The Stephanie Chronicles

[Jayne01]

As for the hobby: go get your biennial and get back in the air, girl! (I assume they require that in Australia.) You know you want it! Come on, everybody's doing it...

Steph

Yes we do have biennials here. My medical is also long overdue. There will be some initial extra expenses with some lessons so I can catch up and become proficient again. It has been well over 10 years since I've been at the controls. So unfortunately the hobby will have to remain on pause for a little while longer until I get myself healed some more. But fear not, it is back in my sights and I will be back in the air as soon as I can. In the meantime I will continue to read your tales with much interest and maybe a hint of envy.

Jayne

[SadieBlake]

Steph I'm so sorry for your experience with friends/acquaintances. My friends are really good with both name and gender and I'm lucky to be working in a large research university where people are both clueful and friendly. The person with the worst deadnaming is unfortunately my GF and she works hard at it when she can. I would recommend against the name/gender cards. I prefer to simply give a gentle reminder, usually then and there, sometimes later but I find these things are better face to face.

Unfortunately I shared a lot of your growing up experiences. Sitting alone in the woods, yep btdt. Of course it had to do with being trans. Our brains were shaped in utero and we were who we are then.

Unfortunately I had done have a very long conversation, cut into 2 different days with my daughter who'd been one of the most supportive people in my life -- asked simple direct questions and expressed her fears and concerns in I statements. Well, it turns out that me wearing a dress was triggering for her and we had to have bridge a lot if old and new baggage.

And unfortunately, every new set of people we present ourselves to en femme is going to be a new experience. I find once I'd done it enough times it got better. I don't think you're overreacting, you feel what you feel and on the other hand only you can temper your response to stress situations. My only bit of advice is don't let those times take you into your past. You're not that little kid in school anymore. I've had to put in untold hours of therapy and practice healing myself from that past and realizing that it never goes away and yet I can learn not to give it power in my present.

You're aiming for the harder path in the short run, that of passing. The way things look, I'll be spending the rest of my life being taken as male by most people. When I can afford minoxidil, I'll see if I can work on the baldness. Who knows, if that works, maybe I'll address the face, meantime it's all tbd.

Hugs,

S

[steph2.0]

My only bit of advice is don't let those times take you into your past. You're not that little kid in school anymore. I've had to put in untold hours of therapy and practice healing myself from that past and realizing that it never goes away and yet I can learn not to give it power in my present.

Thanks for the feedback Sadie. I was carrying a lot of resentment for over forty years for the way I was treated back then, and I found that the newfound clarity that came with HRT allowed me to think through those times and finally come to a resolution, which included forgiving those who hurt me way back then. I have enough baggage to deal with without carrying all that dead weight, too. I definitely feel lighter without it.

You're aiming for the harder path in the short run, that of passing. The way things look, I'll be spending the rest of my life being taken as male by most people. When I can afford minoxidil, I'll see if I can work on the baldness. Who knows, if that works, maybe I'll address the face, meantime it's all tbd.

I know a lot of people say passing shouldn't be the be-all and end-all of transitioning, but for me personally it's a very important aspect. If you read some of my earlier entries, many of them, like my time at Disney, were tests to see how well I was doing in that respect. Without actually collaring people and asking them point-blank who they were seeing, it seemed like I was doing well. I don't know what I'd be doing now if I hadn't passed those tests to my satisfaction. Maybe I could have grown that Rhino Skin that Tom Petty referred to, and pressed on, but I suspect I would be slowing way down in my transition race.

As for the minoxidil, either that or the finasteride, or both, are actually making some significant headway for me. I can no longer feel skin when I touch my crown, just light hair. I would definitely give it a try. For reference, I've been using OTC topical minoxidil since the end of February, and finasteride since the middle of September.

I hope things work out well between you and your daughter.

Steph

[steph2.0]

Just got the results of my last blood tests. E was at 58 pg/mL three months ago before the dosages were increased, and they're at 116 now. What should I be looking for? I tried looking them up, but of course they vary throughout the cycle, and I'm not sure what the doctor is trying to match.

Steph

[Megan.]

The Royal College of Phychiatrists good practice for GD treatment guide states E should be in the range:

"300–400 pmol/l or  80–140 pg/ ml"

20 hours should be left between last dose and sample being taken. X

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[steph2.0]

The Royal College of Phychiatrists good practice for GD treatment guide states E should be in the range:

"300–400 pmol/l or  80–140 pg/ ml"

20 hours should be left between last dose and sample being taken.

