The Stephanie Chronicles

[KathyLauren]

One of the ways I describe myself is, "I can be very spontaneous if you give me time to think about it."

Haha!     Yes, that's me, too. 

I am so enjoying reading this thread this morning.  I am delighted that things are going well for you.

[steph2.0]

It was, however, let's say "interesting" that we were required to show ID to do the paperwork for the piercing... I was then misgendered for the rest of the session...

After adding two more holes in my head, the three of us then went out to an early dinner at Olive Garden, and on to my neighbor's favorite stores where she helped me pick out some new clothes.

I should have related the rest of the story. At Olive Garden we had an awesome waitress who treated us all as a bunch of ladies out to lunch together. At one point she asked us, "Are you all just friends?" My wife and I glanced at each other and said, "Oh, yes." Despite what I considered to be voice fail, I was just another one of the girls, and ended up chatting with the waitress about the food and service. She got a big tip.

So, on balance, it was an extraordinary day.

Steph

[steph2.0]

I am delighted that things are going well for you.

Delighted is an excellent word. Thanks, Kathy.

[steph2.0]

What happened? Did I fly too close to the sun? Everything has been going so well. Today I went shopping sporting my new pierced ears and with my hair loose, androgynous clothes. Bought food to make steak kabobs. Had invited my dear friend and neighbor who had gone clothes shopping with me a few days ago  to dinner at our house. Had sent a Thank You fruit bouquet to my wife at work. Had walked the dog wearing my girl clothes and had stopped to talk with the neighbors with no negative feedback. Enjoyed preparing the meal and cleaning the house en femme this afternoon. Had a good meal and conversation.

Then looked across the table and saw in the reflection from the window... an old man looking back.

Why should this one thing bother me when everything is going so well? Why am I so fragile suddenly that this can take me down? I roughed it through dinner but I could feel myself spiraling. I tried to find a way to fight it, but I can't stop it. Right now I'm free falling and I can't stop crying.

It hurts. What happened?

[Megan.]

I can't tell you why, but have a big hug from me anyway and know you're not alone in this.
Two days ago I looked in the mirror and felt my face was starting to look female,  then yesterday,  that same face looked like a pig in lipstick.
The more mature of us have had these bodies and faces a long time,  and it takes a long time for those mental images we carry in our heads to fade.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Laurie]

Hi Steph(anie)

   Were you reading some of my old posts and mistook one for your own? Yes I too went through this as have many others. I can tell you it is horribly devastating when it happens and it hits you right out of the blue. I posted it about it when it happened to me and took it to my therapist to talk about it. It's a real kick in the privates. But my dear friend it isn't fatal. It's not fun but it will pass. Talk it out, eat some comfort food, or distract yourself with something you love doing. It will go away. Believe me. I've been there done that.
  Okay now that I've solved your problem for you, how about you tell me how to feel better. I want off this roller coaster.

Hugs to ya Steph(anie)

Laurie

[Kendra]

Your eyes fly upside down.  Photons traveling through the lens in a human eye land on the retina as an inverted image.  The brain processes, flips and assembles the world we see as right side up, automatic as breathing.  A diagram of how the retina works will show the image upside down before it hits the cortex. 

Add facial recognition to that mix... even better than Siri.  We recognize human faces before we learn to speak our first phrase.  Those neurons have been assemblin and flippin your face before Facebook existed.  Friends, family and even your wife hadn't been processing your previous gender presentation as many hours as you have seen yourself.

This has happened to me.  It's a cobweb thing, I shake it off and the next morning it's gone. 

[steph2.0]

This has happened to me.  It's a cobweb thing, I shake it off and the next morning it's gone.

Megan, Laurie, Kendra,

Thank you all for writing. It really does help.

