi Wittenberg held my hand -- I knew before looking over it was her hands holding mine because they're so cold :-).
That was the right time for me, the right place and (ok aside from not really passing and definitely not being the cute chick I would imagine myself as) I'm ecstatic with where I landed.
Back when I first realized I'm transexual I told myself I'd transition in a heartbeat if I could be assured of being cute on the other side. Alas, cute ain't in the offing for me and then and at many points along the way I said to myself (and others) "yes I'm not transitioning mostly out of vanity, how femme does
that feel?". Two decades later I've worn off the rough edges and realized that having become the girl I needed to be inside it was the right time for her outsides to match the best as possible.