Thanks, Megan. At 116 it looks like I'm not doing too badly, but I'll see if he's willing to give it one more bump. Interesting that that they gave me no direction to be off the oral estradiol for any time. I think it had been about 8 hours since my last dose.

Steph

[Laurie]

  I think the major problems we face is doctors haven't been giving us any guidance of when our last dose should be before  levels are checked. I know my doctor has never given me any such directions.

[steph2.0]

It's possible that this more properly belongs over on the religion forum, but as it directly impacts my transition, I'm going to post it here. It's not my goal to debate religion, just relate how someone who thought he was doing a good deed ruined my day.

Today I had to endure an hour of one of my friends, who I'll call Jay, attempting to convert me from my atheism to his Pentecostalism. I made the mistake of telling him my views back when I came out to him and he wanted to take me to his faith healers to fix my depression. I had to tell him that since I'd started transitioning the depression was gone and there was nothing to fix. Unfortunately as I was explaining things I told him I considered myself to be a secular humanist and atheist.

So today he did his best to convert me. Pretty traumatic, especially when he told me that all my friends were Christians and would withdraw from me as a non-believer. After going through the fear of losing everyone because of my trans condition, and weathering it ok, I didn't need to hear that, especially after the last two hard days I'd had. In tears I called another friend of mine, Tee, who is also religious, and he got really angry that the other guy would tell me such things. He assured me that wasn't true, but I've got to say, it just drove the wedge deeper between me and religion.

I told him that I respected his sincerely held beliefs as his own, but asked him to respect mine as well, which are just as sincere. No amount of logic or humanity can move people like that. Though we parted on reasonably good terms, with him telling me that he loved me and would pray for me, I'll be extremely wary of him from now on.

He's new to all this, and is living in an echo chamber which is little different from a cult. Tee, who, though religious, is deeply thoughtful and respectful, dislikes that kind of religion as much as I now do. Tee calls the other guy a "baby Christian" and says those types are overzealous and do more damage than they fix. That was certainly the case here. After recovering from my weekend blues I was thrown back into them again, albeit just for a couple hours. After talking with Tee I managed to get stabilized again, and now I'm just angry.

I'm too nice for my own good. I should have thrown him off my property.

Sorry to vent...

Steph

[steph2.0]

  I think the major problems we face is doctors haven't been giving us any guidance of when our last dose should be before  levels are checked. I know my doctor has never given me any such directions.

i didn't even realize it mattered until I saw Megan's post. Maybe it doesn't? I'll try to remember to ask my endo when I see him next week.

[Laurie]

Steph(anie)

  I am sorry you had to endure this person.

  All I can safely say about people that practice religion such as he does, is that I can't say anything here about people that practice religion such as he does.

[steph2.0]

Steph(anie)

  I am sorry you had to endure this person.

  All I can safely say about people that practice religion such as he does, is that I can't say anything here about people that practice religion such as he does.

A good safe position, and message received and understood!

[Megan.]

Steph,  sorry to hear about your experience with your friend,  but glad Tee gave you a better message.
On the issue of having a break between dose and bloods,  the half-life of oral E is around 14-16 hours, hence the guidance. No person I know has ever been given this guidance either,  very frustrating,  but I'll be educating my GP when i next see them. [emoji5]

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[SadieBlake]

I know a lot of people say passing shouldn't be the be-all and end-all of transitioning

I never say "should", especially about transitioning and sexuality. I'd give my eye teeth to pass, it's just not in the cards right now.

My estradiol level runs 210-260 pg/ml. My endocrinologist is happy with those numbers which are easy to hit as I take it IM. I usually make sure to get tested on day 3 of my weekly injection cycle, though my most recent test was on day 6 and I was still at 180.

As for your interlocutor, I wouldn't have been as polite. There is such a thing as being too kind and making out that you'll lose friends over not conforming to religious norms is just plain nasty.

[Jayne01]

Steph, I am sorry this person ruined your day with his disrespect of your beliefs. As far as I can tell, there is nothing that needs fixing. You are a wonderful, caring human being trying to live your life to the fullest after living all your life with a very stress inducing medical condition. You should be celebrated for the person you are, not "cured". And any friends that would distance themselves simply because you happen to be trans probably aren't the kind of friends you want anyway.

I'm glad Tee was able to help comfort you.