I'm not back to 100%, but I'm better this morning. A solid night's sleep helps a lot. Been thinking about it non-stop, trying to analyze it so I can avoid it next time. I think a lot of it was induced by my hairline - what I saw in the window was a balding old man. I know intellectually that it's not that bad, but a few things came together to emphasize it. I'd tried Rachel Christina's trick with the castor oil and coconut oil, so my hair wasn't as full as usual. I'd tied it back to keep it out of my food, and I'd neglected to wear a hat to hide the receding hairline. A lethal combination when seen in a bad reflection. Add to that a lack of sleep (as an old person, a 5pm nap really helps me function the rest of the day), and two small glasses of wine, which are pretty deadly for me, since I'm way out of practice. Finally, I'd had a really warm heart-to-heart talk with my friend the other day, and I guess I was hoping to replicate that closeness again, but the conversation, while nice, was pretty mundane.

"And the walls came down, all the way to Hell."*

But I think I'll be ok now.

Laurie, the only thing I can suggest is to find some way to get a full night's sleep. Deprivation can do terrible things to your head. 3 1/2 hours at a time doesn't give your brain time to sort out and fix things for you. I'm glad you're finally able to see the psychiatrist.

I think about you all the time. Who knows where I'd be now if you hadn't been so kind when I first came here. You're among the few people I count as truly helping to change my life.

Steph

*Holy Schmoly, I just read the lyrics of The Traveling Wilbury's "Tweeter and the Monkey Man." I hadn't realized that Tweeter was a transwoman.

[steph2.0]

Your eyes fly upside down.  Photons traveling through the lens in a human eye land on the retina as an inverted image.  The brain processes, flips and assembles the world we see as right side up, automatic as breathing.  A diagram of how the retina works will show the image upside down before it hits the cortex.

I read about a study long ago related to this. A bunch of college students were recruited to wear glasses that flipped what they were seeing "upside-down." After a couple of days of disorientation, the brain adapted, and they were back to normal functioning - until they took them back off. Another few days of readapting and everything was back to normal. Amazing thing, the brain.

Steph

[Kendra]

Instant Australia, without jet lag!

[steph2.0]

Instant Australia, without jet lag!

And without all the blood running to your head. Don't know how Elizabeth does it.

[Laurie]

Laurie, the only thing I can suggest is to find some way to get a full night's sleep. Deprivation can do terrible things to your head. 3 1/2 hours at a time doesn't give your brain time to sort out and fix things for you. I'm glad you're finally able to see the psychiatrist.

I think about you all the time. Who knows where I'd be now if you hadn't been so kind when I first came here. You're among the few people I count as truly helping to change my life.

Steph

Thanks Steph(anie) it is nice of you to say that.  I am glad the difficulty is fading and it will pass. You'll be back to your jovial self soon.

   My sleep is what it is. I went to bed and fell asleep shortly after 1 am last night. I had intentions of sleeping until 6 or 7 if I could. My body had other plans and before 4 am I awoke and that was all she wrote gave up and was up making coffee by 5. I had been awake since almost 8am the morning before. When I start nodding off I sleep, 2 -4 hours later I'm up. Perhaps  they will address that problem too on Tuesday. It is what it is. I have issues body and soul. What can I say?

Hugs,
   Laurie

[SadieBlake]

Steph, I saw this around 3 am and didn't have the cycles to spare for a response then.

Not all of the days are easy. On average I'm so much better now than I was before surgery, let alone before HRT.

I'm taking a different tack as I think you know, keeping my beard and not hiding my baldness. Ultimately I like my bearded face better and I for damn sure know at this time I can't face shaving daily or the time that goes into makeup for cover.

The last couple of days I've had a bit more self consciousness about how I'm therefore gendered, which is generally as male among strangers. My generally bright side is that the people I interact with most are all very good about name and gender and I'm in an environment where people are amazingly genuine in their response to my identity and non passing presentation.

But it makes for some cognitive dissonance. When I'm feeling more pressure from being misgendered then I'm less happy with my appearance, more likely to avoid looking in the mirror etc.

Maybe it's something in the air, last couple of days have been hard for me also

[steph2.0]

I'm taking a different tack as I think you know, keeping my beard and not hiding my baldness. Ultimately I like my bearded face better and I for damn sure know at this time I can't face shaving daily or the time that goes into makeup for cover.

Hi Sadie,

Thank you for taking the time to write. As you've probably seen by now, the blues were transient, and I'm feeling better today.

Your approach is certainly as valid as mine. I don't think I've got the strength to deal with the cognitive dissonance you talk about, though. I'm going to brave the pain of getting the beard removed, and, if the finasteride and minoxidil don't do the job on the head, look into grafts. I guess it's a trade off of short term intense pain vs. long term low-level annoyance.

I hope that whatever we're breathing clears out and you get to feeling better, too.

Steph

[SadieBlake]

Steph, I'm sure I will, yes there was never any question about valid, we all make the choices we do I find it really positive that we can keep in mind that we can all make different & personally valid choices, there really is no one tight way to transition.

I'm also glad you reminded me in an earlier post about minoxidil, I hadn't considered that and it occurred to me that the need to take it forever to maintain growth may not actually be a requirement for women without testosterone so I'll be talking to my doc about it when I can afford to buy the stuff.

Hugs, glad you're feeling better, I have time to get romantic with my GF Sunday -- she's been either under the weather or away for the last couple weekends --  we're also going to NYC next weekend, again a romantic time actually out of town will be nice. Being sexually embodied as a lesbian, that's usually the best way to raise my spirits :-)I've also got some commissioned work to do tomorrow, stuff I will be paid for, that's always nice too.

[steph2.0]

I'm also glad you reminded me in an earlier post about minoxidil, I hadn't considered that and it occurred to me that the need to take it forever to maintain growth may not actually be a requirement for women without testosterone so I'll be talking to my doc about it when I can afford to buy the stuff.

I didn't realize you wouldn't have to use it forever once the T is out of the system. That's hopeful. Right now I'm just using generic topical Rogaine from Wally World, plus finasteride, and I am seeing some regrowth, especially on the crown which is what the minoxidil works on.

Hugs, glad you're feeling better, I have time to get romantic with my GF Sunday -- she's been either under the weather or away for the last couple weekends --  we're also going to NYC next weekend, again a romantic time actually out of town will be nice. Being sexually embodied as a lesbian, that's usually the best way to raise my spirits :-)I've also got some commissioned work to do tomorrow, stuff I will be paid for, that's always nice too.

Congratulations, both are good things!

Steph

[The Flying Lemur]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, Steph.  Dysphoria is a cruel thing and it can really suck the joy out of life.  I'm also glad to hear that you're forging ahead with your transition.  It helps to have stuff to look forward to.  You seem like a really bright, vital, and resilient person.  Keep on keeping on, sister!

[steph2.0]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, Steph.  Dysphoria is a cruel thing and it can really suck the joy out of life.  I'm also glad to hear that you're forging ahead with your transition.  It helps to have stuff to look forward to.  You seem like a really bright, vital, and resilient person.  Keep on keeping on, sister!

Aw, thanks Ben. My mind seems so much clearer since I started HRT. I've always felt that creative and sensitive kernel was there inside, but I wouldn't let it out much. Now I can just let it flow, and it feels sooo good.

My latest meltdown came out of nowhere after weeks of unbridled joy. Thankfully it didn't last long, and the happiness has resurfaced.

I dug through my "attic" yesterday trying to track down address information for all the places I've lived (forever!) so I can start the name change process tomorrow, and ended up shedding some tears as I ran across pictures and other mementos of things I'd accomplished in my previous incarnation. I got lost in wondering about what might have been if I'd let myself be complete long ago.

But, as Kendra has noted, that's all hormones under the bridge. Time to move forward, and the future is bright.

Note that I try really hard not to refer to myself in the third person when writing about my previous and future existence. "He" and "she" are all the same person: "me." Referring to myself back then as a different person seems disrespectful, and denies myself whatever pride I can draw from what I did then. And I have done a few cool things. I'm thinking about starting a thread about that.

Oh, and as for thinking clearly, I realized afterward that you already knew the date that I came out on FB, when I posted about it on your introductory thread. My excuse is that I'm juggling a lot of balls (stay focused now) trying to keep Susan's, two FB accounts, and direct email blasts to my friends all up to date. It's hard to remember who knows what...

And congratulations again on moving forward yourself!