Try not to waste too much energy being angry, you are too nice and Jay isn't worth getting yourself upset. He is too deeply into his religion to see outside of his little bubble.

Also, you don't need to apologise for venting. If you can't vent here, where can you vent? Vent all you need to.

Jayne

[KathyLauren]

Steph, I am sorry to had to listen to that stuff.  About all you can do with lost souls like that guy is to stay away from them and vent your frustrations somewhere safe.  Never apologize for venting here!  We all need to do it from time to time.

[steph2.0]

I've had the night to reflect, and I've come to realize that something Tee told me may be very true. He said if Jay attempted to distance himself and others from me because of my (non)religious beliefs, he would be surprised to find himself as the one alone.

Jayne, as far as I can tell, this has very little to do with my transition. It's all about my atheism. The only connection is I mentioned being atheist when I came out to him.

He is, however, hard core old school. Though he says he supports me, he thinks trans jokes are hilarious. He was a pilot for a large airline, and he likes to tell me about another pilot who transitioned on the job (I think she might actually be Jessica Taylor), while continually misgendering her. At one point while he was talking about "him" I stopped him and asked, "Wait, this person transitioned from male to female, right?" When he said yeah, I said "OK, so it's "she" now, right?" He agreed, no embarrassment, used "she" a few times, then was right back to "he." He can't remember, but he's told me the story twice now about how she had to use her male voice to be heard above the ramp noise when talking to the ground crew. He thinks that's the most hilarious thing he's ever heard.

I did sit across from him last night at our flying club meeting and everything was friendly. He was chairman of the nominating committee for our biennial election for officers, and led the vote that kept me as president of the chapter. I had actually offered to resign because I worried that having me in the position would damage the club. We are well regarded for the great breakfast fly-ins we host a few times a year, and the last thing I want is for the club to become known as the one run by "that trans freak." I was gratified that everyone, including Jay, insisted that I remain president, and if anyone else didn't like it, they didn't have to come to our fly-ins. I ran unopposed. Of course, some of it has to do with the fact that we're all lazy pilots, and nobody else wants the job. 🤨

Anyway, here's my current dilemma, and would really appreciate everyone's feedback. Jay and his wife are hosting a huge party in December to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. My wife and I, along with all our friends, are invited. I'm trying to decide if I should go. On the one hand, I'm uncomfortable around this guy now, and feel a little hypocritical to go and eat his food. On the other hand, if I don't go, I would be fulfilling his prophecy of being isolated from my friends. I'm leaning toward giving him the mental finger and having fun with my friends. I would have to get my courage topped up, because if I go at all, it will be as Stephanie. What do you think?

Steph

[Megan.]

I'd go and eat him out of house and home (while looking uber glamorous), and have lots of fun doing it... But that's just me [emoji16]

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[steph2.0]

I'd go and eat him out of house and home (while looking uber glamorous), and have lots of fun doing it... But that's just me [emoji16]

I like it! Of course, you've got the advantage of already being uber glamorous (your new avatar pic is awesome!). But I'll do the best I can.

[Jayne01]

He can't remember, but he's told me the story twice now about how she had to use her male voice to be heard above the ramp noise when talking to the ground crew. He thinks that's the most hilarious thing he's ever heard.

What a jerk!

We are well regarded for the great breakfast fly-ins we host a few times a year, and the last thing I want is for the club to become known as the one run by "that trans freak."

I don't want to hear any more of that kind of thinking. Yes, you are trans, but a freak ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! You are the president of the club and host great fly-ins, end of story.

Anyway, here's my current dilemma, and would really appreciate everyone's feedback. Jay and his wife are hosting a huge party in December to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. My wife and I, along with all our friends, are invited. I'm trying to decide if I should go. On the one hand, I'm uncomfortable around this guy now, and feel a little hypocritical to go and eat his food. On the other hand, if I don't go, I would be fulfilling his prophecy of being isolated from my friends. I'm leaning toward giving him the mental finger and having fun with my friends.

I think you should go and have a great time. If for no other reason than to prove to him that you are above judging people based on their religion.

Although you may not be close friends and he can clearly be a real jerk with trans issues, you seem to have a civil relationship with common interests in your flying. So have a good time.

I would have to get my courage topped up, because if I go at all, it will be as Stephanie.

Of course you would go as Stephanie, who else would you go as? Unless it's a costume party and decide to go as Supergirl or one of Santa's elves. [emoji846]

Jayne

[Kendra]

I think you should go, and... with your wife right there, flirt with him.