Steph

[steph2.0]

When last we saw our heroine, she was recovering from a mini-meltdown. We now rejoin her as she reports on how well things are going again...

Hi everyone! [Hi Steph!] As our announcer said, things are going great.

On October 25th I attended a clinic hosted by a legal aid association specifically for transgender name and gender marker changes. After a Powerpoint presentation, we were assigned a legal assistant to fill out the paperwork. I let her fill it all in, since her handwriting was legible (and mine isn't). I got to watch her put my new name on that line. It didn't hit me until later, but suddenly everything was becoming gloriously real. The next day I filed the paperwork with the court. I'm on my way...

I came up with a fun Halloween costume, a female airline pilot carrying a white cane with a red tip. See here for the pictures and my passenger announcement:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229004.msg2042368.html#msg2042368

I'm president of our local flying club, and we host a fly-in breakfast every year on Halloween weekend. This is the first time I wore any kind of costume for it, and it was a hit. The only part that was different from the uniform I'd worn for the previous parties was I wore pants instead of a skirt. I was flying that day, and it's not a good idea to fly a plane that has a stick wearing a skirt. And yes, I know all the jokes about flying with a stick...

The part that put me over the moon was when an old friend that I hadn't seen in a while flew in. He thought the costume was cool, then leaned over (he's tall and I'm not) and said quietly, "Y'know, with the earrings and your hair out like that, you look a lot like a woman pilot." I thought my face was gonna split, I was smiling so wide. I nodded, and he said, "Oh, is that what you were going for?" I took him to a quiet corner and told him what was going on. He was happy that I was happy! I ended up telling five more people who I hadn't seen for a while, and they were all cool.

I've been going out wearing my girl clothes more often lately, though not pushing it too hard. It's been more androgynous, but it was kind of a test to see how I'd be gendered, and how far I had to go to be seen as female. Earlier this week I went to Wally World, and as I went through the self-checkout, the lady who watches over the area came over and starting chatting and helping me bag things, and just being really sociable. I've been through there and seen her lots of times before, and while we've occasionally said hi, there was never any kind of friendly interaction before. I don't know what it all means, but it was nice. The flip side is when I then went to the auto parts store, I was called sir the whole time. Meh...

But this morning I recovered completely. I've mentioned this before, but we live in a very close neighborhood, almost like an extended family. I wrote earlier how I was terrified of losing that close feeling, and how it worked out great in the end. This morning we texted everyone and arranged to go to breakfast together. This time I still didn't use any makeup, but pushed the clothes just a little bit further and had my hair pulled loosely through the loop in my baseball cap... and was gendered correctly all morning by the waiter! My neighbor and I smiled at each other, "Well, there ya go!"

So I'm going to count all those experiences as being gendered correctly three times recently, without a whole lot of effort. With starting the name change, more shopping trips while dressed, more friends supporting me, and another visit to my therapist where I spent most of the time making her smile with all my good news, I'm flying pretty high right now.

I'm getting work done around here and in the shop today wearing my girl working clothes, and wondering if I've already started RLE? Just women's jeans, a v-neck 3/4 sleeve t-shirt in a coral color, and matching canvas shoes. (I just realized it's pretty much what I was wearing in my current avatar pic.) Other than the colors, working clothes aren't really all that different from what I used to wear. I thought starting RLE would be like clicking a switch, where I pick a date and from then on I'm Steph only. But it seems like it might end up being a fade-out/fade-in kind of thing...

In any case, I'm really comfortable and contented today...

Steph

[Laurie]

Hi Steph(anie)

  I liked reading about all of your adventures and seeing the positive effect they are having on you. That feeling of all being right with the world is a wonderful one to have. I had the same upon my return from my trip. Would that it could have lasted.
  In regards to full time, sometimes it isn't a turn of the switch or a conscious decision. Sometimes it is a realization as mine turned out to be. I realized I had been full time  and could find no reason not to continue. I had to look back to the last time I wore my male clothes an now count my start from there. True to myself it was completely unplanned.
  I am happy for you that you are able to move forward to becoming Stephanie legally.

Laurie